Partner wants me to sleep with other men…

[AnOddOne]

I’ve nc for this.

Has anyone else had experience of this? I’ve expressed no interest in sleeping around and I’m perfectly happy with my partner. We’ve been together for nearly twenty years (I’m mid-fifties, he’s early 60s) and have a regular, fun and interesting sex life. He has ED which we’ve worked through together (with the help of Viagra) so that isn’t an issue and at no point have I said it is one. I’m post-menopause and while I’m confident in my skin and still enjoy sex I really have no urge to get involved with anyone new.

Increasingly regularly, he’s suggested I can sleep with other men ‘if I want’. He says he gets off on the idea. A threesome would make more sense to me (although it isn’t something we’ve done) but I just don’t understand why he’d want me to go off and do that. However hard I try to think about it rationally I can’t come up with anything because it isn’t rational. Like a lot of women, I couldn’t shag someone without becoming close to them.

Does anyone have any insight into why he’s suggesting this? I’ve asked if it’s because he wants to do the same but he says he has no interest in that and he just wants me to ‘enjoy myself’. But I do, with him! Everything else about our relationship is lovely, more so I suspect because we don’t live together and only see each other a couple of days a week.

When he makes these suggestions it makes me feel as though he thinks our most intimate times are unimportant. When I’ve put this to him he says I’m being silly and it doesn’t mean that at all.

Any insights? I really don’t want to ‘LTB’ because everything else about our relationship is great.

Typo

ment to say anything anal not anything small

I have sex with women as part of a threesome or foursome. And while I find this extremely erotic and very satisfying, I don't have sex with women alone (which I don't think I would enjoy nearly as much and have never felt driven to explore) and I have never seen any woman in any other context and thought 'I fancy her' or 'she looks hot' etc. I have never considered a relationship with a woman. I even have a friend who I met through swinging and whom I occasionally join in bed with her lover AND happily discuss the woes of teen parenting with (after we realised we have kids at the same school and a lot in common) and the friendship developed out of the sex. I cannot imagine it being the other way around, and neither of us want to have sex without a man involved.

In order to be attracted to women, they have to present in the context I am attracted to them in, and I have to already be considering them as such and in that mood myself. When they are not, they are totally platonic. This definitely makes sex with them a supplementary kink for a 'straight' person and I do not identify as bisexual, bi-curious or lesbian. Like someone who enjoys, say, feathers isn't going to be aroused by a random duster. It's context specific. I don't much care what people call me, or feel like my identity rests meaningfully on who I sleep with, but that isn't the same for everyone and I feel it would be disrespectful to gay or bisexual people, who would probably see me as privileged and playing at it and not having to put up with significant prejudice and discrimination as if I were openly bi/gay/etcetc.

The term used is often 'bi-playful'. ('play' being the usual term for this sort of sexual proclivity) And there are plenty of women who are not fully that and have varying limits on sexual contact with women. It's really not as simple as 'gay/not gay'. There's no reason for people to fit so rigidly into categories and it's limiting and a bit dismissive to insist that they should for a person with only an outside perspective.

Feel free to ignore this if you aren't comfortable with it. I'm just curious (and I find all this quite fascinating). Do you think that it being 100% about her pleasure at the hands of another person is that's NOT your responsibility - so it's freeing for you? And because it's in no way your responsibility, you can really let go and enjoy it. No feeling selfish or objectifying women or eye on the clock (or whatever pressures men normally feel subject to)? That seems quite a logical response to me. It's hard to be healthily masculine now.

Do you think it would be the same with another woman? (I think men can easily feel competitive, but also don't want to be a dick about it. So pleasure with multiple women is both easier and WAY more pressure)

My partner is all about mutual pleasure, but I've previously been with men who like to be in charge, and my god that's amazing. Because as a woman who lives alone with children I am in charge of every bloody thing ever, and for ONCE it was so lovely to just turn up and enjoy the party and have my pleasure put first! I actually think that's why I don't bother so much with other men now - I used to really enjoy that, but because my fella is a much better partner than previous ones, I don't feel so much like every damn thing is on me, it's not so attractive as it used to be in a lover.

I agree with a lot of the points here.

I’ve been overwhelmed by the amount of responses here and I’m incredibly grateful to everyone who’s taken the time to detail their insights and personal experiences. Thank you. I really appreciate it so much. I’ll have a good read through later.

There’s a lot to take in. I love my partner more than I can adequately explain at the moment, and for more reasons I can count. I want to understand where this is coming from and what can be done moving forward, if we’re to stay together. I see myself as extremely experimental, confident and open-minded but this latest suggestion has blind-sided me and made me feel worthless and cheap. Someone to be passed around. Thank you to all who’ve given your perspective on this and helped me see it from different angles.

If I’m honest with myself though I’m not sure that’s the whole problem. There’s something deeper like a feeling I’ve been left out of my partner’s sex life, that I’m only a part of it. He’s all of mine. I used to watch porn fairly regularly but have realised I haven’t for a while and I’m happy with my own imaginative fantasies (where women orgasm too lol). I don’t want to ‘own’ all of him or every second of his life but my instinct says this is not just about his ‘kink’.

I’m going to play the long game on this. If I end up having to go through his messages it’s the end of our relationship and I just don’t think that’s makes sense after everything we’ve built for ourselves.

I do think your first paragraph is part of it.

DP is one of those people who's never put of her own head. She's never completely relaxed, completely in the moment. Except when we're having really good sex. There's something special about that moment for me, about seeing her like that. But it also means I never just get to bask in that moment, because I'm the one causing it, trying to prolong it. It would be interesting to see her like that, from the outside.

But that's why I don't think the fantasy would ever live up to the reality with DP, because I don't think she could ever get to that point with someone she didn't love.

I am completely with her there. One of the big reasons I love sex is that it’s the only time I am completely in my body and out of my head. I don’t feel like I need to be in love with someone, but I do definitely need to feel safe and valued, (and obviously it needs to be pretty good sex!)

You feel an important part of him has been hidden from you? That would worry me. Because I’d feel like he hadn’t been able to trust me with his whole self, or felt safe to share something that made him feel vulnerable when I was supposed to be the only person he did that with.

For that all some small parts of my sex life and my partners happen independently of one another, I’ve never felt that. To me, they are small parts. Even when we do things apart that we don’t do together. To you, it’s more fundamental. I wonder if a kink-positive therapist might be able to help you (and maybe him) explore it. NOT because you should feel pressure to comply, but because it bothers you and that’s valid and he has this kink and that’s valid too. If you could figure out what it’s doing for him, maybe there’s a way his need could be met that you are comfortable with and feel part of it. Or maybe there’s a reason that would mean it makes sense for you, and while you still don’t and shouldn’t want it, it isn’t a problem that it’s just there, the way it is now. It’s not going to just go away.

It’s always worth finding out why something bothers you, I think. And sex is so often the canary in the coal mine, it pays to pay attention.

I wonder if a kink-positive therapist might be able to help you (and maybe him) explore it.

This is terrible advice, OP. If you're not into it (which you're clearly not), you're not into it - there's nothing to explore! Either he'll just have to be happy to keep it in his head as a fantasy (and stop bothering you with it), which he may well be, or you've become incompatible. Anything else starts a slippery slope towards you being wheedled into compromising your boundaries, and doing things you don't really want to do.

In order to be attracted to women, they have to present in the context I am attracted to them in, and I have to already be considering them as such and in that mood myself. When they are not, they are totally platonic.

What, so are you are ravening beast who is incapable of viewing men in any regard other than sexual? You're attracted to every man you see, because you're straight? Because your attitude does carry that rather concerning implication. Or...does the wider context matter regardless of your sexuality?

It's really not as simple as 'gay/not gay'. There's no reason for people to fit so rigidly into categories and it's limiting and a bit dismissive to insist that they should for a person with only an outside perspective.

No one is mentioning rigid categories, just saying that if you are freely and happily choosing to engage in sexual contact with someone of the same sex for the pleasure of it, you're most definitely not straight. This just sounds like being a 2 or 3 on the old Kinsey scale. Heteroflexible, is I believe what it used to be called.
But you do you, I suppose.

Then you haven't heard of 'spit roasting'.

Call his bluff ! Do it !

At least in his head that is.
Tell him you’ve been asked out on a date by a fit young man in a weeks time and you accepted.
Of course your going to need a new dress, new lingerie, new shoes, a trip to the hair & nail salon as you absolutely need to look the best for your potential new young lover don’t you?

Agreed. My ex went to a 'kink-positive therapist' who basically told him I was a frigid, miserable bitch and was making him depressed because he couldn't 'fully express himself'. All I was doing was asking for him to want to have sex with me, not to masturbate to the thought of random men doing it for him.

My late husband would never have wanted or suggested it - but if he had it would have been a firm “no” from me, and to be honest, I’d have lost all respect for him.

If you love and respect your partner, you shouldn’t want them to be having sex with anyone else. 🤷‍♀️

This has been a very interesting thread, even if we haven't fully got to the answer of why this particular man is suggesting this right now.

It's made me think a lot about these dynamics. My own feeling about all this cuckolding and Hotwifing is that it's still centring men. It's like lending their women out like a Black and Decker drill and expecting the neighbour to be grateful, getting a thrill out of having a hot wife and 'lending' her out to other men. Even the wife 'getting pleasure' has to be accounted for and happen- what if she wants to have an experience without having to account for it, or even not enjoy herself that much? I hate when people 'expect' you to have fun and pleasure for their fun and pleasure. So often these accounts seem to be all about pleasing the men by letting them be submissive, letting them lend you out, letting you go out to have hot sex elsewhere. It's all so subtly dominating.

If you enjoy these activities for your own self, it seems to me they are then liberating but only then.

Genuinely dominant men have extra sex all the time, but they just get on with it as they please and don't report back or give a shit what their partner thinks about it. We seem to read about this daily on mumsnet.

The fact he keeps saying 'I want you to have fun' would annoy me immensely. In fact, what I'd feel like doing is having fun, and not looking back. The fact you say the rest of your relationship is good, but you have some nagging doubts about whether this is in fact a sign of cheating makes me think there is trouble in paradise and you probably are about to uncover it. I hope it goes ok, OP.

Yikes, this was an interesting, and equally uncomfortable thread to go through. What a mind-blowingly hard-to-understand fetish/kink this is. So sorry that you are faced with something like this, OP. Especially after so many years together. It would shatter me, being presented something like this...
We can't know the real reason why the husband would want to go there, but I see this as a simple equation: If this is something he's interested in, but you are not, it's a no-no. If it was reversed, and you'd want to do it, and he could never imagine going for something like that, that would also be a no... If he can accept this not being something you'd do (and not have it fester, or become some odd, harmful thing), then I guess it's ok. But going on about it is definitely an uncomfortable, sad thing. I would sit down and make him understand this...

@OtterlyAstounding I haven’t read all of the latest replies yet but this stood out from a quick scroll:
I wonder if a kink-positive therapist might be able to help you (and maybe him) explore it.
Can I ask if you’re male or female? As another poster said - this is appalling advice. I’ve told my partner on several (!) occasions that this isn’t something I’ll be doing and I’ve said as much on here, yet you’re advising me to get professional help to explore it? Wtf? I’m all for trying new things ‘in bed’ and regularly do but I draw the line at having strangers inside my body (unless they’re fixing something) and I draw the line at men using me to satisfy their own needs, dressed up as being for my benefit. I don’t need any kind of therapy to change my mind on that. What an utterly odd suggestion.

The fact you say the rest of your relationship is good, but you have some nagging doubts about whether this is in fact a sign of cheating makes me think there is trouble in paradise and you probably are about to uncover it

Thank you @FlyHighLikeABird. I’m afraid I have to agree with you on this. What I meant really was ‘up until now’. There very plainly is a major problem going on here that I’ve been blind to (because I wasn’t looking I suppose).

But going on about it is definitely an uncomfortable, sad thing. I would sit down and make him understand this...

Thanks @exhaustDAD, I really appreciate your comments.

Ooh, it was @Notgoingononlyfansyet who said that, OP, and I said it was appalling advice, haha. I should have quoted them properly - I think that caused the confusion!

But yes, I 100% agree with you! You seem like you're very confident and aware of what you like and don't like, so I'm not sure what the point would be in speaking to a therapist, unless it was to try to push your boundaries! Which is obviously a terrible idea.

Call his bluff ! Do it !
At least in his head that is.
Tell him you’ve been asked out on a date by a fit young man in a weeks time and you accepted.
Of course your going to need a new dress, new lingerie, new shoes, a trip to the hair & nail salon as you absolutely need to look the best for your potential new young lover don’t you?

@Angela59 Funnily enough I was considering something along these lines this morning but in my version I set it all up, have the time of my life and arrange another meet-up with the young fit stud (and maybe his mate too because I’m so hot his mates want to join in). I’ll then tell my partner all about it in detail while he works himself into a frenzy of pleasure.

And then I’ll tell him nothing actually happened and I made all of it up. Just to make a point.

Sounds like he's enjoy it and then put even more pressure on you to do it for real.

You feel an important part of him has been hidden from you? That would worry me. Because I’d feel like he hadn’t been able to trust me with his whole self, or felt safe to share something that made him feel vulnerable when I was supposed to be the only person he did that with.

@Notgoingononlyfansyet This is what confuses me because I genuinely thought we confided (mostly) everything in each other. I’m an open and honest person and like to see the best in people and be non-judgemental. I’ve never blown up about anything he’s said to me (not even this, yet) so I don’t know why he’d be wary of sharing, unless he had something to hide. All of this feels too intense to be a sudden interest which is why I’m feeling odd about it.

My version of this had you coming back to the house, unable to sit down comfortably without shifting about, looking wistfully out the window, sighing a lot, refusing sex as you're not in the mood, allowing an enigmatic smile to play on your lips as you appear deep in thought, refusing to discuss what happened beyond confirming that you are getting round two set up with Mr Lovalova and asking DP to go home early as you're tired and want a quiet night in. Then keeping my WhatsApp active til 2am. 😈

Sounds like he's enjoy it and then put even more pressure on you to do it for real.

Thats my point though: it makes absolutely no difference to him if I do it or don’t do it because it was never going to be for my ‘pleasure’. Only his. It’s all about him. In the scenario I described he DOES think I’ve done it for real.