he "flipped"

[GiItABitMaerWelly]

Looking for a handhold here, I guess..
I am in shock by what happened when I stayed over at my boyfriend's.
We'd argued and he'd just said that he just wants to be friends with me. I was sat on the bed watching TV and sniffling a bit and he was sat on the futon, doomscrolling. It was a horrible atmosphere.
Eventually I said something along the lines of "Oh I wish I was just at home right now". Then he leapt up and just went totally berserk at me.

He started yelling "You wanna leave? Then get the FUCK outta my house, you fucking piece of SHIT! NOW! Right now!" And starts sort of clapping his hands in a really crazy way. And all the time he's saying "Motherfucker! Get the FUCK out!!!!! You fucking piece of shit!" For a split second I thought he was joking but he wasn't.
I have never seen anyone so angry in my life, it was absolutely terrifying.
He started grabbing all my clothes out of the wardrobe and stuffing them into my handbag and I was trying to get changed and also kind of keep out of his way because he was scaring me so much.

It was gone midnight and I didn't have anywhere to stay and he lives in a really rough area so I didn't want to be walking the streets till it was dawn.

Then he stopped yelling and started muttering about how he's an idiot for believing a relationship would work, that he's been done again, he looks at me and told me that I am a really dreadful human, a really horrible person. He kept saying it over and over "you know that? You are really horrible". And just looking at me with total disgust.

Eventually I kind of calmed him down and we went to sleep. Next day he said he'd got upset because I had hurt his feelings because he had brought me a cup of tea and a snack and I'd seemed ungrateful for this by saying I wanted to be at home.

It had all begun when I had said I didn't want to get married to him, he has been pushing this fantasy where we get married but he doesn't want me to tell anyone till we've done it. His other big idea is that we buy doer-upper in the countryside.

Then later on he started saying I have loads of problems, loads of baggage, that he should never have joined Bumble in the first place. He kept saying over and over that I have a lot of problems, too many problems in fact and he can't cope with my constant negativity. He finds solutions and I am just a big ball of negative energy.
Then that was when he said he wanted to help me but as a friend.

I had said I just want a boyfriend at this point in time and not marriage.

He knows I have been in abusive relationships in the past and has got really sulky when he has scared or triggered me because he is not like that. We parted on good terms but only after I had listed all my faults too because it was wasn't fair of me to just say how he had upset me and I was like perfect or something.

There is no coming back from this, is there?

@Dinoswearunderpantsyou are aware that 1 in 4 adults in the UK do not have a drivers licence? And there are many more like me who have a licence but don’t own a car? ‘Did you not drive’ clearly not! That’s why buses and trains and tubes exist.

I do have a Ring type of doorbell so that is good as means I can be out if he calls..

I did try and slow fade before and I do think that he started to get bored and stuff.

I know what he did to his ex was illegal and although if he did it here he would face legal ramifications if I reported to police but it'd still be something I want to avoid happening hence me not ending things but trying to slow fade.

I understand that you are scared but you have information not only about your own issues with him but what he has done to someone else.
The only thought I would say is he will go on & hurt another woman then how would you feel? You have tried a slow burn before & it has not worked as you were back with him.

Freedom program

https://freedomprogramme.co.uk/docs/fp.pdf

It it hasn't already been suggested Lundy Bancroft why does he do that 10000% recommend

Contact the police, ask for advice, contact women's aid

Thank you I do have a copy of "why does he do that" now and to be perfectly honest it made me feel a bit sick how accurately he nails it. It is like he is describing his character 100%

Be careful op thinking of you x

God no!! Do not go back. He is DREADFUL

Be glad you got out safely, never ever see him again not to remain friends, nothing. It’s really scary how nasty he became really quickly, he has no control over his feelings.

I think that this is the crux of it. He just totally lost control of his feelings, he was like a toddler in a way. But obviously a lot meaner. I think that looking back there are so many red flags and hints that he was capable of behaving like this but I didn't see some of them and others I just ignored deliberately.

Get the book “ The Gift Of Fear” by Gavin deBecker. Ot will help you understand how to recognize and deter predators. There were lots of signs—that you recognized—that this man was bad but you smothered your intuition and made excuses for him or avoided coming to a negative conclusion.

It also works the opposite way around, I'm sorry to say. The compulsion to repeat isn't only coming from your side.

People who have formerly been victims of abuse - and the earlier this occurred the more ingrained it is - are magnets for abusers. It's as though radio signals are being transmitted that only they can receive.

I've had trauma therapy (EMDR) for cPTSD, and this life-changing therapy caused me to see these patterns very clearly. The good news it that it IS possible to break them - the bad news is that this takes a lot of very difficult and gruelling emotional work.

And now for the best news. Once the scales have fallen from your eyes there's no going back and you can spot these people coming from a mile away. When it comes to the patterns abusers follow it's frightening how little these vary.

Therapy like this would be the greatest possible gift you can give yourself. Ordinary counselling won't cut it - and nor IME will CBT.

Also, the book entitled Why does he do that? is also received reading for women in your position.

I'm sorry, OP. To look into the mirror and recognise yourself as a victim, particularly if, like many of us, you think of yourself as a strong person and strenuously resist that label. But abusers are no respecters of strength or weakness - it's a very specific type of victim they go for.

I'm sorry this has happened to you.

Thanks I have heard of this but thought it was more for stuff like stranger danger. Will check it out. Thanks

Thank you for your kind message.
My first relationship was highly abusive, it would be frowned upon now and probably sent to safe-guarding but at the time having a much older boyfriend wasn't frowned upon in the way it is now.

I can barely think about him now, 20+ years later 🫠 even stuff like seeing his name, hearing music that he liked makes me feel scared.

Did you get EMDR on the NHS? Would they give you it for something that happened a long time ago?

When it comes to the patterns abusers follow it's frightening how little these vary.
YEP VERY MUCH SO.

I just keep thinking "how did he know
????" I really do feel like I am sending out signals saying "scream and shout at me"

@GiItABitMaerWelly

I just keep thinking "how did he know????"

That's the 65mil question. If the professionals who help us knew the answer to that one there would be no need for them.

I really do feel like I am sending out signals saying "scream and shout at me"

Do we send out signals? I think we do. I think we appear to their 'hunting instincts' as very vulnerable to their wiles and they take advantage of that. Not signals that say 'abuse me', but ones that show us to be too trusting, too ready to take people 'on their surfaces', or too accepting of their bad behaviour in the early days. In total, too 'loving' (read "Women Who Love Too Much"). I don't think that makes us in any way at fault or stupid, although there are people who will accuse us of both. People who don't get it.

We are the sum of our experiences. Some were raised in abusive homes and that's all they know so they accept the abuse as part of marriage. But some were (like me) raised in homes where the parents walked the same path all their lives in harmony. This means we never learnt to deal with marital conflict. Our example was 'be nice and your spouse will be nice, too'. It never would have occurred to our parents to say "Your spouse shouldn't hit you or verbally abuse you". So when we are abused we think we must be doing something 'wrong' or we're just so dumbfounded we don't know what to do at all. But either way, we are not to blame, we have been victimized.

Thank you @AcrossthePond55 for your reply.
I totally agree with you. My parents had a long and very harmonious marriage and I didn't ever see them arguing. Not because they let things simmer they just were very well-suited. So yes like you I just assumed if I was nice (and I do try to be) then I would be treated the same. And when I was in my first abusive relationship I thought it was my fault and it was something I did. And then other relationships followed suite.

I have definitely been guilty of accepting bad behaviour early on that someone else would not have put up with 😶‍🌫️

@GiItABitMaerWelly

It was wonderful to be raised by parents who loved each other in a no conflict home. It's almost funny to think it could possibly have any disadvantages. I think another disadvantage is that, having a wonderful father who treated our mums with respect, we didn't learn to recognize red flags. If there was troubling behaviour we either discounted it as 'a bad mood' (even good people have them) or figured it was 'something we did'.

I accepted bad behaviour, too. But I don't like the concept of 'guilt'. Guilt is what people put on us to make us feel bad about ourselves or responsible for another's actions. Maybe we'd be better to use the word 'regret'. We regret that we accepted the bad behaviour.

I like the wise words of Dr Maya Angelou: "You did then what you knew how to do. Now that you know better, you'll do better".

No

I think another disadvantage is that, having a wonderful father who treated our mums with respect, we didn't learn to recognize red flags.

@AcrossthePond55 totally agree with you,,, my dad would no sooner have grown wings and flown to the moon than he would've spoken down to my mum or yelled at her, embarrassdd her, etc. It would have been totally unthinkable! I had no idea what red flags to look out for from school PSE and my parents would not have been able to list any if I had asked them. It just wasn't the kind of things that was on their radar at all. I do think there was less talk of red flags in the 90's but more worldly wise parents may have given their daughter a list of behaviours to avoid or watch out for.

@GiItABitMaerWelly

Absolutely about our dads. It's something I've puzzled about at times. With such good examples of truly kind and honourable men during our impressionable years, why did we not pick one when the time came? I know we didn't recognize 'red flags' but apparently we didn't recognize goodness either. I'm not blaming us, I know that bad 'un can be very charming and 'seductive'. But you would have thought that something in us would have 'drawn' us to good men.

I do know that my mum did NOT like my exH nor the man I got entangled with after my divorce. Both were abusive shits. So she recognized it even if I didn't.

But my mistakes were decades ago so all tucked away in my mental closet, up on a high shelf.

I would love to know the answers... My dad absolutely adored my mum. And nobody ever had a bad word to say about him, ever.
I can guess that maybe it was some kind of rebellion, for me to find the opposite of my dad. And that first boyfriend who was just awful (and was the exact opposite of my dad) then became my 'type'. My parents hated him. And tried to split us up and I know you're not meant to do that when someone is an abusive relationship because it can push them further into the arms of the abuser. And then that was it, what I was used to in relationships, what I thought I deserved etc.

This is trauma bonding... your first bf set the pattern and how your brain sees it as familiar/safe. Ask chat gpt about it or Google it/there's a section about it in why does he do that look in the index

Thanks for the hint I will check it out.
I read a lot of stuff about trauma bonding but don't really know what it is.
I totally agree about my first boyfriend setting the pattern. I was so young and naive and trusting - and he was such a psychopath. I wish I could go back in time and warn my younger self about him 😔

Yes, you can have EMDR on the NHS. They'll allow 20 sessions.

But you have to know it's available and ask specifically for it. Otherwise the go-to therapy is still CBT. You have a psychological evaluation first, and I told them I was prepared to wait longer if it meant accessing the therapy I needed.

I'd had a year's worth of this therapy on a private basis before (it's costly, unfortunately) so was able to tell them I knew this worked for me.

What EMDR does is to strip out the emotion from past traumas, enabling you to see the picture much more objectively. What it can't do is change the way your mind processes trauma. As a probably nearly lifelong cPTSD sufferer my mind has now become reprogrammed to 'block' out trauma, making it incredibly difficult for it to clear the circuits and enable me to process it properly. What happens then is it becomes stuck, and eventually manifests in the horrible symptoms of cPTSD. IMO, Freud knew exactly what he was talking about when he wrote 'Mourning and Melancholia'. It describes my experiences to a tee.

This means if you do become retraumatised you may then need extra therapy to address this. In this sense, you're never completely cured of conditions like PTSD/cPTSD.

But this does feel like the next best thing to me.

Thank you for the advice re EMDR I will request this tomorrow when the doctor's surgery opens. It is already in my medical notes about the injury my ex caused me so hope they take it seriously.