Partner wants me to sleep with other men…

[AnOddOne]

I’ve nc for this.

Has anyone else had experience of this? I’ve expressed no interest in sleeping around and I’m perfectly happy with my partner. We’ve been together for nearly twenty years (I’m mid-fifties, he’s early 60s) and have a regular, fun and interesting sex life. He has ED which we’ve worked through together (with the help of Viagra) so that isn’t an issue and at no point have I said it is one. I’m post-menopause and while I’m confident in my skin and still enjoy sex I really have no urge to get involved with anyone new.

Increasingly regularly, he’s suggested I can sleep with other men ‘if I want’. He says he gets off on the idea. A threesome would make more sense to me (although it isn’t something we’ve done) but I just don’t understand why he’d want me to go off and do that. However hard I try to think about it rationally I can’t come up with anything because it isn’t rational. Like a lot of women, I couldn’t shag someone without becoming close to them.

Does anyone have any insight into why he’s suggesting this? I’ve asked if it’s because he wants to do the same but he says he has no interest in that and he just wants me to ‘enjoy myself’. But I do, with him! Everything else about our relationship is lovely, more so I suspect because we don’t live together and only see each other a couple of days a week.

When he makes these suggestions it makes me feel as though he thinks our most intimate times are unimportant. When I’ve put this to him he says I’m being silly and it doesn’t mean that at all.

Any insights? I really don’t want to ‘LTB’ because everything else about our relationship is great.

Sorry @OtterlyAstounding!

My version of this had you coming back to the house, unable to sit down comfortably without shifting about, looking wistfully out the window, sighing a lot, refusing sex as you're not in the mood, allowing an enigmatic smile to play on your lips as you appear deep in thought, refusing to discuss what happened beyond confirming that you are getting round two set up with Mr Lovalova and asking DP to go home early as you're tired and want a quiet night in. Then keeping my WhatsApp active til 2am. 😈

Magnificent, @HomeTheatreSystem.

There could be some fun to be had out of this.

Trust me that was my tame version!

That is NOT what I said! No one should do ANYTHING they don’t want to. Full stop.

I said to explore what’s behind it for him, why it’s only recently come to light and if there are other ways that need could be met. And to unpack why it goes deeper for her and what’s behind that. Both reasons are likely to be reflections of something else entirely non sexual. This is putting a 20 year relationship on the brink. Surely that merits investigation?

Kink-positive does NOT mean pushing kink. It just means not going ‘EW! LTB!’ and looking deeper. Most kinks have a lot of completely logical non-kink reasons behind them. They shouldn’t be looked at in isolation from the relationship and don’t come out of nowhere (as the poster feels already and wisely isn’t)

To be crystal clear when I say explore, I do NOT mean explore sleeping with other men. (And that is so self evident in ANY kink-friendly space that that would never be confused or suggested. Kinsters of any description are ALL about consent. Always. Boundary pushing is just not ok. Yes, you get the odd slimeball or newbie. But they stick out a mile and are put firmly their place if they fail to fall into line)

I mean explore all the questions that have been raised. Where does this come from, why has it come out now, how she feels part of him is separate from the relationship and hidden from her. And she DOES want to explore those, because she’s raised them here. That might lead a different sexual practice everyone is comfortable with. But it’s MUCH more likely to lead to changes in the wider relationship and be nothing to do with sex at all. Or to understanding where this has come from and deciding the relationship isn’t for her. Sex, and kink especially, is a canary in the coal mine. It’s never just about the kink. It goes much deeper into the individual’s psychology and relationship dynamics.

Only read your first post but instantly can tell its porn . Its always porn with rank old men .

He didn’t. He either lied to them, lied to you (most likely both) or went to a misogynistic therapist who should be struck off. All of which are awful things to do and I’m sorry he did.

No therapist would say that. And no kink positive therapist would shame either party’s desires like that, or they aren’t, by definition, kink positive. Kink positive does not mean ‘pushes kink’ or ‘pro kink’ and definite not ‘demeans norms’ It just means kink isn’t framed as inherently wrong or shameful in itself. Boundaries and consent ALWAYS come first. Always. They generally go without saying. Any sort of kink or swinging space is SO MUCH more respectful than the norm and refuses to be leveraged to condone abuse.

Gross. Pelicot bloke springs to mind..the foundation of his twisted fetish.. extreme but also turned out not as extreme as you'd expect according to the many many men who got involved

@Eaglemom - I am afraid to google that...

You don't need a kink positive therapist to explore that. All it takes is an honest conversation on his part.

The OP is trying to engage, and he's brushing her off. If anything, perhaps he could go to therapy to gain the ability to talk honestly – but she doesn't need to, and if she does, I imagine it's most likely to result in her feeling obligated to validate his feelings.

Ultimately, given it's a new obsession on his part, I think @Starlight7080 and other who have said similar are right – it's probably as simple as him getting obsessed with that kind of porn.

@Notgoingononlyfansyet
Any sort of kink or swinging space is SO MUCH more respectful than the norm and refuses to be leveraged to condone abuse.

This is categorically untrue. Those spaces are just as likely (if not more) to attract creeps and predators, and given the dynamics of violent sex, or psychological abuse during sex, etc, as part of people's kinks, it's very easy for abuse and predatory behaviour to fly under the radar.
Over the years, I've heard so many women talk about predators in kink spaces that they need to warn newcomers about, quietly and subtly, but who has never been ejected or pulled up on his behaviour.
Kink spaces aren't some enlightened utopia.

It's a hugely common kink. Cuckolding. And to be fair, a lot of women enjoy the opportunity to have sex with a range of men with this partner's full consent and enjoyment - it's in no way inherently wrong if everyone involved is in to it.

BUT, if you don't want to do it you don't want to do it and that is that. He was wrong to raise it more than once if you told him clearly the first time you had no interest and didn't wish to discuss it.

However, given all the questions you are asking yourself about it, would it be a good idea to sit him down and ask him to explain what he likes about this idea, how it makes him feel, how long has he felt like this, is there anything else that appeals to him that might be more palatable to you, etc?

For example, would you be prepared to try out indulging his fantasy by talking about shagging other men during sex? Obviously don't even consider doing this unless you are fully comfortable doing it - I am just suggesting a possible safe way to explore it as a concept (not suggesting it should lead to actually doing it), IF you wanted to.

If he feels strongly enough about this, and can't be happy in a relationship where this doesn't feature, then I suppose he is free to move on and find a woman who does want to do this.

But hopefully it's not that big a thing for him.

My real life, in person, recent, firsthand experience directly and explicitly contradicts that historical hearsay. People can, and should, judge for themselves. When you've been to any, you can share your experiences about how enlightened they are. Until then, do you think perhaps you ought to let people who have that experience be the ones sharing it?

No. I think you shouldn't tout the unrealistic, wholly biased fantasy that the community is some utopia where nothing predatory happens. It's bizarre and ridiculous for you to claim that bdsm and kink communities are somehow abuse-free spaces. No one is saying they're rife with it, but they are certainly not free from it.

An article about how bdsm isn't immune to abuse.

Another interesting blog post

The comments on this reddit post are informative.

Discussion of rape and abuse in the kink community

Are you OK? That's quite an irrational set of responses. I don't think anyone else is getting the extreme message you are, here.

If you're responding to me, my only messages are that: suggesting OP go to a kink-positive therapist is dreadful advice (something OP agrees with herself), and also that it's misleading for you to say that the kink and bdsm community are "SO MUCH more respectful than the norm and refuses to be leveraged to condone abuse."

Nothing extreme or irrational at all!

Christ almighty. I'd rather stop at home with a good book and a box of peanut brittle.

I finished with a man for trying to push me to do things. He said it didn't matter, but I knew it would and things would never be the same ever again.

You have absolutely no idea what happened, so I'll thank you not to call me a liar.

Can you explain why? What as a man are you getting from it?

Again, no, this is not a rape fetish and being into this kink is not remotely comparable to being a rapist. Please don't say things like this, it's ignorant and minimising of the actual horror of rape.

Men like this? I wouldn't leave.my drink unattended around them.

I'm not a man but I'm peripheral to and occasionally in kink/swinging spaces so I'll try.
There is an element of submissiveness about it. Some people enjoy being dominated by a partner and find it a turn on. For submissive men this often includes a level of humiliation. Having your partner go and shag another man, especially a hotter, younger, better endowed one fit with that fetish. I wouldn't bother asking why some people like to be submissive because that's a separate question.
there is also the aspect of reflected glory. A man with a hot wife/partner is viewed as lucky and there is prestige in other men wanting her. There is kudos in the swinging scene of 'sharing' your hot partner but then having them back after/getting to keep them for yourself when the 'play' is over.
There is also shared pleasure. When a couple is comfortable with swinging/group sex they have to enjoy watching or hearing about their partner having fun with others, it's part of the experience. So extending that to activities when the partner isn't there is just an extension of that.

Basically, for kinky/swinging people it's a pretty harmless and run of the mill fantasy. It doesn't imply a lack of respect or boredom within the primary relationship. But to a monogamous person it is completely outlandish, which is fair enough! The OP's partner's horrible stupid mistake is assuming he can talk her into sharing his kink, and that's ridiculous. Continuing to try to persuade her is veering into coercive and abusive behaviour.

Sorry but WTF is wrong with him !!!!
You don’t want to , end of story, there’s nothing really else to say 🤷🏻‍♀️.
The thing is you have expressed your feelings on this , yet he persists with it .
That’s what would bother me the most ..

I think the word for this is "hot wifing" . he wants you to be the hot wife...desired by men. Having sex with other men. It's his kink.

You will probably have to turn him down a number of times, till he finally gets it 🤣

Yes , this is just it , it’s fine if you’re into it , different strokes & all that 🤷🏻‍♀️.
It’s the fact OP has told him she has no interest in sleeping with others , he won’t leave it go so he’s being a dick .