Partner wants me to sleep with other men…

[AnOddOne]

I’ve nc for this.

Has anyone else had experience of this? I’ve expressed no interest in sleeping around and I’m perfectly happy with my partner. We’ve been together for nearly twenty years (I’m mid-fifties, he’s early 60s) and have a regular, fun and interesting sex life. He has ED which we’ve worked through together (with the help of Viagra) so that isn’t an issue and at no point have I said it is one. I’m post-menopause and while I’m confident in my skin and still enjoy sex I really have no urge to get involved with anyone new.

Increasingly regularly, he’s suggested I can sleep with other men ‘if I want’. He says he gets off on the idea. A threesome would make more sense to me (although it isn’t something we’ve done) but I just don’t understand why he’d want me to go off and do that. However hard I try to think about it rationally I can’t come up with anything because it isn’t rational. Like a lot of women, I couldn’t shag someone without becoming close to them.

Does anyone have any insight into why he’s suggesting this? I’ve asked if it’s because he wants to do the same but he says he has no interest in that and he just wants me to ‘enjoy myself’. But I do, with him! Everything else about our relationship is lovely, more so I suspect because we don’t live together and only see each other a couple of days a week.

When he makes these suggestions it makes me feel as though he thinks our most intimate times are unimportant. When I’ve put this to him he says I’m being silly and it doesn’t mean that at all.

Any insights? I really don’t want to ‘LTB’ because everything else about our relationship is great.

I have read a lot in this thread alone how "common" it is or how it's in the list of "top" fantasies.. And I don't know, everyone just throws that around like it's a fact. It is an existing niche, I can get behind that, acknowledge its existence, but I just can't see it being so widespread as some people make it out to be.

I think in practice, this would lead to sex within minutes. In reality, couples indulge in this behaviour to fulfill a sexual fantasy, a need or even a necessity. Sex and penetration is a major part of it.

The man who sees to my wife comes all the way from southeast England. I don't he'd travel that far for a simple sensual massage.

Morning! It’s not actually one of
my fantasies but I don’t find it unhot so..

I think for the men who are into it, they get off in the idea that their partner is having fun, and ( for some ) genuinely feel good for facilitating that..

They then get excited when she comes back and shares the details. It makes him feel involved even though he wasn’t there.

For some men, there’s a humiliation aspect. Either they get off on the idea that they can’t satisfy their partner so someone else has to do it ( ie cuckold ) or they get off on her humiliation at being made to do something she’s unwilling to do ( dom/sub )

Like I say, not my cup of tea but each to their own!

I agree with this. Either that or I just attract men who are as sexually “boring ” as me by luck. 😂

Why on earth do they congregate here. 🙄

Jesus wept.

I see some of the delusional men have escaped the Sex board

Yeah I’d like to know as well. I’ve had various boyfriends, and then two long term husbands. Neither have ever wanted that, or would have been happy with it. 🤷‍♀️

I get that sexual fantasies can be good , but usually they are just that - harmless fantasies. No one actually wants to do them in real life. 🤷‍♀️

.

I should have added - if this isn’t your thang, you really shouldn’t feel compelled to say yes - the whole point about exploring sexual fantasies together is that they have to work for both parties.

Consent is key, obvs…

Hope you’re ok

Just to offer a different perspective OP, I understand it’s not an uncommon fantasy for men. It’s a huge generalisation but men tend to be very visual, and some men enjoy seeing their partner having sex with someone else.

And if you ask, why now after a long relationship? Maybe his taking the viagra after a period of ED has triggered him to want to explore different sexual experiences.

The fact he’s suggested it doesn’t have to be a problem if it doesn’t upset you that it’s a suggestion. What would be a problem is if you felt pressured by him to do it to when you don’t want to. And of course if you don’t want you shouldn’t.

Can we please stop saying things like "not an uncommon fantasy for men"? That's the generalisation, not us being visual.

I find it interesting to read those who have hotwife & swinging kinks dress it up by using the expressions 'playing' & 'having fun'

It's as if this makes it more acceptable. By all accounts they are simply in open marriages where there are few bounderies & sexually anything goes. Each to their own I suppose.

Hope you’re ok

I’m fine, thank you for asking @Whatsappweirdo. I arrived back yesterday from my partner’s house then got straight into a busy day (as I am again now). I’ll have a read through later. I really do appreciate everyone’s insights so much.

There are probably more people who fantasise about it than actually do it. Most people wouldn't want it in real life. That's the appeal of fantasies. They're not real, they're safe, you come out of them whenever you like and absolutely no harm done.

That is food for thought @ThatCyanCat , thank you. I think I am just super simple on that front, like a caveman, I guess. To me, I fantasise about things I actually want, and would love to make them real... And often do make them reality. Mind you, maybe that's why anything I fantasise about it not really divisive, I think.. But yeah, definitely an interesting point.

I find it telling that those who have boring and limited relationships dress them up by using the expressions ‘monogamy’ and ‘serious’ If it’s as if that makes it more tolerable . By all accounts they are simply restricted marriages where they are sexually unsatisfied. Each to their own I suppose. Sniff.

I mean, by all means be judgemental and intolerant. (I do NOT think this about monogamy, of course. I’m sure there all kinds of lovely people who are into it, and plenty of shitty ones, too. It doesn’t define them or make them bad people. And there’s no reason for me to care or be dismissive, or have any authority over accepting it or not. Whyever would I need ‘accept’ another persons relationship anyway? But this sort of attitude stinks whoever you apply it to. It’s nothing to do with the value and everything to do with trying to make out you are better than others)

With respect to your opinion which I'm also entitled to, saying a monogamous marriage means people are sexually unsatisfied is nonsense. FWIW my post wasn't judgemental or intolerent of those who find satisfaction in swinging or being a hotwife. Personally it wouldn't be for me.

Typo, intolerant which I'm definitely not. I was simply adding the fact I can understand why the OP is not happy with her partners request & giving my own personal thoughts on the lifestyle

I don't think I follow this. "Monogamous" isn't a term to "dress up" anything; it's just the word for a relationship where two people have only each other as partners. And it satisfies plenty of people just fine.

Exactly. Just as its nonsense to say that 'sexually anything goes' or that people have 'no bounderies' and dismissing all as open marriages, which is ignorant as well. Of course they have boundaries. They're just different to yours. Yours are in no way superior. And when people make themselves out to be superior, the way you did and I parodied (because I DO NOT think any of those things) it does't feel very nice, does it?

Your post was judgemental and intolerant. That is VERY different to saying it's not for you. You can't just add 'I'm not judging' when you clearly are, and get off scot free. You're entiteld to your personal thoughts. But if you publicly air them, don't expect not to be called out.

I was parodying the words and tone to make the point that it's an unpleasant way to speak about people who are different to you. Both sentiments are judgemental and derogate the other. Neither is valid and neither is 'just an opinion'. 'My personal thoughts' don't include commenting the acceptability (or not), dismissive language, or derogation of language used by the 'other' party. Adding 'I'm not judging' doesn't excuse or remove the judgement. I don't give a fig what any one else does in a relationship, so long as there is no abuse of power. And I am unlikely ever to have one (plus or minus any of the kinks) for various reasons entirely related to patriarchy. But I don't go around devaluing them or implying they are inferior the way the post I quoted did. That's my point.

That's a little patronising to those of us in monogamous relationships with excellent sex lives.
You don't have to fuck other people than your partner to have a thoroughly enjoyable and varied sex life you know and if you need that then maybe you're doing it wrong. 🤷🏻‍♀️
Surely it's each to their own.

It was a parody of another poster with the opposite view, but comparable phrasing. It was an intentionally judgemental and intolerant way of phrasing it to prove the point. I don’t believe those things at all, they’re judgemental and ignorant things to say. But even if I did, I wouldn’t say so. And if pressed, I’d be kinder. And if I was unintentionally ignorant or unkind, and was called out, I’d apologise for the impact and seek to understand better or leave it at the apology. Unlike yourself, I don’t need to tell other people they’re doing it wrong to feel confident I’m doing it right for me. I can assure you, I’m in an excellent position to compare and I’m good! 😂. And I’m very happy for anyone who’s found what works for them. I’d just like people to return that tolerance. There may be people reading who feel judged and not able to voice it, or people who seek to understand and have something to learn from one another. I’d like them to have a voice.

The way people feel compelled to defend a choice I have been clear I’m not coming for, doesn’t need validation anyway, is the social norm, where I’ve been clear was not only ‘not a judgement’, but also JUST an illustrative point airing a view I don’t actually hold, absolutely highlights that adding ‘I’m entitled to my opinion ‘ ‘just my personal views’ or ‘I’m not judging’ doesn’t actually reduce the impact of a dismissive, derogatory and judgemental language and tone. And that it likely was meant to taken so. Folk just don’t want to SEEN to be judgemental. Even when they did mean to be judgemental, but thought everyone would agree and no one would call it out and make them look bad. I’ve been there accidentally, too. It’s uncomfortable. We ALL hold unconscious prejudice.

OK I'll admit it. The very idea of watching my husband have sex with another woman turns my stomach & vice versa. Does that mean I'm judgemental or intolerant of people who have no issues with it. The answer is no. I'm actually very broad minded in that respect but I prefer to keep my sex life private where no others are involved. Is that so unacceptable to those of a different opinion 🤔