DH threw toy at me & it hit our baby

[Mayday85]

Title says it all. I’m in shock. My cozy, safe family has collapsed.

I blame myself partly, or maybe fully. I don’t know. We’ve been struggling with our baby at night. He barely sleeps and will cry loudly, waking our 2 year old. He’s got reflux poor thing. We have to rock him vigorously to calm him, for most of the night. Tonight he was screaming and I snapped at something DH said. I told him to F off twice. He threw one of those plastic eggs at me but it hit our baby on the head.

My worlds collapsed. He’s an amazing dad and everything he does is for our family. But I can’t be with him anymore can I?

We aren’t usually argumentative. We don’t row much and don’t swear at each other. I know we both sound awful reading this back, but we’re good people. Calm and happy parents.

I live away from friends and family. I can’t talk to anyone about this. What do I do? Please be kind. I’m not usually someone who would swear like that. I’m ill and tired and overwhelmed.

You both sound bloody exhausted. You describe him as a good man and ackowledge your own role in the tension, so on the basis of what you've said there is no need to consider leaving him or anything like that. Try and be kind to each other, this will get easier.

One of the Tomy hide and squeak eggs? If so, they’re quite heavy and could have really hurt you or your child depending how it was thrown. You shouldn’t be telling him yo fuck off but he really needs to control his temper. It’s awful and there is a lot of minimising happening here. Most parents have times where they are exhausted but they aren’t throwing things at their partner.

I really hope this doesn’t escalate, as it so often does.

Op says it was a heavy object. That is a game changer for me. To throw a heavy object at your partner - and in the direction of your child - is very serious. I have changed my mind about this. He has this in him. What will he throw the next time he loses it? His fist?

Talk to gp about your both anxiety
Talking to soneobe might help
Hire in some help to rock baby while you sleep

It sounds as though they both acted out of character through sleep deprivation, and if they’re normally calm and happy together, as OP says, l don’t think she needs to catastrophise and worry about him being abusive. It was a one off - l’m not minimising it, and l think they should both recognise that they’ve been lucky neither of them were injured, and move on from it. Maybe a word with the health visitor about coping with sleep deprivation, and with the GP to see if more can be done to make baby comfortable.

When I read the title it was an immediate LTB for me. I don’t put up with this type of nonsense.

However once I read that lack of sleep was involved and you told him to fuck off twice, this one I could get past as long as he’s never done this before and you don’t regularly speak to him like that.

i think a good chat with each other including acknowledging your mistakes is in order. And a promise not to react this way again

Some one has never had a fractious baby to deal with or handed it over to someone else.
Lack of sleep is torturous to even the most east going person, the whole point is that the parents are working as a team in the main term.
There are some bat shit responses on here OP. You know your situation the best, do what is right for you and not randoms on MN whose answer to everything is ltb

Honestly- this is just life. You are both tired, both behaved badly, collateral damage will happen. I am just concerned that everyone seems to want to give up on partnerships immediately without looking at the wider context or understanding the full picture.

^

This 100pc
Sleep deprivation is torturous. Makes us say and do things that we wouldn't normally do.
Carry on loving and caring for each other. Things will get better

I wouldn’t class a toy egg as a heavy object?

I agree with the general consensus above that if it is a one off and he is very apologetic it isn’t marriage ending at all. My husband and I have been very happily married for nearly 20 years and the only time we have sworn at each other was also in the middle of the night with screaming babies!

OP, I'm going to defend you saying 'fuck off' - it's just words, sometimes needed! The main cause is the illness and sleep deprivation, and your husband didn't react appropriately. You might do differently if you could turn back time, but don't rush to blame yourself.

Surely both need anger management or is that only for men? She lost her temper too.

Snapping and swearing isn't the same thing as throwing something at someone holding a baby.

Aww bless you both- you are sleep deprived and sounds like you both acted (badly) out of character. This will pass - just apologise and move on

Be kind to yourself and to each other. It must have been an awful moment but you both deeply regret it. I think it’s a good idea for your DH to take a few days off work. You can take turns catching up on sleep and maybe get out for a walk or coffee. It sounds so hard with a sick baby and a toddler!! I was so grumpy and rude when I was sleep deprived with my DC. Take care OP.

I agree with you but she doesnt have to self flagellate on here, I think she is just answering the previous posters who all, predictably, focus only on the husband and not on OPs behaviour also

OP it will be fine.

have not read anything apart from OPs posts.
So what are you going to do now?
my tip would be: white noise for toddler, make sure they can't be disturbed by noise
take it in turns with partner to settle the baby. Preferably taking the nights turn and turn about, with time for the "night duty" parent to catch up on sleep next day.

It's not ideal swearing and throwing - but you need to make sure that only one of you is being disturbed at a time.

I think you were right in the first post. What he did is really fucked up and you should not be quick to forgive or forget. You swearing doesn't justify his response at all

This wouldn't be a dealbreaker for me.

You both behaved badly. The fact the egg hit the baby is an unfortunate result of both of your actions.

Was he mortified when it hit the baby? If not, then that’s an issue.

realistically you’re both sleep deprived and that can make our fuses short. I don’t think I’d be reacting to say I can’t be with him anymore. Sounds like a massive overreaction. Make up and accept you’re both knackered.

Sleep deprivation does insane things to you. I had all SORTS of mad thoughts in first 6 months.
Do NOT do anything hasty. It doesn’t sound like your husband is in anyway abusive - the egg chucking was stupid and unpleasant at worst. Plus, you told him to F off which won’t have helped (no blame here - I really can empathise with this whole thing).
Give it a few months, even a couple of years and you will most likely find that things are cozy, safe and settled, just like you always thought.

Reflux should have been sorted by this age. Have you looked into CMPA? my baby's CMPA symptom was horrible reflux. He needed to be completely dairy free.

By an adult in a temper? What kind of toddler groups were these?

obviously being facetious but these eggs weigh 50g each and one being thrown by an angry adult would hurt.

They are the Tomy ones which weigh around 50 grams each, same as a golf ball.