Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner wants me to sleep with other men…

375 replies

AnOddOne · 22/01/2026 18:40

I’ve nc for this.

Has anyone else had experience of this? I’ve expressed no interest in sleeping around and I’m perfectly happy with my partner. We’ve been together for nearly twenty years (I’m mid-fifties, he’s early 60s) and have a regular, fun and interesting sex life. He has ED which we’ve worked through together (with the help of Viagra) so that isn’t an issue and at no point have I said it is one. I’m post-menopause and while I’m confident in my skin and still enjoy sex I really have no urge to get involved with anyone new.

Increasingly regularly, he’s suggested I can sleep with other men ‘if I want’. He says he gets off on the idea. A threesome would make more sense to me (although it isn’t something we’ve done) but I just don’t understand why he’d want me to go off and do that. However hard I try to think about it rationally I can’t come up with anything because it isn’t rational. Like a lot of women, I couldn’t shag someone without becoming close to them.

Does anyone have any insight into why he’s suggesting this? I’ve asked if it’s because he wants to do the same but he says he has no interest in that and he just wants me to ‘enjoy myself’. But I do, with him! Everything else about our relationship is lovely, more so I suspect because we don’t live together and only see each other a couple of days a week.

When he makes these suggestions it makes me feel as though he thinks our most intimate times are unimportant. When I’ve put this to him he says I’m being silly and it doesn’t mean that at all.

Any insights? I really don’t want to ‘LTB’ because everything else about our relationship is great.

OP posts:
Original poster
AnOddOne · 22/01/2026 21:12

@pipthomson Maybe he is compensating for his ‘perceived inadequacy’ by suggesting alternative solutions to ensure that you are not unsatisfied he may not be perverted as pp ‘s have suggested

The thing is, we have an active sex life. He isn’t inadequate (except in the brain cell department I’m starting to think) and he knows I’m not wanting to look anywhere else.

OP posts:
shuggles · 22/01/2026 21:18

@AnOddOne Does anyone have any insight into why he’s suggesting this?

It's just a fetish. That's all.

Contrary to popular belief on this website, men's and women's brains are wired differently when it comes to sex. That's why fetishes which are very common among men are almost never seen in women.

A man's girlfriend/partner having sex with other men = common fetish in men, but not in women.

Feet = common fetish in men, but not in women.

etc...

FeistyFrankie · 22/01/2026 21:22

Honestly there are two ways of looking at this.

On the one hand, if you share the same kink, you can literally have your cake and eat it. Whenever you want.

But then again, if this doesn't appeal to you, it would be the worst idea in the world to actually do it. You will harm yourself psychologically and this will in effect cause untold damage to your relationship.

You said you're not into it.. so don't do it. Not much more to say. But if he keeps bringing it up despite the fact you've said you don't want to, I think it would be reasonable to consider calling it a day, if he can't respect your boundaries.

SomeOtherUser · 22/01/2026 21:23

AnOddOne · 22/01/2026 18:40

I’ve nc for this.

Has anyone else had experience of this? I’ve expressed no interest in sleeping around and I’m perfectly happy with my partner. We’ve been together for nearly twenty years (I’m mid-fifties, he’s early 60s) and have a regular, fun and interesting sex life. He has ED which we’ve worked through together (with the help of Viagra) so that isn’t an issue and at no point have I said it is one. I’m post-menopause and while I’m confident in my skin and still enjoy sex I really have no urge to get involved with anyone new.

Increasingly regularly, he’s suggested I can sleep with other men ‘if I want’. He says he gets off on the idea. A threesome would make more sense to me (although it isn’t something we’ve done) but I just don’t understand why he’d want me to go off and do that. However hard I try to think about it rationally I can’t come up with anything because it isn’t rational. Like a lot of women, I couldn’t shag someone without becoming close to them.

Does anyone have any insight into why he’s suggesting this? I’ve asked if it’s because he wants to do the same but he says he has no interest in that and he just wants me to ‘enjoy myself’. But I do, with him! Everything else about our relationship is lovely, more so I suspect because we don’t live together and only see each other a couple of days a week.

When he makes these suggestions it makes me feel as though he thinks our most intimate times are unimportant. When I’ve put this to him he says I’m being silly and it doesn’t mean that at all.

Any insights? I really don’t want to ‘LTB’ because everything else about our relationship is great.

I'm sure many others have said the same but I reckon this is just a regular ol' kink! I've known men who have been into this idea. Just say no thanks, I will never want to do this. I'm assuming he's not issuing an ultimatum or anything?

MsSmartShoes · 22/01/2026 21:24

Have you suggested that you would LOVE to see him to get off with other men?

pipthomson · 22/01/2026 21:24

Does he enjoy Drama ? If your sex life is mutually satisfying why does he want to upset the apple cart maybe he is looking for ammunition to use later on or to test your loyalty by seeing how far you are willing to take it is he super -considerate in other areas ?
what are other options for resolving the situation ?

Maia77 · 22/01/2026 21:25

Like some of the PP have mentioned, it's a sexual fetish called cuckolding. It turns him on.

Original poster
AnOddOne · 22/01/2026 21:26

Not respecting women’s decisions = common ‘fetish’ in men.

Wanting to have a partner who behaves like an adult = common fetish in women.

That kind of thing @shuggles? Yeah I get it. I’m in my fifties. The ‘different brain wiring’ doesn’t excuse most of the behaviour I’m talking about though.

OP posts:
notnorman · 22/01/2026 21:28

I had a bf once who used to ask me to do this so he could hear about it 🤢🤮

Original poster
AnOddOne · 22/01/2026 21:28

Have you suggested that you would LOVE to see him to get off with other men?

I haven’t wanted to risk it tbh.

OP posts:
pipthomson · 22/01/2026 21:33

does he want a free-pass so he’s offered you one first?

Jane143 · 22/01/2026 21:33

Unless you can find a bloke you really fancy it would give you a clear slate for an affair! And nothing he could do about it!

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 22/01/2026 21:45

I know somebody who used to entertain a lady whilst her husband watched. Bizarre for me, but whatever floats their boats.

holdtheline11 · 22/01/2026 21:48

Tricky but if you really care about him create a discussion space where you are really listening and you can really get to the bottom of this.
Good luck

Bikergran · 22/01/2026 21:49

Tell him you're not a prostitute and he's not a pimp, and to forget it. Ick.

Changingtimes81 · 22/01/2026 21:55

People in relationships are entitled to do what pleases them both sexually. Problems arise when couples are totally misaligned in their sexual desires & what is acceptable to both.

In your situation OP your partner is cajoling you to take part in sex with other men simply for his own gratification with absolutely no concern about the effect the suggestion is having on you. You have to decide whether you can maintain respect for him after this & worse accept the fact he may wish to explore sex with men. You have to ask yourself if you really want to remain in a relationship with a man who is exhibiting this behaviour despite it being uncharacteristic & not what you are used to. People can change & it appears this has what has happened here. It's whether you feel you can see past his demands or whether you feel he's now not for you.

Original poster
AnOddOne · 22/01/2026 21:59

I know somebody who used to entertain a lady whilst her husband watched. @ByQuaintAzureWasp This I could understand but he wants me to do it WITHOUT him there.

OP posts:
TheCurious0range · 22/01/2026 21:59

I've always seen this kind of thing at an extension of objectifying and owning a woman, he has that much say/control he can give you to another man. It's gross.

Original poster
AnOddOne · 22/01/2026 22:04

But he’s doing me a favour don’tcha know @TheCurious0range? He ‘just wants me to have fun’.

OP posts:
shhblackbag · 22/01/2026 22:05

AnOddOne · 22/01/2026 22:04

But he’s doing me a favour don’tcha know @TheCurious0range? He ‘just wants me to have fun’.

I really would have never-ending ick. I'm sorry, OP.

TheCurious0range · 22/01/2026 22:08

AnOddOne · 22/01/2026 22:04

But he’s doing me a favour don’tcha know @TheCurious0range? He ‘just wants me to have fun’.

🤮

Original poster
AnOddOne · 22/01/2026 22:09

Right now it feels more like ‘sarcast-ick’. And quite annoyed.

But mainly I feel grateful for everyone’s insights and advice. Thank you so much.

OP posts:
Netcurtainnelly · 22/01/2026 22:13

AnOddOne · 22/01/2026 18:40

I’ve nc for this.

Has anyone else had experience of this? I’ve expressed no interest in sleeping around and I’m perfectly happy with my partner. We’ve been together for nearly twenty years (I’m mid-fifties, he’s early 60s) and have a regular, fun and interesting sex life. He has ED which we’ve worked through together (with the help of Viagra) so that isn’t an issue and at no point have I said it is one. I’m post-menopause and while I’m confident in my skin and still enjoy sex I really have no urge to get involved with anyone new.

Increasingly regularly, he’s suggested I can sleep with other men ‘if I want’. He says he gets off on the idea. A threesome would make more sense to me (although it isn’t something we’ve done) but I just don’t understand why he’d want me to go off and do that. However hard I try to think about it rationally I can’t come up with anything because it isn’t rational. Like a lot of women, I couldn’t shag someone without becoming close to them.

Does anyone have any insight into why he’s suggesting this? I’ve asked if it’s because he wants to do the same but he says he has no interest in that and he just wants me to ‘enjoy myself’. But I do, with him! Everything else about our relationship is lovely, more so I suspect because we don’t live together and only see each other a couple of days a week.

When he makes these suggestions it makes me feel as though he thinks our most intimate times are unimportant. When I’ve put this to him he says I’m being silly and it doesn’t mean that at all.

Any insights? I really don’t want to ‘LTB’ because everything else about our relationship is great.

If he wants you to sleep around he doesn't care about you.
Say no and mean it.

Changingtimes81 · 22/01/2026 22:13

TheCurious0range · 22/01/2026 21:59

I've always seen this kind of thing at an extension of objectifying and owning a woman, he has that much say/control he can give you to another man. It's gross.

To add to my previous post I thought about my own feelings if it was me.

This is not judgemental of those who would be happy with the arrangement although personally at best I'd be extremely hurt & at worst I'd be totally disgusted. I'm afraid to say I'd run for the hills regardless of how the relationship was before the selfish & self gratifying request was thrown my way.

I hope it all works out for you OP.

shuggles · 22/01/2026 22:14

@AnOddOne Not respecting women’s decisions = common ‘fetish’ in men.

Not a fetish. Those men are just assholes.

Wanting to have a partner who behaves like an adult = common fetish in women.

Evidently not, judging by the men that women select for dating and marriage.

That kind of thing? Yeah I get it. I’m in my fifties. The ‘different brain wiring’ doesn’t excuse most of the behaviour I’m talking about though.

Not an excuse. An explanation.