My husband got a CCJ

[LucyLoo1972]

Its a long story that I wont go into but my husband being so frugal contributed to me having a mental breakdown that nearly killed me. He woulnt let us spend money on essential things even though we had over £100 K in savings.i needed to spend £600 on something vital to take the pressure off my phd submission and he refused.

I used to pay all the bills and deal with anything financial before my breakdwon becasue he couldnt be arsed to do anything financial. we never had joint accounts so all this extra money just accrued in his current account.

after I had the breakdwon I got a parking fine because I was sitting crying in a car park becasue I lost everything I ever worked for. even my physical health too. id Orem form a background of trauma and poverty and got a phd from an elite university and was producing world class research.

well try car is registered in my husbands name and he received the car park fine notice. He dismissed it and said they were hackers when all the reminders to pay were coming and threatening a county court judgement if he didnt pay. I have no clue why but he didnt pay and got a CCJ when he has around £100K in the bank.

I know I know. it is ridiculous and I also realise ive been a victim of financial abuse as well as other forms of abuse.

but how bad is this? what does it mean for us? I know it has already impacted our ability to borrow from our mortgage savings pot as our lender wrote to us and told us this.

I dont have nay income now becsue I cant owl and we lost earnings over nine years for me since I got sick as I had a good job to go to.

The CCJ means nothing (except it will have cost him more than if he had just paid originally of course) if he is not looking to take out credit - and presumably with £100k in the bank he won't be needing that - so effectively its a non event for him.

yes - agreed. except now we may be separating he may need a mortgage but if we are saratign thats his problem not mine I guess. im so used ot doing everything for him I cant stop thinking like that.

Well, that's on him! he should have thought of that - to be honest though he will still have a chunky deposit so unlikely he would be declined. CCJ's are more likely to block unsecured credit (cards etc) secured loans, the bank know they can get their money back so are less fussy.

I am past braking point. I submitted my thesis and had the psychotic breakdwon,
I did my viva and I passed my thesis with no corrections with the world leading person in my discipline.
I had ap ost doc to go to but I was too unwell to do it - I was severely delusion and it was all related to my research area (I cant say too much here).

endless traumas happened after all this - not just my marriage but two of our parents died and another is seriously unwell

we had never needed to worry about money becasue we alwasy knew we would have an heritiacne form my mum

ive tired ot get jobs since and went back to owkr at the university for a year

my career was looking very very promising and colleagues I fisnihed with are no associate professors and most would admit their work wasn't as string as mine

my mental state is till terribel

Stop frittering away your inheritance and use it to set up your new life.

we have a house almost paid off too

but f course half of everythign is mine

I never cared for material things but the things liek my health and my career were priceless ot me, my friends and my marriage- fro thirty years I loved him and did everything for him. I was a grown adult and never should have allowed my life ot be disgusted by his behaviours.

how is ut being frittered away?

Yes it’s bad. He’s financially abusing you. You as a couple don’t have over 100k in savings because it’s not in a joint account. That is his savings.

No wonder your mental health is in bits being married to someone so controlling.

Just because everyone around you thinks he’s such a great guy doesn’t mean he is behind closed doors.

you are right - im very stuck.

ive Benn looking at some houses to buy this week

I was always. apeerson to take action before - except where my marriage was concerned

Op your mental health didn't cause this, he caused this because he's been abusive towards you. These are the natural consequences to his actions and it is not your fault. You are human, you have a limit and he's surpassed it and continues to surpass it.

Op really what you need to do here is leave and get evidence of those £100k savings and divorce him. Report the abuse to the police and use what you get from the divorce to start a new life and maybe even get back on the PhD track.

He will never support you the way you need, he will never be the husband you need him to be. You can't change him, he knows the impact this is having on you and he's making a choice to continue it in order to control you. You absolutely cannot continue this way and the only way out of this is to leave. This is also the best way to get space for yourself to heal properly. You cannot work on the trauma he's causing while you're still in the situation- that work needs to happen from a safe place which means being independent of him with access to your own money.

If you have access to nothing then womens aid will literally set you up with accommodation, clothing, food whatever you need to get you started so it's great that you've got in touch with them. This is very classic financial abuse and I've worked with lots of women who on the surface lived very nice lives with very nice homes and cars but who didn't have access to any of the family money because of their husbands control and it almost destroyed them. It doesn't matter if people think he's nice or what your life looks like to outsiders on the surface - you know the truth and you deserve much, much better than this.

Of course you have happy memories of him, that's why you went on a second date - because he's capable of being loving and kind. The problem is that he's also a narcissist and he's choosing to put his own need for control and manipulation ahead of your wellbeing. If he wanted the best for you and wanted good things for you then that £600 would have been spent on your PhD without a second thought. It might help to look at the cycle of domestic abuse as most abusers flit between being abusive and then appearing caring in order to maintain control and to confuse and stop the other person leaving which is exactly why you're struggling so much with this.

Having been in those shoes, I really do get that mental confusion and fear of ending a relationship and being 'wrong' and maybe acting too rashly or it all being in my head or maybe realising later that they weren't really that bad and regretting it. When I left it was like coming up for air and while it look me a long time to mentally recover, I'm so so glad I left. It took me to get to the point where I had nothing left to give and op it sounds like you're at that point and you need to make the leap to save your sanity. You are absolutely strong enough to do this, look at what you've come through already.

As someone who has gone through a breakdown myself - and after a long, dark period, come out into the sunlight the other side, what I really would say is don't make any big decisions when you are in the state you are in.

There is so much feeding into it, bereavement you say being one aspect - and you have no means to support yourself during this time as you say you are not working.

It's not the end of the world. It stays on your file for 6 years then drops off, some mortgage companies will still offer mortgages with one ccj. Especially as its for a parking fine.
After a couple of years of good credit history then other types of lenders may also lend to you
The only thing a ccj affects is ability to borrow money. You won't lose your current house.
Hopefully you can get it removed. But if you can't then life isn't over, it will just be harder to get credit.
I would recommend maximising income so you can build some savings for emergencies rather than relying on loans or getting things on finance as it will be harder. But other than that life goes on as usual.
Renting may be harder but it is landlords discretion and if you declare what it was for I am sure many landlords will look over a fine. Its not a ccj for 20k for unpaid debts.

I agree with your psychologist.

The CCJ is his. Find a divorce solicitor and make an appointment.

This person is of no benefit to you- quite the opposite; they are killing you. Best of luck xxxx

if we separate I get half

he doesnt even care for the money. he lives like tramp spending nothing

wow - this isnt even half of it on this thread. if oyu tihnk that with just its information.

my health is so bad he is nearly killing me yes

but everythign in my life is utterly gone when I had such a full life. I dont know what id be liek sitting in a house n my own with nothing of any value ot me

See a solicitor for yourself & take their advice, divorce seems the best option.

truly it is the absolute least of our worries with everythign that has happened ot me.

life is utter hell now. we didnt need ot scrimp on essential tights or eve in a dump becasue we were very blessed with money

I spoke otWoems Aid last week and they put me in touch with a financial perosn to help.

a friend has offered ot be a guarantor of a mortgage fro me if I need that.

I love this man so very much and wanted to give him the best possible life. I tired os hard.

was it a very bad breakdwon fro you?

What is stopping you from leaving your abuser?

This is terrible advice! And pointless. Do you know how many people try the ‘ol “but I didn’t get the letter” line? They have proof the letter’s been sent. They’ll stand by that and aren’t going to fall for lazy lies like this

You've STILL deflected. You've not answered my question, OP!

Also, apologies but given your career and senior academic background I'll ask what other posters are no doubt asking themselves:

Why are your posts chock-full of typos and spelling errors?

thank you, you have given me a lot to think about and I will reply more later.

your first paragraph really resonated with me. he say sim the abusive one tho.

therecwerecso many other things too if you've seen my other posts.

I did completely phd so I have that

I have already lost my sanity sadly and after nine years I cant see that returning

Maybe English isn’t her first language

I am going to find some way of living elsewhere.

I got in touch with Women's Aid and they have put me in touch with a solicitor who can offer some free advice

I am looking for a job in different field and am starting some volunteer work in that field

I have an inheritance so I have some money for essential things and can buy a small property

im sorry about the spellings and typos - im typing very quickly! believe it or not I passed my thesis with no corrections, and no typos