DH wants to put tracker/ AirTag in car WWYD?

[TrackerTracey]

Married nearly 30 years, all fine, no affairs or suspicions etc. However DH retired last year and in my opinion has too much time on his hands - constantly getting over involved in mine and the grown up children’s lives!

He is also big into tech and safety, and last year fitted a security camera at the front of the house which shows the front drive and cars etc. I have access to the app and live feed but I don’t have the set up codes or know how to access any recorded footage as that is all via his login and pc. At first it didn’t bother me, but I’ve become aware that he sits at his desk with the app open on screen so he can see comings and goings. He says it’s so he can see if parcels are being delivered, but occasionally he will comment about something else which makes me feel like we’re being watched (have a DS still living at home).

Anyway, we’re getting a new car and DH has announced that he wants to put an AirTag in it to track it in case it’s stolen. My initial reaction is that I don’t want this. It’s not that I’m likely to be going anywhere or doing anything bad, but I just don’t like the feeling of DH having this surveillance ability over my every move! And of course it will only work one way, because the AirTag will be logged to his device.

He says I’m overreacting and it’s just about safety in case the car is stolen, but I’m not happy about it. WWYD?

Whilst this may be controlling behaviour, I think it’s more likely to be the unfortunate hobby your OH has picked post retirement. He maybe felt he had lost his role and purpose without a job UNTIL he discovered his new position as head of household security, which he is clearly excelling in!

Personally, I’d say you don’t care about the AirTag in the car if it makes him feel better but it’s time he found a past time beyond cctv watching as these things can get more intense with age and before you know it he’ll be monitoring the movements of the whole street and driving you crazy with his constant updates and questions. Is there anything he could focus on instead? You could always gift him some course/experience for his birthday in the hope it leads to a more regular interest. Or get him to try some stuff. I know the security stuff must be frustrating but I think the underlying problem is a man without a hobby and after years of working, he might not know what he enjoys doing.

Say yes but only if the log in and live feed is in your name and your phone only. If being stolen is the reason for the airtag, he shouldn't have a problem with this.

That's not how coercive control works. It doesn't start with men being sneaky and putting in hidden cameras. It starts out exactly like this situation, where the coercive manoeuver is couched as being good for the control target:

I'd like to put an Airtag on the car in case it gets stolen.
Let's get a doorbell camera so that we can watch out for package deliverers.
I'd like to link up our calendars/set up Life360 so that you can see where I am for planning reasons.

Then it shifts to:
Why were you at XX's place so long?
Did you go shopping at XX at 3 pm? I thought you'd be at work.
I saw you at Bar XX when you went out with your friends. I thought you'd be at the restaurant.

This has the effect of the woman being monitored in the guise of him caring about her, which has subtle psychological effects on her that help the controller gain ever more control over her. Coercive control doesn't start out with hidden cameras.

In this particular scenario, it's likely a bored retired man, not a coercive controller, but it's still intrusive, and OP is right to nip this in the bud if she doesn't like it.

If he seriously wants a tracker in case of theft (which depending on your car may be a perfectly reasonable concern), he needs to look at a company like Tracker. An AirTag will do little to help. As pp have pointed out, you could agree but make it your AirTag if you just want to keep the peace. The actual behaviour is a more general issue obviously.

I would not like that. He is probably projecting his own wrongdoings. He thinks you may be having an affair because he may have had one - or is having one.

I have an air tag in my car, mostly because we go to festivals and forget where we have left the bloody thing. It’s not a red flag if he’s told you!

I genuinely think he has good intentions with all the tech/tracking stuff, and it may be a bit ageist, but there is definitely more than a whiff of 'retired inspector gadget' about it, but the fact remains that I feel a bit suffocated by it!
I am desperate not to become 'his and hers' matching jumpers in retirement, and that we maintain some separate hobbies and friendships.

He has form for adding new bits of tech to the house and not bringing everyone on board, so in the past we've had issues about him controlling the heating with the hot/water heating app and tinkering with what he thinks are 'reasonable' room temperatures and changing settings without telling us (always downwards!!)
Then there's the constantly changing TV/ services/ boxes/remotes so I discover I suddently don't know how to put the TV on!!

My last two new cars came with built in tracker/location devices as standard.

I am 50 50 on this one. My late husband and I used to share a diary and phone tracking on apple because he had a hobby where he met up with other people irregularly and we had dogs so we needed to know what each other was doing. My car is airtagged. I have got cameras to watch the wildlife and a doorcam and the viewing is shared with a sibling of mine. BUT in both cases we agreed to to setup and sharing. I don't think you can stop what he chooses to do but you can laugh at him for doing it and you can refuse to share your calendar if you don't want to. Again with the tag in the car, tell him YOU and you only will have control of it and see how that goes down.

Oh I would NOT tolerate anyone taking control of the heating for whatever reason. I'd go so far as to say that ANY new tech brought into the house requires my full knowledge and agreement BEFORE any changes are made and any violation will result in the new tech being removed with extreme prejudice. All replacement/repair costs to be bourne by the person who brought them in in the first place.

Most new cars have built in trackers this is totally normal often there will be an app that accompanies that make of care you can log into.

Why would anybody have an issue with their DH or DW knowing where they are or what they are doing.

I am ND. I forget to reply to texts, share my plans, tell him if they change etc etc. Then my Mum Died, and I had a serious health issue . My DH installed a ring doorbell, Alexa shows at home ( you can come straight into the house via video ) , and asked me to turn location share on permanently on my phone. His reasoning was he just got to anxious about me knowing I was already vulnerable, and couldn't get confirmation I was ok when we were apart.

It's brilliant! I have never felt so free! I don't have to tell him where I am, what I am doing, who I am with, and I can even ring the doorbell to give him the finger while he is at work if he has wound me up!

If you have trust in your marriage, then it may be an annoyance, but it shouldn't be a red flag. He is bored, possible a bit lonely, and just needs a new hobby. Maybe indulge him even and have a laugh with it! But don't feel weird. There's nothing wrong with your DH wanting to keep the car safe, or even know where you are. 😌

The car may come with built-in location tracking; it may not. An airtag isn't a bad thing; it's the potential misuse of it that is. However. For car safety, put it in. He can also see where you are driving from your phone location, so it's not new surveillance. I get the stairs and need to monitor the front door, let him. He will get bored of it all. The calendars, strangely, if he puts all his appointments in there, you should too. I get him saying it's not in the diary. If he retired from a corporate job, he would be used to using a calendar and scheduling. The first time you arrange to do something and he announces he has other arrangements (not the diary) you will see why he says it. We live in a tracked world. If you dont do anything you shouldn't then dont fret.

Eh? This is nonsense the airtags are tied to your Apple account.

I have actually put an AirTag in my car, for two reasons, track it is stolen and to easily find it in a massive car park.

I have AirTags in my bags, again to track them if stolen.

If what you claim is true, my phone would be flashing all the time when it's near other airtags, and other iPhones would be going off near my airtags.

This is a very good plan

Generally I think having an air tag hidden in your cab is a great idea. A friend of mine recovered her stolen car this way- the thieves had stripped out the official tracker + electrics but hadn’t found the AirTag.

Very easy for thieves to remove these.

We have an AirTag in my DH's car as a deterrent if it is stolen. It's my airtag, but I've shared it with him so he can access it.

The car has an app too, which also shows its location. On top of that, we have an official tracker on the car too. The AirTag is there to either try and deter thieves or to fool them into thinking they've found the one and only tracker on the car.

The air tag and the car app often show the car in different places. For example, right now, the airtag shows the car is at home, but the app shows my DH is at work! They're not very reliable IMO.

If you're concerned that he's using it to track you, you could always suggest you put an airtag attached to your phone only in the car. If it's really about it being stolen, he should be happy with only you being able to access it. If he insists he has to do it, there's your answer.

I'm about to get a new car that will also be more susceptible to theft, so I will be doing the same things and sharing my airtag and app, etc, with him too.

Added to this:

Yes, other iPhones can detect your AirTag as part of Apple's anti-stalking security feature
, sending you an alert if an unknown AirTag seems to be traveling with you over time; this happens automatically if the AirTag is separated from its owner and moves with you, using the Find My network to alert you.
How it Works

1. Find My Network: AirTags use Bluetooth, and your iPhone (and other Apple devices) are part of the anonymous, encrypted Find My network, relaying the AirTag's location to its owner.
2. Anti-Stalking Alerts: If an AirTag not paired with your Apple ID moves with you for a period, your iPhone will notify you that an "Unknown AirTag" is with you, preventing unwanted tracking.
3. Notifications: You'll see an alert on your device, and the AirTag might play a sound to help you find it.
4. Precision Finding: If you have a newer iPhone, you can use Precision Finding to get directions to the unknown AirTag.

It is true and not as many people are using AirTags as you think. My BIL is one of these obsessive taggers and our phones all flash up whenever he is in the room 🤣

OP - fuck that. You’re letting him think he’s the boss of the house. He controls the doors, the heating, the cars, the calendar, monitors where you are going and when.

Ignorance is not an excuse. Sit down and log in to every smart gadget that controls your home. Tell him you absolutely will not tolerate being monitored by some sad bastard with a laptop and he needs to stop obsessively watching the camera feed and get a fucking life.

He's not hiding these things and actually good additional security measures, better to use proper card GPS tracker than airtag though.

The real issue is whether you think he will be using to track and monitor your movements? We have finy my find for family, but don't use it for tracking purposes.

I posted a further point (from Google).

As an anti-stalking method, others will only be alerted if the airtag is moving with you and is not paired/within distance of the owner's phone.

So you will be alerted if someone has dropped an airtag in your pocket/bag. But for instance out in public I have my phone and my bag, others are not alerted to my airtag because it is within range of my phone.

This

This.

I have used trackers to locate someone after they had an accident. Not sure what we would have done without it.

Tracker might be useful for helping you remember where you parked the car or in other uses so just ask for the tracker to be linked to your phone and then surely everyone has what they want.

I’ll be honest you have to go with your gut feeling, if it feels off it probably is off.

Putting an AirTag in a car isn’t something out of the ordinary and I was going to put one in mine. Realistically the police do nothing with car thefts, unless they are found or recovered somehow they barely look into it. It’s an easier way to be able to tell them there whereabouts if it isn’t found by the thief.

however as I said gut feeling says no so no.

have you told him you feel watched with the CCTV, it might just be an odd obsession with security but won’t know unless you ask?

I'd say you can use it but when I'm using the car I'm taking it out. I'm not being surveilled like a bloody deliveroo rider with a starving drunk customer.