he "flipped"

[GiItABitMaerWelly]

Looking for a handhold here, I guess..
I am in shock by what happened when I stayed over at my boyfriend's.
We'd argued and he'd just said that he just wants to be friends with me. I was sat on the bed watching TV and sniffling a bit and he was sat on the futon, doomscrolling. It was a horrible atmosphere.
Eventually I said something along the lines of "Oh I wish I was just at home right now". Then he leapt up and just went totally berserk at me.

He started yelling "You wanna leave? Then get the FUCK outta my house, you fucking piece of SHIT! NOW! Right now!" And starts sort of clapping his hands in a really crazy way. And all the time he's saying "Motherfucker! Get the FUCK out!!!!! You fucking piece of shit!" For a split second I thought he was joking but he wasn't.
I have never seen anyone so angry in my life, it was absolutely terrifying.
He started grabbing all my clothes out of the wardrobe and stuffing them into my handbag and I was trying to get changed and also kind of keep out of his way because he was scaring me so much.

It was gone midnight and I didn't have anywhere to stay and he lives in a really rough area so I didn't want to be walking the streets till it was dawn.

Then he stopped yelling and started muttering about how he's an idiot for believing a relationship would work, that he's been done again, he looks at me and told me that I am a really dreadful human, a really horrible person. He kept saying it over and over "you know that? You are really horrible". And just looking at me with total disgust.

Eventually I kind of calmed him down and we went to sleep. Next day he said he'd got upset because I had hurt his feelings because he had brought me a cup of tea and a snack and I'd seemed ungrateful for this by saying I wanted to be at home.

It had all begun when I had said I didn't want to get married to him, he has been pushing this fantasy where we get married but he doesn't want me to tell anyone till we've done it. His other big idea is that we buy doer-upper in the countryside.

Then later on he started saying I have loads of problems, loads of baggage, that he should never have joined Bumble in the first place. He kept saying over and over that I have a lot of problems, too many problems in fact and he can't cope with my constant negativity. He finds solutions and I am just a big ball of negative energy.
Then that was when he said he wanted to help me but as a friend.

I had said I just want a boyfriend at this point in time and not marriage.

He knows I have been in abusive relationships in the past and has got really sulky when he has scared or triggered me because he is not like that. We parted on good terms but only after I had listed all my faults too because it was wasn't fair of me to just say how he had upset me and I was like perfect or something.

There is no coming back from this, is there?

Sorry to quote you again but I think the thing about him thinking he can do no wrong is really true. He is always the hard done by one or the one who was wronged etc

It shouldn't be like this - all this chaos.

He knows that it's 100 times harder to get away from abuse, or to stand up to him, once you've got a baby. Another bad sign to be on about this early.

@GiItABitMaerWelly

Slow fade won't work on an abuser and here's why:

They 'train' us to accept their abuse and potential abuse victims are hard to find and even harder to keep. It's a long, slow, insidious and sometimes expensive process. They view it as making an 'investment' and no one wants to lose their 'investment'. So once they have someone who appears to be responding to their 'training' they are loath to let them go and often go to great lengths to either entice or harass them back.

His 'mistake' was in letting his Mr Wonderful mask drop too soon. You weren't 'fully trained' yet so you clearly saw who he is. But he's not going to give up a potential 'partially trained' victim without a fight. So as long as you keep responding in any way, he'll keep on trying.

I'd suggest my old standby to end a relationship: "I've been giving it a lot of thought and I've decided that this relationship isn't working for me* so I am ending it. There is no need (or) I don't want to discuss this, my decision is final. I wish you nothing but happiness and hope you find your Ms Right, but I'm not her so please don't contact me again".

*other wording: "we don't want the same things" "we are not compatible"

@GiItABitMaerWelly pls watch this post
www.instagram.com/reel/DS8449LAvpz/?igsh=MWV5cjZlbzZkdW5ybA==

Just an opinion in this one but,

The thing is, I'm certain men know it's insulting to tell you they won't marry you but they want you to have their kids. That they know fine it's disrespectful.

Of course there's the exception if you say you don't want to get married. But if they're giving it 'i want babies' but without marriage or making out it's not ok for you to want marriage, they are losers. And in his case, abusive too.

I know a lot of women tolerate men wanting kids before marriage. But they are thinking with their broodiness and not their heads. Or making the excuse to themselves that a baby might make the man marry them.

Men who respect women don't -deliberately- have kids with them before marriage.
Harsh facts. If they're bringing up kids before weddings, they want a baby oven not a partner.

And this guy, wanted to baby trap you.

You are so right... I hate it... I should be happy not spending my time posting about him 😩 lessons learnt though about spotting red flags and stuff

Well that's the thing, there's always new red flags to learn about. All we can do is keep educating ourselves throughout life. And practice always trusting our gut. Which doesn't come natural if you've been in abusive relationships where you've become accustomed to ignoring it.

Study and practice.
And remembering never to be soft in our actions regarding getting away from them. We think if we are kind and compromising that that behaviour will be respected and reciprocated. But it actually makes them view us as easier targets. And they are mad af when they realise you are leaving, so the last thing you also want to be is an easy target.

If you're nice to a lion it'll still eat you.

I love this. Thanks for sharing.
I think that there is so much pressure when all your friends are all settled down to kind of settle and that is definitely what I was doing x

Yes totally there was lots of red flags in hindsight which I ignored or pushed down and tried to forget because I wanted this to work. I won't list them here as it would be identifying but I think more sensible or educated women would have finished things sooner.

He has already trained me in fact I said to him one time about how I did something he would have wanted me to do and said "I am like a well-trained dog or something" and he got a bit huffy but he didn't deny it. I have realised how much I have changed to impress him it is actually quite pathetic. Just stuff like how I dress, I go on my phone as little as possible when I am with him as he thinks it is rude but that means that I am always behind in being in touch with my friends as I am in various whatsapp grounds and such and when I am with him I don't message people because when I am with him I am supposed to be focused on him.

I really want to slow fade him but maybe this will not be possible I really don't want to make him mad though by rejecting him outright. He is very thin skin even though he has been horrible and rude to me @AcrossthePond55 and if I break it off he will get really angry I think.

@GiItABitMaerWelly don’t beat yourself up re more ‘educated and sensible’ women. Abuse happens across all spectrums. I do believe that attachment styles play a part. If you’re anxiously attached you will want to avoid conflict and feeling abandoned. It’s likely that a more securely attached person will leave at the first red flag. But it’s not about intelligence, wealth or success x

Nah I mean you hear stories even on here where doctors and lawyers are in abusive relationships. It has nothing to do with intelligence. Predators target and can con everyone.

I think the trick is spotting red flags early enough that they don't get enough time and proximity to you to get you under their spell.

Looking back now you can see lots of red flags. In future you'll hopefully recognise them fir what they are and run fast if you see them again. Or similar. Or even totally different red flags but you listen to your gut about that being what they are.

I'd pop into a police station and see what they say, couldn't harm for them to know you're planning on splitting with this guy and scared ge will flip. I don't know if there's any point running a claires law on him now that you're leaving him but I wouldn't be surprised if he has record for hurting women in the past.

Thank you x
I did feel really foolish posting because I feel that it is somehow my fault for choosing yet another bad apple but I think yeah my attachment style is all asqew from previous relationships and I need to take a break from dating / relationships and focus on trying to rebuild the friendships with family and friends as I can see how he really has been trying to isolate me for some time at this point. Hopefully they will forgive me if I explain a bit about what's been going on.

Absolutely get out and don't go back. I had an ex like this and left asap, best thing i ever did. Noone should treat you like that!! He will never change and if hes capable of flipping like that, who's to say he won't get violent in the future etc!! Look after yourself!!

@Sodthesystem thank you x
I think you are right I just need to listen to my gut feelings a bit more next time if there even is a next time!

I quite agree I would never treat someone like this he was very scary I did think that he was going to hit me and am almost surprised that he didn't because I have never seen anyone so angry before it is hard to put into words he looked like a cartoon or something it was just crazy how full of fury he was.
I think he would have been quite happy for me to be out on the streets if I hadn't calmed him down and I had left like he asked me to and it really is not a safe area at all, I have friends who won't go there during the daytime or only go with their husbands or boyfriends. So that kind of shows how little he actually cares about me if he was happy for me to be out in the middle of the night carrying a big bag of all my belongings.
I don't think he will change either he does not think he did anything wrong apart from maybe thinking be shouldn't have been so "grumpy" but it was obviously way more than just being grumpy and he only conceded he had overreacted after I had listed all the bad things I had done.

I reccommend to anyone that has been in, or currently are in an abusive relationship to read "out of darkness" by Tina Nash. I read this book many years ago, it is extremely sad, and a stark warning to anyone that finds themselves in these types of situations. I won't call them 'relationships'. The book is not for the feint hearted, and is a very hard read. I still have my copy on my bookshelf....not that i need the reminder.

Thank you @Peppermintpatty24 I will buy a copy x

He has told a few stories where I have thought he was in the wrong but he tells them like he is the hero / martyr / good guy.

Put this in your Little Book Of Red Flags. A man who doesn't have the capability to recognise when he is at fault is not a good partner.

The stories and hints he's told you about what he's supposedly done to exs may be true or may be bullshit to frighten you into not breaking up with him. Seems to sort of be working, doesn't it? It's keeping you within his 'sphere'.

I'm assuming by 'slow fade' you mean not returning every call or text, being busy if he wants to see you, avoiding being where he might be. The thing about that is that it may set him on edge and wind him up just as much as a straight out "We're done".

I'd suggest you speak to Women's Aid and your local police. Where I am (US) they have specific 'Community Service Officers' whose job it is to speak to people who simply want to ask questions or want advice. At any rate, explain things to them just how you've explained to us. Ask their advice. See if they can run him through whatever systems and tell you whether or not you have reason to be worried. Ask them how they can protect you and how you can protect yourself.

First things first (and this has probably been asked & answered) get a Ring doorbell.

This!!

@GiItABitMaerWelly

Seriously, please listen to all that are saying NOT to slow fade him.

The best way to break free from his training is by breaking free from his training!

Otherwise he just headfucks you for months, and months longer!

Find your anger, find your power. Don’t turn this in and attack yourself, that only works in his favour. I’m sure there are practical measures you can put in place to protect yourself, help you gather evidence against him should he do anything, etc.. Prepare then rip off the bandaid and ride out the storm.

Also this.