In-laws ruining my postpartum experience

[NewMum1989]

FYI this is a long one and if you stick with it I want to thank you for listening. My LO is 5 weeks old and I’m mourning the newborn bubble I should have had. This is more than likely going to be my only child, and even if they aren’t I feel like my in-laws have totally ruined my experience and I feel really tearful and depressed when I think about it. Since my LO was born they have been overbearing and had next to no boundaries and I’ve started to resent my partner because of them. My LO was born around 4am and because I had to have an emergency forceps delivery I had to go to a recovery unit post surgery. At 8am that same morning my in laws were pestering my partner to come and visit in hospital. I was still in recovery at this point where no visiting was allowed but they kept insisting we ask the midwives to make an exception. I was probably feeling the most vulnerable I have ever felt in my life. My LO was fresh out the womb, I was numb from the boobs down, bleeding onto an incontinence sheet and I had a catheter in. Plus I was exhausted from a long labour. The in-laws messaged my partner telling him we were being malicious by not letting them visit.
I had to stay in hospital for 24 hour monitoring and that evening my partner gave in and allowed them to visit which I was not happy with. The next day I was discharged around 6pm. My partner had asked my in-laws to go to the house and put our heating on so we weren’t going home to a cold house. What I didn’t expect was for them to stay there until we arrived home. I was really quite overwhelmed at this point and went in the shower and just cried and cried.
My partner had 3 weeks paternity and I can honestly say his in-laws were over our house every single day apart from maybe 4/5 days. One of those days being Christmas Day which they wanted us to go over to them for but we said no. They then completely ignored my partner’s calls on Christmas Day because we kept it just the 3 of us in our own home.
My mother in law has zero boundaries, she keeps kissing my LO on the face even though I’ve asked people not to. One day as my MIL was leaving, my LO was on the breast feeding, she only went to kiss their head while they were attached to my boob! Thankfully I think she saw my face and decided against it!
She wears extremely powerful perfume and when I take my LO back off her I can smell it on them. I then bath my LO as soon as possible because I just think that can’t be good for their little lungs.
My sister gave me the pram my mum had bought her for my nephews and I’d planned on using that. My family are not very well off financially and my mum had saved along time to buy that pram for my sister so it was sentimental for me to have it and use it. But the MIL (who is well off financially and likes to show it) had to go out and buy this ridiculously expensive pram for us as a surprise. This also really upset me because now I’m stuck with this big bulky, impractical pram that doesn’t fit in my car properly instead of the pram that actually meant something to me.
They also ruined the naming our LO. We had two names we loved but we couldn’t decide which one we liked better, so we took our time. My in-laws kept on and on asking what they were until eventually my partner told them. Again, a decision I wasn’t happy with. The in-laws then decided to take it upon themselves to start calling my LO the name they preferred of the two. My partner then didn’t want to use that name because he didn’t want his parents thinking they had named our child for us. At this point all the joy had been taken out of the process and after we registered our LO my partner said he wasn’t sure we’d made the right decision. Again I was in floods of tears.
I thought my partner would have been a little stricter with his parents and I’m really quite angry at him as I feel this chapter of my life has been ruined. He also says to me that he thinks his mother loves our LO more than us which really upsets me.
If you’ve made it this far then thank you for reading. This is just the tip of the iceberg and I’m not really sure what I wanted to achieve by posting this. I guess I just needed to vent and get it off my chest.

Where is your mother in all of this?

Your DH needs to put strict boundaries in place now. You need to assist this. Why are you using the pram they bought you which you don't want and doesn't suit your needs?

Your partner is thoroughly enabling their batshittery, and you really need to lay the law down with him and explain in no uncertain terms that YOU AND YOUR BABY are his family now. The three of you are a family unit and he has to treat you as such. His parents are outside your new family unit. He has to stop bending over backwards to accommodate them, and start bending over backwards to accommodate you and your dc.

At any point have you used your voice and spoken to him or them?

I'm sorry but I think you are being a little precious, which is understandable because you just had a baby. Her crimes seem to be she is excited about baby, wants to see them, wanted to know their name and bought them a pram.

Not sure what her op’s mother has to do with anything.

Op, your h is a wet blanket.

Im afraid you’re going to really have to bite back yourself. Put the in laws their box. You’re in charge. You’re a parent now and need to step up for what you want and when you want it.

Your partner is the issue more than your in laws.

You also need to open your mouth and start saying no to things you don’t want. It’s hard but you will get better if you practice.

PS the perfume thing. It’s a primal response, my Mum wears the same light perfume as me and I still couldn’t stand the smell of it on my baby. So that’s just a post partum thing it’s not something she is doing to you.

What a stupid and potentially insensitive comment! We know nothing about Op’s relationship with her mum or even if she’s around.

Oh bollocks! She (MIL) is totally out of order and you know it.
@NewMum1989 Tell your mother in law to fuck off and leave you alone and make your wet lettuce DH take the pram back round to her house and tell them it's not wanted.

Your partner has been accommodating his parents rather than the woman who just gave birth to his baby.

Time to talk to him about being a partner first or a son first. He can't have both.

I get you're not feeling up to setting boundaries now. But you're going to have to before you snap.

If your partner refuses to prioritize you and set some limits with his parents, you'll send him back once you're more recovered.

Also, please have your GP screen for PND. Having in laws interfering to such an extent can really batter your mental health when you're recently post partum.

I thought my partner would have been a little stricter with his parents and I’m really quite angry at him as I feel this chapter of my life has been ruined.

As usual, you have a DH problem.

Say no to visits, or take yourself away to another room if they visit.

Give back the pram and use the one you want to use.

Start advocating for you and your baby with or without your DH. Tell him clearly what you expect from him and how you will deal
with issues if he doesn’t.

(I had a horrific forceps delivery too and my mum ripped
my DH a new one for even suggesting his parents might come and stay with us rather than in a hotel up the road (as had previously been discussed several times). He has been the first to hold a boundary since.)

You do realise that you don't have to sit back and passively do nothing while your in laws do what they like? Speak up for goodness sake! And have a stern word with your DH too, he sounds like a wimp. You don't have to be unpleasant, you can just tell them firmly what they can do and what not to do. For instance, you can tell them that the pram isn't right for you so you're going to use the one you've chosen. They can sell it as presumably it's been used and can't be returned. You can ask MIL to tone down the perfume as baby stinks of it when she's been holding her and it gives you a headache. The kissing on the head, I would let go, it's not going to harm your baby.

they sound like a nightmare. If this doesn’t get nipped in the bud asap it will only get worse as your baby gets older and your mental health will deteriorate further. I’m speaking from experience, you only get to raise your child once, you can’t re do it. Stop their bs now and tell your partner he needs to grow a pair of balls and support you! You and the baby should be his priority now not his parents.

To be honest, at least your mother in law is interested. Some grandparents dont want to help. Why not ask your mother in law to hold the baby, whilst you have a bath or nap? You just need to communicate clearly and be kind. It was nice of your mother in law to buy a pram, maybe you can suggest opening a child bond instead. In the future you might need her help with childcare.

Time for your DH to step up. Things have changed and he needs to put you and baby first and stop being such a people pleasing wet drip

So stick up for yourself! I understand in the first few weeks you were vulnerable and needed to recover but now it’s time to start defending your choices and life. Nobody’s going to do it for you.

As someone who put up with this sort of thing and now finds myself more than a decade later finally putting boundaries in place and dealing with huge sadness at everything I let happen to me back then - please please tell your husband to make them stop. You don’t have to seem lovely, you don’t have to be nice, you can do what is right for you and they can not like it. It is so much easier said than done and it took my husband more than ten years to see what his parents had done to us and what they had taken from us with their demands, delusions and manipulations. I wish I could reach back through time and tell myself to sort it out right back at the start. Huge sympathy to you for having this to deal with at what is such a vulnerable, precious and fleeting time.

If her mum is no longer around then I could see how her MIL might appear to have taken over.

Send you sympathies OP - they've been completely out of order, and your DP sounds more concerned with keeping the peace with his parents than with giving you what you need. I know it's difficult because you're probably sleep deprived and still recovering from a difficult birth which is overwhelming, but you do need to be firmer with them. They've had their baby, now it's your turn to have yours on your terms. The pram can be folded up - it doesn't suit you and it wasn't what you wanted to use, so ask them if they can store it at their house - it'll be handy having one there if they're ever babysitting. The amount of time they spend with you can easily be controlled - either you or your partner need to say it doesn't suit, you'll let them know when to pop round that week.

Stand strong - you have every right to decide what you want for you and your family. I'm sure they are very excited, but their excitement doesn't trump your right to this time with your baby on your terms (your - you and your dp).

Your in-laws aren’t the only ones without boundaries. Your partner obviously doesn’t have boundaries either. He needs to protect your peace by saying “no” to his family visits and/or turning them away. He must also hold those boundaries without making out to them that you “made him do it.”

I think the posters telling you to use your own voice etc are being a little harsh. I had a very traumatic first birth, and combined with all the hormones, exhaustion, and my (previously) people pleasing personality, I too would have really struggled in your position. You are so vulnerable, even now at 5 weeks. Your partner needs to nip his family’s behaviour the bud now and he mustn’t let you feel guilty in any way. If his family have anything negative to say about it then he can keep that to himself.

Why didn’t you ask them to return the pram????

You need to use your voice and tell them bluntly to back right off. You need to tell your partner bluntly that you expect his support there.

With regard to several other things you mentioned:

1. The pram - just use the pram you originally wanted to use. MIL can either keep the monstrosity she bought at her house or you will sell it unused (so should get a reasonable price for it, which you keep).

2. Call your baby the name YOU and your partner choose. If that means going back to amend the birth certificate now then you can still do that as baby is under a year old.

3. If they keep coming round every day and you want some time to yourself then tell them. Tell them that you are still recovering from your birth injuries and want some privacy to just rest and concentrate on yourself and bond with your new baby. If they refuse to listen then perhaps be out when they are likely to appear, but we'll hope it won't come to that.

That's what I can think of for now. Be really firm. They are being very presumptuous.

Anyone I have ever known I've waited a few weeks before then asking if I could come visit and meet the baby. Any person with an ounce of compassion and common sense will know that this is special family time as well as having a new born is a huge change and knackering on top of mum healing.

Your MIL, being a mum herself knows this. She needs reminding, your husband and yourself need to stand as a united front and set some ground rules from now on. Your husband also has to stop telling his mum things, such as baby name ideas too as he obviously knows that his mum is overpowering and will run away with it. If she sulks, let her sulk.

And for goodness sake, give back the pram, or sell it. Use the one you had planned and use it with a nice smile on your face as it's the one you chose.

Take care, congratulations and enjoy the baby!

What would have been “nice” is her PIL asking if they would like a pram, and if so what pram? Which is what my lovely in laws did (apparently parents of the father buying the pram is a thing in the UK). Not just randomly buying one without consultation!

OP I’m sorry you have had this experience, it really is such a sensitive time and everything can feel like such an invasion/violation. The night we came home from the hospital my DH got on the phone with his parents and he was walking around chatting happily to them and I actually burst into tears and told him to get off the phone as even their conversation was too much (and the house felt really scary and threatening - I think I was having a reaction to all the drugs lol).

Anyway, parents actually being there would have been my worst nightmare!

My only advice is to put boundaries in place now and don’t let this idea of your baby bubble being ruined keen ruining the present day for you. Yes it could have been better. Yes you are allowed to be cross at them. But every day is a new day with your precious new baby and you need to focus on that - you’ve got soooo many special moments with your gorgeous baby to look forward to.

One idea, if you can afford it, is could you make plan a little holiday with you and DH and baby? Try to recreate that nice special time with just the three of you as a sort of “reset”.

If you can’t afford to go away, you could you have a long weekend staycation at home together as a reset, get DH to take the Friday off and have no visitors allowed whatsoever and just nice walks to get coffee with baby in wrap and long days spent looking at baby together with no interruptions. Just get that cortisol down and have some time as your new family unit.