Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

he "flipped"

275 replies

GiItABitMaerWelly · 23/01/2026 11:38

Looking for a handhold here, I guess..
I am in shock by what happened when I stayed over at my boyfriend's.
We'd argued and he'd just said that he just wants to be friends with me. I was sat on the bed watching TV and sniffling a bit and he was sat on the futon, doomscrolling. It was a horrible atmosphere.
Eventually I said something along the lines of "Oh I wish I was just at home right now". Then he leapt up and just went totally berserk at me.

He started yelling "You wanna leave? Then get the FUCK outta my house, you fucking piece of SHIT! NOW! Right now!" And starts sort of clapping his hands in a really crazy way. And all the time he's saying "Motherfucker! Get the FUCK out!!!!! You fucking piece of shit!" For a split second I thought he was joking but he wasn't.
I have never seen anyone so angry in my life, it was absolutely terrifying.
He started grabbing all my clothes out of the wardrobe and stuffing them into my handbag and I was trying to get changed and also kind of keep out of his way because he was scaring me so much.

It was gone midnight and I didn't have anywhere to stay and he lives in a really rough area so I didn't want to be walking the streets till it was dawn.

Then he stopped yelling and started muttering about how he's an idiot for believing a relationship would work, that he's been done again, he looks at me and told me that I am a really dreadful human, a really horrible person. He kept saying it over and over "you know that? You are really horrible". And just looking at me with total disgust.

Eventually I kind of calmed him down and we went to sleep. Next day he said he'd got upset because I had hurt his feelings because he had brought me a cup of tea and a snack and I'd seemed ungrateful for this by saying I wanted to be at home.

It had all begun when I had said I didn't want to get married to him, he has been pushing this fantasy where we get married but he doesn't want me to tell anyone till we've done it. His other big idea is that we buy doer-upper in the countryside.

Then later on he started saying I have loads of problems, loads of baggage, that he should never have joined Bumble in the first place. He kept saying over and over that I have a lot of problems, too many problems in fact and he can't cope with my constant negativity. He finds solutions and I am just a big ball of negative energy.
Then that was when he said he wanted to help me but as a friend.

I had said I just want a boyfriend at this point in time and not marriage.

He knows I have been in abusive relationships in the past and has got really sulky when he has scared or triggered me because he is not like that. We parted on good terms but only after I had listed all my faults too because it was wasn't fair of me to just say how he had upset me and I was like perfect or something.

There is no coming back from this, is there?

OP posts:
dawngreen · 23/01/2026 15:47

Run and don't stop!!!

BaconMassive · 23/01/2026 15:48

On one hand he's trying to terrify and dominate you with aggressive outbursts, and on the other he's trying to trap you into 'secret' and isolating situations.

These are beyond red flags, these are dangerous attributes and you need to step away for your own safety.

Classic push (shouting, fear) and pull (friendship, 'help', secrecy, isolation) techniques, from abusers.

Please step away, no admittance of fault (in current or past behaviour), no ridiculous attempt to remain friends, create physical and technological distance and keep in touch with safe and trusted friends.

Bikergran · 23/01/2026 16:02

Pack your bags and get out and then block him in every way possible. Now.

Original poster
GiItABitMaerWelly · 23/01/2026 16:06

Pedallleur · 23/01/2026 14:48

Good news is he just put it all out there for you to see. No drip feed/gaslighting/1000 cuts. Now you can move on.

There had been some instances of gaslighting, really silly trivial stuff like we would have watched something on Netflix and he would insist that we hadn't seen it. Or he would say he has leaned me a hoodie and he hadn't. Or that I'd said I can see him on a particular date when I had said I was seeing my friends and then he'd make me feel bad for "cancelling" on him. I do have issues with my memory so he'd be making me doubt myself.

So I was starting to have my doubts but on the other hand he could be really sweet (obviously even the worst people are nice sometimes- not excusing what he did). And the push to get married was a red flag too.
And he was really bossy about stuff like my health.

OP posts:
Original poster
GiItABitMaerWelly · 23/01/2026 16:08

@BaconMassive I had thought about staying friends but I don't want to now. He scares me so much.

OP posts:
Original poster
GiItABitMaerWelly · 23/01/2026 16:11

Just to clarify we don't live together. I spent a lot of time at his though, so a lot of my belongings were at his. He was always trying to get me to move more and more of my stuff into his. Making space for my stuff in his wardrobe, putting a shelf up for me (this was after an incident a bit like this but nowhere near as bad). More fool me I guess, for not ending things at that point.

OP posts:
Original poster
GiItABitMaerWelly · 23/01/2026 16:12

Happyjoe · 23/01/2026 14:16

Seriously, I don't care even if you have issues. The way he spoke to you was just bloody awful. Anyone who cared wouldn't shout and scream at you like that, they'd talk to you. He's a bad one.

For that reason alone he is not the man for you. Please take some time out, get stronger, reflect on what you need and more than anything, get yourself in a good place. Take very good care OP, sending hugs over MN.

Thank you that means a lot and thank you everyone who has replied I do truly appreciate it.

OP posts:
AcrossthePond55 · 23/01/2026 16:15

@GiItABitMaerWelly

A man who screams, yells, and uses horrible, vile language and who says about past relationships "I never hit her, I'm not like that" is a man who truly believes that verbal and emotional abuse literally doesn't exist. He believes his behaviour is not abusive, therefore is within the 'norm' of behaviour. There is no way to change a behaviour he feels does not exist.

As a rule you can't 'slow fade' someone like that. They catch on pretty quickly. IMHO you have to cut them out of your life like a cancer.

Since he's told you some terrible things he did to women who broke with him, I'd suggest you speak to the police and explain your fears and that you want to break with him but are worried about retaliation. It very well may be they have some sort of 'file' on him even if he was never charged or convicted. Or he may be simply 'known' to them. If not, they may be able to advise you on how to protect yourself. My suggestion is that you get a Ring doorbell. Personally, I think everyone should have one simply for the convenience. But they're also a great 'warning device' if it's needed.

ETA: As far as your things at his place, honestly as long as it's not vital (laptop, glasses, medications, documents), sentimental (heirloom jewelry, etc), or extremely expensive or irreplaceable I'd count it as lost and a lesson learnt. It is not worth putting yourself in his presence over some clothing, DVDs/CDs, or makeup. If there are things you feel you must get back first see if he'll post them to you (he won't, he wants to see you). Barring that, do NOT go alone. Bring someone large and preferably male with you. You can check with the police but where I am they won't accompany you unless there is a court order or verified threats have been made.

Porwrp · 23/01/2026 16:16

OP he sounds terrifying.

Don't be alone with him again ever, don't let him in your home etc.

Is your home secure? Do you have a ring doorbell?

I know you don't want to say what he did to his ex but if it's truly evil and/or criminal it may be wise to contact the police for advice and to ask about Claire's law, and for them to log your address, things like that.

Please don't be reeled back in by him.

Original poster
GiItABitMaerWelly · 23/01/2026 16:17

Gasbox · 23/01/2026 13:49

Perfect, glad you will be out of his reach, maybe turn your phone off too? Just before you go might be a good time to properly break it off actually, it's going to have to be done at some point.

Show quote history

I am really hoping to slowly fade away and kind of grey rock given what he has told me about how previous relationships ended as I am terrified he will do similar to me.

OP posts:
BellaTrixLeStrange1 · 23/01/2026 16:18

There is no coming back from this - walk away. Fast. And don’t look back. This man is an abuser!

Original poster
GiItABitMaerWelly · 23/01/2026 16:21

Porwrp · 23/01/2026 16:16

OP he sounds terrifying.

Don't be alone with him again ever, don't let him in your home etc.

Is your home secure? Do you have a ring doorbell?

I know you don't want to say what he did to his ex but if it's truly evil and/or criminal it may be wise to contact the police for advice and to ask about Claire's law, and for them to log your address, things like that.

Please don't be reeled back in by him.

It was criminal I would say. But he wasn't caught as it was in a different country. And then he said he would not tell me what he did to the other girlfriend as it was evil. I don't know whether he could sense that I was having doubts and pulling away and that was why he was trying to scare me. If so then it worked. As I am fucking terrified.

OP posts:
StripedVase · 23/01/2026 16:24

If you are terrified, please go to the police. No-one here can do anything except encourage you not to have any further contact. If either cutting contact or maintaining it endangers you, you must get outside help.

lifeonmars100 · 23/01/2026 16:34

That sounds terrifying, poor you what a horrbile thing to happen. He is a nasty piece of work and you are well rid of him

TessSaysYes · 23/01/2026 16:40

You re right. This relationship needs to be over.
It sounds like the next episode will include violence. Be wise and end it now.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 23/01/2026 16:40

GiItABitMaerWelly · 23/01/2026 16:21

It was criminal I would say. But he wasn't caught as it was in a different country. And then he said he would not tell me what he did to the other girlfriend as it was evil. I don't know whether he could sense that I was having doubts and pulling away and that was why he was trying to scare me. If so then it worked. As I am fucking terrified.

Show quote history

He told you all this to make sure you never finished with him. He wanted you to stay with him because you were too scared to ever end it. Which is pretty horrific on its own, if you think about it.

londongroom · 23/01/2026 16:41

As soon as any woman or man tells you to leave, Take that to heart and pack the f out of there.

You do not want things escalating , even if you hope they will calm down.

Good luck

dontforgettofloss · 23/01/2026 16:52

For the poster that said OP and him aren’t right for each other, I just wanted to say- he isn’t right for anyone, he should be single for the rest of his life, HE is the piece of shit, not you OP

ChickNorris · 23/01/2026 16:55

Absolutely no going back.
I too was told that I was an absolutely horrible person. The diatribe I was subjected to was his final 'gotcha' moment. The pity party and the character assasination, after a period of attacking my self esteem and generally being awful.
I wish that at that time I had had enough self esteem and knowledge to see it all for what it was. A total and utter projection on his part and a part and parcel of the narcissistic schtik. I didn't leave it where I should have and it carried on in a similar vein.
Please never take things up again with this man. Do it for your future. And just know that what he was describing there was himself, not you.
They always ask people to take the brunt of what they are. Don't let him.

Catpuss66 · 23/01/2026 16:57

GiItABitMaerWelly · 23/01/2026 11:38

Looking for a handhold here, I guess..
I am in shock by what happened when I stayed over at my boyfriend's.
We'd argued and he'd just said that he just wants to be friends with me. I was sat on the bed watching TV and sniffling a bit and he was sat on the futon, doomscrolling. It was a horrible atmosphere.
Eventually I said something along the lines of "Oh I wish I was just at home right now". Then he leapt up and just went totally berserk at me.

He started yelling "You wanna leave? Then get the FUCK outta my house, you fucking piece of SHIT! NOW! Right now!" And starts sort of clapping his hands in a really crazy way. And all the time he's saying "Motherfucker! Get the FUCK out!!!!! You fucking piece of shit!" For a split second I thought he was joking but he wasn't.
I have never seen anyone so angry in my life, it was absolutely terrifying.
He started grabbing all my clothes out of the wardrobe and stuffing them into my handbag and I was trying to get changed and also kind of keep out of his way because he was scaring me so much.

It was gone midnight and I didn't have anywhere to stay and he lives in a really rough area so I didn't want to be walking the streets till it was dawn.

Then he stopped yelling and started muttering about how he's an idiot for believing a relationship would work, that he's been done again, he looks at me and told me that I am a really dreadful human, a really horrible person. He kept saying it over and over "you know that? You are really horrible". And just looking at me with total disgust.

Eventually I kind of calmed him down and we went to sleep. Next day he said he'd got upset because I had hurt his feelings because he had brought me a cup of tea and a snack and I'd seemed ungrateful for this by saying I wanted to be at home.

It had all begun when I had said I didn't want to get married to him, he has been pushing this fantasy where we get married but he doesn't want me to tell anyone till we've done it. His other big idea is that we buy doer-upper in the countryside.

Then later on he started saying I have loads of problems, loads of baggage, that he should never have joined Bumble in the first place. He kept saying over and over that I have a lot of problems, too many problems in fact and he can't cope with my constant negativity. He finds solutions and I am just a big ball of negative energy.
Then that was when he said he wanted to help me but as a friend.

I had said I just want a boyfriend at this point in time and not marriage.

He knows I have been in abusive relationships in the past and has got really sulky when he has scared or triggered me because he is not like that. We parted on good terms but only after I had listed all my faults too because it was wasn't fair of me to just say how he had upset me and I was like perfect or something.

There is no coming back from this, is there?

Do you even need to ask the question, just block him.

Pedallleur · 23/01/2026 16:58

Anything at his house is just stuff that can be replaced. Your safety and sanity are what matters.

seratoninmoonbeams · 23/01/2026 17:01

…..he's been hiding his true colours. He wants you to get married but not tell anyone until after because he knows anyone that loves you will probably tell you not to because they know he’s a piece of shit. Then. When he got hitched, wants to move you to the middle of nowhere so he can control you further. He’s got fed up and shown his true colours. Lucky escape. Get out asap.

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 23/01/2026 17:07

Thank heavens you have the sense to listen to your doubts ~now~ and not waste any more time on this vicious man.

timeismymedicine · 23/01/2026 17:21

I have had a similar relationship experience as you. Different man, as he was in his 50’s After a year he flipped major style when he perceived something I had said during a random conversation as being disrespectful to him. If it was it wasn’t intentional. He suddenly flipped, started shouting at me, really in my face telling me all my faults according to him, on and on and on it went. Relentless for a couple of hours. Next day he carried on like everything was normal. I was in bits.
I made the mistake of staying and it happened again next time the level of verbal abuse was ramped up, it was vile. Swearing, using things I had told him in confidence to humiliate me. I could go on but just wanted to let you know how similar my experience was.
I posted on here and I would say 100% of responders to my post advised me to leave. I was so grateful for that advice. When I ended the relationship he hounded me, one day claiming to love me. Next time threatening to ruin me. I blocked and deleted his phone no, email etc but he would message me on other platforms like Strava, etc. I never answered. Anyway I have had no contact now for a month - I split with him 6 months ago, that’s how long it’s taken. I’m still a bit worried he might just turn up on my doorstep one day.
I echo what other posters have said, get out now. He is bad news. My ex also wanted to get married, so pleased I didn’t! Take care of you. Wishing you strength and resilience. You deserve better.

trustedadult · 23/01/2026 17:39

Leave him