Partner wants me to sleep with other men…

[AnOddOne]

I’ve nc for this.

Has anyone else had experience of this? I’ve expressed no interest in sleeping around and I’m perfectly happy with my partner. We’ve been together for nearly twenty years (I’m mid-fifties, he’s early 60s) and have a regular, fun and interesting sex life. He has ED which we’ve worked through together (with the help of Viagra) so that isn’t an issue and at no point have I said it is one. I’m post-menopause and while I’m confident in my skin and still enjoy sex I really have no urge to get involved with anyone new.

Increasingly regularly, he’s suggested I can sleep with other men ‘if I want’. He says he gets off on the idea. A threesome would make more sense to me (although it isn’t something we’ve done) but I just don’t understand why he’d want me to go off and do that. However hard I try to think about it rationally I can’t come up with anything because it isn’t rational. Like a lot of women, I couldn’t shag someone without becoming close to them.

Does anyone have any insight into why he’s suggesting this? I’ve asked if it’s because he wants to do the same but he says he has no interest in that and he just wants me to ‘enjoy myself’. But I do, with him! Everything else about our relationship is lovely, more so I suspect because we don’t live together and only see each other a couple of days a week.

When he makes these suggestions it makes me feel as though he thinks our most intimate times are unimportant. When I’ve put this to him he says I’m being silly and it doesn’t mean that at all.

Any insights? I really don’t want to ‘LTB’ because everything else about our relationship is great.

I was also going to say this about the porn

do you know much about his online activities? If he has fawswingers then you’ll have your answer really

Oh Good grief! Bin him. He obviously doesn't care for you. Perhaps he hopes you'll meet somebody else...

Not necessarily, it's a fetish of its own, not a gateway to cheating.

My friends partner is into the same thing. He said he likes the fact that she is wanted by other men and then he kind of has to ‘win her back’. It works for the at least but sounds like you’re not into it!

I just can’t be bothered with this. It’s a pretty big risk. What if I couldn’t be ‘won’ back..? I realise now this little fetish isn’t anything to do with me but I have spent the day ruminating over this and thinking he doesn’t care about our relationship if he’s happy to ‘farm me out’.

Thank you all for helping me to see things more clearly: It’s all about him. He’s turned into a monstrously selfish pervert and now I just need to find out why.

It could be that your husband likes the idea of other men finding you attractive and wanting to have sex with you - but you're 'his' and not theirs!

It could be that he likes the idea of other men wanting to have sex with you and for you to have sex with them - so you can tell him all about the 'encounter' in great detail.

Regardless of the reason behind it... it's dangerous territory. There was a thread a while ago where a woman had sex with other men at her partner's insistence, and he started behaving jealous. Calling her names, saying she preferred these men over him etc. It was a mess. She also didn't really want to have sex with other men, but did it to 'please him'. The only thing she achieved was a situation that he could use to metaphorically beat her with.

You aren't interested, so shut your husband down and make it very very plain that the subject is closed and it won't be happening.

do you know much about his online activities? If he has fawswingers then you’ll have your answer really

No I have no idea what he gets up to when I’m not with him.

I think if that’s the case then he could just ‘imagine’ his wife is doing this / weave it in to their dirty talk. I would believe it more if he wanted to watch or had one of those cuck fetishes. OP mentioned somewhere she’s picked up on the men vibe through the years, so it could be a way of opening the relationship more so he can go and explore that side of himself (probably a mid life thing)

It doesn't seem uncommon that men enjoy this, maybe its a kind of voyeurism.

Do you exchange fantasies? I know you have asked him why he is interested in this, but have you asked him to talk you through his fantasy of this? While maintaining your boundary that it is fantasy and will never happen.

Would you be interested to hear him fantasise about you with another man? You can't control what goes on within his own imagination anyway!

I wouldn't go straight to LTB unless he pesters / pressurises you.

I suspect he’s embarrassed about the ED and feels emasculated and therefore has leaned into the thrill of it now he wants to cuck.

some people get a kick out of being humiliated which he obviously feels with the ed, so someone else humiliating him would make more sense

If an egg is only a tiny bit rotten, do you still think it's fine to eat?

He has repeatedly pushed you on something you have repeatedly declined. How many nice things "make up" for him being so gross?

An ex wanted me to do this. He was addicted to porn so i think he needed the extra excitement of me sleeping with other men. I didn't want to but he constantly talked about it and told me his dreams and fantasies which always involved me and someone else. He longed for me to have my 'freedom' and 'enjoy myself.'

Ultimately, it pushed me away because it ruined any intimacy between us as far as I was concerned. I wanted him to desire me for himself, not for some other bloke. I wanted him to enjoy himself with me, not watch another man. It was upsetting and he didn't get why. It was what ended things eventually.

That would just make me feel like my DH didn't want me.

Unless you are really enthusiastic about it it would have to be a firm no and never discussed again.

And be careful what else he comes up with.
Reminds me of that awful Pelicot case in France which I think started this way - he was also apparently a lovely husband apparently.

I suspect he’s embarrassed about the ED and feels emasculated and therefore has leaned into the thrill of it now he wants to cuck.
some people get a kick out of being humiliated which he obviously feels with the ed, so someone else humiliating him would make more sense

I really don’t think it is this. While I realise the ED is much more of an issue for him it’s something that started a good five years ago and he’s very much got the hang of using Viagra (and sometimes doesn’t need it at all). It genuinely isn’t an issue with us. With someone new I can see it being more of a problem however.

He wants an affair or he has a cuckold kink.

That would just make me feel like my DH didn't want me.

Exactly that. That’s how I’ve been feeling sometimes.

Has everybody missed the part where he suggested a threesome with OP and his male best friend?

I don't know of a single straight man that would want to engage in a sexual encounter with their male best friend. My original thought was cuckoldry but this part stood out to me as odd.

OP is there any chance he could be gay and is offering you sex with other men so that he can perhaps have sex with other men too? Would also explain the ED.

@TheatreTheatre Do you exchange fantasies?

Hes not very good at this, gets embarrassed. I tell him all kinds of exciting tales but he doesn’t really reciprocate.

You might not want to LTB, but he's not the man you think he is. He has either changed or hidden this from you. If you have told him you aren't interested and he continues to push then you should realize he sees you as an object.

Why do you need to decline more than once. No means no. Any man that suggests again after a no should be an ex. Pushing boundaries is a huge turn off.

It is either a kink or he wants to stop having sex with you but maintain the relationship and he thinks this is the way to do it. I'm leaning towards the latter as he doesn't want to watch.

@Idontknowhatnametochoose He longed for me to have my 'freedom' and 'enjoy myself.'

This is exactly what he says to me.

Bloke here.

it’s a fairly common fantasy for men.

you should ( as others have said ) just tell him firmly you’re not going to do it and to back off.

Im suspicious that he is up to something (or thinking about it) with somebody else and he is thus suggesting you can "if you want to" to try and justify whatever it is he is thinking of.

Completely agree with you.

It sounds porn - driven to me.