My husband got a CCJ

[LucyLoo1972]

Its a long story that I wont go into but my husband being so frugal contributed to me having a mental breakdown that nearly killed me. He woulnt let us spend money on essential things even though we had over £100 K in savings.i needed to spend £600 on something vital to take the pressure off my phd submission and he refused.

I used to pay all the bills and deal with anything financial before my breakdwon becasue he couldnt be arsed to do anything financial. we never had joint accounts so all this extra money just accrued in his current account.

after I had the breakdwon I got a parking fine because I was sitting crying in a car park becasue I lost everything I ever worked for. even my physical health too. id Orem form a background of trauma and poverty and got a phd from an elite university and was producing world class research.

well try car is registered in my husbands name and he received the car park fine notice. He dismissed it and said they were hackers when all the reminders to pay were coming and threatening a county court judgement if he didnt pay. I have no clue why but he didnt pay and got a CCJ when he has around £100K in the bank.

I know I know. it is ridiculous and I also realise ive been a victim of financial abuse as well as other forms of abuse.

but how bad is this? what does it mean for us? I know it has already impacted our ability to borrow from our mortgage savings pot as our lender wrote to us and told us this.

I dont have nay income now becsue I cant owl and we lost earnings over nine years for me since I got sick as I had a good job to go to.

yes - I agree totally.

I dont know why he ignored it.

I tried to pay but it had to be him they were dealign with.

he has never pisd a bill in his entire adult life - I did everything. when I broke down he didnt even know who our mortgage lender is and wed been with them for 25 years

the suggestion that you should leave your husband because he won’t financially support you doesn’t feel fair to me.
you seem to be pinning a lot of your issues on his tightness. Is this really the case? How else is he abusive?
lots of people don’t pay those fines on the assumption they won’t be enforced.
and 600 on translation materials? I wouldn’t pay that either.

im assuming he is paying all of the household bills and has been for some time.
the best thing you can do is get some professional help and get back into the workplace. It doesn’t need to be in your former career field.
we can all choose to be in relationships and who we spend time with. If it isn’t enjoyable or working for you then you can choose to leave.

thank you. this is only one of the issues we faced really. there were many others.

I won full scholarship for my phd which is practically unheard of. it was a value of £80,000. and I won lots of other fellowships. my husband never had to support me. I ahd transcribed myself 80 hours f interview which took me over a year. I had Orem left to do in order to fisnih my thesis in time becasue the time cost of transcribing is very very intense. a secretary can turn round in one day what would take me over a week to do myself.

we had over £100 K in savings. I think it is entirely reasonable to soend £600 to sabe me six weeks work. my friends paid for ALL their transcriptions ot be doen by somebody else. its the biggest regret of my life. im using my mums inheritance for the past three years to pay horrific amounts for theraoy which cant bring my life back.

but them deny was only one of many many issues.

Leave.

I spent most of my marriage medicated and mentally unwell with anxiety and depression. My husband engineered this, every time I started to recover, something would happen and trigger another decline. There were other types of abuse too.

Once we had split, my life and mental health improved, although the divorce process itself was very hard as his behaviour was awful. However, the Judge saw right through him and I got a very good settlement. I am no longer on medication as I don't have anxiety or depression now that he is out of my life.

Go and get some help and support from your local domestic abuse organisation. Divorce him and live a better, happier life.

out of interest, why do people think those fines wont be enforced?

yes he has supported me now im sick. we are married. thats how it works. believe me id give anything to be working. I worked hard all my life and I loved my work

I dont think my husband is that bad and I felt. so happy with him before.

I blame myself as I didnt need to be such a doormat. I was a vibrant, successful perosn. I did everythign ot keep our lives afloat.

Was there an event, a trigger or even a warning period before your breakdown? Through therapy have you learned something about what might have caused an unravelling? What age were you? Could hormone shifts also have played a part?

Life is long, and you have had endured a very hard chapter in recent years, but I am certain there is a different and more positive era ahead for you too. Your posts show energy.

You may think of yourself as a husk of your former identity - but you’re not trying to go backwards, you need to go forwards. The new you won’t be the same, but it could be wonderfully different and just as productive and rewarding.

I was 44 and I 100 percent believe that hormones played a part.

the immediate trigger for my breakdwon and the psychosis was the submission of my phd thesis. for reasons which are almost unbelievable it was incredibly stressful. I was researching and critiquing my on religious community. finishing a PHD is stressful in itself but there were many additional stressful factors.

they saw that the ultimate root is my severe childhood trauma in various ways. one that it made me an insane people pleaser and perfectionist and it meant I never felt worthy of my husband or of the thigns I had in life even thoguh I earned them all. it also meant I need questioned my husband for fear of conflict (which is ironic because now there is only conflict).

I was alwasy exceptionally high functioning and didnt have anxiety aobut usual things peopel do - I was almost fearless about things liek giving lectures, travelling world-wide alone, meeting new people. I alwasy had immense amounts of energy, creativity and drive.

I alwasy loved my husband very much and he came first in my life. I ran everythign for us and I loved to be with him and he was my safe place. I felt so happy and safe with him.

I dont feel ive lost too much cognitive ability but it is hard to describe how much I feel I have lost me. a major publisher is interested in publishing my thesis but I feel I cant go back to it even though it was nine years ago. I have so much trauma from the breakdown and the things that have happened with my husband and our families as a result of my illness. I also dont know heats true or not still about ism of the situation. I feel so broken and I was already broken from my childhood although noonday knew it not even me

I blame myself for this whole thing - I had a story to bring to the world in my research that would have helped people like me. and now I don leave my bedroom becasue my husabnd cant bear for me to be near him.

im interested that you tihnk my posts show energy becasue I feel I have nothing ot me now. I was brilliant before intellectually but most of all I was a lovely perosn who could speak to anybody .

Op I have read some of your other threads.

The ccj is a read herring. It's happened. Stop wasting time and energy on it. Think about the bigger picture. Read the advice you have been given here, and what your psychologist has told you. Make plans to allow yourself to become the person you once were. I wish you all the best.

yes - its a tiny thing. ive only been thing naobut it recently as ive been getting legal advice about finances. but ive realised now its in his name so won't effect em in any case. although my situation is far worse because I have no income anymore when I would have had a highly paid career world for.

You’ve got nothing left inside of you now in this moment. That doesn’t have to be how it is for the rest of your life. Like someone said further up this thread, this is a chapter in your story.

I’ve read your other threads too.

I very much doubt that ‘everyone’ thinks he’s wonderful and that you have a great life together. People are likely trying to be supportive of you.

You factually tell us on these threads the terrible things that your husband says and does. And then when people are horrified and react in a way that is protective of you, you respond by saying he’s not that bad and that people don’t n here don’t know whst he’s really like and that we are overreacting. We are not.

He isn’t wonderful, he isn’t even nice. He’s not a good husband. I’d be astonished if the people in your real life who know you both thought anything different. It’s quite hard to say to someone that they think that a person is in a bad marriage.

thank you.

he has many good qualities and is kind to other people, giving them a lot of his time and energy but not me!

I havent made any of this up - these things are real and they aren't even the worst of what I was dealign with.

my friends think the same as all of you here. you have not even heard the worst. ut Alos he odes do a lot fo kind things.

You were ill at the time he got the fine. He had to pull himself together and deal with all the paperwork, but he didn’t. He has only himself to blame.
From now on look after yourself only. He is a grown up man and should be able to look after his own affairs as well as yours if you are unable.

this was the only time in our marriage he ever had to deal with any bill or paperwork. I even tried to pay the fine even when very unwell but I wasn't allowed ot because of data laws or soemthing they wouldnt speak to me.

yes- he only has himself ot blame.

I blame myself for getting in the mess of the breakdwon by not insisting he lives as an adult. I lost every thign I worked or even my relationship with my mum and dad who were absuers and I ahd worked hard to be able to have soem form of relaitonshipwith them. when I got unwell I became estranged from them becasue I was so angry.

Do you have your own bank account?

I don’t think you are making any of it up. I think you have been worn down and now the idea of leaving it all behind is frightening.

It’s interesting that you say that your friends say the name as we do here in Mumsnet because you always give the impression that other people think he’s a good husband.

I think many of us have someone in our lives who we can see treats their spouse poorly but will be accommodating, happy and generous to others. It’s not an uncommon situation unfortunately.

But you were carrying everything. As long as you were 'performing' things were good. Where's his contribution? Stop blaming yourself and look at things from the outside, as we all do. There's a reason most posters here are saying leave. They can see what you can't or won't.

it wasn't even a lot of paperwork - he just had to pick up the phone and pay or pay online.

and the thing is he has a very senior and responsible job that involves tons of complex paperwork - I dont get it.

its weaponised incompetence

you are right - I made everythign work and it was a ton of mental load on me.

the good thigns we had in our life were due to me building them. He is a hoarder and I worked os hard to make a beautiful home and then there were piles f crap everywhere.

he can do lots of complex paperwork at his senior job but the first bill he ever had to pay he couldn't do it and got a CCJ. well he could have doen it.

this isnt even the biggest f my contributions. I cooked beautiful food most nights from scratch, organised all our travel, sort out anything we needed to purchase on my own and he blocked essential purchases. for 25 years I didnt have blinds that opened.

yes I do, but I dont have nay money coming in to it as I dont owrk and that breaks my heart. I loved my work and spent six years working for my phd to become an academic.

sometimes he leaves me without money and all the bills still coem out ofmy account.

my mum left me an inheritance but I dont tihnk I should be paying the hosueelhd bills from that.

If you pay a CCJ within 30 days you can write to the court to get the record deleted.

You need help, your post sounds like you’re at breaking point.

whats going on with your career? Did you submit the thesis in the end?

Id reach out to some women‘s aid groups to try and get help. Your partner sounds awful.

get divorced, take half the money, free yourself of this absolute prick.

OP, I mean this kindly and remember you from previous posts: You receieve wonderful, practical advice on this platform. Plus strong emotional support.

Endless members here have tried to help you.

Yet, you deflect responses, and avoid dealing with issues. You don't act. You do nothing, in effect.

What are you actually going to do?