he "flipped"

[GiItABitMaerWelly]

Looking for a handhold here, I guess..
I am in shock by what happened when I stayed over at my boyfriend's.
We'd argued and he'd just said that he just wants to be friends with me. I was sat on the bed watching TV and sniffling a bit and he was sat on the futon, doomscrolling. It was a horrible atmosphere.
Eventually I said something along the lines of "Oh I wish I was just at home right now". Then he leapt up and just went totally berserk at me.

He started yelling "You wanna leave? Then get the FUCK outta my house, you fucking piece of SHIT! NOW! Right now!" And starts sort of clapping his hands in a really crazy way. And all the time he's saying "Motherfucker! Get the FUCK out!!!!! You fucking piece of shit!" For a split second I thought he was joking but he wasn't.
I have never seen anyone so angry in my life, it was absolutely terrifying.
He started grabbing all my clothes out of the wardrobe and stuffing them into my handbag and I was trying to get changed and also kind of keep out of his way because he was scaring me so much.

It was gone midnight and I didn't have anywhere to stay and he lives in a really rough area so I didn't want to be walking the streets till it was dawn.

Then he stopped yelling and started muttering about how he's an idiot for believing a relationship would work, that he's been done again, he looks at me and told me that I am a really dreadful human, a really horrible person. He kept saying it over and over "you know that? You are really horrible". And just looking at me with total disgust.

Eventually I kind of calmed him down and we went to sleep. Next day he said he'd got upset because I had hurt his feelings because he had brought me a cup of tea and a snack and I'd seemed ungrateful for this by saying I wanted to be at home.

It had all begun when I had said I didn't want to get married to him, he has been pushing this fantasy where we get married but he doesn't want me to tell anyone till we've done it. His other big idea is that we buy doer-upper in the countryside.

Then later on he started saying I have loads of problems, loads of baggage, that he should never have joined Bumble in the first place. He kept saying over and over that I have a lot of problems, too many problems in fact and he can't cope with my constant negativity. He finds solutions and I am just a big ball of negative energy.
Then that was when he said he wanted to help me but as a friend.

I had said I just want a boyfriend at this point in time and not marriage.

He knows I have been in abusive relationships in the past and has got really sulky when he has scared or triggered me because he is not like that. We parted on good terms but only after I had listed all my faults too because it was wasn't fair of me to just say how he had upset me and I was like perfect or something.

There is no coming back from this, is there?

@Cheesypasta I did actually try that, and said yeah I do have too much baggage and he deserves better but he is acting like he wants to rescue me from myself/ circumstances. I feel like he just wants me to be really isolated, living in the middle of nowhere with him, as presumably nobody would then hear him if he has another rage and it would be harder for friends and family to visit me.

I am in my late 30's.

Read up on The Cycle of Abuse.

You're purposefully being made to feel bewildered. If you remain around to see what comes next, he would more than likely be "nice" now for a period, in which you start to doubt yourself even more than you already are, being that you can't belive it happened. You relax a bit, then bang. Off you go again, round and round until crisis point where you're spat out at the other end in tatters, with a lot more work to do than you have currently.

Seek the help. Do the work. It's imperative if you don't want a lifetime of this, because there is a man on every corner waiting for someone to control. Make sure it's not you.

Isolating you phyiscally and emotionally from friends and family also a glaring classic. You've got some reading to do, do it like your life depends on it. Because it does.

Yes I can see he has already began to isolate me as he would guilt trip me into spending time with him so this Xmas I missed seeing friends when I would normally meet them and I am regretful of this and need to get in touch and apologise for not seeing them. Also missed out on seeing family which I feel very guilty about.

you said he's sulked when he has scared or triggered you. which means its happened on multiple occasions. he's taken the trash out for you. but you need to be more cognisant of a partner that is making you scared early on.

I'd stop sharing the intimate details of your past relationships with someone you're not sure you see a future with.

Do you live with this fucker and not have your own place any more? It wasn't clear because you talked about wanting to be at home but then had no place to go when he flipped.
You need to get out. He is abusive.
If you don't have your own place you need to urgently find somewhere else to go - a friend or relative's until you can get sorted, or an airbnb while you sort a rental property.
And if you have your own property just wait until he's gone out to work, pack your stuff and leave. Get a friend to help you. You can deal with anything else afterwards - if he threatens you etc, straight to the police.

He’s out of your life now, OP. And it’s clear as day why he is unable to sustain a relationship.

All the horrible name calling was him projecting his repeated failure with relationships onto you. Don’t take it personally, because it is not true of you.

Yiu can now spend as much time with your friends and family as you like. I think a partner trying to isolate you from your loved ones is the sign of a very disturbed person. You’re free of that now.

Perfect, glad you will be out of his reach, maybe turn your phone off too? Just before you go might be a good time to properly break it off actually, it's going to have to be done at some point.

Obviously don't go anywhere near him again but the bit I'm confused with is why did you stay there?

Do you not drive? No friends/family you could have called as you were clearly in a dangerous situation?

Run for the hills.
Please, please research “shark cage theory” and stop online dating for a while, otherwise you will continue to attract abusive partners.

https://www.ncdv.org.uk/ get a non-mol now OP x

You know there isn't any way back from it.

Abusers look for people who've been abused in the past.

But because you've been abused before you know the red flags. Use this power and dump him. Don't look back. Onwards and upwards.

Agree with PP's about reading up about abuse, knowledge is definitely power when it comes to this stuff. Search 'Why does he do that by Lundy Bancroft free pdf' online OP, the chapter on the types of abuser is particularly enlightening.

You don't want to come back from this. Leave him.

totally lost control, it was honestly like he was possessed or something

....op that's his mask coming off. You saw a glimpse of the real him. Believe me.

He wanted you married and in the middle of nowhere for a reason, to control and isolate you futher.

Believe what you saw. That's the real him.

OP you seriously need to make sure this relationship is ended. Now. No slow fade. Ended and blocked. And I recommend you contact the police and tell them exactly what you’ve said here - including the full details of what happened at the end of previous relationships.

hard agree with pp. Also Clare's Law the fucker x

What a disgusting piece of victim blaming.

The problem here is not the OP. It is the man who acts abusively.

For her own safety, she does need to learn how to spot red flags quickly and walk away from such people.

But the person responsible for the abusive behaviour is him, not her.

There is no coming back from this.

You saw the real person there, not the facade that had sucked you in.

You are not the problem here.

Take all your belongings out of his house, go back to your own home, get your locks changed (tell landlord, if renting, that you have ended an abusive ex relationship and fear for your safety), text him that you do not want to see him or hear from him ever again, and then block him on all SM and on your phone.

This is a dangerous man. Do not underestimate the danger you were in and would continue to be in if you let him back into your life.

@Frugalgal

That post was shocking. Please go read up on abuse and educate yourself!

also install the Hollie Guard app. If you are in danger and you shake it, it will send a signal for help x

it was horrifying.

She said he lived in a dodgy area, no car.

It is also very likely she froze in response to the terrifying rage she witnessed. Freeze, fight, and flight are three well recognized response to a display like that.

Also, women in particular are often hard wired to grow quiet and completely inoffensive in order to prevent escalation in the face of verbal abuse/ rage/ tirades - any attempt by the OP to make a call and talk to a friend or family member after the display of extreme rage might have resulted in physical violence.

The guy is a total wacko. Made me feel tense just reading what you went through! What a horrid experience, sorry OP. If you've had two seriously vile men, I would suggest you have therapy before attempting another relationship, as each one like this will only damage you further. You absolutely deserve and can find a decent partner, but will likely need help for yourself first x