I do love DH and he’s a good man, but … money

[yellowprimrosepink]

Money is a constant bone of contention in our marriage (and we are married so theoretically share everything but in reality we don’t.)

The background is that we met late (we were both 38 at the time) so I guess had separate lives and finances. I had a fairly good job; nothing to write home about but enough. DH however earns well - around the £95,000 mark. So when we had children, I went part time and then more part time to manage school drop offs and so on and now I’m two days a week, I earn next to nothing. However DH is away, a lot, he’s able to do this because I’m always there. But the comments I get about ‘leaning on him’ and so on are really starting to piss me off.

I know he gets stressed about finances but if it wasn’t for his job I could work and therefore earn more myself. I know that’s not totally fair of me as if it wasn’t for his job I wouldn’t be able to be part time. I just wish he valued what I do.

You both are tired and in the trenches of small children.

Start to compliment and thank each other more.
You thanking him will encourage that.

Consider retraining or upgrading your qualification so to be always as flexible and well paid as you can be.

Why do you need to go to soft play and out on the weekend when you don't want to?
Try to simplify life.
For example, your small one could always be late for nursery to save you the back and forth driving time. Your school aged children could enroll in your school.
You could buy all clothes second hand.
If you have a spare bedroom, can Grandpa/Aunt etc. come to stay for two weeks per year just to change things up and give you some flex time and company?
Could you look after another child one day per week during term time? Pick up the child when you drop off son to school.
Could you share a nanny one day per week with a friend - in your home, then the next week, in hers?

Do make a list of all you do and realistically try to simplify, cut costs and spend time doing more of what makes you feel positive.

Participating in married life while insisting you're financially independent is a recipe for resentment, as you're finding out. You are earning his salary too - he couldn't do it without you - and you should have equal access to it without having to ask or endure any sniping.

You said you pay for the childcare. He should be paying half of that, out of his earnings. They are his kids too. Also, whatever you are paying back to your employer for their overpayment of your maternity pay, half of that should also come from your husband's account. When you were on maternity leave, you were looking after his kids. Again, he should pay half.

My husband was a pilot.
He began hiding money from me the moment we said “I do.”
He left home for work at the beginning of year 3 for a job in another state. And absolutely insisted that I not work, because that made him look weak - or some other hogwash. So I did as he asked. I thought it was being a dutiful wife. I WAS being a dutiful, good wife. I loved my husband and did what he asked.
The house and accompanying property was a big job - something always needed my attention.

What stupid me never counted on or thought or suspected was that my husband began an affair with a stewardess almost immediately upon his arrival at his new post.
So while I was keeping the home fires burning, he was starting new fires.
And that new fire cost me $85,000 in 1993 money. Thats $179,000 in today’s money.
It’s all fun and games until your vindictive husband decides to keep you in court over a divorce HE wanted.
I found out the other day that he died several years ago.
He was miserly, and all I can say is you can’t take it with you.
You cannot take anything with you. Not money, not cars, not houses, not diamonds, not furs, not shoes or handbags or golf clubs.
When you die, you go alone.
Rest in peace you son of a bitch.

My dh worked abroad a lot from Monday tp Friday while the dcs were little. We had 3 under 3 - 4 kids now.

I worked part time as a teacher because it fitted in. DH has always had the better paying job and I've kind of gone along.

Now that I've passed 60 I don't feel youngest dc values me as a bright woman. I have more/better qualifications than dh but as I've always worked i public sector he's earned far more. I've given up a career I might have loved for a meh job and dh gets the glamour of working internationally.

Not currently working so relying on dh for money. Bloody hate it. Been married for nearly 38 years. Never changed my name and never had a joint account.

I used to have a marriage a bit like this. I carried the mental load of running the house and looking after the children, and my job was a bit 'easier' (was it??! I'm a full time teacher!) and less well paid, plus holidays off with the kids. His end of the deal was to earn lots of money and look after the finances. Well, 1) he turned out to be an arsehole scumbag who had an affair, feathered his nest, and left me up shit creek with no paddle. And 2) (this is the important bit) now I look after my own finances, I can categorically tell you it's not that hard. Utterly insignificant when compared to the wifework I was doing. Comparing insurers, booking MOTs, paying the utilities, keeping an eye on pensions, big fucking whoop. Piece of piss.

Your husband is hopefully just a selfish arsehole, not a duplicitous, adulterous one as mine was. But please don't give him too many brownie points for doing what he's doing. Your end of the bargain is much harder. And if he were to ever leave you, he'd be fine with his massive salary, and you'd be fine in the end too, but you'd regret supporting his career at the expense of your own all those years.

I mean, you could talk to him, and he could 'understand' your point of view but he's already told you how he really feels.

I'd HATE to live like you are. The amount of women who accept fuck all support - financially and with raising children - in return for being a sahm is sad.

Fact is, his job is not compatible with family life. In your shoes I'd be asking him to get a local job and I'd be increasing my income stat. You may not want to work more, but that's life. It's doable.

It does annoy me that some posters go on about men being the providers and women traditionally not working. Working class women have always worked. It is only since the end of the Second World War that women seem to think they don’t need to work. I am old Both my grandmothers worked. One ran a hospital laundry and the other was a hairdresser. One had six kids the other had four. My granny who was a hairdresser took the kids with her to work until they started school. The government is concerned by the growing number of older women who are not economically active. They expect to be financially provided for.
I am aware that the OP intends to return to work once her children are at school. However, lots of women don’t go back to work, In an ideal world men and women would contribute equally in terms of childcare and financial provision.
There are current threads on here where wives who don’t work complain about husbands working from home and getting under their feet. My MIL, who never worked, complained lots when my FIL retired at 70. She didn’t want him round the house.
I always worked and my husband pulled his weight with childcare and housework. We have always had a cleaner. I am retired now ( in my 70s) and I do lots of grandchild care but I also still do a bit of paid work. I feel proud that someone is prepared to pay me for my time. I’m a teacher too. I tutor in the evenings and Saturday mornings. I hate not financially contributing to the home. It makes me feel like a grown up. I don’t like spending other people’s money.
the danger of being a SAHM is getting into the habit of not working. Obviously, there will be times when parents need to work flexibly round childcare. There needs to be a culture of both men and women pulling their weight at home and helping financially to put a roof over their family. It still feels one sided. Men won’t become better fathers and home makers if women want to be the ones pottering around the house.

My advice to you as someone who is 15 years further down the road from where you are currently is to nip this in the bud now. Calmly tell him you want to make a time to discuss finances and tell him you are not happy about the comments and they need to stop, or he needs to step up and do exactly half of everything at home so you can work full-time. His choice. Make a list of everything that needs managing at home.

After having kids I worked very part time, then was a SAHM. He was completely in agreement about this. He had the freedom to go out for after work drinks whenever, often came home on a Friday and said I might have to go to Singapore on Monday. I made the mistake of letting him control all our finances. I covered all child sickness, school holidays, drop offs, pick ups, medical appointments for two children with SEN, speech therapy, psychologist, podiatrist, all housework, all relationships with family, neighbours, school community, car servicing, parent teacher interviews, tradesmen, homework, basketball, swimming, gymnastics, music lessons. He treated me with less and less respect. Eventually I went back to work and have attempted to get him to start doing his half at home. He feels hard done by and has now rewritten history that he 'allowed' me to be at home and that I didn't facilitate his career. He thinks it is logical that the majority of our savings are in his name because he earnt the money.

It's a slippery slope OP, get off it now.

It’s like this because men are adept at extracting from women while making them feel like they’re dependent on them as providers to allow them to continue to extract. It’s patriarchy.

As an aside, I’ve worked with a couple of men who took EVERY opportunity to be travelling to other locations where there was absolutely no need for them to do so. They just wanted the time away from the home where the real work was happening.

OP says in first post she loves her DH and he's a good man. Second reply is suggesting to leave him. Gotta love mumsnet. 🤣

It may get better and maybe you can work more when the kids are grown. Maybe it won't. It's possible he's just being snappy because he's working long hours in a senior job with lots of responsibility and feels a bit harried.

Let's not pretend all women are paragons of virtue here. It's usually the female always getting the hump over stuff with the couples I know IRL. So many women on here obsess over stupid things like comments their MIL made etc.

The 'real work'. 🤣

Doing a senior role as a high earner isn't real work? I honestly think a lot of women would find it harder to swap with their husbands than vice versa despite their dismissiveness.

Looking after kids can be brutal but it's not usually rocket science. It's typically stuff like lack of sleep that's the hard bit, not warming up a bottle. I mean, plenty of women in their early 20s manage to parent. Would they really be able to do a senior exec's job? Like be a finance director?

Not siding with men. It's just that so many people on here are biased. If you're a few years younger than your DH and either stopped work or went PT to look after kids you probs never reached the level he's at (not meaning OP here, just in general). The man in this instance can probs relate more to the role of the primary parent than vice versa.

Most men do have some involvement with their kids but has the partner ever worked as a director etc? And somebody will probably mention 'mental load' but don't you think somebody in a senior role also experiences this? We often see things like writing xmas cards and doing the shopping mentioned. Are these really harder than managing a company/workforce?

If this was patriarchy bingo your post would get you a full house.

As a high earner in a full time senior role I feel justified in saying the real work is the unpaid, unrecognised, constantly undermined work that goes on to keep a household running and an economy functioning.

Are you racking up debt? Is that why there's a reluctance to discuss money with him?

This man does not appreciate what you do for him. He doesn't respect you or your contribution to the home. Seriously, if you are ok with going back to work do that. If you have to spend money on childcare etc so be it, just make sure he pays half at least.
His attitude is not going to improve and when retirement comes guess who will have control over "his" hard earned large pension.

I'm also a teacher, so a few things resonate, while others don't. I've always worked full time, even when our kids were little.

Home and bills in joint names. Finances separate. My mother had been through a nasty divorce, so always having money of my own was drilled into me, plus, I enjoyed my work. The separate finances just sort of evolved. He pays some things, I pay others, it sort of works out. When I ask for money for something, like a family holiday, there will be a bit of eye rolling, but the money gets transferred to me.

My DH is also the higher earner. The difference for me is that I'm a lot better with money than DH. I've taken care of my pension, he worked for himself, so really didn't come to grips with that until quite late. Eventually my quiet little savings pot was enough for a small investment property, not bad considering I started by just putting away $5 a week. By the time I go to that stage I had to mention that my savings had got to that point, so he does know and even though it's in my name, I see it as something for both of us.

I do joke with him now that in retirement, it will probably be me carrying him, but the truth is that both of us have gotten to where we are because we do see things as being for both of us, despite whose name is on something. If we suddenly divorced, it's pretty much how the law would see things here too.

I think the main thing you need to do is firstly, find some time without the kids around and sit down for a proper conversation. No blame, looking to the future, how to best set things up so that your whole family benefits. The children aren't just yours and cost do need to be shared fairly. You both need money to spend without being questioned about it, but savings on top of that should be for longer term things that benefit you all.

The other things I'd worry about is your pension set up. Should things change at any time and you were on your own, has your pension been prioritised? Can you catch up with some extra contributions? I'd be framing this as maximising the outcomes for you both as a family (while making sure you are protected).

Some things to think about.

2027 really isn't that long to go, but make sure the finances are working for both of you now,

I know what you mean. It is getting easier but like this weekend … it’s damp and muddy and miserable and getting up the enthusiasm to go to a crowded soft play or swimming is hard. We could probably both use a weekend ‘off’ to reset but that can’t happen. So we trudge on

Don't go to soft play - it's not compulsory or enjoyable. Put wellies on, go out for a walk, come home and bake together, the 4 of you. Have some fun for crying out loud. Then put the kids in front of the telly and sit down and chat to your husband.

What exactly is his problem and what is his solution? If he's got a Big Job, do his colleagues have partners who are high earners too? Are you in debt? Would he like to drop a day and have more time at home with DD?

And - the Big Question - why are you buying Hello Fresh?

I'm going to base this on the fact that you say he's ultimately a good man and you don't want to leave him. I really would rethink your resistance to joint finances. The income disparity between you will only get worse so you need to establish some ground rules but this will only work if you communicate.

I think you need a reset conversation where you agree how you want to look as a team. This isn't about fixing everything straight away, but having a shared vision of how you want your marriage to work and feel.

You both need to prioritise falling in love and valuing each other. Thank each other daily for the contributions you make however small they are. Have fun together. It can look like a card game after dinner or a special bottle of wine on a Friday. Create regular moments where you pause and just enjoy each other.

Once your marriage is more stable then have an honest look at how it all works. Put it all on the table: how you'll share money, housework, admin, time with children and fun times. Decide together what fair looks like.

Don't add any more to the pile unless you both agree how it will be shared. Strip back and simply as much as you can. Stop making the default position that things can't change but look at how you both can be happier and create your agreed shared vision.

This. He's being unreasonable. If you can't get him on side there's not as much relationship there to save as you think there was .

Absolutely this.

You need to sit him down and talk honestly to him about what your day looks like, how much childcare you do, how much housework, how much of the unseen hidden emotional labour you do too. Emphasise that he could not do his job if you did not look after your joint children. Point out how much a cleaner, childcare etc would cost.

Was he funding your pension while you were on maternity leave? Point out that you are taking a career break and losing out financially to bring up HIS children, so you are paying a financial price too. Does he think that’s fair?

Point out that you are married, that you both took vows, that all money is joint, and say how upset and annoyed you are that he’s making these snide digs about money all the time. Tell him it’s making you resent him and killing your love.

Good luck!

Sorry OP, your partner is awful. Earns 95k and is complaining about £30? It's his own family!

It's the mentality that is the problem here- both his and yours. It's like he has detached from you all so you are separate 'units' -him to one side and you and kids on the other. You have done the same if you want separate finances too (do you not trust him? Do you have hidden savings?), even though money is an issue for you. You have a life ahead of you where you will continue to do everything for your kids even whilst working and the resentment will build.

Tell him to set up a DD into your account now for his own family to last until your return to work full time. Then both pay for items proportionate to your income once you are back at work.

I'm going to go completely against the grain here.. and just say that you should just go along with his narrative (for now)

You are leaning on him - financially speaking. You don't need to deny that, or feel bad about it. Men are very prideful and underneath the comments and teasing, he is likely really happy/proud to be the one who provides financially for his family.

If he makes a joke about you relying on his money, instead of biting back, just go to him all loving and say "Yes, I am so lucky to be able to rely on a good husband who can provide for us".

That is what almost every man and husband wants to hear, and in my experience of seeing men who do this, the ones who tease and constantly point out how much money they bring in, or what their partner spends, do it because they feel like their contribution isn't recognized. The teasing is because they aren't good enough communicators or mature enough emotionally to actually express that they would like appreciation. Give them that appreciation, and the teasing will stop, and be replaced with pride/affection.

Once you have a man who feels like his side of the contribution is recognized, it is a lot easier to then get them to recognize your side of the labor. Because it stops being a competition and a battle of "I do more! No I do this!" and just becomes two people who understand that they both rely on each other, and utilize what each other brings.

If though, you genuinely and lovingly recognize your reliance on his labor, but he still can't recognize what you bring... then you have a problem.

@GetAbsOrDieTrying - what they said.

You're in a family now with 2 small children - why on earth would you not have a joint account? By all means have your own savings or investments or whatever.

Surely you are both on the mortgage? Have life insurance etc with both names on?

It’s not impossible for you to work more, even with your DH working away, but fair enough you don’t want to, but understand it’s a choice you want to make to benefit your family, especially your DC. You want to spend this time with them, and this makes life easier for your DH. But he is clearly resentful of it. I guess you either suck it up, and spend less whilst you’re earning low (do you really need Hello Fresh when you’re home 5 days a week? You could pre-prepare food for days you work or just have something simple).

I’d ask your DH if he still onside with you working less at the moment, as you’re picking up on vibes that he isn’t. I think you have to let go on the whole idea you cannot work more, as you can. Plenty of women work full time, even with DH’s who do ‘big jobs’ and work away. Yes they are all exhausted and worn out. You don’t want to do that, and many women do the same as you. But your DH clearly isn’t ok with this. Why not pick up an extra day? That would make finances better. Tell your DH he needs to contribute more if you’re working more.

Always have in the back of your mind if the marriage ends, you’re the one on the back foot with your career and that’s hard to come from back.

Oh he knows, you have directly stated that to him. He just doesn't care.