My husband got a CCJ

[LucyLoo1972]

Its a long story that I wont go into but my husband being so frugal contributed to me having a mental breakdown that nearly killed me. He woulnt let us spend money on essential things even though we had over £100 K in savings.i needed to spend £600 on something vital to take the pressure off my phd submission and he refused.

I used to pay all the bills and deal with anything financial before my breakdwon becasue he couldnt be arsed to do anything financial. we never had joint accounts so all this extra money just accrued in his current account.

after I had the breakdwon I got a parking fine because I was sitting crying in a car park becasue I lost everything I ever worked for. even my physical health too. id Orem form a background of trauma and poverty and got a phd from an elite university and was producing world class research.

well try car is registered in my husbands name and he received the car park fine notice. He dismissed it and said they were hackers when all the reminders to pay were coming and threatening a county court judgement if he didnt pay. I have no clue why but he didnt pay and got a CCJ when he has around £100K in the bank.

I know I know. it is ridiculous and I also realise ive been a victim of financial abuse as well as other forms of abuse.

but how bad is this? what does it mean for us? I know it has already impacted our ability to borrow from our mortgage savings pot as our lender wrote to us and told us this.

I dont have nay income now becsue I cant owl and we lost earnings over nine years for me since I got sick as I had a good job to go to.

the Airbnb is a good idea. ive found one that may work.

ive organised the volunteering.

ive been truly shocked by the responses because honestly the CCJ is a tiny teeny thing in all the things that have happened. it truly is. I cant really express how small it is.

the real sticking point is that my thoughts are terrifying becasue I had delusions.

if my mind was strait I could be ok in my own. for reasons I don fully understand, I cant watch tv or read so being in a place on my own is scry to me becasue I dont have the full life I ahd anymore. I didn't even think it was a distraction from childhood trauma my busy life. its bizarre though becasue in all this breakdown things from childhood have never come back to me.

it was only in therapy that they raised questions about my marriage.

It was only in therapy that they raised questions about my marriage.

Well, good for that therapist!

I, too, had an impressive breakdown. I was in my early forties, with a glorious career and social life which, while not world-class like yours, was a million miles from what I'd been raised to expect and which did, in many ways, yield the life I had always wanted.

I was being badly bullied, in different ways, by my boss and my husband. My confidence was broken. In therapy, I discovered that my childhood had been abusive (not just 'a bit strict' as I thought) and that I'd chosen different flavours of abusers as partners and best friends. I was shocked but it made sense.

I'd heard the theory that we seek to replay unresolved issues in our adult relationships, in some kind of doomed attempt to rewrite our past. It turned out that it goes deeper than that: my childhood had taught me I was undeserving, that my role is to appease sad bullies, and that I had a duty to share whatever assets I had. I'm over-summarising, obviously. To summarise even further, I was trained to be a cheerful sacrifice to those who required it of me.

This explained everything. I broke down because the dual bullies would not be appeased or satisfied - and because I hadn't understood that this was what I was trying to do. I grasped that I needed to step out of this cyclical pattern, yet lacked the tools to live any other way. The next ten years were taken up with therapy in which I learned, basically, who I really am and what normal relationship expectations look like.

It's incredibly hard work - some of it feels like living in a horror movie (!) as you learn to reframe your own, personal experiences through a lens of self-compassion. If you do the work, though, you come out wise and I'm not afraid to apply that word to myself.

I don't have a happy ending for you. I lost my career, my home, my friendships and much of my health. However, I don't think I could've continued living in denial: it had to break eventually. I like being wise 😁 and I am, despite my very reduced circumstances and capacities, content. This isn't something I'd experienced before; I used to think contentment was a consolation prize. Now I don't care if it is!

Get your rental. Buy a book on self-compassion and do the exercises. Play music. Perhaps experiment with different foods, even with changing your look. Do the volunteering. Keep going to therapy. Find out who you are, and love yourself for it

thank you for sharing all of this!

I was 44 when I broke down - I believe hormones were an issue for me but no doctor has ever taken that seriously - what a surprise!

I have actually changed my look quite a bit - I used to wear very plain and black clothes to not be seen - now I wear creative and colourful dresses and had my hair chopped to a bob and got my ears pierced too which my husband never wanted.

was your breakdown psychotic or delusional - thats the hardest bit for me because I had delusions which were basically about me being a horrific person and having done something terribly morally wrong in my research which renders me worse than guards at Auchwitz and since nine years ago I have not had one single normal thought and thats why I cant get backup. if I had my mind and sanity I could do anything

I agree I dont tihnk this could be held down forever. it was always going to explode at some point.

funnily enough I was also being bullied in academia at the same time - there were many many many factors of stress. and I didnt believe I was worth investing in myself ot reduce any of that stress.

I never thought about my childhood trauma. I didn't think I was traumatised. even though I know now I ahd 8/10 on the ACE scale.

I was in a toxic religious environment to which denigrated women.

my problem is that a lot of what I think was the authentic me was connected to what I was doing in my research -- it was the passion of my life because it was uncovering ways in which people like me were excluded in the church.

did your breakdown last a long time and do you mind me asking what triggered it?

I look back and love the person I was before but I find it too hard ot love the me I am now. I hate I lost everything and have caused os much pain fro those around me.

Yes, I empathise with everything you're saying, @LucyLoo1972.

Shiny, capable, successful 'me' was easier to like, I think. Now I like me as I am - and I think 'shiny me' would like me, too. I am superficially very different but still the same person. Too complex to explain on a forum.

You asked about triggers. A lot of things went wrong at once: there were deaths; my health had started to decline but I put it down to ageing; work became much more difficult with the bully; my awful marriage broke down. I believed I could make anything work out well and it wasn't happening. You know how sci-fi loves a 'rift in reality' or a clash of dimensions? That happened, only the rift was in my constructed self.

I didn't have any major psychosis, a couple of glitches. I was lucky (in a way, considering) that I booked myself straight into therapy and stopped fighting it. Most of my so-called delusions turned out to be true. My husband really was shagging around like a crazed thing, he really did stalk me, my boss really did wipe my workstation computer. My therapist helped me to work through these vexed issues with necessary detachment.

I doubt it's possible to unravel and repair these problems while still living half-in, half-out of the construct. It's definitely worth giving your apartment plan a go. bear in mind you don't need to construct another self: the idea is to stop, listen to your inner you, and learn.

I'm going to repeat: self-compassion.

gosh. -you ve been through some awful times too.

I know it seems hard to believe becasue clearly there were issues but my husband wasn't abusive ot awful as yours was. he was difficult to live with for sure. but he wasn't malicious I dont believe.

soem of the similar things around the workplace and my delusions like yours did prove to be true. it is a long story but I was hyper vigilant and sensed soemthing was afoot and it really was in a huge and terribel way which I cant speak about on a forum becasue it relates to soemthing very big (and thats not a delusion and I wish it was!).

I think perimenopuse was a factor for me. the deaths and trauma form those I have suffered hadn't happened for me by that point.

I think you won't get mh back until you leave this dreadful man. You can go back to your former self once you bin him off and get your half too.

Part of the problem is you and your past and childhood. It’s not fair to throw everything on him and blame him for it all. There’s also nothing wrong with one person sorting the bills and paperwork for the house out it’s genuinely how it works . But in your situation you think he’s abusing you so why aren’t you leaving ? What steps are you making to go back to work? Are you on medication etc? You don’t like him not giving you money but you aren’t working. It doesn’t have to be your original type of work since that stressed you out so much. There’s always plenty of office jobs or supermarket/retail jobs calling for staff. Are you applying for this because if you separate from your husband you’ll need a job to pay your bills and clearly you can’t go back to the job you had before.

Sorry - was meant to start a new post

I’m prepared to be proved wrong-but aren’t parking violations dealt with in the Magistrates Court, which don’t issue CCJs and therefore don’t affect your credit score?

So you haven't worked for 9 years but you are panicking/getting angry about your dh getting a CCJ. It sounds like you are the one that is totally unable to function in every day life, not him. Of course you are unable to leave him because you are totally reliant on him and unable to function without him. Does your psychologist have a credible plan for getting you back into work or at least getting you to a functional place? You might be considering finding a new psychologist because 9 years is a long time to not be getting any better.

The CCJ is for the unpaid fine and/or court fees.

Im wondering whether you can imagine a new life for yourself.

Think about somewhere that you would really like to live - a small cottage by the sea or a flat in London where you can go to the theatre or in Oxford where you can spend time in the museums. Somewhere small and snug.

Then think about a small, cosy, easy job which you would enjoy. Working in a bookshop, serving in a cafe, dog walking etc.

Think about a hobby that would get you out of the house. A book group or a walking group or a regular yoga class or an art space.

Im wondering whether you can envisage a new life for yourself which is smaller, cosy, comfortable.

If so, I’m wondering whether you could try it out for three months. Not a big dramatic leaving of your husband but just three months alone to try living a nice, cosy, comfortable life.

And after 3 months see how you feel? What works and what doesn’t. What you would like to change.

I would not discount your childhood trauma but you did get to a better place than you are now.
Your posts show that your husband is dysfunctional, uncaring and abusive.
That is not a safe space or a place of healing.
You really do deserve better. You need time on your own to reflect and rejuvenate before you can begin to heal.

I think the childhood trauma made me see him as a knight in shining armour and accept bad behaviour and I was so conflict avoidant I didnt challenge anything.

I got to an amazing place but I thought he was a huge part of my happiness. I only questioned that when practical thigns made life so difficult and stressful my mind totally broke.

thank you. all that sounds lovely. im live not far from the sea and im actually going to view a place there tomorrow and I have a small business idea that may work for a life like that.

its hard because my old work and living a frenetic life was what I loved but I see I was maybe running away from things.

my husabnd and I had a lot of the set loves in life like art and music and vulture and I loved going to galleries with him. he was so neurotic though that life was very stressful.

I used to spend so much time in London and I cant even bear to go back there now. I loved it and we used to soak pall the future.

I’m glad you’ve seen somewhere that you want to live, that’s brilliant.

I personally don’t think it’s all or nothing. If you set yourself up with an easier, less stressful living situation, job and hobbies. And in a year you feel like you need more then brilliant.

But I don’t think it will be possible to go straight from where you are now back to that high stress busy energetic lifestyle. So I think that you need a halfway step, a life which you enjoy as it is, and which you value. Something that you can build on.

Good luck!

im not sure yet - just begun looking around really. its hard when my mental health is so so bad and I dont mean depression and anxiety - I mean strange delusional thoughts so I dont think straight at all. I tihnk this is why I post asking on mumsnaet becsue I dont really know what its real or not sometime aobut me and the situation that ive got to.

I devoted a lot of time to 'grounding'. In case this is unfamiliar to you, it's nothing more than connecting with the real world as it is, at the moment. It means things like feeling the sensation of your feet on the ground, inhaling and noticing the scents of the air, watching how a bird pecks for food, kicking some leaves and hearing the sounds, feeling the textures of bark and bricks, appreciating the joy of children at play, savouring the food or drink in your mouth - consciously and thoughtfully connecting your senses to the details of everyday.

This is a nourishing practice for everyone. When your mind's forgotten the habit of relating to the world - as part of the world - it's foundational. It's how babies develop their sense of 'being'.

There's nothing wrong with narrating it to yourself, out loud or in your head. I sometimes have minor hallucinations as part of my health issue. When it happens, I might talk to myself, something like "I'm hearing choral music. It's unlikely: what am I hearing? Seems repetitive, probably not real. Is the radio on? Nope. Is it outside my flat? Not specifically. What else am I hearing? Boiler, air purifier, washing machine. Ah - no choir. Okay, thanks for that little misdirection, mind!"

I don't want to overload you with thoughts of what you "should" do. In fact, I'm suggesting that simplicity is healthful. Respect your need for a stepwise return to mental balance.

If you're having unbidden, intrusive thoughts that seem to block out everything else - the above still holds, but you might also need to see your doctor in case your meds could do with adjustment.

thank you. I do try to do this grounding practices. it is odd becasue I actually notice things around me know in the world more than I did before my breakdwon. my psychologist has suggested it is possible that I was in some form of dissociative state all my life since childhood - and thats why I almost see things more now, like notice leaves and such. as an academic I was also very much in my head rather than my body and my husabnd is the same actually.

I have never had hallucinations or voices just delusions. there was a strong religious element to everything for me as I was a very committed Christian and a minister for 20 years and had been having a lot of struggles in my faith running up to my breakdwon. I had truly horrific religious delusions around my having doen soemthing terribly wrong.

I am goign ot ask for a medication review becasue honestly I believe my medication maybe making me more unwell.

I was a very imaginative and creative perosn and honestly I think this shifted from being a blessing to a curse.

I didn't have children and this was a source of great sorrow and I also believe it meant I was less grounded to the physical body.

but honestly I felt very happy so im so confused ot be so unwell for so long. Sometimes I think everythign with my husabnd is a red herring.

I'm very sorry that religion was such a confounding force in your life. As you know, it lends itself very well to delusions of guilt and unfounded fear.

Medication review might not be a bad idea 🙂

Again...

sorry - what do you mean?

yes - I thought I was aware of its dangers because I took a critical stance as a sociologist of religion in my academic work although I maintained my faith although the tensions I felt increasingly were a huge factor in my breakdown. I was experiencing huge cognitive dissonance. my psychologist thankfully has a lot of experience with spiritual and religious abuse. I was in topic religious environments for sure.