DH threw toy at me & it hit our baby

[Mayday85]

Title says it all. I’m in shock. My cozy, safe family has collapsed.

I blame myself partly, or maybe fully. I don’t know. We’ve been struggling with our baby at night. He barely sleeps and will cry loudly, waking our 2 year old. He’s got reflux poor thing. We have to rock him vigorously to calm him, for most of the night. Tonight he was screaming and I snapped at something DH said. I told him to F off twice. He threw one of those plastic eggs at me but it hit our baby on the head.

My worlds collapsed. He’s an amazing dad and everything he does is for our family. But I can’t be with him anymore can I?

We aren’t usually argumentative. We don’t row much and don’t swear at each other. I know we both sound awful reading this back, but we’re good people. Calm and happy parents.

I live away from friends and family. I can’t talk to anyone about this. What do I do? Please be kind. I’m not usually someone who would swear like that. I’m ill and tired and overwhelmed.

@Mayday85 I wish I'd left the first time my dh threw something at me while I was holding my baby

I once through a bottle of calpol across the room. My toddler DS had a high temperature abd refused to take it and I was so scared for him.

There are times to LTB and there are times to be understanding to yourself and those you love. Let this be a catalyst for positive change, even if you can only manage tiny changes at the moment.

When your cozy, safe family collapses

This is exactly what we did.

OP I said some absolutely disgusting things in the middle of the night with our babies - sometimes about the babies which was terrible 😔 We were stressed and knackered, my middle one woke us sometimes 15 times a night until she was 3! I think his reaction makes it clear he is not an abusive person.

Sit down and make a "crisis" plan - what are you going to agree to do when it starts to escalate. Leave the room? Take turns to sleep elsewhere etc.

Also for you, if you feel you need extra support please think about speaking to your GP or HV for referral to a Perinatal mental health service - this is where I work and we would absolutely have women on our caseload having this experience

Totally off topic but I’ve gone through this myself with both my kids and the sleep deprivation was horrendous. They are older now and hindsight is great, many of our issues related to constipation and we didn’t realise it at the time as the focus was all on the reflux. Be careful with the omnprezole, it made mine worse and caused tummy pain and insomnia. Not saying you will have the same experience but something to keep an eye on. Solids were a nightmare for us too. Feel free to pm me

This.

Gosh reflux babies are hard work, but this too shall pass.

Try to give each other a few hours sleep today.

What a lovely informative post and offering help via dm, Mumsnet can be so good.

Not sleeping can make anybody loose it. I'm sure after this it'll not happen again.
Can you ask somebody who knows how to care for colicy babies come and take care of the baby at night, maybe a relative or friend? Just for a night here and there. You sound exausted.

It was a plastic egg and it was a one off. Don’t blow things out of proportion. The years with young children are a huge strain. We’ve never been over argumentative but I threw a vase due to sheer exhaustion and frustration one day (admittedly not at him, just on the floor). Totally out of character for me. So long as there was a sincere apology I’d put it to bed and move on.

Don’t beat yourself up anymore please. Telling someone to fuck off, while definitely not ideal, certainly isn’t the crime of the century. My husband and I are a solid couple, deeply in love with a lot of respect for each other but in the dead of the night, with a reflux-y baby who sleeps very little and an older child being woken by it and disturbed in the night, we’ve said things we’d never even dream of saying to each other normally.

Big hugs to you OP. This is such a hard stage in life. You’re both trying. You’re both human.

My second DS had the most horrendous silent reflux as a baby. It was hell. Hospital admirations, medication, constant screaming. It drove DH and I to the brink and he is a specialist paediatric consultant (I won't say what as it's outing!)

We had no sleep for a year, DS dropped to the .5 percentile, wouldn't eat and had failure to thrive (I'm sure he lived of calories from air for the first year). I was beside myself, desperate to get nutrition in him. It got better as he hit 8 months but even afterwards DS co slept with me for a long time and I spent his childhood worrying about his size and how much he ate.

However, he is now a strong, healthy, incredibly gifted 17 yr old. He's not the tallest, but has at least reached his Dad's height and is very fit- played defence in footie for years and was a real powerhouse. It does get better. Give yourselves a break and have a chat about what you can do to support each other through this. I promise it will pass!!

It seems like normal human behaviour to me. You are both sleep deprived and lost control. Apologise and move on. You need to sort out the sleep though. Can you do shifts so that you both get a bit more sleep?

I would go to your parents, not to punish your DH but for support because it sounds like you desperately need it from people who are not also frazzled and at the end of their tether. Trying to do this all on your own when you actually don't need to isn't good for you both or the baby. And like it or not, they do pick up on tension.

Our child had terrible silent reflux for 18 months during which he could only very rarely sleepmore than a couple of hours in one go. He could eat just fine, but could never sleep in anything like a horizontal position. We put him on Omeprazole for a few months at around 7-8 months and for us it improved things maybe 10%. Sometimes there just isn’t a solution for these digestive issues and they just need to reach maturity.

The best thing we heard in a way was at around 12 months a specialist told us - just accept it and ride it out. Because the internet always insists there’s another solution just around the corner, and have your tried ABCDEFGH etc etc (often from well intentioned people whose sleep deprivation lasted only month or two when their child was a few months old) when in reality sometimes there isn’t. But hope the omeprazole works for you guys!

It does bother me how heavy his choices of weapon was, to be honest. In a very, very similar situation I threw a light cushion at DH. It still wasn’t my finest hour but the choice of missile was intentional. It’s worth asking if it had hit you, if he’d be just as sorry

so the husband needs therapy but nothing is said about OP telling him to F off twice.

@Mayday85 have you had your baby checked for SIBO? It stands for small intestinal bacterial overgrowth and it can cause vomiting and gastric upset - fixable with a short course of meds. I work in childcare and one of our kids recently had it and was successfully treated for it, it was much worse at night for him which potentially lines up with what you're experiencing. Worth getting it checked out if you haven't ruled it out already.

My DC2 had terrible reflux at night and had to be night weaned as breastfeeding made it worse. Lack of sleep does awful things to people, and I don't think you or your DH are bad parents, you're good parents cracking under extreme pressure. Be kind to yourselves, having 2 very small children is a lot of work and worry - and remember that before you know it, this time will be over and they'll be much less work, and you'll be looking at the cute baby/toddler photos having forgotten entirely how hard this phase was!

My DH and I had our worst ever argument in the middle of the night next to an inconsolable new born and a toddler in the next room. I had PND, we were both extremely sleep deprived and running on empty.

It didn’t get violent but our words were vicious. 15 years later I still think about that awful night every now and again.

Try and put it behind you if it’s a one-off and tag-team the sleeping for a while x

Poor baby but mine have had those little eggs chucked at them at baby and toddler groups many times and they’ve been ok. Lack of sleep is literally torture. I’m sure he felt bad about it? My partner and I have definitely argued and snapped at each other more while sleep deprived. Just take every day as it comes and see if you can offer each other a couple of hours chill time….we take it in turns so we can get out the house and relax a bit

How did he react after it happened op? What did he do immediately after?

I think you both need sleep and support with your baby more than therapy.
No amount of therapy is going to make a difference to people severely sleep deprived with no end in sight.

Dont be too hard on yourself, OP. It sounds like you have a massive amount on your plate and are very sleep deprived. You both did things you regret, but it sounds to me like you were both pushed to breaking point.

He sounds truly sorry and so do you. I think you can move on from this but omg I hope they can sort the babies problems out as it sounds horrendous!

You have a newborn, you're both going to be sleep-deprived. Your family, life and marriage are absolutely fine. All of you will be fine. Babies are also very resilient, a plastic egg landing on baby's head won't do any damage and baby won't even remember it.

Honestly this will pass and you'll look back on it all and laugh (not the sleep deprivation, though, there's a reason it's a method of torture).

Oh one of my kids was like this, and they're all in their 30s now. It's hellish. I still break out in a hot sweat when I hear that certain pitch of scream.

I remember at the time both of us wearing big headphones / ear defenders and watching foreign films with subtitles.

Have to say, we managed to ride it out by taking baby elsewhere (out of the house) so one of us had the opportunity of some uninterrupted sleep.

Could you take it in turns to go to your parents (with baby - don't leave an adult alone in the house with that) once or twice a week for a break?

My heart goes out to you, but there's a big difference between intentional and accidental. And a big difference between reckless and thoughtless.