It can really help to view running a family household like running a business.
There are numerous tasks to be done, and timelines to meet, for the efficient and stress-free running of the household, and to ensure children get as much time with both parents as possible.
We model norms to our children. If they see the mother doing the bulk of this work, boys will assume that’s what women do (and are less likely to be a supportive partner to a woman) and girls will assume this also (and risk being voluntarily saddled with most of the work when a mother).
When people choose to have children, they must assume they’ll be responsible for 50% of the childcare, on the regular, as a starting point. Of course, this can be negotiated either way, as the couple work as a team to cover this, or arrange unpaid or paid help from elsewhere. But this should be the starting point. Same with household chores. And it must be negotiated. Not assumed. Mothers are not unpaid servants.
It’s v difficult to work away regularly and erratically if you have children. That eats into your 50% and also means either the other parent has to be v flexible (difficult if they work) or the unpaid/paid help with childcare has to be v flexible (also difficult).
So, as a starting point, your DH should strongly consider if the working patterns of his job are conducive to his parenting responsibilities (at least for the next decade or so when kids can’t be left at home alone - not forever). So far, they have been, as you’ve been extremely accommodating as the other parent. You may have been happy with this when your children are pre-school. But, long-term it’s affecting your earnings, pension, career (which gives you a purpose and sense of self outside the family) and financial independence. That’s a huge compromise to accommodate your DH in not meeting his parental responsibilities.
Even if your relationship were to stay solid and he recompensed you for lost income and financial security (pension, savings), you never know what life throws at you. If (heaven forbid) he died young or became too disabled or sick to work, you’d have a lot of sudden financial insecurity in addition to adjusting to a big life shock, unless this was well-covered by life insurance.
As for how you handle money while he’s the higher earner? How much is childcare (e.g. good childminder/nanny) in your area per hour? Add up all the childcare hours (i.e. when you’re responsible for at least one child, including overnight). Divide by the two of you. If DH does less than 50%, he has to pay you the going rate for the cover you provide for his share. Same with household chores. Work out how many hours per week/month, including cleaning, laundry, cooking, life admin etc. If he does less than his 50%, he pays you the going rate for the rest or pays for paid help.
You then pay equally towards the bills. If you already do your 50% of childcare, he pays any additional childcare costs, e.g, afterschool clubs. If your total pay from your job and your partner doesn’t result in enough money to cover your share, you have to increase your earnings, by working more hours. If you’re still doing your 50% of the childcare, he either has to flex to cover more of his 50% to allow you to work more or organise and pay for his share of the childcare you can no longer cover. But that’s his responsibility.
Viewing it as a business arrangement, to be negotiated, can really get people out of the mindset of assuming looking after kids, including overnight, is having a relaxing time at home. It’s not. It’s hard work. That’s why childcare professionals get paid for it. Same with household chores. Cleaners and administrators are paid. If someone doesn’t want to do their share of these things themselves, they must be prepared to pay someone else to do it, whether a partner or professional.
Too many couples assume that if the mother is in paid work, she should pay for childcare. If a relationship and society is to be equitable, and we’re to close the gender pay gap, this is wrong. She should only pay to cover her 50%.