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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband got a CCJ

177 replies

LucyLoo1972 · 20/01/2026 03:03

Its a long story that I wont go into but my husband being so frugal contributed to me having a mental breakdown that nearly killed me. He woulnt let us spend money on essential things even though we had over £100 K in savings.i needed to spend £600 on something vital to take the pressure off my phd submission and he refused.

I used to pay all the bills and deal with anything financial before my breakdwon becasue he couldnt be arsed to do anything financial. we never had joint accounts so all this extra money just accrued in his current account.

after I had the breakdwon I got a parking fine because I was sitting crying in a car park becasue I lost everything I ever worked for. even my physical health too. id Orem form a background of trauma and poverty and got a phd from an elite university and was producing world class research.

well try car is registered in my husbands name and he received the car park fine notice. He dismissed it and said they were hackers when all the reminders to pay were coming and threatening a county court judgement if he didnt pay. I have no clue why but he didnt pay and got a CCJ when he has around £100K in the bank.

I know I know. it is ridiculous and I also realise ive been a victim of financial abuse as well as other forms of abuse.

but how bad is this? what does it mean for us? I know it has already impacted our ability to borrow from our mortgage savings pot as our lender wrote to us and told us this.

I dont have nay income now becsue I cant owl and we lost earnings over nine years for me since I got sick as I had a good job to go to.

OP posts:
Original poster
LucyLoo1972 · 20/01/2026 10:24

ObladiObladah · 20/01/2026 10:16

I’m sympathetic. I wondered why didn’t you use your mum’s inheritance to pay for the transcriptions? Perhaps that was timing if your mum died recently, I am sorry for your loss.

Yes - my mum only died five years after I got unwell. this has gone on so long it makes me want to die the whole mess it is.

we had plenty of money - I just need him to transfer os over but he never gets round to anything and thinks things like that are a waste of money becasue theoretically I can do it. but it nearly cost me ly life and has cost me everything I worked for

OP posts:
Enrichetta · 20/01/2026 10:35

LucyLoo1972 · 20/01/2026 08:38

how is ut being frittered away?

Show quote history

im using my mums inheritance for the past three years to pay horrific amounts for theraoy which cant bring my life back.

Your words.

Whilst I agree that therapy is extremely useful, you seem to have been doing this for years, without getting to a point where you can take concrete steps to help yourself get out of this abusive relationship. Surely you must know by now that this will never get better?

Yes, it is scary, but you will feel more in control of yourself and your life with him gone, so focus on that, rather than fretting about his CCJ.

So I would suggest that you use your inheritance to put down a deposit and first month’s rent for a place of your own. You will be able to think more clearly and take steps to regain what he has eroded over the past however many years.

Continue therapy but focus on concrete goals. And divorce him, making sure you get what is due to you. Divorce for Dummies would be a good start. (Not suggesting you are a dummy - it is a very useful guide…)

Enrichetta · 20/01/2026 10:35

LucyLoo1972 · 20/01/2026 08:38

how is ut being frittered away?

Show quote history

im using my mums inheritance for the past three years to pay horrific amounts for theraoy which cant bring my life back.

Your words.

Whilst I agree that therapy is extremely useful, you seem to have been doing this for years, without getting to a point where you can take concrete steps to help yourself get out of this abusive relationship. Surely you must know by now that this will never get better?

Yes, it is scary, but you will feel more in control of yourself and your life with him gone, so focus on that, rather than fretting about his CCJ.

So I would suggest that you use your inheritance to put down a deposit and first month’s rent for a place of your own. You will be able to think more clearly and take steps to regain what he has eroded over the past however many years.

Continue therapy but focus on concrete goals. And divorce him, making sure you get what is due to you. Divorce for Dummies would be a good start. (Not suggesting you are a dummy - it is a very useful guide…)

MegMez · 20/01/2026 10:40

Leave him. He is making things worse. He's taken financial advantage of you in the past when you were paying all the bills and he was living like some kind of princess just accruing some magical free £100k in his bank that he wouldn't allow you to touch. That's financial abuse. Leave him. That £100k would pay for our house, we'd be mortgage free. I know your MH isn't in a good place but leaving him would bring you so much more peace. His incompetence and laziness is why he's got a CCJ. I've buried my head in the sand about stressful financial things in the past but do you know when the stress lifts and that sweet sweet relief hits? When I call the credit card people or the car park people and just bloody sort it out. Is there anyone else in your life who could help you at this stage? Your parents, close friends? This guy isn't helping you. He's making your MH worse.

Theseventhmagpie · 20/01/2026 10:41

Catladywithoutacat · 20/01/2026 04:31

You file a n244 form with the court saying you never got the court paperwork and to dismiss the ccj

So you are advising that they lie to the court? Amazing advice………

MeTooOverHere · 20/01/2026 12:00

LucyLoo1972 · 20/01/2026 03:03

Its a long story that I wont go into but my husband being so frugal contributed to me having a mental breakdown that nearly killed me. He woulnt let us spend money on essential things even though we had over £100 K in savings.i needed to spend £600 on something vital to take the pressure off my phd submission and he refused.

I used to pay all the bills and deal with anything financial before my breakdwon becasue he couldnt be arsed to do anything financial. we never had joint accounts so all this extra money just accrued in his current account.

after I had the breakdwon I got a parking fine because I was sitting crying in a car park becasue I lost everything I ever worked for. even my physical health too. id Orem form a background of trauma and poverty and got a phd from an elite university and was producing world class research.

well try car is registered in my husbands name and he received the car park fine notice. He dismissed it and said they were hackers when all the reminders to pay were coming and threatening a county court judgement if he didnt pay. I have no clue why but he didnt pay and got a CCJ when he has around £100K in the bank.

I know I know. it is ridiculous and I also realise ive been a victim of financial abuse as well as other forms of abuse.

but how bad is this? what does it mean for us? I know it has already impacted our ability to borrow from our mortgage savings pot as our lender wrote to us and told us this.

I dont have nay income now becsue I cant owl and we lost earnings over nine years for me since I got sick as I had a good job to go to.

What is a CCJ?

Original poster
LucyLoo1972 · 20/01/2026 12:29

MeTooOverHere · 20/01/2026 12:00

What is a CCJ?

Show quote history

County Court Judgement

OP posts:
Original poster
LucyLoo1972 · 20/01/2026 12:32

Enrichetta · 20/01/2026 10:35

im using my mums inheritance for the past three years to pay horrific amounts for theraoy which cant bring my life back.

Your words.

Whilst I agree that therapy is extremely useful, you seem to have been doing this for years, without getting to a point where you can take concrete steps to help yourself get out of this abusive relationship. Surely you must know by now that this will never get better?

Yes, it is scary, but you will feel more in control of yourself and your life with him gone, so focus on that, rather than fretting about his CCJ.

So I would suggest that you use your inheritance to put down a deposit and first month’s rent for a place of your own. You will be able to think more clearly and take steps to regain what he has eroded over the past however many years.

Continue therapy but focus on concrete goals. And divorce him, making sure you get what is due to you. Divorce for Dummies would be a good start. (Not suggesting you are a dummy - it is a very useful guide…)

Show quote history

yes - I wonder aobut stopping theory actually. it is doing nothing.

my husabnd says he would pay the money for therapy - I need to start asking him for that and for money for the bills.

I think for him sometimes its not even about the money it is the executive dysfunction. he doesnt even use a smartphone.

OP posts:
Original poster
LucyLoo1972 · 20/01/2026 12:41

MegMez · 20/01/2026 10:40

Leave him. He is making things worse. He's taken financial advantage of you in the past when you were paying all the bills and he was living like some kind of princess just accruing some magical free £100k in his bank that he wouldn't allow you to touch. That's financial abuse. Leave him. That £100k would pay for our house, we'd be mortgage free. I know your MH isn't in a good place but leaving him would bring you so much more peace. His incompetence and laziness is why he's got a CCJ. I've buried my head in the sand about stressful financial things in the past but do you know when the stress lifts and that sweet sweet relief hits? When I call the credit card people or the car park people and just bloody sort it out. Is there anyone else in your life who could help you at this stage? Your parents, close friends? This guy isn't helping you. He's making your MH worse.

my mum is dead and my father was my original user who gave me CPTSD.

the money just accrued but he didnt spend it. it wasn't like he had a lavish lifestyle and I didnt. he drives car a car worth £600. He sounds little money on himself. He dresses like a tramp wit clothes in rags -- everyone comments on it. the only things he spends on are wine, books, records magazines. He is a hoarder of paper.

for him ti is more executive dysfuntion

we had nothign to be scared of with money like I saw my mum in the past or soem of my friends now

OP posts:
Original poster
LucyLoo1972 · 20/01/2026 12:42

LucyLoo1972 · 20/01/2026 12:41

my mum is dead and my father was my original user who gave me CPTSD.

the money just accrued but he didnt spend it. it wasn't like he had a lavish lifestyle and I didnt. he drives car a car worth £600. He sounds little money on himself. He dresses like a tramp wit clothes in rags -- everyone comments on it. the only things he spends on are wine, books, records magazines. He is a hoarder of paper.

for him ti is more executive dysfuntion

we had nothign to be scared of with money like I saw my mum in the past or soem of my friends now

Show quote history

its weird becasue bit wasn't even a stressful financial thing - we had zero debt and £100 K and I nearly died from the psychosis.

OP posts:
caramac04 · 20/01/2026 12:55

I too have read at least some of your other posts OP.
I genuinely believe your H is the root cause of all your problems. He really isn’t a nice man even if he projects that persona to others.
Please find a way to leave him. I don’t think you will find peace in your life whilst living with that cruel and dysfunctional man.

ThisJadeBear · 20/01/2026 13:13

Having read previous threads OP I think you feel you need to prove who you were - elite, the best, top top, unheard of. All of these words used around your achievements.
This clinging on to who you were is keeping you ill.
You don’t have to be an elite anything now, it’s not important.
Your mind is so stuck in this groove - the breakdown, the money for the thesis.
It all needs to be consigned to history and you need to be free of it.
Your husband has a lot to answer for her and it doesn’t matter that he’s described as good and kind - he’s not. He sounds mentally ill.
I wish I had some answers for you but it all of these mental health experts are struggling with guidance, it’s tough.
You sound traumatised. Constantly retelling your breakdown story is keeping you stuck.
You are enough as you are now even with no job and without a fancy career.
The only reason I’m replying is that I went through something similar and it took me years to start again.
What a waste of precious time it is to live every day reliving this trauma.

Lavender14 · 20/01/2026 17:18

LucyLoo1972 · 20/01/2026 12:32

yes - I wonder aobut stopping theory actually. it is doing nothing.

my husabnd says he would pay the money for therapy - I need to start asking him for that and for money for the bills.

I think for him sometimes its not even about the money it is the executive dysfunction. he doesnt even use a smartphone.

Show quote history

I think op, you can't expect therapy to 'do' anything when you aren't (gently meant) taking control of the situation and making changes to the things that aren't working for you. If I have a splinter in my leg I could do plenty of time in therapy but I'll still be in pain until I pull it out myself. Your living arrangements and finances are completely unsustainable. Counselling cannot fix that for you, only highlight the impact its having on you - you need to make the changes yourself which means leaving the relationship.

I imagine you'll see a big, big difference in how you experience counselling when you do that as you'll finally be able to process the trauma and the abuse from a place of safety.

It may be executive dysfunction- it doesn't actually really matter. Its harmful and abusive and if he's not stopping then you have to be the one to pull the breaks.

He's clearly incapable of managing the family finances so either he needs to hand full financial control over to you or he needs to go, it really is that simple. Anything else is just a but but but that's kicking the same problem down the road while you continue to suffer.

Lavender14 · 20/01/2026 17:19

Also op just because sometimes in some ways he's 'good' to you doesn't mean he is good enough.

Wolverine23 · 20/01/2026 17:26

LifeSurvior · 20/01/2026 04:41

Whoa calm down.
From what you have written there is a parking fine
You are escalating so much, take a breath, can you think about this x

Have you read all she wrote. This is years of trauma and abuse as well. Not just a parking fine. That’s the tip of the iceberg every and hiding it because he’s so tight

Original poster
LucyLoo1972 · 20/01/2026 20:53

Lavender14 · 20/01/2026 17:18

I think op, you can't expect therapy to 'do' anything when you aren't (gently meant) taking control of the situation and making changes to the things that aren't working for you. If I have a splinter in my leg I could do plenty of time in therapy but I'll still be in pain until I pull it out myself. Your living arrangements and finances are completely unsustainable. Counselling cannot fix that for you, only highlight the impact its having on you - you need to make the changes yourself which means leaving the relationship.

I imagine you'll see a big, big difference in how you experience counselling when you do that as you'll finally be able to process the trauma and the abuse from a place of safety.

It may be executive dysfunction- it doesn't actually really matter. Its harmful and abusive and if he's not stopping then you have to be the one to pull the breaks.

He's clearly incapable of managing the family finances so either he needs to hand full financial control over to you or he needs to go, it really is that simple. Anything else is just a but but but that's kicking the same problem down the road while you continue to suffer.

Show quote history

I could see how him handing me control of the finances could help in that area but there were other areas too. So I just don’t know what to do. I agree about the need to take action

OP posts:
Original poster
LucyLoo1972 · 20/01/2026 20:54

Lavender14 · 20/01/2026 17:19

Also op just because sometimes in some ways he's 'good' to you doesn't mean he is good enough.

I must have such low self worth from trauma because I believed he was too good for me on every way

OP posts:
Original poster
LucyLoo1972 · 20/01/2026 20:56

ThisJadeBear · 20/01/2026 13:13

Having read previous threads OP I think you feel you need to prove who you were - elite, the best, top top, unheard of. All of these words used around your achievements.
This clinging on to who you were is keeping you ill.
You don’t have to be an elite anything now, it’s not important.
Your mind is so stuck in this groove - the breakdown, the money for the thesis.
It all needs to be consigned to history and you need to be free of it.
Your husband has a lot to answer for her and it doesn’t matter that he’s described as good and kind - he’s not. He sounds mentally ill.
I wish I had some answers for you but it all of these mental health experts are struggling with guidance, it’s tough.
You sound traumatised. Constantly retelling your breakdown story is keeping you stuck.
You are enough as you are now even with no job and without a fancy career.
The only reason I’m replying is that I went through something similar and it took me years to start again.
What a waste of precious time it is to live every day reliving this trauma.

Oh bless you. I know you are right totally.

my achievements were hard won and such a big part of my identity o think because of the childhood trauma.

did you really go through something similar?

OP posts:
gamerchick · 20/01/2026 20:57

LucyLoo1972 · 20/01/2026 05:29

bless you kind freind. do you really think its that bad? everyone thinks hes wonderful and we did have a good life together so I dont know what ot think

Show quote history

Your last thread didn't sound like you had a good life OP. You've been told repeatedly that this bloke has wrecked you and you need to leave him.

Original poster
LucyLoo1972 · 20/01/2026 20:57

ThisJadeBear · 20/01/2026 13:13

Having read previous threads OP I think you feel you need to prove who you were - elite, the best, top top, unheard of. All of these words used around your achievements.
This clinging on to who you were is keeping you ill.
You don’t have to be an elite anything now, it’s not important.
Your mind is so stuck in this groove - the breakdown, the money for the thesis.
It all needs to be consigned to history and you need to be free of it.
Your husband has a lot to answer for her and it doesn’t matter that he’s described as good and kind - he’s not. He sounds mentally ill.
I wish I had some answers for you but it all of these mental health experts are struggling with guidance, it’s tough.
You sound traumatised. Constantly retelling your breakdown story is keeping you stuck.
You are enough as you are now even with no job and without a fancy career.
The only reason I’m replying is that I went through something similar and it took me years to start again.
What a waste of precious time it is to live every day reliving this trauma.

I am traumatised and the sad thing is I was traumatised before this breakdown and that’s why it even happened.

I never laugh and smile anymore and I always was some joyful every day

OP posts:
Original poster
LucyLoo1972 · 20/01/2026 20:59

ThisJadeBear · 20/01/2026 13:13

Having read previous threads OP I think you feel you need to prove who you were - elite, the best, top top, unheard of. All of these words used around your achievements.
This clinging on to who you were is keeping you ill.
You don’t have to be an elite anything now, it’s not important.
Your mind is so stuck in this groove - the breakdown, the money for the thesis.
It all needs to be consigned to history and you need to be free of it.
Your husband has a lot to answer for her and it doesn’t matter that he’s described as good and kind - he’s not. He sounds mentally ill.
I wish I had some answers for you but it all of these mental health experts are struggling with guidance, it’s tough.
You sound traumatised. Constantly retelling your breakdown story is keeping you stuck.
You are enough as you are now even with no job and without a fancy career.
The only reason I’m replying is that I went through something similar and it took me years to start again.
What a waste of precious time it is to live every day reliving this trauma.

I do believe he is seriously mentally unwell and has been since I’ve known him I think in some way

OP posts:
Original poster
LucyLoo1972 · 20/01/2026 21:00

gamerchick · 20/01/2026 20:57

Your last thread didn't sound like you had a good life OP. You've been told repeatedly that this bloke has wrecked you and you need to leave him.

Show quote history

It’s hard because there were some ways it was wonderful. We shared a love of art and culture and music and loved travelling together. We had similar taste in a lot of things and shared values on lots of big areas.

OP posts:
Original poster
LucyLoo1972 · 20/01/2026 21:02

caramac04 · 20/01/2026 12:55

I too have read at least some of your other posts OP.
I genuinely believe your H is the root cause of all your problems. He really isn’t a nice man even if he projects that persona to others.
Please find a way to leave him. I don’t think you will find peace in your life whilst living with that cruel and dysfunctional man.

Do you think this rather than the childhood trauma I suffered? I thought he was my safe and healing place and he was the only person I felt safe with

OP posts:
Original poster
LucyLoo1972 · 20/01/2026 21:05

caramac04 · 20/01/2026 12:55

I too have read at least some of your other posts OP.
I genuinely believe your H is the root cause of all your problems. He really isn’t a nice man even if he projects that persona to others.
Please find a way to leave him. I don’t think you will find peace in your life whilst living with that cruel and dysfunctional man.

He is the opposite of my abusive father, he is the polar opposite

OP posts:
HappyintheHills · 20/01/2026 21:46

LucyLoo1972 · 20/01/2026 21:05

He is the opposite of my abusive father, he is the polar opposite

Show quote history

He may be different to your father but he took advantage of your people pleasing, he is financially abusive and has got himself a CCJ in a massive piece of strategic incompetence to demonstrate how awfully you were letting him down as you finally fell apart.
Please get away from him. Just for a month to start with. Use a little of that inheritance to rent an off season Airbnb. Maybe organise that volunteering? Spend a bit of time away from his deeply disappointed attitude.