Have I spoilt the evening?

[Iknowdino]

So husband and I rarely do anything together just us 2. We went to a concert he booked back in November but he only took me after asking a few mates and not finding anyone that would go, definitely not my kind of thing. Previously can't think of when we last did something just us 2 probably 2024 for my birthday. We do lots together with DDS as a family though. Don't even sit in together and watch a film or anything as DDS are teens and always around.

Got a rare night to night as they are both off on a sleepover. Dh has been asking what I want to do all week. Mostly saying how much sex we are going to have. I said I wanted to go out for tea as we havent in ages. He has made comments twice in the week about staying in and getting a take away and about getting something nice in to cook. Both times I have explained I don't want to do this. He will want a Chinese takeway which is crap for me as I am gluten free and no Chinese takeaways around here cater for gf. I explained I don't want to cook as I want a night off from cooking and cleaning and he doesn't cook so would fall to me to buy and cook the meal even if we share cleaning off.

Tonight is the night of the sleepover. He arranged to go out all day and had called me on the way home to ask what I want to do tonight. I said I thought we were going out. His response was, "we don't have to go out, I'm not bothered". This has really upset me and I was pissed off. I said "well if you're not bothered let's not go out" and now he is in a foul mood and not speaking to me saying I've ruined the night. Have I over reacted?? I'm not raging or in a huff it just upset me that he clearly doesn't want to go out and I was stupidly looking forward to it. I just feel like he is intentionally sabotaging it, trying to upset me then telling me I'm the reason we can't go out! Or maybe he doesn't want to be seen out in public with me??

OP, It's very clear that you're in an abusive marriage, and I'm sorry so many posters on here are sticking up for your abuser and trying to both-sides everything you say and patronise you.

This man doesn't like you, let alone love you. He treats you like crap, and you are clearly so worn down by this that you are allowing him to.

What would it take for you to do what you should have done many years ago and walk away from this person? I'm sure plenty of people on Mumsnet could offer you advice and answer any questions you have that may be stopping you getting away from this man as quickly as possible and actually building yourself the happy life you deserve.

I’m really sorry OP, that sounds grim 😔 I don’t think your problem is the date night. There are much deeper issues here that need attention.

You make a compelling point. OP has provided more info since my comment. I retract my suggestions and repent in dust and ashes! He is behaving awfully 😞

He suggested a take away she can’t eat. Like fuck would he ‘source a lovely meal’. He wanted sex, not connecting with the op.

id say I feel so disregarded when your ideas of a rare date night were a takeaway I can’t eat, and staying in meaning I cook- basically you wanted sex and didn’t give a fuck what I want. Like many women I’m geared to want sex with men who care about me, so I’ve decided it’s off the table until you cook or take me out to a nice meal. And if you think that’s overreacting in many many marriages this could be fixed by tomorrow, but you doing something nice for me like that just about never happens so that won’t be our marriage.

i type while eating the fresh fish tacos my husband made.

You can have chicken egg fried rice? That is naturally gluten free

Soy sauce contains gluten, so no.

(I’ve asked MNHQ to remove my original comment as it was posted very early on in the thread before OP had provided full context and background about her husband’s extensive poor behaviour)

I've learnt to book a table if I want to go out

Thank you all so much for the replies. It really is food for thought. I've started to realise he has a habit of turning things round on me and making me out to be the one in the wrong when I'm fairly sure I'm not. But I have a habit of believing him when he says I'm wrong, even when I'm sure I'm not!

I don't know what's wrong with me. It's like he can be as horrible as he wants to me but I just want to try harder to prove I'm worth loving. It's pathetic. Logistically, whilst there are challenges, leaving isn't impossible. I have my own money and I'm used to doing every thing myself as he doesn't help or support me. I just can't. I even got as far as moving my stuff out and actually leaving in 2023 but then he basically said I love you don't go and I moved straight back in!! I had counselling on my own and the general gist from the therapist was that I'm never going to leave so our work is done.

Christ you need a better bloody therapist!!!

hes DARVOing you and it's very easy to say I love you but actions speak much louder than words

Does he have any good points at all?

Well, currently, not really. But he used it have so many. He was the sweetest, most lovely person. I don't know where the person has gone tbh. He once drove across the country to come and see me for an hour and then drove all the way back. Its like he got a personality transplant back in 2019 and the man I knew vanished almost over night. One of the things I loved about him was how I could always rely on him to be truthful and honest even if it wasn't always what I wanted to hear. I don't know though, I think he has always been a dick and maybe I started to become wise to it and he started to push back as he wasn't getting everything his own way.

He sounds horrible OP. Did you go out?

And for anyone wondering, we did go out for greek food. The food was amazing. The company not so much but he did snap out of his mood after his nap and it was ok. We were out the house for a grand total of just under 2 hours and he asked if I wanted to go for a drink because "he wasn't arsed". So we didn't.

Then my lovely I suggest you start seriously thinking whether you want to spend the rest of your one precious life with a sex pest fun sponge who puts your needs & wishes last xxx

That was seven years ago. It's not a temporary thing, this is who he is now.

don’t blame the therapist - that was the right call. Sometimes people aren’t ready and no amount of talking will make them ready.

Do you really think they should have kept taking OP’s money year in year out having the same conversation coming to the same conclusion but OP doing nothing to follow through on it?

I knew he wouldn't let you go out alone.

He was hardly likely to stay in & feed himself was he?

But of course he couldn't let you have it all your way & made sure that there would be no drinks out as well.

He really does just get his own way all the time doesn't he?

Do you have any feelings or respect for him?

It's pretty clear that he has none for you.

Sounds to me that he just doesn't want to spend any time with just you but wants all the perks of the relationship that suits him.
He doesn't sound that nice tbh.

Yes the therapist was right. No point me talking every week about how I want to leave and then doing nothing at all. It was just stuck in a rut.... That's lasted far too long

I don't know what's wrong with me. It's like he can be as horrible as he wants to me but I just want to try harder to prove I'm worth loving. It's pathetic.

That's the trouble with a shitty relationship, you start thinking you have to work double-hard just to be treated kindly. I was with someone like this for the best part of 20 years and I remember the constant feeling that I had some sort of very low credit score that I had to keep topping up.

I'm afraid the longer you stay in this relationship, the more it will erode you.

Yes, everything is his way all the time. Or he turns very nasty and then sulks. If I want anything different there is always a reason why what I want is stupid, too expensive, not the right time, and therefore I'm stupid!!
But no, he was never going to let me go out on my own. He ended the night by having another strop because I put my nighty on at bed time and I wasn't sexy enough so he got up and left... I was pleased though.

He ended the night by having another strop because I put my nighty on at bed time and I wasn't sexy enough so he got up and left... I was pleased though

Jeez OP, sorry but this is dead in the water.

I don't blame you for being pleased! But please stop subjecting yourself to this awful behaviour any longer.

So. Are you going to act?

@Iknowdino you told him you'd leave if things didn't change, well they haven't changed at all. Do you really want to spend your whole life doing what he wants because he isn't going to change.

So he’s a great DH when he’s getting his own way but when you want yo do something different , he’s a childish sulking pathetic mood hoover?

Do you really want to waste the rest of your life treading on eggshells unless you pander to his every whim?