DH wants to put tracker/ AirTag in car WWYD?

[TrackerTracey]

Married nearly 30 years, all fine, no affairs or suspicions etc. However DH retired last year and in my opinion has too much time on his hands - constantly getting over involved in mine and the grown up children’s lives!

He is also big into tech and safety, and last year fitted a security camera at the front of the house which shows the front drive and cars etc. I have access to the app and live feed but I don’t have the set up codes or know how to access any recorded footage as that is all via his login and pc. At first it didn’t bother me, but I’ve become aware that he sits at his desk with the app open on screen so he can see comings and goings. He says it’s so he can see if parcels are being delivered, but occasionally he will comment about something else which makes me feel like we’re being watched (have a DS still living at home).

Anyway, we’re getting a new car and DH has announced that he wants to put an AirTag in it to track it in case it’s stolen. My initial reaction is that I don’t want this. It’s not that I’m likely to be going anywhere or doing anything bad, but I just don’t like the feeling of DH having this surveillance ability over my every move! And of course it will only work one way, because the AirTag will be logged to his device.

He says I’m overreacting and it’s just about safety in case the car is stolen, but I’m not happy about it. WWYD?

Unless he is with holding access codes etc then I don't see any of this as red flags.

I despise tracking of any sort especially the Life360 type stuff.

We now live in a world where obsession has set in with many people and they require information overload.

Nope!!

Tell him he needs to find a real hobby that’s not obsessing over tracking people.

I get this 100%

We have a (old fashioned paper style) kitchen calendar. I write on it everything that materially affects dh, and anything we are doing together. Like you, I don't put coffee meet ups with a friend, my pilates class or a haircut on it. And like you, I'm sometimes met with the response 'but it isn't on the calendar'.

I patiently explain - again - that I only put things on there that concern us both or have an impact on household timings, or use of vehicles. And I carry on as before. I will not share every coming and going with him.

We shared our phone locations once when we were on a big family holiday with adult dcs - it was really helpful for arranging meet ups when we'd been doing different activities. But as soon as I was home I took it off.

I think it stems from my childhood / teenage years when I had to account to my parents for where I was and for how long, and why did it take me 30 minutes to get back from the library rather than 7. To be fair, in those days I probably was up to no good!! It was bliss to leave home and not have that accountability, beyond common decency and good manners in letting people know if I'd be in for meals or staying away.

The cctv would bother me more than the car tracker. I have two trackers in my car. However my DH doesn’t have access to them. You could say ok to a tracker, but get a proper one - managed on an external database by a company, linked to the police. You don’t need access to it yourself.

An AirTag would be useless because it would be removed by the thief. So useless anyway. Tell him he can organise one but it’s got to be through tracker network or similar.

I don’t even know where the trackers in my car are!! They come out and install them. My insurance insisted on them or they wouldn’t cover me.

Honestly retirement doesn’t suit some people !!he needs to get a life

how big a problem is car theft anyway these days and if you have insurance then isn’t this enough

On it’s one, I can see the value of an AirTag on an expensive new car. If you’re not comfortable, you’re not.

These days you always know when parcels are going to be delivered via messages on your phone etc. no need to monitor the front door. Yes, AirTag invasion of privacy, even if you’re just going to Tesco😫

Just agree but YOU get the tracker not dh, same security without the snoop

Actually, you can get your own AirTag linked to your own account.

My car has an AirTag and it’s great for when I forget where I parked it.

I don’t see anything wrong with trackers used for the right reasons. I don’t agree with spying or stalking people with them. Plenty of cars come with anti theft trackers anyway and nobody seems to see them in the same way.

Have a car stolen is a major pain in the bum, insurance or not.

We have multiple air tags in the car, hidden in a variety of ways.

we have air tags on all our house keys and we all have access . My entire family has all our phones on find my.

I can honestly say, I completely trust my husband and him me. Tracking our possessions such as keys and cars is really useful. I barely look at it tbh unless I have misplaced my phone or keys or my family are off on their bikes .

The use of trackers within a family/relationship is really only acceptable with full disclosure and consent. Bottom line here is if you don't want it - it doesn't happen. He HAS to respect that.

The comprimise here is that if he really is concerned about secuity and vehicle theft then you agreed to pay for a tracking device and/or service via a third party security provider.

Tell him it's a great idea but you're mindful you've not been picking up any slack on the security front so will put that right by taking ownership of the car air tag. If it's ever stolen you'll be happy to share the location details with him, otherwise, you've got it handled and no need for him to get involved.

Not read the whole thread, but want to point out airtags don’t have to be tied to a single device. We use them on our suitcases for foreign travel and all the family can see where they are on our iphones due to family sharing.

this is a good shout

This works if you're part of a well adjusted family/group full of people who can respect boundaries.

Unfortunately that's not always the case. And OPs husband has shown his hand by openly (unnecessarily) monitoring every coming and going at the home.

Would be a no from me

I wouldn’t worry about an airtag in the car, I think it’s quite sensible. I would be more worried about the time he’s spending on surveilling things in general. Let him get on with it. Would it be OK to let him know when you have things booked in with friends, if he’s looking to plan things with you? Do you find it suffocating, or do you feel judged, or do you just miss feeling more independent and perhaps less responsible for his happiness than you do now he’s retired?

100% but that is a bigger marriage issue surely? It isn’t really to do with the tracker itself. I couldn’t be in a marriage where something like this is an issue

I would say 'no' in no uncertain terms. Whether you or he view his behaviour as controlling or not, it does seem to be escalating. And I agree that you don't have to account for how you spend your time.

If your car gets stolen, it gets stolen. That's part of the reason for insurance. Buy a steering wheel lock, so it's harder to steal. So what if an AirTag shows him where it is? It's not going to force police to go and pick it up. And if it's the type of car that's stolen for parts, it will be scap within 30min.

Oh dear he sounds like my DH! Always getting involved with me and DC stuff.Anyway I would veto the car alarm ,

Can he turn off the tracking unless and until the car gets stolen? Can you get him to promise not to track you?

Have we had the “I need a tracker for my family so I know when to put the kettle on” yet?

Say fine, but it can be linked to your phone/account, if it's your car why would you link it to his phone? The watching the door cam is weird, I wouldn't be happy.

My husband's rele was married just over 30 years, her husband started behaving similarly, watching her every move (he had no need to), tracking her phone/car etc, long story short they got divorced in the end. I'm not sure if it was a mental health thing, midlife crisis or just boredom due to retirement but his behaviour eventually drove her away. Who knows there was probably other stuff, but it was the final straw. He continued to stalk her after they broke up, a real mess as they have grown up children caught up in it.

I think you need to have a serious talk with your husband about his behaviour and how it makes you (and your child still at home) feel.