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Original poster

Partner wants me to sleep with other men…

375 replies

AnOddOne · 22/01/2026 18:40

I’ve nc for this.

Has anyone else had experience of this? I’ve expressed no interest in sleeping around and I’m perfectly happy with my partner. We’ve been together for nearly twenty years (I’m mid-fifties, he’s early 60s) and have a regular, fun and interesting sex life. He has ED which we’ve worked through together (with the help of Viagra) so that isn’t an issue and at no point have I said it is one. I’m post-menopause and while I’m confident in my skin and still enjoy sex I really have no urge to get involved with anyone new.

Increasingly regularly, he’s suggested I can sleep with other men ‘if I want’. He says he gets off on the idea. A threesome would make more sense to me (although it isn’t something we’ve done) but I just don’t understand why he’d want me to go off and do that. However hard I try to think about it rationally I can’t come up with anything because it isn’t rational. Like a lot of women, I couldn’t shag someone without becoming close to them.

Does anyone have any insight into why he’s suggesting this? I’ve asked if it’s because he wants to do the same but he says he has no interest in that and he just wants me to ‘enjoy myself’. But I do, with him! Everything else about our relationship is lovely, more so I suspect because we don’t live together and only see each other a couple of days a week.

When he makes these suggestions it makes me feel as though he thinks our most intimate times are unimportant. When I’ve put this to him he says I’m being silly and it doesn’t mean that at all.

Any insights? I really don’t want to ‘LTB’ because everything else about our relationship is great.

OP posts:
Mumtobabyhavoc · 22/01/2026 20:13

OP, I have never heard of a straight guy wanting a threesome with another man. Never.

YRGAM · 22/01/2026 20:14

I'd suggest heavy porn usage, and potentially a side dose of insecurity thanks to the ED, is behind this

TeaBiscuitsNaptime · 22/01/2026 20:14

My guess is either because he slept with someone else and wants to continue it, he is gay himself and is struggling with feelings or he is abusive and is trying to confuse you. Sorry 😔.If it was announced out the blue, there's definitely something fishy going on but if it was part of a conversation about trying new things or spicing thing up maybe it's all innocent

Original poster
AnOddOne · 22/01/2026 20:15

@Holdmeclosertinydancer2018 OP is there any chance he could be gay and is offering you sex with other men so that he can perhaps have sex with other men too? Would also explain the ED.

I’m starting to wonder if this might be the case. The ED is probably not linked as started a few years ago when he appeared very much straight and happy with just little old me.

OP posts:
MeridianB · 22/01/2026 20:15

You said no. He keeps asking. Thats the most worrying part of it all.

The change in his respect for you is not good.

He needs to be honest about his reasons and stop talking about things you’ve already said no to or risk damaging what you have.

Happyjoe · 22/01/2026 20:15

Only ever do what YOU want to do. If you've said no, that should be the end of it.

My dad told me after mum died that he really fancied a colleague's wife. Talked mum into sleeping with colleague, just so he could sleep with the wife. Mum didn't want to, went along with it because of dad going on. Please don't make the same mistake my mum did, just to please someone else. The way my dad talked about mum in more ways than this really made me realise he was not a nice man and that men think about sex more than is healthy tbh.

fruitfly3 · 22/01/2026 20:17

Not that rare at all (as a fetish). If it’s not your think then it’s a hard ‘no’ and move on

Original poster
AnOddOne · 22/01/2026 20:19

@TeaBiscuitsNaptime It was out of the blue the first time and my reaction should’ve meant it wasn’t brought up again. He’s never shown any kind of abusive behaviour (apart from this?) so I’m left with the possibly of him cheating or being gay. Or maybe both. Or maybe neither lol. There’s going to be an interesting convo this weekend.

OP posts:
ShawnaMacallister · 22/01/2026 20:20

Mumtobabyhavoc · 22/01/2026 20:13

OP, I have never heard of a straight guy wanting a threesome with another man. Never.

Loads of straight men in the swinging community happily engage in group sex with other men. It's a small community but they definitely exist!

Holdmeclosertinydancer2018 · 22/01/2026 20:21

AnOddOne · 22/01/2026 20:15

@Holdmeclosertinydancer2018 OP is there any chance he could be gay and is offering you sex with other men so that he can perhaps have sex with other men too? Would also explain the ED.

I’m starting to wonder if this might be the case. The ED is probably not linked as started a few years ago when he appeared very much straight and happy with just little old me.

Has he shown any other interest in men? Could you check his porn history to find out what he's been watching?

Original poster
AnOddOne · 22/01/2026 20:22

Not that rare at all (as a fetish). If it’s not your think then it’s a hard ‘no’ and move on

The hard ‘no’ has happened but the moving on hasn’t. I’ve been around a while and I’m not naive but it’s out of character for my partner and the relationship I’ve known for nearly two decades. I am aware it happens but that isn’t the issue here.

OP posts:
fishtank12345 · 22/01/2026 20:22

AnOddOne · 22/01/2026 18:40

I’ve nc for this.

Has anyone else had experience of this? I’ve expressed no interest in sleeping around and I’m perfectly happy with my partner. We’ve been together for nearly twenty years (I’m mid-fifties, he’s early 60s) and have a regular, fun and interesting sex life. He has ED which we’ve worked through together (with the help of Viagra) so that isn’t an issue and at no point have I said it is one. I’m post-menopause and while I’m confident in my skin and still enjoy sex I really have no urge to get involved with anyone new.

Increasingly regularly, he’s suggested I can sleep with other men ‘if I want’. He says he gets off on the idea. A threesome would make more sense to me (although it isn’t something we’ve done) but I just don’t understand why he’d want me to go off and do that. However hard I try to think about it rationally I can’t come up with anything because it isn’t rational. Like a lot of women, I couldn’t shag someone without becoming close to them.

Does anyone have any insight into why he’s suggesting this? I’ve asked if it’s because he wants to do the same but he says he has no interest in that and he just wants me to ‘enjoy myself’. But I do, with him! Everything else about our relationship is lovely, more so I suspect because we don’t live together and only see each other a couple of days a week.

When he makes these suggestions it makes me feel as though he thinks our most intimate times are unimportant. When I’ve put this to him he says I’m being silly and it doesn’t mean that at all.

Any insights? I really don’t want to ‘LTB’ because everything else about our relationship is great.

dump him immediately. Depraved minded fool of a man.

HelpMeUnpickThis · 22/01/2026 20:25

Happyjoe · 22/01/2026 20:15

Only ever do what YOU want to do. If you've said no, that should be the end of it.

My dad told me after mum died that he really fancied a colleague's wife. Talked mum into sleeping with colleague, just so he could sleep with the wife. Mum didn't want to, went along with it because of dad going on. Please don't make the same mistake my mum did, just to please someone else. The way my dad talked about mum in more ways than this really made me realise he was not a nice man and that men think about sex more than is healthy tbh.

Edited

Not to derail the thread but what did I just read?! Your dad talked to you about his sex life? Why? How did this arise?

Sorry for your loss.

Original poster
AnOddOne · 22/01/2026 20:25

Has he shown any other interest in men? Could you check his porn history to find out what he's been watching?

I don’t look at his search history on anything because I’m a very private person and would hate it if someone did that to me. I trust(ed) him and I’d rather talk face-to-face about issues. I’ll try this method first.

He does have quite a few gay friends (male and female) but I don’t police his friendships.

OP posts:
AnotherSliceOfCakePlease · 22/01/2026 20:25

being cuckolded is a very common fantasy. Often the partner doesn’t want to be there. I know a couple who were into this. I don’t think it means he doesn’t desire you, probably the opposite, the thought of other men desiring you too turns him on. My guess is the threesome with another man is along those lines. I think if everything else in your relationship is good, then it would be incredibly sad to leave because he’s suggested about a fantasy you’re not interested in. He does however need to stop pushing and take no for an answer. If he doesn’t that is a problem. Ask him why he’s into it, hopefully it’ll reassure you that it isn’t that he’s not into you anymore, but then tell him he has to draw a line under it. If he wants to ‘explore’ that fantasy he can use his imagination.

tachetastic · 22/01/2026 20:27

AnOddOne · 22/01/2026 18:40

I’ve nc for this.

Has anyone else had experience of this? I’ve expressed no interest in sleeping around and I’m perfectly happy with my partner. We’ve been together for nearly twenty years (I’m mid-fifties, he’s early 60s) and have a regular, fun and interesting sex life. He has ED which we’ve worked through together (with the help of Viagra) so that isn’t an issue and at no point have I said it is one. I’m post-menopause and while I’m confident in my skin and still enjoy sex I really have no urge to get involved with anyone new.

Increasingly regularly, he’s suggested I can sleep with other men ‘if I want’. He says he gets off on the idea. A threesome would make more sense to me (although it isn’t something we’ve done) but I just don’t understand why he’d want me to go off and do that. However hard I try to think about it rationally I can’t come up with anything because it isn’t rational. Like a lot of women, I couldn’t shag someone without becoming close to them.

Does anyone have any insight into why he’s suggesting this? I’ve asked if it’s because he wants to do the same but he says he has no interest in that and he just wants me to ‘enjoy myself’. But I do, with him! Everything else about our relationship is lovely, more so I suspect because we don’t live together and only see each other a couple of days a week.

When he makes these suggestions it makes me feel as though he thinks our most intimate times are unimportant. When I’ve put this to him he says I’m being silly and it doesn’t mean that at all.

Any insights? I really don’t want to ‘LTB’ because everything else about our relationship is great.

It sounds to me that a tiny bit of him finds men attractive and so the idea of imagining you (his perfect woman, whom he finds incredibly sexy) and a strange man (just an abstract male body, which he also finds sexy) together really turns him on. He probably imagines that you will have wild sex with this person without making any personal connection, and then come home and tell him all about it to spice up your own sex life, which I am sure is already perfectly spiced.

Whatever you do, don't do it. If you try, it will either end up with:

(a) you having awkward sex with someone for the sake of it, that won't spark off any fantasies in your own sex life so DH won't be happy and you will be resentful that you had to go through this;

(b) you having pleasant sex with someone you find you get on with, and DH is now sulking that you aren't filling his head with a description of the other man's body on top of yours but instead telling him about how you've agreed to visit a gallery or book signing together; or

(c) you having amazing sex with someone who doesn't ask you to have sex with anyone else, which you won't want to give up and DH very quickly won't want you to do again.

I honestly don't see any good outcome.

Original poster
AnOddOne · 22/01/2026 20:28

Thank you @tachetastic Wise words.

OP posts:
napody · 22/01/2026 20:29

outerspacepotato · 22/01/2026 18:59

Run fast and far. He wants to do things sexually using your body as his proxy body. He'll be bugging you about it, then about telling him all the details and he won't take no for an answer.

This will not end well.

I think this is it. More likely than the 'hot wife' thing if he's been showing an interest in men himself.

Gahr · 22/01/2026 20:30

I don't understand this desire at all, and I think that men who want it must be gay, because their fantasy involves a man. I would understand it more if he wanted you to have sex with women. I wouldn't want to do that either, but it would make more sense that a heterosexual male would have that fantasy.

Wisperley · 22/01/2026 20:30

Do any of his older relatives suffer with dementia? I ask because you say this is out of character, and sometimes the first indicators are this kind of thing.

Gahr · 22/01/2026 20:30

napody · 22/01/2026 20:29

I think this is it. More likely than the 'hot wife' thing if he's been showing an interest in men himself.

Show quote history

I think the 'hot wife' thing is gay anyway.

shhblackbag · 22/01/2026 20:30

AnOddOne · 22/01/2026 18:55

@InWithPeaceOutWithStress I do suspect he uses porn a fair bit. He has shown signs of being interested in men over the last year or so (a threesome was suggested with his male friend, which I declined lol) so maybe that’s something to do with it? I still can’t work out what though if he doesn’t want to be there.

That would be my red flag. If he wants men, you're never going to be enough.

Red flag number 2 is if he keeps going on about you sleeping with another guy after you've said no.

I agree with PP, ignore sunk cost fallacy.

ChicJoker · 22/01/2026 20:32

AnOddOne · 22/01/2026 20:03

I suspect he’s embarrassed about the ED and feels emasculated and therefore has leaned into the thrill of it now he wants to cuck.
some people get a kick out of being humiliated which he obviously feels with the ed, so someone else humiliating him would make more sense

I really don’t think it is this. While I realise the ED is much more of an issue for him it’s something that started a good five years ago and he’s very much got the hang of using Viagra (and sometimes doesn’t need it at all). It genuinely isn’t an issue with us. With someone new I can see it being more of a problem however.

I get that, but it’s a psychological thing that runs deep. It’s not very black and white and whilst he may have had it for a while, a) you don’t know how long he’s thought about this - truly and b) as time goes on it can worsen or perspective can shift.

this kink is almost always linked to humiliation in some capacity

MayaPinion · 22/01/2026 20:33

He wants you to have sex with other people because it gives him the green light to engage in sexual activity with other people.

mathanxiety · 22/01/2026 20:34

This is an enormous red flag.

Look up the case of Dominique Pelicot in France and hopefully you'll see the slippery slope your husband has stepped onto, probably via pornography, which probably caused his ED too.

Do not do this.