DH wants to put tracker/ AirTag in car WWYD?

[TrackerTracey]

Married nearly 30 years, all fine, no affairs or suspicions etc. However DH retired last year and in my opinion has too much time on his hands - constantly getting over involved in mine and the grown up children’s lives!

He is also big into tech and safety, and last year fitted a security camera at the front of the house which shows the front drive and cars etc. I have access to the app and live feed but I don’t have the set up codes or know how to access any recorded footage as that is all via his login and pc. At first it didn’t bother me, but I’ve become aware that he sits at his desk with the app open on screen so he can see comings and goings. He says it’s so he can see if parcels are being delivered, but occasionally he will comment about something else which makes me feel like we’re being watched (have a DS still living at home).

Anyway, we’re getting a new car and DH has announced that he wants to put an AirTag in it to track it in case it’s stolen. My initial reaction is that I don’t want this. It’s not that I’m likely to be going anywhere or doing anything bad, but I just don’t like the feeling of DH having this surveillance ability over my every move! And of course it will only work one way, because the AirTag will be logged to his device.

He says I’m overreacting and it’s just about safety in case the car is stolen, but I’m not happy about it. WWYD?

It sounds like you don't like the comments he makes when he looks at the data so it would be a no from me. However my husband and I both have find your iphone on on each other's devices so we are able to both track each other at all times anyway. But it doesn't bother me at all that he knows where I am, in fact I like it as if I'm at dinner and not responding he can just check that and know that I'm safe. Similarly, it's easy for me to check when he's on the way home from work so I can put dinner on. I think it very much depends on your relationship and his attitude towards the surveillance.

You are quite right, OP. It's completely unnecessary, and I consider any kind of tracking to be an absolute deal breaker in a relationship.

Oh no!! 😳😳😳

I would just get it on your account, to share it you have to add the person.

DH has one linked to my phone when he goes away on his hikes, if he is away longer than about 24 hrs because it is apart from my phone it does beep to alert him it is there. He hasn't got an iPhone.

I wouldn't like it either, being in a relationship doesn't mean you shouldn't have any privacy

I'd be fine with it as I know DH would never check but not in your situation. Just because he is your DH doesn't mean he should be this intrusive. The way you described him reminded me of Nick in The Feud.

I'd be tempted to go along with it then start taking weird routes everywhere just to mess with him.

If you couldn't get parked in Tesco car park for example so parked on a residential street for 3 hours on a Saturday morning he would likely be out of his mind with worry.

I have (by agreement!) a tracker on my adult son’s phone. This is for a specific reason related to his medical needs.

I have noticed that this has some very negative - distressing - psychological effects. I have to make an effort to stop myself from checking it excessively and from becoming very anxious when it sends me information. I think having it is unhealthy and would much prefer to dispense with it - but unfortunately we have agreed it probably is needed for now.

I think you need to have a talk with your H about the potential negative psychological effects of these devices in someone already prone to vigilance (which it sounds as though he is). He could go down an increasingly dark rabbit hole.

I would be very resistant to this in your position, given those likely psychological effects.

Was he this concerned about security prior to retiring?.

What is concerning is that you are not yourself aware of the full extent of his surveillance over his house
I would also consider a house move to a property with less floors.

Christ, this makes me glad I'm single! And not obsessed with safety and security. The idea that my children when grown would be seeking 'proof of life' updates from me if I were abroad when they are adults is just appalling to me. I have never and would never have any kind of tracking on my children's phones, they like me are entitled to privacy and to use their time as they see fit, within broad and sensible limits. This all seems so neurotic and suffocating.

It’s a good idea if you have a car that is attractive to car thieves. People have managed to find stolen cars using trackers.

We’ve got them but this is because we share both cars, park in very busy car parks often in random places and it helps find the cars. We can see each others phone location anyway so it doesn’t add any extra surveillance. I typically only look where he is if he’s later than expected, or to help time getting tea on the table for him and kids getting in weeknights.

The AirTag may struggle to send an accurate location unless there is an iPhone nearby. If you are relying on it for safety then he would be better off with an iPhone, or an Android equivalent of an AirTag.

Tell him great idea, you will acquire and set up the air tag on your phone. And make the data available should your car be stolen.

Going against the grain, I would say it wouldn't bother me and I can understand the reasoning behind it in case the car is stolen - I couldn't care less if DH knew my whereabouts, although it would not be of the slightest interest to him! You could always say that, if that is it's purpose, you don't want to have any discussions about anything else ie where you have been. I would be having a frank conversation with DH if he was becoming intense about tracking, etc, and/or would just tell him I don't want a running commentary on where I (or everyone) am or have been. It makes sense, if he works in the top of the house, for him to keep an eye on callers and again wouldn't bother me. His saying "it isn't in the diary" is another way of saying "I didn't know that" and, again, I don't see what's unreasonable about that if he's trying to make plans - as long as he's not getting angsty about it.

Updated to say that I would also be insisting on access codes to apps and to view footage. What if he was 'run over by a bus'? It shouldn't be a one-way street

Honestly I think it's just old man bored syndrome combined with inspector gadget. They get like that.

I have an AirTag (well Temu equivalent) in the car too in case of theft but i never check it. Think the other posters are correct, it’s not the AirTag as such, it’s the pre existing behaviour that’s the problem

Tell him that you will put one in and you will track it yourself if the car is stolen.

A lot of new cars already have the ability to get an App on your phone so you can monitor journeys, open and close the car remotely etc. So if you are getting a new car, tracking ability will already be available without having to install an AirTag.

I doubt he's doing it to be deliberately controlling of you personally. In our society there seem to be increasing numbers of paranoiaics who feel the need to keep their stuff under constant surveillance.

Fuck me-there no area where Mumsnet can’t be ageist??

Not just other iPhones but androids too.

Tbh OP I would just tell him that - it’s a bit redundant because people know they’re being tracked if there is an AirTag in the car. It can act as a deterrent though and make thieves ditch the car if it’s hidden very deep.

Personally, I grew up with tech so all this stuff is kind of the norm now. It’s not a flag in the way that he wants to track you, I think as you said he’s got too much time on his hands and is getting in to a deep hole of obsessing over this stuff. He needs a hobby (as he probably sees this as a hobby now) and something else to distract himself with.

Most new cars have built in trackers so no need for a air tag.