Partner wants me to sleep with other men…

[AnOddOne]

I’ve nc for this.

Has anyone else had experience of this? I’ve expressed no interest in sleeping around and I’m perfectly happy with my partner. We’ve been together for nearly twenty years (I’m mid-fifties, he’s early 60s) and have a regular, fun and interesting sex life. He has ED which we’ve worked through together (with the help of Viagra) so that isn’t an issue and at no point have I said it is one. I’m post-menopause and while I’m confident in my skin and still enjoy sex I really have no urge to get involved with anyone new.

Increasingly regularly, he’s suggested I can sleep with other men ‘if I want’. He says he gets off on the idea. A threesome would make more sense to me (although it isn’t something we’ve done) but I just don’t understand why he’d want me to go off and do that. However hard I try to think about it rationally I can’t come up with anything because it isn’t rational. Like a lot of women, I couldn’t shag someone without becoming close to them.

Does anyone have any insight into why he’s suggesting this? I’ve asked if it’s because he wants to do the same but he says he has no interest in that and he just wants me to ‘enjoy myself’. But I do, with him! Everything else about our relationship is lovely, more so I suspect because we don’t live together and only see each other a couple of days a week.

When he makes these suggestions it makes me feel as though he thinks our most intimate times are unimportant. When I’ve put this to him he says I’m being silly and it doesn’t mean that at all.

Any insights? I really don’t want to ‘LTB’ because everything else about our relationship is great.

Yeah I wouldn’t feel comfortable.

So there’s this push by some to be ok with everyone’s kink but I’m not.

If I find out a guy likes dressing up in women’s clothes or nappies or wants me to sleep with other men for example - I’m gone. Especially if he pushes it on me when I repeatedly say no.

They may see me as boring and unadventurous and I would see them as sexually deviant and/or a bit unpredictable and wonder what was coming next?

We would both be entitled to our views, but personally I would no longer feel safe or trust them. Not saying they’re a bad person but I would just find it all very murky and want out.

And tbf they probably wouldn’t want to stay with someone who was grossed out by their kinks.

This analysis shows real insight. V good

I have no insight, but when people say "common" kink, it kind of makes me wonder - surely it cannot be that common. A common kink I would think would be something a tad more tame, I don't know, dressing up or a being blindfolded... Surely wanting your own spouse to have sex with others cannot be THAT common. Again, no insight here, I just don't want to believe that... (And just because you - who reads this - is personally into it, will not make it common. I dunno, just because I put raw cacao and chia seeds into my porridge will not automatically make it the common way people eat it.)

I always had an issue with the term 'hotwife'. Like, I am sorry, that is not really descriptive of what it is about, is it? I think I have a hot wife. I do. But I would rather chop my own arm and dick off than have anyone else be intimate with her (man or woman).

I think the term ‘hot wife’ refers less to how hot to wife is, and more relates to the term ‘hot desk’ where the desk is set for multiple users and does not just belong to just one owner. Grim when you think about it isn’t it.

Yes, which itself comes from the term hot bunking/racking, where people on opposing shifts share bunks (particularly on submarines)

lol no that's not the etymology of the phrase hotwife within swinging communities!

Now I know the connotations of 'hotWifing' it sounds even worse! Like hot-desking.

I hope your weekend is going ok, OP.

I would hope not, I assumed it meant I have a hot wife and I'm allowing my hot wife to have sex with others (assuming she wants to)?

Neither sounds too much fun (and both sound like you are lending out a library book, not a human person) but I can see how someone would get a thrill out of other men being interested in their woman.

Choosing a woman other men will like is practically the whole basis of dating, and why men always prefer beauty and slimness over other qualities.

What about uglywifing? I mean, men aren't known for being discerning. Hothusbanding? Do women call it that if they lend out their man?

Seriously though, it's a weird term whatever way you look at it. I'm sure many of the women engaging in it aren't stereotypically 'hot', simply quite ordinary (not an insult) and it's not exactly wifely behaviour... But I suppose that's a tangent.

I think whichever way you cut it it’s about objectifying the woman / wife. Even if you accept the most generous definition, that it’s about her pleasure, the gratification is ultimately being pursued for the husband. Any pleasure derived from the experience as far as the woman is concerned is a by-product & that means the power balance is all wrong. The more I think about it the more I think it is not a good thing for the woman. Unless someone who genuinely enjoys it & feels empowered by it can tell me otherwise?

Toxic f***.

He wants an excuse to f* someone else, that's all it is.

Do you not have any hobbies or interests outside the bedroom, that are enjoyable and fun and a bonding exercise that doesn't threaten your relationship? If not find one, he's clearly suffering a midlife crisis.

That's if you can be bothered with him, you might not feel like bonding with him when his feelings for you are so clearly below what you should be able to expect from your husband.

Hmm, that's actually worth thinking about, what @FancyLilacHare brought up - In terms of being bothered with him after all this. Now that I think about it, when your partner brings up a potential kink and you say no, that's one thing...but this specific thing is something that would alter how I look at the person.. Say, if my wife asked if I wanted to try something in the bedroom that I have no interest in, that's fine... but if it would be about her wanting to have sex with other men, or wanting me to have sex with other women, it would shatter how I view her, probably...

Can you not talk about this with him? Maybe play some fantasy games where there is a scenario of you playing the unfaithful wife. You don't need to actually do it just act as if you did.and tell him about it( as in make up a story). This is just a suggestion but there are ways of meeting him halfway rather than dismissing completely what he has opened up to you about

He has asked for something which is obviously important to him and you have just dismissed it, said you are not interested and judged him for it. You say you should be enough and you probably have been for 20 years but people look for ways to renew desire after 20 years together as it is hard to maintain.

This is not to say you need to do anything you don't want to but you could also listen without jumping to conclusions first and try to see if there is a way to meet his request without crossing your red lines.

It may not but possible but it doesn't seem like you have tried to find much of a solution. You have jmade his request about you, as much as he is making it about him. Neither is wrong exactly, just not very helpful when you are trying to find a way forward for 'us'

In the end, you both need to decide how much to compromise here ( him as well) and that will be tied in to how much both of you value your 'us'

Yes, 'hot husband' is a tongue in cheek thing in swinging too, but it's less common as a) women are less likely to have this kink than men and b) women find it much easier to find men to sleep with than vice versa and are more likely to go for unattached men, even in the swinging scene.
Obviously the women don't have to be objectively 'hot' to enjoy this dynamic and to attract interest. That's not really the meaning of the expression.

Please don't infantilise women who do this. Women on the swinging scene are generally voracious, confident and in charge. You may not get it but don't assume women are being coerced into doing things they don't want to do.

Thank you for explaining it so clearly.

As an aside I would actually know the reasons why someone becomes sub in the first place 😂

I can't answer that one! That's a whole level of psychology that I am not qualified to explain!!

What is important is that you do not do what you are not comfortable with, whatever his behaviour is called and whether or not it is common.

Having said this, there are two main ways of increasing the chances you will pass on your genes: one is to prevent others from having access to your mate (jealousy aka defensive adaptations) and the other, less prevalent, is to coopt your arousal. (more https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sperm_competition )

The first is prevalent but potentially dangerous and time consuming. From a male standpoint, you might get into a fight, you might get injured, you might even lose your life in the fight.

Our social norms tend to favour this approach because long term couplings seem to be more desirable for a stable society.

However, because of the risks, some males eschew that approach and evolved in such a way that the sight of their potential mate having intercourse soon after
"One evolutionary response to sperm competition is the variety in penis morphology of many species.[44][45] For example, the shape of the human penis may have been selectively shaped by sperm competition.[46] The human penis may have been selected to displace seminal fluids implanted in the female reproductive tract by a rival male.[46] "

Everyone else's speculations may also be true in this particular case. He may use it as an excuse to see other people, he may be trying to compensate for ED or some combination of the above. To repeat, do not do what you don't feel comfortable with.

I did not mean to call you a liar, and I apologise for implying it. I think it’s likely you were you were lied TO. As you say, I’ve no idea what happened and the way you were shamed by a supposedly non judgemental party was horrible and unacceptable. You are the wronged party here and either his therapist was a shit or he was. (Or both). I’m really sorry it happened. NO ONE should ever be pressed or shamed towards anything they are even remotely ambivalent about. I can’t say it enough. And it should go without saying.

Validating a kink should never involve invalidating anyone who doesn’t share it or pressuring them to. That’s not kink positive. That’s abusive. And that’s not why I suggested the OP or her husband might benefit from therapy. To explore where it’s come from and why it’s an issue between them like any other issue. NOT to allow him to pressure her to try it, or even to include it in any form. She’s said no, and far as actions go, that should enough. But it’s still an issue - she deserves support with refusing and with the doubts it’s raised for her about what’s behind it and what it means for them. And he needs telling that no means no. And it’s not ok to pressure her. A therapist should support that. Any therapist should be promoting explicit consent and a kink positive one even more so.

It is SO common for men to use sex as a form of coping. And men have been conditioned to expect women to take care of their mental health and accommodate them sexually as default. It’s shouldn’t be a partners job to figure that out for them and it’s highly unlikely that he has the skills or insight to himself. A therapist will help him explore his feelings, and help her either accept it as part of him WITHOUT PARTICIPATING (because it IS part of him. It’s not going away. Even if he never mentions it again, it’s still there) or decide she can’t accept it. Both are valid choices and neither should be shamed. And that’s independent of her refusal to participate.

This is a massive turn on for many men however the cold reality is rather different. Actually watching another men insert his penis into your wife of 25 years can be both upsetting and distressing for all .
However there is a half way house “ Erotic sensual massage “ this can be achieved by allowing and watching your wife receive a naked erotic massage with intimate touch having massaged several women in front of there husbands everyone naked and fully aroused but with very strict boundaries normally no penis vagina penatration , this relaxes everyone and afterwards there is no regrets as is only a senual massage , trust me this is extremely erotic when done properly with a massage table and wonderful oils , have fun !

God. Is it that yoni guy back again? Blast from the past...

Will there be whale music?

How is an erotic massage half-way, though? Technically speaking, in both cases you have a third person touching the wife in an intimate way....

Yes of course you have a third person, but without penetration which is a huge difference kind of like a soft swing for those wishing to experiment which I appreciate is not for everyone but is probably a top 3 fantasy for many men and some women