DH wants to put tracker/ AirTag in car WWYD?

[TrackerTracey]

Married nearly 30 years, all fine, no affairs or suspicions etc. However DH retired last year and in my opinion has too much time on his hands - constantly getting over involved in mine and the grown up children’s lives!

He is also big into tech and safety, and last year fitted a security camera at the front of the house which shows the front drive and cars etc. I have access to the app and live feed but I don’t have the set up codes or know how to access any recorded footage as that is all via his login and pc. At first it didn’t bother me, but I’ve become aware that he sits at his desk with the app open on screen so he can see comings and goings. He says it’s so he can see if parcels are being delivered, but occasionally he will comment about something else which makes me feel like we’re being watched (have a DS still living at home).

Anyway, we’re getting a new car and DH has announced that he wants to put an AirTag in it to track it in case it’s stolen. My initial reaction is that I don’t want this. It’s not that I’m likely to be going anywhere or doing anything bad, but I just don’t like the feeling of DH having this surveillance ability over my every move! And of course it will only work one way, because the AirTag will be logged to his device.

He says I’m overreacting and it’s just about safety in case the car is stolen, but I’m not happy about it. WWYD?

Well that's life 🤷‍♀️ however hard you fight against it.

If it's a brand new car he'll more than likely be able to track it anyway. My car app shows where my car is all the time. I found this out as i stormed away in a huff one time 😀

But yeah, he needs a hobby!

This is OTT in my opinion.

Before retiring he was working from home a good deal, so the front drive/door security camera was a good solution to the fact he was having to run up and downstairs during the working day to open the door to people flogging stuff / Jehovah’s Witnesses etc.
It was also in part because a neighbour had a (very expensive) car stolen further up the street.
DH set up the camera and software and I have the app, but not the admin codes, because frankly I wasn’t interested. There is no further ‘surveillance over the house’.

And no we’re not moving house, as the stairs keep us fit!

Your husband needs to get a life, or a job in surveillance. I heard Lidll is hiring staff to look at the screens to stop people from shoplifting.

A lot of new cars have trackers anyway, we all have find my iPhone so can see where everyone is. The AirTag in the car wouldn’t bother me.
A few years back though when we got our dog (now 6) my dh got a camera for the living room so we could check on her while out, this progressed into him talking to me through it and saying things like “having a nice rest are you” if I sat down for a bite to eat! The camera soon went, not putting up with being watched in my living room, felt weird.

If he wants one for security of the car, why don’t you get one and only register it to your phone. If the car was stolen you’d be able to see where it was from your phone. If he complains about that then point out to him that he doesn’t really want it for security of the vehicle, he just wants to use it to track you and you don’t want that.

I share my location with my husband and he can see mine. I can also see my mums location. I mostly use it to get an idea what time my husband will be home to cook supper. I do track my mum occasionally as she has early dementia, just to make sure she hasn’t forgotten appointments.

I don’t mind sharing my location with my husband but I know he only checks it occasionally. If he was constantly making comments about where I was it would annoy me. Not that I really go anywhere noteworthy.

My late DH used to be like this with out outside CCTV, constantly monitoring it. On occasions, while he was out, I'd unplug it and claim that there must have been a technical glitch 😂

With regards to the AirTag, if he's insistent then say you'll pair it with your phone so that you have the access to the data rather than him.

Only they are buying a new car with a tracking facility built in. They might not be.

Agree. Tags are just tools. The red flag is how you use them and what for. We have a car that we can both track via the app for it so in theory we could beadily watch where the other is and cross-examine each other about what we were doing where and why, but in practice we both forget that the app does that and just text each other for an ETA. We also have tags on our keys so we don't lose them but again we have to remind each other of that when we're looking for them in the morning. I would feel very differently about all of these things if I was in a relationship with someone who was constantly using them to track me and interrogate me.

Kindly, he needs to get a life.

Controlling behaviour whether it stems from anxiety, a lifestyle shift etc etc, isn't helpful in family dynamics or in his mental health going forward. He needs to get out of the house he is so dilligently protecting and monitoring.

If my DP wanted to do this, I wouldn’t be worried about him constantly tracking me as it wouldn’t really occur to him. I still can’t say I would particularly like it but I might go along with it if it would put his mind at ease. If he was like your DH and inclined towards keeping an eye on what’s happening in real time, then I would definitely refuse.

I'd be driving to a random street, parking (always picking a different random street) and then getting public transport - so he can't use the car and doesn't know where I am

Yes, my new car has come with a tracker but it's not one you can access, I presume police etc can. So he doesn't need to put an air tag in it if security is really all he's interested in....

oh and when he says what are you doing at x y z

tap the side of my nose and never ever reveal - as the car hasn't been stolen, I don't need to....

My car has a tracker in/on it. Luckily it’s never been stolen.

This is a DH problem. It would drive me up the wall and I’d probably do as a op said and go on different routes for ages to mess with his head.

I used to work for a divorce lawyers and though this never came up in our cases I wouldn’t be surprised if someone did use it.

I'd tell him to get a life and/or a job.

That’s your car. Why would he want to put an AirTag in your car?

The car the OP is buying might not come with a tracker.

This is definitely concerning. Did he have a job where he had a lot of power? It sounds like he is developing a controlling tendency (if he didn’t have one already that was being satiated elsewhere). He should be trying to keep it in check.

To be honest, even if he stopped commenting on what he’d seen on the camera you’d still know he was watching. The comments about the calendar would also bother me. I would definitely not agree to the AirTag - it sounds like an escalation of an already quite disturbing problem.

I wouldn't have a problem with this from a "car-stolen" point of view, but I'd make it clear that if he starts voicing ANY "opinions" on coming/goings and length of time taken for anything it will be being removed immediately.

.

I think this really depends on your relationship, because knowing if your partner is going to be in or out is really normal for lots of couples.

My DP doesn’t have controlling bone in his body. But I always let him know if I’m going to be out for a haircut, meeting friends for coffee etc. I have the opposite problem to you - he never bloody remembers 😂 Maybe I should set up a shared calendar 😂 DP isn’t that interested in going out and about much now as he has a disability but when he was, he always told me what he had planned too. Neither of us viewed it as “having to account for our movements” but then neither of us are controlling and we don’t have anything to hide. If he was commenting on what I was doing, or criticising the frequency it would be a different matter. I just see it as a common courtesy to let him know whether I’m going to be in or out. I know not every couple is like this but lots are.

We also share locations on our iPhones. The only time I switch it off is temporarily at Christmas/birthdays if I’m popping into a specific shop that would be a giveaway! DP uses it to check if I’m on my way home to come out and help carry shopping in/put on dinner etc. Or if it’s at night, to make sure I’m safe. I find it really reassuring tbh. I have autistic DC and recently they have been given iPhones. It’s REALLY helped them being able to my location if I’m out. DS in particular gets very anxious if I’m out if the house and being able to “see” me helps him. He often panics that I might be dead.

If my DP was commenting about every little thing I did I’d find it intrusive and would be inclined to switch my location sharing off. So I think lots depends on the attitude of the person using it.

Tbh, a lot of new cars do get stolen and an air tag seems a sensible idea to me.

As for calendars, we have a paper one on the wall still and both put everything on there. It's normal imo, if he wonders where I am, he can just look on the calendar and vice versa. Usually he would be wondering because he is asking if I want a cuppa.

Is this how male anxiety manifests? Maybe he needs more than golf clubs maybe sedation?

we have a tesla (from before Elon became a proven nazis) and you can always see the location. Never bothers me and is quite handy when you're wondering when someone will be back

I think the last paragraph is the important bit. If my DH suggested getting an air tag to keep the car safe it wouldn’t be a red flag because he’s not already controlling.

We have a shared whiteboard calendar and I regularly don’t write things down on it because I don’t always know if plans are definite straight away. If my DH said “do you want to go for lunch on Sunday?” and I said “oh I’m supposed to meet a friend for coffee” he would go “oh ok” not “oh, well it wasn’t on the calendar”. It changes the tone and the reason for the sharing of the info imo.