he "flipped"

[GiItABitMaerWelly]

Looking for a handhold here, I guess..
I am in shock by what happened when I stayed over at my boyfriend's.
We'd argued and he'd just said that he just wants to be friends with me. I was sat on the bed watching TV and sniffling a bit and he was sat on the futon, doomscrolling. It was a horrible atmosphere.
Eventually I said something along the lines of "Oh I wish I was just at home right now". Then he leapt up and just went totally berserk at me.

He started yelling "You wanna leave? Then get the FUCK outta my house, you fucking piece of SHIT! NOW! Right now!" And starts sort of clapping his hands in a really crazy way. And all the time he's saying "Motherfucker! Get the FUCK out!!!!! You fucking piece of shit!" For a split second I thought he was joking but he wasn't.
I have never seen anyone so angry in my life, it was absolutely terrifying.
He started grabbing all my clothes out of the wardrobe and stuffing them into my handbag and I was trying to get changed and also kind of keep out of his way because he was scaring me so much.

It was gone midnight and I didn't have anywhere to stay and he lives in a really rough area so I didn't want to be walking the streets till it was dawn.

Then he stopped yelling and started muttering about how he's an idiot for believing a relationship would work, that he's been done again, he looks at me and told me that I am a really dreadful human, a really horrible person. He kept saying it over and over "you know that? You are really horrible". And just looking at me with total disgust.

Eventually I kind of calmed him down and we went to sleep. Next day he said he'd got upset because I had hurt his feelings because he had brought me a cup of tea and a snack and I'd seemed ungrateful for this by saying I wanted to be at home.

It had all begun when I had said I didn't want to get married to him, he has been pushing this fantasy where we get married but he doesn't want me to tell anyone till we've done it. His other big idea is that we buy doer-upper in the countryside.

Then later on he started saying I have loads of problems, loads of baggage, that he should never have joined Bumble in the first place. He kept saying over and over that I have a lot of problems, too many problems in fact and he can't cope with my constant negativity. He finds solutions and I am just a big ball of negative energy.
Then that was when he said he wanted to help me but as a friend.

I had said I just want a boyfriend at this point in time and not marriage.

He knows I have been in abusive relationships in the past and has got really sulky when he has scared or triggered me because he is not like that. We parted on good terms but only after I had listed all my faults too because it was wasn't fair of me to just say how he had upset me and I was like perfect or something.

There is no coming back from this, is there?

Of course it hurt, @GiItABitMaerWelly - But remember, those words mean nothing, they are just spewed to make you feel bad, but not reflecting anything who you are. It will be very uncomfortable to exit this until it is a 100% done, but try to focus on the positive side - You are not married, you don't have kids, so you can 100% cut ties and move on to happier things.

Being called horrible and piece of shit by an abusive psychopath has no meaning, rest assured. He's projecting big time.

This about previous relationship is extremely scary. Could you request a Clare's Law?

There is probably as much going back as you are willing to keep doing.

Let that sink in. Then, go and report him to the police, say that you are scared for your safety as you're about to end an abusive relationship. Ask them about Clare's Law.

Look into The Freedom Programme. You need to do some work to get into a position where you aren't putting yourself in the same position with men who are unsafe to be around again. Make that a priority.

Yeah... absolutely not.
He is mentally unstable, you need to stay as far away from him as possible.

Men like this should be locked up for good.

Take no notice of what he said - he was throwing absolutely everything at you to make you feel as bad as possible.

I'd take a break from dating and get some counselling. Your doctor should be able to get you some free hours. There were tons of red flags around this man that should have told you to get out of the relationship much much earlier. I think you should take a year or two to work on yourself so that you don't make this mistake again.

He is abusive OP and has no love or respect for you. Leave him and get some therapy to help you break the cycle of abusive relationships. You deserve better than this horrible man.

I had a man flip on me once, just after sex so I felt particularly vulnerable. When he calmed down later on, I referenced what had happened and he said something like “oh I got like that with you already?” As though he didn’t even remember it. So scary. Obviously I went right off him after that.

I think it’s positive that he said he wants to help you as a friend as it sounds like he doesn’t want to be in the relationship either. What did he do to the previous ex? He said he doesn’t hit women so I assume he wasn’t violent, but it was bad enough that you’re scared to end things. Could you get someone to stay at your house for a few days? Your safety is the most important thing, but I don’t think you can let this drag on

Plan is to stop dating for a really long time as I don't want to be around any men anymore.
Looked into Clares Law but the thing with the ex happened in another jurisdiction he was in an LDR with her.
If I tell police will they be sympathetic? I don't want them to actually do anything except know that he might react badly to me ending things if that makes sense.

He’s an abusive cunt. I feel on edge and threatened just reading that.

Think about it - I wouldn’t treat someone I actively disliked in such a horrible threatening disrespectful way, let alone someone I loved (and I’m sure you’re the same). What does that tell you about this man and the acceptability of his behaviour?

We had sex not long before this happened too. Then we talked about marriage and me not being 100% committed to the idea, then he ended things completely, then I was upset and said I wish I was at home and that was when he flipped.

Totally get what you mean about feeling extra vulnerable due to timing I felt the same as we had been intimate probably only an hour before hand. It was surreal. I still can't believe what happened to be honest.

Exactly. Repeating the cycle without learning anything. The fact you are even asking if there’s no coming back, means you shouldn’t touch another relationship without doing a lot of work on yourself. You will keep picking these men, if you don’t get some help first.

When you say another jurisdiction, are you and were they in the UK?

If you feel able, you could go to the local police station and ask to see a female officer who specialises in DV. There will be someone you can talk to. If you tell them what you've said here they will take you seriously.

Value your own feelings, and experiences.

He doesn't want to be in a relationship unless we get married. It is either or for him. We discussed being fuckbuddies but I didn't want that, I did want a relationship just not with the eloping and being married secretly and not telling my friends or family till afterwards.

It is really terrifying and quite traumatic. I can easily see how people get trapped in abusive relationships as the flipped behaviour seems out of character, hard to believe, a strange blip that you hope doesn’t repeat.

I really can't say as it will be too identifying and I am scared of him. It was dreadful though trust me!
Also he said he did something to a different ex he is not proud of it, it was "evil" and he refused to say what it was that he had done. I don't know if maybe he was just chatting shit to scare me, I guess if he was then it worked.

Why are you saying this as if they are just not compatible?

This man is an abusive arsehole and he isn't suitable for anyone.

The Women's Aid course a PP mentioned is called the Freedom Programme OP and is well worth doing. You can do it online, (it was about £15 last time I looked) or in person if you can find a course near you.

I understand why you're doing the slow fade, hope it works and you're free of him soon. What support do you have around you, family, friends? Tell everyone, make sure you have people looking out for you who know exactly what's happened and understand the potential danger. Don't even consider going back, not that I think you will, and avoid seeing him at all costs especially alone, don't answer the door if he comes to your place.

One other thing, the horrible stuff he screamed at you is going to replay in your head which will be unpleasant, but you can control how that affects you. Everytime it happens you need to focus on the nasty, psychopathic monster who is using those words and what it says about him that he's capable of doing that to another human being, one he was supposed to care about. None of what he said was about you, it was a glimpse into the cesspit that is his mind and proof that he actively wanted to hurt you and is not a safe (or desirable!) person for you to be around.

Please keep yourself safe OP, hope he leaves you in peace.

@InWithPeaceOutWithStress that is what is so weird about it. He just carried on as normal next day as if he had just been a bit grumpy or something, not like someone who had been literally screaming at me and calling me all sorts of names.

He had totally lost control, it was honestly like he was possessed or something. I have never seen anything like it. With my previous ex you'd see it building up, warning signs. But with him he was just sulking a bit but yeah he had brought me tea and stuff. Not that bringing me tea excuses it but that was the context. Bringing me tea and saying he wanted to be friends. He is now acting like nothing had happened. It is just bizarre.

He's given you an out with all the verbal abuse - all of which is untrue and said to hurt you and put you in your place. You can tell him you've realised he's right, you are an awful person and you can't be with him and drag him down. The only option is to part.

I'm so sorry you experienced this, OP. I'm reading this with my mouth open! What a horrible excuse for a 'man'. You deserve much, much better! You say he's 40. How old are you?

Thank you @Gasbox for your message.
I have told close friends what he is like and what happened. It is hard to describe it though because you sort of had to be there. But there are several people who are aware. Am going away for a few days to stay with a friend as I don't want to be by myself.

He obviously has some extreme and unprocessed issues and can snap any time. Please get away from this awful situation. He can’t come back from that.

His actions were vile and despicable. He is vile and despicable. No one should treat a person like that.

Block him and move on. No slow fade.

And as others suggest, do the women’s aid course as there will have been signs before last night that you minimised or ignored.