Have I spoilt the evening?

[Iknowdino]

So husband and I rarely do anything together just us 2. We went to a concert he booked back in November but he only took me after asking a few mates and not finding anyone that would go, definitely not my kind of thing. Previously can't think of when we last did something just us 2 probably 2024 for my birthday. We do lots together with DDS as a family though. Don't even sit in together and watch a film or anything as DDS are teens and always around.

Got a rare night to night as they are both off on a sleepover. Dh has been asking what I want to do all week. Mostly saying how much sex we are going to have. I said I wanted to go out for tea as we havent in ages. He has made comments twice in the week about staying in and getting a take away and about getting something nice in to cook. Both times I have explained I don't want to do this. He will want a Chinese takeway which is crap for me as I am gluten free and no Chinese takeaways around here cater for gf. I explained I don't want to cook as I want a night off from cooking and cleaning and he doesn't cook so would fall to me to buy and cook the meal even if we share cleaning off.

Tonight is the night of the sleepover. He arranged to go out all day and had called me on the way home to ask what I want to do tonight. I said I thought we were going out. His response was, "we don't have to go out, I'm not bothered". This has really upset me and I was pissed off. I said "well if you're not bothered let's not go out" and now he is in a foul mood and not speaking to me saying I've ruined the night. Have I over reacted?? I'm not raging or in a huff it just upset me that he clearly doesn't want to go out and I was stupidly looking forward to it. I just feel like he is intentionally sabotaging it, trying to upset me then telling me I'm the reason we can't go out! Or maybe he doesn't want to be seen out in public with me??

I’m glad you ended up going out.

The only person who can leave is you and there is no point us saying it because you’re obviously not ready.

Could you start going out more with your friends and on your own?

Perhaps if you spent less time with him then you would become more independent and the leaving would be easier.

You do seem very dependent on him and as I said yesterday you’re very passive and did what he wanted to do.
I think you finally choosing and booking a place to eat was a big deal and little things like that will improve your self confidence and make leaving easier.

Oh, love. He's a twat. Been there and it's death by a thousand cuts. They can be lovely as long as everything's going their way.

Guess what? It's not difficult to be nice when you have everything your way. The harder thing is to treat people with respect even when things are hard (or just ever so slightly what they wanted instead!).

You've been trying to get away for years by the sound of it. I really hope this is the year you make it happen. Far better off on your own than with him. 💐

This is so sad to read op. Think about your dc - would you want them to be treated like this? Think about yourself - is this what you wanted when you dreamed of getting married and having a family?
You married a nice sweet man. He left in 2019 and has chosen not to come back. You don’t have to stay with this awful man just because 7 years ago he was nice. You are married to an entirely different man now. It’s up to you if you want to stay with him but as the last 7 years have shown, he is not going to change.

As a teenager living with parents who are in an unhealthy abusive marriage is so damaging and more times than creates a template for their future relationships. You don’t want that I am sure.

So helpful, feel better now?

I was in your shoes. Get out before he grinds you into the dust. He has you now so he is not bothering to pretend

The him you have now is the real him, the nice version was an act. A mask he doesn’t need any more. Really. Just get out

Funny how some people learn to book the table and do what they want and some people learn it's really not worth the weeks of hell. I know this isn't over. He accepted going out but I'll pay for it. I wasn't always this way

Sorry that reply wasn't to you donttellempike. Thanks for your support

Hmm. You could perhaps move the focus of the therapy to exploring why you are comfortable with this pattern. It doesn’t have to be ‘therapy that helps you leave’. It can be therapy that helps you explore what you want, or explore how to assert yourself, or why you feel obliged to make him happy.

All those are good questions that will help you lead a happier life, regardless of whether you stay or leave. If you explore who you are and what you want, the knock on effect may be that you leave, or that you stay but please yourself. The last one was my choice. I am still here and we are much happier, because there’s no imbalance any more. He does what he wants, I do what I want. I don’t expect him to do things that he’s never going to do. That doesn’t mean I can’t do them, and I don’t organise myself around pleasing him anymore.

Do you have kids?
I know you said about the teens having a sleepover but weren’t sure if they were yours or not.

I really struggle with weak people.
I will never understand why people live their lives in misery just because they’re afraid of being single.

I am naturally a very strong woman but I also have DC and that alone would be why I would never put up with an unhappy relationship.

If you don’t do it for yourself, could you not find the strength to do it for your kids?

I wasn't always this way

The title of your thread shows how the self-doubt has crept in, OP.

With my ex-DH, I kept a journal trying to make sense of whether I was being unreasonable or not (this was pre-internet, so no MN!). I wrote it all down and would sit there reading it over and over, struggling to work out whether I made sense. I think in the back of my mind, I was hoping some invisible adjudicator would magically read it and step in to sort things out more fairly.

Thanks to this thread, you have the confirmation you need. But the only person who can step in to rescue you is yourself.

I agree. I wouldn't want dcs seeing this as acceptable. Plus I wouldn't allow someone to treat me so badly. I'd be off.

Only read the first and last couple of pages, with the OP's posts ...

This really does sound grim, OP. Does he ever say "I love you"? Because his actions seem to suggest he's got into his head that this is what marriage is, you are there to service him and his needs and your wants and needs come second.

I do think you need to have a conversation without the teens around. But go into the conversation with the absolute conviction and belief that this must not continue - change is essential for you. And - do you want to stay in this marriage even if there are changes - your posts suggest that he's going to sulk, be the martyr if he does accept he needs to change. I'd respectfully suggest marriage counselling as a first step, but if the sulky/martyr thing happens I honestly think he's not going to change and you need to put yourself first. And dump his arse.

had counselling on my own and the general gist from the therapist was that I'm never going to leave so our work is done.

Bloody hell. You need to find yourself a better therapist, preferably one who understands coercion and abuse. You are in an abusive, controlling relationship (including being sexually abused) and need to leave.

Can I set you some homework?

1. Contact Women's Aid
2. Get a better therapist, if only to boost your self confidence and self worth
3. Do the Freedom Programme
4. Look up DARVO

Before I spent 25 years in an abusive relationship which escalated in barely visible increments and left me a shell of myself, I'd have probably said this. In fact, it just shows a complete lack of empathy of what it's like being slowly ground down.

‘Hmm. You could perhaps move the focus of the therapy to exploring why you are comfortable with this pattern. It doesn’t have to be ‘therapy that helps you leave’. It can be therapy that helps you explore what you want, or explore how to assert yourself, or why you feel obliged to make him happy.’

do you think it wouldn’t have occurred to the therapist to explore these things already? You can go over and over all of this and people still won’t make a move to get out of their situation - it happens.

Hi op it’s your life at the end of the day so put up with him. There might be a time when you just say fuck this. Op he is a manchild controlling you, maybe having teenagers is making the relationship feel normal as he is acting like one anyway.

The company not so much but he did snap out of his mood after his nap and it was ok

He ended the night by having another strop because I put my nighty on at bed time and I wasn't sexy enough so he got up and left

Wow, just reread these behaviours - just from last night alone..is he 5 years old?

How you haven’t massively got the Ick and vomited on his feet at this behaviour I don’t know.

I was with one like this years ago but once I got wise to it it quickly came to an end. It is deeply unsexy to be married to a man child.

You sound like a boiled frog, you’ve been conditioned to accept his shitty treatment and probably he’s eroded your self confidence to think you can’t do better.

What you need to do is start thinking about how freeing and nice it would be to be alone and not have to deal with this crap all the time. Just really manifest and imagine how it would be - living without this angst and sex pest behaviour. I bet you’re always on edge with him. It can’t be good for your MH.

Exactly. The ignorance of some people , talking about issues they clearly have no experience of, never ceases to amaze me.

I know a PP has said this but, again, what would you say to a friend who told you this story?

If you were my friend I would say that you have these choices:

1. Put up, shut up & carry on
2. Put up, shut up carry on, but arrange for a more active social life for yourself which involves going to regular activities that you enjoy (I would suggest a regular yoga class, aqua-fit, taking yourself our for the odd meal on your own). DP can care for the DCs while you're doing this - obviously this means catering for them. They'd soon get fed up with Chinese takeaways LOL!
3. Move into a different bedroom (if you have the space) if not you can book yourself into a cheap B&B for a night, say once a month, keep the non-sexy nighties on (I'd buy an even less sexy nightie - long, long sleeves, high neck) & say no sex.
4. Leave

I would ask you to consider all options & imagine how your life would look with each option.

Well done on being strong. 👏👏👏👏

Empathetic and knowledgeable about abusive relationships. Not so much

Smallest protest alert. I have gone out and brought myself some very unsexy cat pajamas! I'll be in the tonight.

Good.

It’s time to change the things that are in your control. I’d be regularly taking myself out while the teens are home, and not inviting him. Open your life up a bit more, take baby steps if you’re not ready to blow it all up.

He ended the night by having another strop because I put my nighty on at bed time and I wasn't sexy enough so he got up and left... I was pleased though.

Again, your wishes are supposed to be ignored in favour of his, to the point where he thinks he can police what you wear to sleep in. Does he have no concept of what a turnoff that behaviour generally is or does he expect sex to be about him, on his terms, when he wants it, with no thought for whether you are in the mood?

OP this made me smile.

Your cat pajamas are the first step to taking back some control over your life. Maybe in time, even your freedom! 😽