Partner wants me to sleep with other men…

[AnOddOne]

I’ve nc for this.

Has anyone else had experience of this? I’ve expressed no interest in sleeping around and I’m perfectly happy with my partner. We’ve been together for nearly twenty years (I’m mid-fifties, he’s early 60s) and have a regular, fun and interesting sex life. He has ED which we’ve worked through together (with the help of Viagra) so that isn’t an issue and at no point have I said it is one. I’m post-menopause and while I’m confident in my skin and still enjoy sex I really have no urge to get involved with anyone new.

Increasingly regularly, he’s suggested I can sleep with other men ‘if I want’. He says he gets off on the idea. A threesome would make more sense to me (although it isn’t something we’ve done) but I just don’t understand why he’d want me to go off and do that. However hard I try to think about it rationally I can’t come up with anything because it isn’t rational. Like a lot of women, I couldn’t shag someone without becoming close to them.

Does anyone have any insight into why he’s suggesting this? I’ve asked if it’s because he wants to do the same but he says he has no interest in that and he just wants me to ‘enjoy myself’. But I do, with him! Everything else about our relationship is lovely, more so I suspect because we don’t live together and only see each other a couple of days a week.

When he makes these suggestions it makes me feel as though he thinks our most intimate times are unimportant. When I’ve put this to him he says I’m being silly and it doesn’t mean that at all.

Any insights? I really don’t want to ‘LTB’ because everything else about our relationship is great.

Run fast and far. He wants to do things sexually using your body as his proxy body. He'll be bugging you about it, then about telling him all the details and he won't take no for an answer.

I’d like to be clear that this won’t be happening. I’m my own mistress and will not be pushed into anything. At my age ffs! I just need insights into why he’s started this grim behaviour as I know for sure it’s not for my benefit.

If you are sure it’s a no you need to make this crystal clear , no “maybes” or ill” think about it

also id not ruminate on it too much I don’t think it’s all that deep , he gets off on it and asked , you say no . I wouldn’t navel gaze too much about why he wants this he’s just a hornbag

Now this was one of my thoughts. Has he cheated on you so is giving you the chance to do the same? Either that or as a pp said he'd use it to throw in your face at every opportunity. Weirdly the not wanting to watch is what's making me think those things, because usually that's what is what happens in that situation.

You could say you’re not open to that but ask him more about why he finds it a turn on and see if there’s something different that meets that feeling for him but respects your boundaries too

I’ve asked him every time has mentioned it but he just says he wants me to enjoy myself because I’m hot and young looking (I’m not and who cares?). If I bring it up again I’ll get the same reply, or the offer of a threesome with his mate. I do wonder if he’s wanting to experiment with men.

It’s as fairly standard sexual desire , not everyone asks for it but it’s not too out their

nipple clamps, extreme bondage , feathers any thing small and illegal substances is more concerning

Others have said it already, but this really sounds like a case of someone who's watched too much porn and is allowing it to seep into his real life. Gross.

Don’t do it. It’s called a cuckold fantasy. It will end in disaster.

We are no strangers to a lot of the ‘extreme’ stuff @pimplebum. We do it together though and not with anyone else. Or so I thought until this evening - now I’m not so sure.

Nay, nay, and thrice nay.

What a despicable man, to try and coerce you into sexual activity with other people when you don't want to, just so he can live out his pathetic fantasy. He has no respect for you or your morals whatsoever. He's a dirty old man. Yuk.

Tell him to fuck right off.

Bet he wouldn't be so keen if you wanted to see him enjoy himself with a man.

It is very odd to only just come to light after 20 years.

it will definately be linked to porn use.

As some said, man here: Some people enjoy the thought of this (weird but some do), but i am also thinking, he expressed interest in men so maybe this is his way of leading you to accepting bringing other men into your bedroom.

Good luck and as ever, always choose what you are comfy with and not what someone else wants

bet he would like that - he likes men as stated

I'd remain curious and non judgemental (outwardly) and see if you can get him to open up about the reason, to work out what's going on.

Ultimately, you're not interested, so the offer doesn't need to be repeated. He definitely shouldn't be labouring it, either this or the threesome, unless you'd been open to investigating it.

I'd be too nosy not to wonder where it was coming from to shut it down though...I'd have to have a dig first.

‘He's a dirty old man’

Indeed. It’s the suddenness of it that’s shocked me as much as the change of nature.

Oh missed that bit.

My DH and I have an open ish relationship and we both enjoy some things along these lines - it's just a bit of fun with likeminded people, nobody gets feelings involved. It doesn't mean we don't love or fancy each other, it's just a fun thing on the side. BUT we only ever do anything either separately or together if we are both up for it. You are not. So he needs to STFU and put the idea away sharpish. You don't need to question his feelings for you because this is something he would like - but I would question his respect for you that he keeps bringing it up. No means no - remind him of that.

I have this set up with my husband. First mentioned 11 years ago, and I was very against it. Over time I guess I started to think of it from his perspective, and tried it. It works for us - everyone’s happy with the arrangement.

It’s a fetish, and far more common than I think many people would ever realise. People that are into it don’t tend to broadcast it, it’s not the norm. And a lot of people judge. He gets off on it, I’ve met a couple of great people and had some great sex. I don’t meet just anyone, there must be a connection. But in turn, our own sex life has improved massively. We’re aware we both have our own ‘issues’, he’s embarrassed of his kink, I’m lacking self confidence and getting that interest and passion from other men makes me feel fantastic.

It’s certainly not for everyone, but it happens and I don’t feel it’s something anyone should be ashamed of. It’s nobody else’s business what goes on within individual relationships.

In the OP’s situation, it’s clearly not for her, and that’s okay. But if the thought is in his head and it’s something he clearly is quite persistent with wanting - you’ll need to have a serious think about the future. I personally wouldn’t think less of him as a person, but maybe he just isn’t ’your person’.

I have obviously name changed for this post!

@Thesuperlativesistillloveyou
…he wouldn't be so keen if you wanted to see him enjoy himself with a man.

Now I’ve thought about it some more I’m not so sure. Except the part I really don’t understand is him not wanting to watch. He just seems to want to know I had a good time. Now I’m thinking it’s something he could have already done and he’s wanting to even things up.

A serious chat will be had this weekend. Face-to-face is always better for these things I find.

Feathers and anything small? The mind boggles

It's just a fetish, nothing more than that. He gets off on the idea of you having sex with someone else and presumably hearing about it afterwards. Ask him if you can have a look at his porn use history and see what he's been watching.

My friends partner is into the same thing. He said he likes the fact that she is wanted by other men and then he kind of has to ‘win her back’. It works for the at least but sounds like you’re not into it!

Sounds like a precursor to him wanting to sleep with other women… or men.

I personally wouldn’t think less of him as a person, but maybe he just isn’t ’your person’.

He definitely is my person. We’ve been extremely happy for nearly twenty years. I want him to be happy and I love a bit of adventure but this is so out of character especially as I’ve said I’ve no interest in doing anything like this without him. Maybe be it’s his persistence that’s really pissing me off.

.Sounds like a precursor to him wanting to sleep with other women… or men.

I think you could be right. Or maybe he already has.