I do love DH and he’s a good man, but … money

[yellowprimrosepink]

Money is a constant bone of contention in our marriage (and we are married so theoretically share everything but in reality we don’t.)

The background is that we met late (we were both 38 at the time) so I guess had separate lives and finances. I had a fairly good job; nothing to write home about but enough. DH however earns well - around the £95,000 mark. So when we had children, I went part time and then more part time to manage school drop offs and so on and now I’m two days a week, I earn next to nothing. However DH is away, a lot, he’s able to do this because I’m always there. But the comments I get about ‘leaning on him’ and so on are really starting to piss me off.

I know he gets stressed about finances but if it wasn’t for his job I could work and therefore earn more myself. I know that’s not totally fair of me as if it wasn’t for his job I wouldn’t be able to be part time. I just wish he valued what I do.

"in my experience of seeing men who do this, the ones who tease and constantly point out how much money they bring in, or what their partner spends, "

He isn't teasing though. He is being an absolute prick. Are we reading the same posts. He could say, "hey I'm feeling unappreciated about the hours I put in at work Honey" but he isn't. He is just being nasty, even though he knows it hurts her. These are his kids BTW, that sounds like he wanted to have, not pets that she adopted.

I have the big job, DH is sahp. He has never had to ask me for money. Joint account with my salary plus separate accounts if needed. I would hate for him to have to come cap in hand for £60 - I would be debasing him.

I hate to say it, but I think this is worth a try.

I do find it maddening that many men need so much emotional bolstering, while most women in my experience just seem to get on with their responsibilities (and somehow get called the emotional, "dependent" ones) but... I would still give it a go. It might help soften the stage for more meaningful conversations later on.

Many people find it hard to entertain someone else's experience or hear FACTS until they have feel completely and utterly understood and emotionally validated many times over and it sounds like this DH may fall into this camp. And he is not making life easier by not actually articulating his experience for you to hear... Just grumbling and making snide comments. You are generously trying to read between the lines.

OP, I think you sound very reasonable and also willing to look at this situation in a deeper way. If he's lacking the emotional intelligence to join you in that conversation, right now and you do want to stay reasonably happily married, I am afraid you likely have yet more unrecognised, unvalued labour to help him get there. He gets a large payslip in his name for his efforts, you don't. It sucks.

A sad thing is, it sounds like he is likely to keep up his contribution to the family (financial), which allows you to work part time and maintain your contributions to the family, but what could be viewed as a harmonious AND TEMPORARY committed arrangement is being spoiled by his attitude towards it.

Whatever route you go down I would urge you to look after yourself. If you're doing all the emotional labour to try and make while marriage work, I think you need people who can truly listen listen to you. I hope your DH pulls his finger out in that respect as well though. Good luck to you.

Another one who doesn't understand your resistance to a joint account. But if you insist on separate account, ensure that you are paying towards the mortgage. If you did happen to separate, history of mortgage paying can be critical to obtaining a new mortgage or even to private rent. Banks and landlords don't care who paid the childcare when they look at credit history, they care who paid for housing.

In terms of actual advice, start thinking about how it will work when both your DC are in school. I assume that it would work better if you were able to arrive at work early and your DH took responsibility for taking the DC to school every day. So start planning for that. He needs to switch jobs so he is able to do that. He will also need to be responsible for getting the DC ready in the morning and take on a lot more of the household chores. Start having those discussions.

In terms of finances, work out a budget together. As above, make sure you are paying towards housing costs and bills. It is better for your credit history.

Maybe also work out a budget as if you were working more so he can see the difference in childcare costs. If you do this, also do a chore allocation that reflects your increased hours. Maybe he needs to see it in black and white.

How much money does your DH have left at the end of the month to spend on himself, if he’s covering everything financially except £300 in nursery fees? If it’s more than £900 then yes it’s not fair. If it’s the same or less than £900 I understand why he would get annoyed about you dipping into his ‘fun’ money, despite having on the face of it quite a lot of your salary left over each month.

My husband makes 4x what I do as his career has taken off since having children and I only work part time.

We have a joint account that both our wages go into, we take out equal savings and equal "pocket money" into our seperate accounts. This even happened when I was on mat leave and had zero income for the last 3 months. We're a team, never had to ask him for money but we do discuss big purchases out of the joint account before making them eg holidays, renovations, appliances, electronics, etc

Its not his and mine, it's ours, and there is no resentment. We both appreciate each others contributions and sacrifices for the family.

Please don't resist pooling your finances, he needs to snap out of his individualist mindset now he has a family and get on board that you are equal and a team and both contribute what you can and that you have sacrificed your career! The fact you have to pay childcare out of your meager wage to facilitate your part time job is very telling. Its borderline financial abuse OP. Xx

I know I’m generalising but in general the non usual care giver can’t see what needs to be used money wise to run a house/ look after kids etc. They don’t realise that eg school will randomly ask for money or something to be bought or that you need cleaning fluids, washing powder etc etc. I’ve had this conversation with women who have sahp and said eg if they stop off for petrol on the way home from School he might buy them something or that he bought them a new cardigan when out shopping etc etc. They’re like ‘it was an unnecessary expense’.

I honestly think people who are the full time bread earner who aren’t primary caregivers feel a lot more hard done by then they’ll ever let on, they think they’ve been given the raw deal (and I mean possibly they have- if I lose my job I go back to being home with the kids, if dh loses his job we’re homeless- I get that’s a lot of pressure) and that all money should be squirrelled and saved.

The huge problem is him saying you’re leaning on him, that’s full bitterness there and means he doesn’t believe you’re a team (as I think a lot of partners don’t really)

OP, I’m a full-time teacher with 3 very young DC, so completely understand why you don’t want to go full-time. I’d be part time if we could afford it, but my DH doesn’t earn enough.

Can I ask why you don’t want to combine finances? You mentioned that there is secrecy around money that you don’t like. Would combining finances be a way to make it more transparent?

The way we do it is we put all money into one pot, then make a detailed budget every month that we agree to. We get some spending money for ourselves (same amount) and the rest is joint.

When I was on extended maternity leave with DC#3, this stopped any resentment between us, as I didn’t have to ‘ask’ DH for money, and he recognised that no childcare had to be budgeted for which he often praised me for.

I can’t help wonder if the fact that you pay for nursery means that your DH doesn’t ‘feel’ the impact of what paying for childcare would really be like. If this money was coming out of your joint money, he’d be more aware and appreciative of the work you do at home.

Just my two cents. I really hope it gets better for you.

By the way, not sure if you’re at a state or private, but I I took a promotion to HoD at a private school which allowed my 2 oldest DC free tuition. It’s a game changer. No school run, they come up to my classroom at the end of the day while I finish up, they do homework while I have meetings… it’s something to consider for the future when you go back to work more hours.

He doesn't value your contribution to the family, the household or the marriage. If he won't listen and keeps bringing it up I would suggest counselling as what he is saying to you is deeply hurtful and just not compatible with a happy marriage. To add some perspective I also work less hours than my DH to accommodate his job. He constantly tells me what a wonderful mother I am and how much he appreciates what I do. He says this in front of the kids too which I think is important.

I couldn't abide your DH's attitude. It would really knock my confidence and quite honestly I would resent him. If my DH ever made a comment like this to me he would be sleeping in the spare room, making his own meals and washing his own clothes until he apologised.

Oh OP. Forget for a moment that this is about money. It's about power. He has more power than you in this situation and this is how he treats you. How will he treat you, or see you, in another situation where he has more power than you?

I am with you on wanting the time with your daughter and I would not let him take that away from you. I would be going the route you describe of accepting you can't stop his unethical behaviour and minimising its impact on you

But I do think when you get to the other side of that time you will have had to detach to the point that you won't feel the same way about him any more. I think that will happen either way tbh how can you unsee this side of him? But worry about that when it comes and try to enjoy your time with your daughter and just tell yourself his neuroses are not important compared to that.
He should absolutely be sharing the nursery bill. Any chance you could negotiate that, and then the extra money from that would mean you didn't have to ask him for much and could just ignore him on this subject?

I bet you would never treat him like this.

"That is what almost every man and husband wants to hear, and in my experience of seeing men who do this, the ones who tease and constantly point out how much money they bring in, or what their partner spends, do it because they feel like their contribution isn't recognized."

I bloody hope he recognises OP's contribution then, working part-time, looking after kids, picking up the slack for his travel and his terrible communication about it, and how little he seems to see himself as responsible for the home front at all. Sounds to me like he doesn't. Sounds to me like he doesn't recognise she's working hard at all.

Sorry but what do you mean the cost to your mental health? until this I assumed it was just logistics. Is it around this that he means you are leaning on him? because you sort of would be.

It sounds to me that he doesnt value or appreciate your role as the children's main carer at all.
They are so bloody arrogant these men and I think Narcs

I would insist on marriage counselling but honestly if he has this appalling and misogynistic attitude, it is unlikely to change.

My experience ( just FYI)
Earned the same, married and bought a home
First DC I went back PT but on nights ( extra money) all money shared equally.
He did school drop offs and pick ups on my working nights and next morning so I could sleep.
In short we supported each other

Edited
We discuss all big purchases, he rarely spends anything, he loves seeing what I bought though

He sounds very cold and detached from you and your DC

A lot of people, men and women, undervalue and underestimate the effort it takes to cater for a family/clean a house etc and that's before you get into any childcare duties.

With this type of person (the type who only values bread winning and only sees their contribution) I would start to re-frame it for him because what he doesn't care to realise is that everything you're doing would be costing him quite a bit of money if someone else was doing it for him. Over the next few weeks, make a list of all the things you do and tot up how much it would cost him to source that from elsewhere. Live in nanny (because that is what it would definitely require given his work away) £X, food preparation £X (personal chef), Cleaning £X (cleaning service) etc. Bide your time and the next time he mentions it, whip the list out and have a really clean and clear one line statement ready to go about how fed up/angry/dispirited whatever you are with his attitude and you'd prefer you were a team.

The other thing I would do is offer your very sensible plan to up your days at work to three spread over four from January 2028 and put it in writing for him if necessary.

so he doesn't want you to work more

but thinks you lean on him

has he ever thought that he might lean on you?

He prevents(due to his job) you from working more - that's a leaning
He doesn't deal with the childcare - that's a leaning

He seems confused with team work and that each partner has their efforts and part to play and one without the other means the lid falls off

A restaurant has many players bt if the kitchen porter doesn't show up, then the lid falls off as the chef can't plate up meals without clean plates, or continue cooking without clean utensils - each part of the team has a job to play and the chef might earn £60k a year and the kitchen porter only £25k but the chef will not earn a penny without the kitchen porter and the rest of the team

@yellowprimrosepink well you can’t have your cake and eat it. Seems you can’t work full time anyway due to “you” reasons.
i do a “noble” but poorly paid profession and even if I work full time I won’t match my husband’s salary. When the kids were young it was OK as I did the majority of their stuff but now all are older - what’s my contribution now? I think it’s important to bear this in mind when you share the load with your husband.

Havent read the full thread but quite simply.... the income is family income (not his). All income is family income. You do the lions share for the family and household. And you work. He works.... what else does he do for the family? (At work and when travelling he has free time, social time, thinking time. Its a luxury to escape the crazy household for all that.) You cannot be expected to work full time AND do all the running around with the kids AND see to running the house alone. As the kids get older the demands on you will rocket. A good man would recognise YOUR value and what you do. The income is family income....on repeat.

Imagine when you met.... if he had said, right love, so my plan for my future is [insert what you have put in your post] would you have said, great, that sounds ideal, sign me up.

These men dont typically change these views.

I lived with a man like this.

I hope it works out for you.

It sounds like because you were a bit older when you met and started the family, you're both used to leading your own lives and you're not fully used to working as a team. You've said a couple of things like you'd like to be able to live your life while he lives his, not to be leaning on one another and so on.

This might work for you with no children to consider but it's not currently working. You can't be as part time as you are and therefore have the time you want with the children (totally understand it) without his salary. But, he can't DO that job without you being there for the kids. You need each other and you need the teamwork.

DH and I are similar, although the salaries are different and we were younger when we got together so we'd already started the team work. But he knows if I wasn't part time, there'd be much higher costs around DDs childcare and much more stress for everyone. He wouldn't be able to just stop back or to take calls outs, last minute overtime (things that both bring in more money and are great for his career) if I wasn't around for DD as much as I am.

My job pays well and is flexible but I couldn't do it as well as I do AND be there for DD if I was stressing about paying the mortgage on top of everything else.

The key is communicating properly. So you're both aware of what each other is doing, what they need and crucially, anything that's stressing them and how to help with that.

You say your DH doesn’t want you to work more, perhaps in a less heated discussion you should ask what he does want exactly. It sounds like whatever you do, he’s going to take his frustrations at life out on you, so not necessarily something you can fix by making practical changes, it’s only something that can change with how you relate to each other.

You may not want to share finances but then I think some of this stuff is inevitable if you don’t. You’re also not really financially independent anyway if you have to ask him for money. You’ll see how people share and then have equal his/her money and it sounds like your situation is not working because you’re being left short. You need to look at how this is being divided up as his perception that he is paying for all bills isn’t right if you’re covering childcare and other things for kids and the house. I bet he is conveniently not counting this.

Just to say I have little sympathy with your husband, he really is only able to do what he does because of what YOU do and I doubt he has any wish to change his job and his trips here there and everywhere that absent him from his responsibilities at home. I think he needs to be reminded of this but if he can’t take it on board there’s not much you can do to improve the situation except muddle through.

This thread time and time again. I can't believe some men can't compute the financial and emotional benefit of their partners being off with their children. Leaning on him is a disgusting thing to say+

He is able to maintain his career, salary and lifestyle WHILE having children bu your career sacrifice. First of all, being a sahm isn't easy, I'm currently one til my son is 3 and work was easier! So all the mental, emotional burdens aside from being iff work with kiddos, financially you're saving a bundle.

Saving on childcare is huge, and he should be appreciating your contribution to the home and lifestyle, wellbeing of your children as priceless, let alone financial savings of childcare.

Furious on your behalf, what a selfish price.

Go away for a week and tell him he's to sort everything for the children while your away and then lets hope he see's your point loud and clear xx

This is madness! The responses you're getting here are a bit ridiculous. As if EVERY woman isn't made more reliant on a partner/ the state financially after having a baby. For whatever period of time. Sorry OP - must be something in the water!

I have kids aged 5 and 3 and I'm the same, although I'm not working at all. I'm ENTIRELY 'reliant' on my husband (the horror). Yes obviously I know it's not ideal and yes, OBVIOUSLY having my 'own' money is much better. But as you said, OP, any income will be cancelled out by childcare costs.

The difference here, is that we discuss budgets together and if I need more money, he transfers it. Which feels odd, but we are where we are. No snappy comments. And if there were, I'd consider invoicing him for the past 5 years if childcare costs!

I'm also a teacher, OP, and I do think it's a very specific job. I used to be in work at 6.15 and then work most evenings pre-kids till LATE (school dependent, of course), I have no idea how people manage that full time AND young kids. Sure, people do. Not even mentioning the emotional toil! But as you said, I think I'd then be terrible at all my 'roles'!

You asked for advice, I think the only way here is to say very strongly how it makes you feel, and unless he's willing to drop some days to allow you to work, he's going to have to pipe the hell down! Can you sit down over a cuppa or something one night? Try to take the pressure off?

That’s where you went wrong OP. You took a hit on your salary when you had children and were unable to keep working full time and he basically carried on as normal with separate finances.

When the same thing was going to happen in my relationship I sat down with my partner and had the conversation early doors. I knew we weren’t going to have a joint account as his ex had stiffed him in that regard, but equally was realistic to know that when I was out and about with baby I couldn’t be only using my money if no more was coming in. It was a pragmatic conversation and he admitted he hadn’t thought about it at all.

Reminds me of the clip where DP comes home to an unholy mess of a house, kids running amok, every surface and the floor covered with crap, and says to the SAHM in shock, "What the hell happened here???" And she replies. "You know you said you didn't know what on earth I did all day long? Well today I didn't do it."

Confusing thread. Im still not sure what you want. I think people are advising you to go back to work because your op was all.about money.

He doesn't want you to earn more.
He does wants you to spend less.
You dont want to go to work more (yet).
You want him to be kinder but still keep money separate.

What would a perfect world look like to each of you? Maybe sit down and answer that question for each other.

His comments to you about leaning on him are disgusting. As he's free to develop a well paid job/pension and travel with no notice. You sound like a poorly paid nanny.

I think the issue is more complex than money.

Looking in on the situation i would guess the husband is overwhelmed with his job and probably not enjoying it anymore. He sees the OP as not contributing as he isn’t really invested in the family life as he isn’t getting to be a part of it He sees it as a separate entity and it’s leeching his money away which he feels resentful about.

The OP is resistant to having a proper conversation about it as she knows the reality is that if that can of worms is opened a load of truth might pour out which will disrupt the current status quo.

i think a conversation absolutely HAS to be had. Babysitter arranged and meal out somewhere quiet where you can both talk. My opening line would be it’s obvious he is not happy, it’s reflected in the snipey comments that come your way and you’re concerned it’s eroding your relationship. Try and talk about his workload and what could happen going forward. Does he need to reduce hours and you pick hours up and a balance be found in childcare? Does he need to know that you carry on as you are for the next X amount if time and then when the children are born at school you intend to find more hours and contribute more financially. Does he need to rethink his work and maybe look for a different job with less travelling?

if you can both start telling the truth the resentment will fade and you can both get on with moving forward productively again.