DH threw toy at me & it hit our baby

[Mayday85]

Title says it all. I’m in shock. My cozy, safe family has collapsed.

I blame myself partly, or maybe fully. I don’t know. We’ve been struggling with our baby at night. He barely sleeps and will cry loudly, waking our 2 year old. He’s got reflux poor thing. We have to rock him vigorously to calm him, for most of the night. Tonight he was screaming and I snapped at something DH said. I told him to F off twice. He threw one of those plastic eggs at me but it hit our baby on the head.

My worlds collapsed. He’s an amazing dad and everything he does is for our family. But I can’t be with him anymore can I?

We aren’t usually argumentative. We don’t row much and don’t swear at each other. I know we both sound awful reading this back, but we’re good people. Calm and happy parents.

I live away from friends and family. I can’t talk to anyone about this. What do I do? Please be kind. I’m not usually someone who would swear like that. I’m ill and tired and overwhelmed.

I really feel for you OP. Sounds horrendous and you have both behaved badly but you’re both knackered. Hope you can get some support, ime once they are on solids the reflux gets a bit better but definitely worth checking for allergies if not already done.

Be kind to yourself OP. You must find a way to get some sleep. We did the 6pm-midnight one parent sleeps, one is on duty. Midnight-6am other parent sleeps. Then Sat I had lie in. Sunday DH had a lie in. I wouldn’t say we were well rested, but we could cope.

OP, I'm sorry it's so tough on you all right now. I also had a CMPA baby and it was like torture at times (for her and then me being awake all the time).
In a 24 hour period, it was lucky if DD would sleep 3 hours. Horrendous and often by the time she slept, I couldn't sleep before she was screaming again.

I really hope the omeprazole helps and just sorry it has taken so long for it to be prescribed. It was very helpful for my DD. She was on formula so had the dairy free and initially did still need a thickener in it but could reduce the thickener quickly after the omeprazole.

It sounds like both you and DH have had quite a fright in your own reactions to the extreme tiredness and it sounds a good plan for him to go off sick for a bit whilst all this is going on.

I hope things settle soon.

Oh dear, I feel for you both. In those dark days we quietly forgot about how evil we were to each other and let it go.

An unspoken understanding of what goes on at 3am stays at 3am.

I posted earlier that this is not a LTB scenario and I think I still believe that. However, you have now said that the egg was quite heavy which changes how I now view this. The impulse for someone to strike another with a heavy object with a baby in the room is very serious. It isn’t a natural instinct for most of us. While swearing at someone is harmful, I would argue that most of us have done that in anger but most have us have not thrown a heavy object at a partner. I don’t know what you do with this.

You both badly need support. I am not best placed to tell you where to get it but others on here probably will be.

Reflux and the sleep deprivation that accompany it are absolutely brutal. I defy any couple never to say/ do anything out of character when it’s been months and months of relentless sleeplessness and crying. You start to lose your mind a bit I think.
It sounds like an extreme fizzing over rather than any sort of pattern. You both apologise, and then try to move forward. You need a better system though - proper turn taking rather than both being on your knees at all times. I really hope you find some treatment that works 🌺

Many moons ago, me and DH were completely sleep deprived we had just gone through the extremely traumatic lost of loosing triplets at twenty weeks pregnant. Both our existing kids weren’t sleeping, and through sleep deprivation and pure anger of grief I shamely slapped my husband across the face during an argument.
Still together now nearly a decade later, we barely aruge either. One slip up doesn’t mean you need to end your relationship and one slip up doesn’t make someone abusive. We are all only human. Both of you need to get some sleep.

Sleep deprivation is the worst thing I’ve ever experienced. Your DH made a mistake, telling him to fuck off twice was horrible and my DH would be more upset by that than me throwing something at him. Can you take nights in turns so you both get some sleep? Sleep separately with ear plugs? So you’re both getting enough sleep? Until I had my son, I didn’t understand what sleep deprivation was but it made me the unhappiest person I’ve ever been and I could happily have throttled my DH for no reason at all… I hated everyone and everything! It does get easier but you both need to be kind to each other and realise this isn’t about you and your relationship… sleep deprivation is a form of torture remember!!

Not what you asked but have you considered food allergy?

What did he do before you told him to off ?
It's so hard being sleep deprived, torture.

A plastic egg weighing 50g so like a golf ball?

I think half the posters commenting assume it’s like one of those hollow eggs you get at. Easter.

it’s not, op has confirmed.

BTW I’m not necessarily immediate LTB but it is very serious and I would be very cautious in future.

God you poor thing. You both sound so stressed and overwhelmed. Could you afford a night nanny once a week so you actually get some sleep?

I 100% agree but not involving violence. Throwing a 50g object at your partner is not ok ever. It would really hurt at the right force/angle.

You’re both severely sleep deprived. None of this was intentional. Your DH has apologised profusely and feels terrible. So do you. It’s one of those things that happened and you’re both sorry about.

You’ll be doing more good for your kids and each other to move on. The sleep deprivation is something most of us go through with babies. Mine had reflux too. We were sleep deprived and running on empty. And it feels like it’ll never end. And then it does - and it will for you x

Bless you both. There’s a reason sleep deprivation is used as a method of torture. You both sound like good people operating at the limit of your capacity. Your husband responded appropriately to his awful behaviour, so did you. Try and love each other past this and I really hope your little one improves now he has meds. My son had reflux and it was the worst. He grew out of it. This too shall pass.

Cut yourself some slack. You both sound like very caring parents at the end of your tether and it would be very difficult to find people who wouldn't struggle in the same situation. I hope you get some rest soon and are laughing about it all before you know it.

OP give yourself some grace. Forgive yourself and forgive your OH. I do sometimes wonder at the lives lived by some MNers. Have they really never lived through acute stress and been the very worst version of themselves?!

Gosh I feel for you. I had a high needs baby. Happened during lockdown. It nearly killed me. And it definitely tore strips out of what I would gave termed a strong marriage.

Iwill be honest and say I recognize both your behaviour and your husbands. My reality was far from idea. I was far from ideal. I was also deeply ashamed of myself and my husband. And there was no sleep and no help. It was horrific.

My advice - try your best. Keep trying your best. Yoga with Adrienne on you tube really helped me. Helped bring down my heart rate. Rage is a physiological response to extremely difficult situations. It might feel uncontrollable. But you can. When you feel the rage coming, leave the room. Breathe. Talk to your husband honestly about how it felt for both of you. NOT with a view to blame and shame, but with a view to not repeating it. For us, we came up with simply leaving the room when we felt the rage start.

You Will Get Through This. Your baby will get older. Ours had multiple allergies, severe eczema, asthma, etc. He still has issues.... But it is so much easier.
In the interim - try to be kind to yourself and your husband. Show a bit of love and understanding.

Of course if his physical behavior escalated that's a very different issue.

Get a pram rocker

Saved my sanity

Seems you both need to apologise to each other and show each other some grace. You have acted unusually and so has he.

These dark days don't last; don't throw away a usually healthy relationship because of a one off bad day.

Can you ask your health visitor for support around the reflux? A baby swing can be very helpful in these cases and helped both my boys (and my sanity). Definitely consider food allergies too.

Lastly, when it gets hard like this because it will again, please remember you are a team against the problem. Rest when children sleep, even if it's just sitting in silence and having a cuddle with your DH. You are actually very lucky to have each other, please don't take it for granted.

Sleep deprivation is awful. When I had DC1 I quickly realised why it was used as a form of torture. DC1 was a terrible sleeper and it took forever for us to realise it was because of feeding issues & a dairy allergy. It sounds like you’re going through the wringer with your DC2 in a similar way.

Me and DH eventually decided to alternate nights as it was truly the only way we could ever catch up on some sleep. One of us slept in the spare room whilst the other one committed to being up most of the night with baby DC. It was still tiring but at least you always knew that if you had a terrible night you would get some sleep the night after.

The behaviour you both displayed comes across as two people at the absolute end of their tether. But you need to use this as a catalyst to try and redress the balance and find a way of getting some sleep between you. Could anyone in the family watch baby DC in the day so you could have a really decent long nap perhaps? Or maybe as I said above, alternate nights for a short time?

Most people snap and do/say horrible things they regret when extremely tired and stressed. Not condoning it. But it happens.

A constantly crying baby is very tiring and stressful. The advice is always to put the baby somewhere safe and step away until you’re calmer. Get some fresh air, take deep breaths, have a cup of tea.

One of my DSs was a terrible sleeper. But it will pass. Now, it’s the opposite and he struggles to get out of bed on days off!

I just wanted to say - thank you for sharing this. Some of the posters on MN.... They are so hideously self righteous and judgmental. It's takes courage and humility to share the less than perfect version of ourselves in order to help others see that - while absolutely not something to be proud of - these things do sometimes happen.

While it is never ok to do this.... It is not the same thing as a pattern of abusive behaviour. For me - what you and I shared and what the OP described is like an alarm going off. A warning signal that a boundary could be being crossed and to draw back. It is an opportunity to question the situation deeply and work together, love each other, and come up with ways of drawing back from that boundary.

OP I truly wish you well. There are many of us that have been through the hell you describe and brought it back from the brink. You can too. And there are many anonymous women willing you forward on that path. Be kind to yourself and husband today and move past this.

Both you and your DH need a cuddle and some uninterrupted sleep. You poor things! It's so, so hard, this stage.

You know he didn't mean to hit your baby, and he probably didn't even mean to throw it at you. It's an out of character snap from someone who's at the end of his tether, as you are too.

The thing about tiny babies is - nothing stays the same for long. If it's hell now, it WILL get better. Things change and most babies revert to the norm for baby-stuff. They stop fussing all evening. (Eventually) They sleep for longer periods. You both get more sleep, and you both start understanding more about your baby, which helps you feel less impotent in the face of all that crying.

Are there any supportive newborn groups you can go to? Some of them are happy to have dads too and maybe he'd like a chance to talk to other knackered dads who might feel similarly stressed.

This will pass.

Swearing does not equate to violence. However rude it is. He's have been justified in swearing in reply, but not in using weapons.

Sending you umMN hugs from someone who has not been in the baby game for nearly 2 decades (and didn’t have sleep torture like you are both enduring).

please neither of you beat yourselves up. Rally together and realise it will get better but it’s really really hard right now.