My husband got a CCJ

[LucyLoo1972]

Its a long story that I wont go into but my husband being so frugal contributed to me having a mental breakdown that nearly killed me. He woulnt let us spend money on essential things even though we had over £100 K in savings.i needed to spend £600 on something vital to take the pressure off my phd submission and he refused.

I used to pay all the bills and deal with anything financial before my breakdwon becasue he couldnt be arsed to do anything financial. we never had joint accounts so all this extra money just accrued in his current account.

after I had the breakdwon I got a parking fine because I was sitting crying in a car park becasue I lost everything I ever worked for. even my physical health too. id Orem form a background of trauma and poverty and got a phd from an elite university and was producing world class research.

well try car is registered in my husbands name and he received the car park fine notice. He dismissed it and said they were hackers when all the reminders to pay were coming and threatening a county court judgement if he didnt pay. I have no clue why but he didnt pay and got a CCJ when he has around £100K in the bank.

I know I know. it is ridiculous and I also realise ive been a victim of financial abuse as well as other forms of abuse.

but how bad is this? what does it mean for us? I know it has already impacted our ability to borrow from our mortgage savings pot as our lender wrote to us and told us this.

I dont have nay income now becsue I cant owl and we lost earnings over nine years for me since I got sick as I had a good job to go to.

ha ha - it is. I am just typing very quickly.

my thesis had zero typos or spelling corrections, not a single one. I don't take it as seriously for Mumsnet

Not particularly odd, maybe she is dyslexic? I have a masters in physics, not English, for example.

Honestly, I don't know.

Maybe because I had such a full life and invested so much in him that I set myself on fire and thirty years of love and devotion has come to nothing.

Everything we envisioned for our life was together.

I'm sad to disappoint people. I have no excuse for the typos and spellings except that I am typing quickly.

I had no typos or corrections of any kind in my thesis.

It was, most certainly, at one point I reckon to have been about 5 minutes from doing something very silly in retrospect.

I know its not easy to see when you are in the dark cloud, impossible even, but have faith that it will end, you will feel well again and happy times lie ahead.

When you reach that other side, looking back it will just seem like a jarring, odd, bad dream - I hardly think of it now.

You tried too hard.
Nobody can do absolutely everything as well as you were.
You needed a little help and he refused it.
You received an inheritance and he’s forcing you to pay all of the bills with it.
Get out, you won’t have nothing left - you still have you.
And without him keeping you in your room, you can care for yourself and regrow.

did it last a long time? nine years is a long time for me

I did try too hard

If you knew me you would know that this was across the whole board of my life

and I asked for help in other ways that he refused, for example, I said I need us to have a cleaner but he opulent allow it because he is a hoarder so wont have peopel coem in. that was impacting my mental health also.

I told him he needs to pay me for the bills.

How could you tell I was trying too hard? I was but im not sure how you could know form these posts

@LucyLoo1972 this is all on him. Everyone thinks he’s great because they don’t live with him and he is showing them his best side.

please leave him and you WILL be able to rebuild.

about 7 years in all I suppose.

It was very hard for those who love me, as caring for someone suffering mental illness is tough.

I agree with the others in that you need to leave. Why would a partner with 1000s in the bank begrudge you £600 to help you finish your PhD.
We have a similar amount of savings and there’s no way my DH wouldn’t let me use a few hundred quid for anything vaguely important.
Your husband has the CCJ, not you so if you split your credit rating should be solid. Is that correct?

do you really think I can?

I went actually insane. the ironic thing is part of my delusion at the beginning was that I had betrayed him and that harm would come to him because of me.

In a way it has but I dont know where that came from if he is my abuser?

well that gives me some hope becasue its been nine years for me

the only perosn I had who loved me was my DH - thats one reason leaving is so hard.

Your psychologist is right @LucyLoo1972 .

I think you've posted about this man and his shoddy behaviour before.

I also have a recollection of advice being almost unanimous in that you leave him. Given your reaction to a ccj over a parking ticket that still stands.

In the short term call the number on the documentation. More precisely get him to do it.

You spoiled him with kindness, running the finances, working, and cooking.

He took advantage the of level of financial abuse.
He broke you.
Away from him you can fix yourself.

I dont get it either. He had seen the extraordinary cost and toll of the doing this PhD. He also wouldn't let me have desktop computer I needed or clear out space for my academic books. Neither of us knew at the tiem that I had such extensive CPTSD which they say made me too compliant. I wrote my thesis on my bed becasue I dint have where else t do it.

I mean the money was mine as well becasue we are married. it may be in his account but it is half mine. He was just mean in general, fro example, not taking me out ot dinner or away for a weekend.

Yes- if we split the CCJ is in his name and doesnt effect my credit rating. However, I have no income so that effects things.

I have. And what makes me so sad is that the tings I have posted on Musket are not even the worst or hardest of his behaviours.

he did a lot of kind things too and in some ways we had an amazing bond.

He has paid the CCJ now

Op do you mean you paid the bills or you were in charge of paying the bills? Because I just don’t know where you are money wise? Is it all his money? As in do you not work? Because it’s easy everyone saying leave but not easy if you’ve no savings etc.

It sounds like he's really knocked your confidence and it's easy to see why from the way he's treated you. If you have good friends (which I assume you do if one has offered to act as guarantor for your mortgage) then now is the time to surround yourself with them and distance yourself from your DH.

It may take time to completely separate from him (if that's what you decide to do) but in the meantime try to come up with an action plan of how you would like your life to look in 5 years time. Consider what's achievable and bounce these ideas off your friends and therapist. At the moment you've stagnated because you're with a man who doesn't seem to want you to thrive in life and that's clouding your perspective.

I paid the bills out of my account and DH paid the mortgage from his. We had separate accounts. Whilst I was doing my phD I had a stipend and some small amount of income but his earnings were far higher than mine.

Now I am still paying the bills out of my account but I have no income. I have a fairly substantial inheritance form my mum.

I could afford to buy a small place iwth my mums inheritance and I if we spilt I guess I would have around £200K from our joint assets.

I dont currently work but we are married so everything is half mine. we have a house worth £300 K that is almost paid off. No loans or debts at all which makes this whole thing rdiciulpus that we were living like paupers

we lived an extremely frugal lifestyle (not my choice). House was not well maintained, no fancy clothes and my DH dresses like an absolute tramp. no fancy meals out or spa days or weekends away to a hotel to relax. No Netflix or Spotify becasue he thinks these thigns are a waste of money. no upgrades on laptops and no technology in the house, we had a fat old tv that wasn't even a flat screen. I dint by myself nice make up or clothes and shoes. I lost five stone at one point and barely bought anything. Nothing for leisure, no gym, no BBQ not even a fire pit. my passion is interior design and architecture and it was hugely important ot me to have a lovely safe and pretty home as I never had that as a child. Hes a hoarder and I told him that was getting me down. He would buy me World of Interirs magazines eery month nut I wasn't allowed to have decorators in. It crushed my creative spirit and I ahd the ability ot make beautiful rooms - everybody commented on the lovely things I chose and we collected many things on our travels.

we did travel a fair amount and my mum lived n italy so we went there and had wonderful times together there as we both love art.

its weird because I thought he really really wanted ot see me thrive in life. I honestly did. I dont ithnk any of this was deliberate or malicious which is what confuses me.

I lost most of my long term friends when I got unwell but I do seem to make friends wherever I go so I do still have some and have made soem new ones.

I thought he was really proud of me and what I had achieved. I dont get it becasue we fell in love before I had doen all these thigns for him - I couldnt have done more for him and I thought we were very very happy together. Our intellectual work even overlapped so we did a lot of thigns together liek writing and speaking and had such similar interests in art and culture and music.

I have an opportunity coming up to volunteer in a field I love which may lead to work and is not related to my academic work.

it is hard because my work and my DH are the two great passions of my life and I cant imagine life without him. If he wasn't hurting me before though he certainly is now. our life has completely collapsed.

I dont know why he would treat me badly, I truly thought he loved me

I’m sympathetic. I wondered why didn’t you use your mum’s inheritance to pay for the transcriptions? Perhaps that was timing if your mum died recently, I am sorry for your loss.