Have I spoilt the evening?

[Iknowdino]

So husband and I rarely do anything together just us 2. We went to a concert he booked back in November but he only took me after asking a few mates and not finding anyone that would go, definitely not my kind of thing. Previously can't think of when we last did something just us 2 probably 2024 for my birthday. We do lots together with DDS as a family though. Don't even sit in together and watch a film or anything as DDS are teens and always around.

Got a rare night to night as they are both off on a sleepover. Dh has been asking what I want to do all week. Mostly saying how much sex we are going to have. I said I wanted to go out for tea as we havent in ages. He has made comments twice in the week about staying in and getting a take away and about getting something nice in to cook. Both times I have explained I don't want to do this. He will want a Chinese takeway which is crap for me as I am gluten free and no Chinese takeaways around here cater for gf. I explained I don't want to cook as I want a night off from cooking and cleaning and he doesn't cook so would fall to me to buy and cook the meal even if we share cleaning off.

Tonight is the night of the sleepover. He arranged to go out all day and had called me on the way home to ask what I want to do tonight. I said I thought we were going out. His response was, "we don't have to go out, I'm not bothered". This has really upset me and I was pissed off. I said "well if you're not bothered let's not go out" and now he is in a foul mood and not speaking to me saying I've ruined the night. Have I over reacted?? I'm not raging or in a huff it just upset me that he clearly doesn't want to go out and I was stupidly looking forward to it. I just feel like he is intentionally sabotaging it, trying to upset me then telling me I'm the reason we can't go out! Or maybe he doesn't want to be seen out in public with me??

Do you actually have to dress up nicely and wear make up when just staying at home?

Not from any chineses around here. They use soy sauce which isn't gf

Yes. I was bought an oodie for Christmas and he literally will not speak to me if I have it on. It's not said always outright, although he will say e.g. if we are home all day at the weekend, wear something nice for me. Tells me I should be made to walk around naked. Often said as "jokes", particularly if I take offence. Or said as "compliments" like you're the best wife ever because you always wear makeup and look nice, I couldn't be with someone who didn't". If I get upset, it's my fault not his because he can't help it that im so attractive! Which by the way, I'm not!

He once didn't speak to me and sulked on Christmas day because I wore tights with a skirt. Told me to take them off and wouldn't join in until I did. Because tights aren't sexy. At the time I thought it was sweet that he loved me so much......

Why do you stay with this sexist pig?

Good grief. It just sounds like you are a sex object for him. Not a wife.

You are in an abusive and controlling relationship, including sexual abuse. You don't have to live like this, and no one should have to live like this. I think it's worth reiterating @AutumnFroglets advice to:

1. Contact Women's Aid
2. Get a better therapist, if only to boost your self confidence and self worth
3. Do the Freedom Programme
4. Look up DARVO

Echoing PPs, sorry OP but there is no ambiguity about this. You are in an abusive relationship and you've got used to it. Things will not improve with time. Please use this information wisely.

@Iknowdino I hope you contact women's aid? Have you confided in friends about this? I'd be horrified if a friend told me this.
He's so abusive.

At the time I thought it was sweet that he loved me so much......

That you had to be sexy for him all the time?

He really has ground you down!

Oh for goodness sake OP he’s awful! He sees you as a sex object and his property not an actual human being and equal partner. He’s abusing you!
I once had a boyfriend who sulked because I bought some flat sandals for walking in summer - I dumped him soon after.
You just can’t live the rest of your life like this, please leave him

He doesn't love you. That's why you used to talk about leaving all the time with a therapist. You have accepted this truth although im sure you try to convince yourself now and again (hence the anger) but deep down you have known for ages he doesn't. He pretends to care, he enjoys having a wife, it suits him. You cook and clean and you are available a few times a week for sex. That's much better than being a single divorced middle aged man. The romance is dead. You spend no decent time together, only with the teens. Its over but you refuse to accept it. You have low self esteem and low hopes for a better life without him. Maybe its better what you know than taking a chance on life again-also as a divorced middle aged woman. But please stop making excuses for him and for yourself. The truth is clearer and less stressful. I recommend seperate beds, hobbies of your own and more social time without him. My comment is not written to hurt you. Im sorry for your situation. X

This to me sounds like he didn’t want to go out. He did what he wanted then created an argument where he could blame you. So now you are the problem not him.

OP have you ever owned a dog or cat, even as a child?

I have 1 of each and they worship the ground I walk on. I know that they love me unconditionally, even though they’ve never said it because they can’t speak.

This man could tell you 100x a day that he loves you and wants to be with you forever etc but that doesn’t mean anything because his actions speak way louder.

I don’t understand why you’re buying unsexy PJs instead of telling him to fuck off.
You’re not getting one over on him, he’s still winning because you are still there.

I once read something from a man who said “women will do anything but leave” and loads of men agreed and admitted that they can get away with a lot because of it. They were laughing at how pathetic it was.
It’s stuck in my head because often it’s true and I hate that many men feel this way.

Find your worth.
You deserve so much better.

Really not sure why to non of his "comments" you didnt say. I want to go out, Im not cooking and I dont fancy a take away.

Ill book X restaurant for 7pm. Looking forward to some romance with you.

Because it reads like he made suggestions, you shrugged them off and never actually said what you say here. We dont go out much and I want to.

this is so true

Dear God. You can’t even be comfy in your own home (or warm with tights on) as you’re not sexy enough? Seriously OP, you need to leave this selfish arsehole. Wear something nice on the weekend? Why are you letting him dictate to you what you wear in your own home? You were right to leave a few years ago, shame you went back. This guy will never change.

OMG he is so creepy. He reminds me of the the awful lyrics to the early 1960's song 'Wives and Lovers':

Hey, little girl
Comb your hair, fix your make-up
Soon he will open the door
Don't think because
There's a ring on your finger
You needn't try any more

For wives should always be lovers, too
Run to his arms the moment he comes home to you
I'm warning you

Day after day
There are girls at the office
And men will always be men
Don't send him off
With your hair still in curlers
You may not see him again

Most of the world has moved on from such old fashioned, sexist and ridiculous stereotypes. He doesn't see you as a proper person, just someone to service his sexual needs. He polices what you are allowed to wear and tries to control everything you do. Please make plans to leave him.

I really do try and leave but it's like I'm split into 2. The person I am when he isn't here accepts what it is and is desperate to leave, but the minute he walks through the door its like a switch is flipped and I just shut down to it all or he is "nice" and I tell myself I've got it all wrong and over exaggerated or just think badly if him and I have to start all over again.

I was exactly like this. It's a recognised pattern and about self protection. There will be a way out but for now focus on spotting patterns of behaviour while he's there and naming them to yourself (read Lundy Bancroft for a start). Try to get some counselling (for you alone, NOT as a couple, it's not recommended at all in abusive relationships) and start to build yourself up. Eventually you'll be able to make a plan. Then when you're ready, it's like a switch flips. Took me SO many years but once it had flipped, nothing stopped me. Was like an invisible hand on my back pushing me to keep going, half the process I kept thinking omg what am I doing? But I knew I had to do it. Eventually I did. One step at a time. Recognising that this is NOT OK on any level is the first and biggest step to get your head round. X

I’m so sorry. What an awful situation. You are not his belonging, his appliance, his ornament.
You can do this. One step at a time.

As @EmeraldDreams73 says, this is perfectly normal.

You ARE split into two.

Give the other one a name, a name you like and relate to. It's the name of the buried person inside you, and you need to start listening to her carefully.

Going to add a couple more homework points for you @Iknowdino

1. Google/download (and read) a free pdf file of Lundy Bancroft's Why does he do that
2. Order/library (and read)

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Too-Good-Leave-Bad-Stay/dp/0718141776

You can be free but you need to find the inner warrior inside you. The bit that says no, or enough, or wtf. The angry bit. Nobody will swoop in and save you but if you reach out there are plenty of people who will encourage and support you. But you need to be the one who takes the first step.

Someone I know died today. She was 52. She was treated like this by her husband and talked all the time about leaving him. Always stayed, always it was just ‘not the right time’ … she was so unhappy with that twat , but never got the courage to actually leave. What a waste of a life .. she was a lovely woman and deserved so much better.

I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. No doubt the bastard will cry at her funeral. Guilt!