DH wants to put tracker/ AirTag in car WWYD?

[TrackerTracey]

Married nearly 30 years, all fine, no affairs or suspicions etc. However DH retired last year and in my opinion has too much time on his hands - constantly getting over involved in mine and the grown up children’s lives!

He is also big into tech and safety, and last year fitted a security camera at the front of the house which shows the front drive and cars etc. I have access to the app and live feed but I don’t have the set up codes or know how to access any recorded footage as that is all via his login and pc. At first it didn’t bother me, but I’ve become aware that he sits at his desk with the app open on screen so he can see comings and goings. He says it’s so he can see if parcels are being delivered, but occasionally he will comment about something else which makes me feel like we’re being watched (have a DS still living at home).

Anyway, we’re getting a new car and DH has announced that he wants to put an AirTag in it to track it in case it’s stolen. My initial reaction is that I don’t want this. It’s not that I’m likely to be going anywhere or doing anything bad, but I just don’t like the feeling of DH having this surveillance ability over my every move! And of course it will only work one way, because the AirTag will be logged to his device.

He says I’m overreacting and it’s just about safety in case the car is stolen, but I’m not happy about it. WWYD?

Insist that you have full access to all the surveillance items on your own phone. Tell him that you will not be answering questions about where you went/how long you spent there and if he tries the surveillance devices will be removed.

”…Occasionally he will comment about something else which makes
me feel like we’re being watched.” This is the real concern here. Do you mean that there could be a camera somewhere in the home that your husband has not disclosed to you? Because that is disturbing and possibly criminal.

I don’t think you should worry about this in the way that you are , but I do think you should be worried about your DH and trying to encourage him into getting a more fulfilling hobby . It’s quite common I think for people who retire to start watching everyone else - I know my parents definitely did. DH is a bit like this now he’s been wfh for a few years … too much time on his hands - my DH took up running so he’s obsessive about that instead !

Obviously if this is only part of the picture and he’s got a history of causing you concern that’s different .

Car is not particularly high end and we live in very safe cul-de-sac!

It’s just part and parcel of a wider problem habit he has I think.
Since he retired he always wanted us to share our calendars, which I am fine with in so far as it relates to who is in for dinner, or to make evening plans to meet friends, but not down to the detail of if I have a haircut or arrange a coffee with friends etc.
If he suggests going out for lunch and I say I can’t as I’m meeting friends or going shopping he says “oh that wasn’t in the diary” which irritates me as I don’t feel I should have to account for my every move.

You can both track the air tag. We have one and can both see the location.

Well, it's either just having a lot of time on his hands, about genuine safety reasons or unreasonable trust issues. You can easily test which one, by saying that fine, let's have the air tag on your car if the app that controls/has access it is in your phone instead of his. If it is about safety in case it gets stolen or something, he will not care whose phone it's linked to.

I would most certainly ask about how he feels about his free time, though. A more constructive hobby would benefit not just him...everyone around him, it seems.

How is an unknown AirTag a deterrent unless there’s a big sign somewhere saying “hidden AirTag onboard!!” 😭

I would be having a very firm word. No to camera- that needs to go and no to airtag. Tell him in no uncertain terms it's completely unacceptable and he needs to get a life.

I was saying that in response to it being known, as the poster I responded to said that anyone with an Apple device will be told that it is being tracked. So if the thief has an Apple phone, they can see if there’s an Apple tag in the car, thus they know that their location can be seen and passed on to the police for tracking.

Exactly. It’s a wife tracker, not a car tracker.

No, I don’t mean that at all - I just meant about the camera at the front of the house. Things like commenting on what time someone came home or something like ‘did you go food shopping, I saw you come home with lots of bags’.

This seems like the best solution and also nicely calls his bluff

I've got DH on Life360 (not that he takes his phone with him when he goes out) and a camera on the front door, and indeed the cat has an airtag on too - the thing is it's not an obsession, anyone else can log in, and I'm not constantly going on about it, unlike your DH would!

Me and my brother stuck an airtag in our parents luggage when they went on holiday recently, which was helpful as they managed to turn off the data on their phones at the same time they were in a hostel without wifi and stopped sending proof of life photos. Again, neither of us were constantly tracking them and it was for peace of mind only.

If there is a genuine security need for an AirTag in the car, he won’t mind if you put one in and have it linked to your own phone not his. If he insists he has to be able to track it, then it’s not about security.

We can look at each other’s location through FindMy as we’re set up as a family (although it can be slow to update), and occasionally if the kids are ignoring my messages I’ll do the ‘play sound’ to make them respond, but if I thought tracking my location was becoming a hobby, or if it was being used by a controlling partner, I’d be locking down my location with no access to anyone.

Aren’t most new cars fitted with trackers as standard…I know mine is.

I think as long as you know WHERE in the car it is, it's OK. Then if you don't want to be tracked, you can take it out and leave it at home.

But there is no way I'd accept him tracking me without telling me where the tag is. He's not your jailer / guard.

I’m not sure having the AirTag linked to just my account helps as apparently up to five people can have access to it, so he will still be able to track it/me? Or are we saying I wouldn’t grant him access?

I have no interest in tracking him and the car though, except in an emergency obviously.
I’m less bothered by the front drive camera tbh and isn’t that just like a ring doorbell which everyone has these days?

OP

re your comment on your H
"Things like commenting on what time someone came home or something like ‘did you go food shopping, I saw you come home with lots of bags’.

That is not good at all. He would have seen this via the PC and he's likely been sitting there at his desk monitoring all comings and goings. Does he rarely leave the house?.

Controlling behaviour is abusive behaviour OP no two ways about it.

I don't see any harm in the tracker, but I'd be worried that his new hobby is something so obsessive. This sort of tendency doesn't improve with age. Buy him some golf clubs or something 🤣

The issue isn't the air tag it's that he will be constantly checking. Thats would be so fucking unbearably annoying. As someone else up thread posted if this is just about security then agree to the airtag on your phone only.

Me and dh have each other's location on maps. DH never checks on me ever I don't think but I like to know he can should something happen and hes worried. I use it to see when he's almost home so I can make a brew for him (but i tell him its so I can make sure my boyfriends gone)

I use air tags - have one in my car (which was useful when I left the car at airport parking drop off, because I could see where they actually took the car for the week) and on my keys in case I leave them somewhere. Also have one inside the lining of each suitcase so I can see whether they’ve made it onto the plane. I haven’t gone as far as attaching any to my children 😝

I’m not particularly bothered about my family knowing my location. Clearly these devices and tracking apps have the potential to be very harmful in some relationships. I also have friends in healthy relationships who refuse to have tracking apps on principle.

I would be perfectly content if these things didn’t exist at all. But they do, so I am happy to use them…

"I’m less bothered by the front drive camera tbh and isn’t that just like a ring doorbell which everyone has these days?"

Well yes but your H is in addition using this to monitor all comings and goings from your home. You are all being watched by him and these were never intended to be used as actual monitoring devices. With technology advancing, so is the potential for it to be used in domestic abuse as a form of controlling and emotionally abusive behaviour.

I disagree. We had our car stolen last year and the first thing that the police said to us was "do you have an airtag / tracker in it?".

It's what they recommend these days....

If you are not going anywhere you dont want partner to know about then what does it matter?

If you really can’t see why, l suggest you have to look at any of the numerous threads on MN from women in abusive and controlling/coercive relationships.

The red flags aren’t solely for the air tag. Look at what else OP is saying. He’s sitting at his desk continually monitoring the camera he has set up. Only he has access to the app controlling it. Big, waving red flags.