Partner wants me to sleep with other men…

[AnOddOne]

I’ve nc for this.

Has anyone else had experience of this? I’ve expressed no interest in sleeping around and I’m perfectly happy with my partner. We’ve been together for nearly twenty years (I’m mid-fifties, he’s early 60s) and have a regular, fun and interesting sex life. He has ED which we’ve worked through together (with the help of Viagra) so that isn’t an issue and at no point have I said it is one. I’m post-menopause and while I’m confident in my skin and still enjoy sex I really have no urge to get involved with anyone new.

Increasingly regularly, he’s suggested I can sleep with other men ‘if I want’. He says he gets off on the idea. A threesome would make more sense to me (although it isn’t something we’ve done) but I just don’t understand why he’d want me to go off and do that. However hard I try to think about it rationally I can’t come up with anything because it isn’t rational. Like a lot of women, I couldn’t shag someone without becoming close to them.

Does anyone have any insight into why he’s suggesting this? I’ve asked if it’s because he wants to do the same but he says he has no interest in that and he just wants me to ‘enjoy myself’. But I do, with him! Everything else about our relationship is lovely, more so I suspect because we don’t live together and only see each other a couple of days a week.

When he makes these suggestions it makes me feel as though he thinks our most intimate times are unimportant. When I’ve put this to him he says I’m being silly and it doesn’t mean that at all.

Any insights? I really don’t want to ‘LTB’ because everything else about our relationship is great.

Huge red flag.

If you sleep with another man (at his suggestion) he will always have something to throw at you - you slept with another man.....you must have wanted to...was he better than me....do you want him more etc.

It's a minefield. It would be an absolute NO from me. Quite apart from my lack of desire to sleep with a total stranger. Just grim.

Some men like the idea of this. You don't want to do it it so it's an absolute no.

Yes this. I broke up with someone many moons ago because they kept suggesting this.

he just wants me to ‘enjoy myself’🤢

Yuk. What a creep. He means he wants to enjoy it.

The idea of this, talking about and fantasing about it, is so radically different from actually wanting to happen.

He may just like the idea of it or may be using it as a test to see if you jump at the chance. Either way, don’t even entertain it, OP.

Does he want to watch? That would be my assumption.

If your partner likes the idea of sleeping with other men so much, he can nob off and do it himself.

He sounds horrible, I hope you can get away from him, and don't fall into the sunk cost trap.

I’ve told him in no uncertain terms it’s not happening but why did he suggest it in the first place? Maybe you’re right @Meadowfinch. I just don’t get it though because we’re so happy otherwise.

That and the ED suggests he’s a heavy porn user. He thinks he’ll find it arousing. He can’t get aroused with women naturally due to porn and hopes that living out this porn fantasy will give him an erection.

Does he want to watch? That would be my assumption.

No, he doesn’t! That’s what makes it so weird.

Make him your ex partner. He is absolutely not worthy of you in any way. And what happens afterwards if you were foolish enough to go through with what he wants?.,

@singthing That’s the problem. He isn’t horrible in any other way. He’s absolutely lovely and has been there for me (and me him) through some pretty bad times. This is a recent development.

It's not rational, it's a fetish. It's not a super rare one. You need to be 100% clear you're not interested and don't want to be asked again, then obviously if he does continue to ask then you have a problem.

He is not being respectful of you as a person and that nulls and voids the rest of your relationship too.

I think it’s strange when you’ve been together 20 years and he’s only just now started suggesting this. As you don’t live together and only see him a couple of times a week can you be totally sure he isn’t also seeing someone else, or there’s someone else who’s come into the picture? It might be he does want to do the same - or already is - but he’s not going to be admitting to it just yet

Its a cuckold fantasy. Men like this get off on knowing their wife is being shagged by another man. They don't necessarily want to watch. They want to hear the details from their wife afterwards. I know men who have been approached on dating sites by married women in this situation.

I suspect your H has been watching porn about this and now wants you to make that fantasy real.

I would not be happy about this OP.

@InWithPeaceOutWithStress I do suspect he uses porn a fair bit. He has shown signs of being interested in men over the last year or so (a threesome was suggested with his male friend, which I declined lol) so maybe that’s something to do with it? I still can’t work out what though if he doesn’t want to be there.

An affair did cross my mind @SilverPink

It’s pretty bloody grim isn’t it? If I did do it I’d certainly not be giving him any details. I’ve known this guy for nearly twenty years and there’s been none of this nonsense.

Run fast and far. He wants to do things sexually using your body as his proxy body. He'll be bugging you about it, then about telling him all the details and he won't take no for an answer.

This will not end well.

Are there any men on here who can explain? Or women who’d like their partner to do this? I’m no prude but it makes no sense to try to push your partner into somebody else’s arms. I’m all ears when it comes to explanations though!

The fact he keeps asking is enough for me to say you need to leave, he has no respect for you.

It’s called hot wife lifestyle or cuckolding, it’s a porn category or lifestyle. I assume he’s been watching porn about it and / or been on forums about it. You could say you’re not open to that but ask him more about why he finds it a turn on and see if there’s something different that meets that feeling for him but respects your boundaries too.

Ps have a google about hot wife lifestyle stuff, about why people like it etc, so you can understand a bit. Not suggesting you should be open to it, but useful to know what he’s feeling.

If he keeps mentioning it that is a total lack of respect when you have said no. Sleazebag.