In-laws ruining my postpartum experience

[NewMum1989]

FYI this is a long one and if you stick with it I want to thank you for listening. My LO is 5 weeks old and I’m mourning the newborn bubble I should have had. This is more than likely going to be my only child, and even if they aren’t I feel like my in-laws have totally ruined my experience and I feel really tearful and depressed when I think about it. Since my LO was born they have been overbearing and had next to no boundaries and I’ve started to resent my partner because of them. My LO was born around 4am and because I had to have an emergency forceps delivery I had to go to a recovery unit post surgery. At 8am that same morning my in laws were pestering my partner to come and visit in hospital. I was still in recovery at this point where no visiting was allowed but they kept insisting we ask the midwives to make an exception. I was probably feeling the most vulnerable I have ever felt in my life. My LO was fresh out the womb, I was numb from the boobs down, bleeding onto an incontinence sheet and I had a catheter in. Plus I was exhausted from a long labour. The in-laws messaged my partner telling him we were being malicious by not letting them visit.
I had to stay in hospital for 24 hour monitoring and that evening my partner gave in and allowed them to visit which I was not happy with. The next day I was discharged around 6pm. My partner had asked my in-laws to go to the house and put our heating on so we weren’t going home to a cold house. What I didn’t expect was for them to stay there until we arrived home. I was really quite overwhelmed at this point and went in the shower and just cried and cried.
My partner had 3 weeks paternity and I can honestly say his in-laws were over our house every single day apart from maybe 4/5 days. One of those days being Christmas Day which they wanted us to go over to them for but we said no. They then completely ignored my partner’s calls on Christmas Day because we kept it just the 3 of us in our own home.
My mother in law has zero boundaries, she keeps kissing my LO on the face even though I’ve asked people not to. One day as my MIL was leaving, my LO was on the breast feeding, she only went to kiss their head while they were attached to my boob! Thankfully I think she saw my face and decided against it!
She wears extremely powerful perfume and when I take my LO back off her I can smell it on them. I then bath my LO as soon as possible because I just think that can’t be good for their little lungs.
My sister gave me the pram my mum had bought her for my nephews and I’d planned on using that. My family are not very well off financially and my mum had saved along time to buy that pram for my sister so it was sentimental for me to have it and use it. But the MIL (who is well off financially and likes to show it) had to go out and buy this ridiculously expensive pram for us as a surprise. This also really upset me because now I’m stuck with this big bulky, impractical pram that doesn’t fit in my car properly instead of the pram that actually meant something to me.
They also ruined the naming our LO. We had two names we loved but we couldn’t decide which one we liked better, so we took our time. My in-laws kept on and on asking what they were until eventually my partner told them. Again, a decision I wasn’t happy with. The in-laws then decided to take it upon themselves to start calling my LO the name they preferred of the two. My partner then didn’t want to use that name because he didn’t want his parents thinking they had named our child for us. At this point all the joy had been taken out of the process and after we registered our LO my partner said he wasn’t sure we’d made the right decision. Again I was in floods of tears.
I thought my partner would have been a little stricter with his parents and I’m really quite angry at him as I feel this chapter of my life has been ruined. He also says to me that he thinks his mother loves our LO more than us which really upsets me.
If you’ve made it this far then thank you for reading. This is just the tip of the iceberg and I’m not really sure what I wanted to achieve by posting this. I guess I just needed to vent and get it off my chest.

It sounds like before too long this awful woman is going you into a depression if she hasnt already. I am so, so sorry you are going through this. Put boundaries into place or ban them from your home and baby if she does not abide.

You're being a bit of a drama queen. Understandable bearing in mind you've just had a baby and your hormones are sloshing around all over the place, but still... If you don't like the pram your MIL has bought, just don't use it! Your MIL is just very excited and doesn't quite understand that she's over reacting. Hopefully she'll calm down. Get your dh to have a word.

Your only child and possibly their only grandchild.

I had a high forceps delivery that resulted in damage and a repair down the road. I would have been over the moon to have had any assistance when I got home.

My mother in law only saw her first grandson when I took a two hour flight to her. She would hold him for pictures and then hand him right back!

The pram? Use the one you want and leave the beast at her place. If it doesn't fit into your car, so be it.

My family were at the hospital before I’d even got out of the delivery room 😂 they are excited about the new grandchild and trying to be generous and helpful. It’s too much for you so your DH needs to gently tell them you need more alone time. It’s far better to have loving involved family than one who doesn’t give a crap about you all. Also just use your preferred pram. I do also think my kids grandparents (on one side) love then as much as we do as their parents actually.

Awww! xx

No, sorry. If she wants to be kind and helpful she can ask what she can do and respect what is being asked of her. Grandparents can’t just bulldoze their way around and we’re supposed to be eternally grateful. If my boundaries were being disrespected like that then there would definitely be no childcare expectations, in fact it would be declined.

edited to add: no she shouldn’t just get to hold the baby while the mum rushes around, if she wants to truly help she can let mum sit and hold the baby while SHE does some chores

is this their first grandchild? Do they just turn up at your house? do they phone ahead?
do you feel you can say, no sorry not today? your OH surely can? If not, for the foreseeable I’d be “busy”, just heading out, just meeting a friend, I’m in my bed…EVERY TIME!
don’t let this affect your time with your newborn!

I was the complete opposite of you, invited family & friends round when I got home from hospital (each time), it really didn’t phase me at all. I also loved having visitors regularly however no one was over baring, no one over stayed their welcome and if I said no that doesn’t work it was accepted by all.

if you want to rename your baby, do it!

start saying no, get yourself out and about with baby and enjoy him 🩵

I don't like this trend of getting friends and family to do chores when you've had a baby. Most babies have two parents around, they don't need to rope friends and family into being their maids!

Totally agree. OP is not being precious at all. MIL kissing a new born, making demands of a new mother and generally acting like an entitled witch is not acceptable.

You need to put on your big girl pants and put some boundaries in place. You sound very young so forgive me but you need to speak up for yourself and put strong boundaries in place. Oh and your wimpy husband needs to become a man !

I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way @NewMum1989. Those early weeks post baby are so hard - yes magical too but really hard. My SIL wasn’t quite as bad but definitely made some bad choices and was pushy etc in those early days and although I am usually assertive (to the point of being a bit too bolshy sometimes) I just wasn’t able to stand up for myself at that time due to hormones, vulnerability etc At one point she had me waiting outside the NICU on my own so that she could take her daughters to see the baby (as they were soooo worried that the baby was ill). I had to leave due to visitor numbers. They were there when we got back from hospital too although I did ask them to give us half an hour which they did. At one point I remember sitting crying alone as they had taken the baby off me and told me to go and have some time alone and I just felt utterly bereft and cried for my baby in the other room!!! Yes of course looking back none of this stuff is that bad but at the time I was so upset by it. In our case she is a nice person who means well but I have found it very hard to forget (this is 2 years ago now).

so I have no advice but I get it and totally understand why you haven’t been able to speak out. But if it helps you will be there with your baby day in and day out - you will get plenty of special time. Sending love x

Paternity leave is very short, and OP is recovering after a challenging birth, and is postpartum, and breastfeeding!

Of course it’s reasonable to have some help after birth, I know of friends who have their Mims stay with them after the birth for a few weeks to help out full time!

If someone had an appendicitis and had surgery… would you expect them to start washing bedding the next day and vacuuming?

I’m so sorry OP, this sounds absolutely awful. You need to take control and put clear boundaries in place and your partner needs to grow some balls and tell his parents straight what is ok and what is not. Get rid of the pram on vinted and use the one you want. Stop allowing them to walk all over you.

Stop them from bringing those germs into your house! Lock yourself in your bedroom and refuse to come out! Geeze!

Aw. Did you never help someone out who has been through quite a strenuous physical task and is probably getting very little sleep?

No? You sound like a lovely friend. 🙄

Op im so sorry you’re going through this . I went through this with my ex mother Im law . I axgually had to think if this was my exs new partner because it was like reading what I went through but they havnt had a baby together so it’s not .
this is only going to get worse. I can promise you that . You will resent your husband even more for not sticking up for you . You either need to have a good talk to him and tell him to tell them to back off or you need to do it yourself . And stick to it because she will keep crossing the line time and time again when she doesn’t get her way . The perfume , the money , the buying new stuff , all give me flash backs ! First to the hospital never leaving . Watch she doesn’t make you feel like you are not a good mother because I got a feeling this could be the next step when you tell her what’s going to be happening from now on . She either accepts what you say to her or tell stay away . I know that sounds horrible . But I know where this is going to go and she won’t listen if you say it nicely . I hope your ok

@NewMum1989

You had it at them saying you had been ‘malicious’ by not letting them see you in the hospital. That there summed them up perfectly. That is who they, (she?), are/is. Be aware of that moving forwards.

They will absolutely get worse not better if this is not addressed asap.

You are going to need to have the conversation with your husband about boundaries and defo need to put some hard ones up against PiL’s!

And find your voice and firmness with them. It’ll take time, but hopefully it’ll be worth the effort and you can salvage some sort of relationship with them before you resort to going NC.

Like others have said, use the pram you want, use the name you want etc..

Good luck!!

I remember the newborn phase. It wasn’t s bubble. It was awful

but i wouldn’t hsve wanted visitors

the only person who can help here is you

channel the lost sleep; sore body, hormonal feeling and tell them not to come until the weekend after next

you have to set boundaries now because this is how they’re going to be forever now

When earth would anybody be vacuuming and changing the bed the next day, and why are such a chores so challenging that the dad can't do it when he gets home? Also, we're not talking about when dad goes back to work here, we're talking about the first few days home of the hospital, when both parents were around.

I didn't have a challenging births (very straightforward sections) but obviously there was an element of recovery, I was postpartum, and breastfeeding, so like most of us I've been there. Most of us didnt require friends and family to act as a servant in exchange for catching a glimpse (but seemingly not a hold) of the baby. Maybe it's a mumsnet thing, as it's not something I've ever seen in real life thank goodness.

No, but no one's ever offer to do my laundry or washing up either, and I'd look at them with two heads if they did because I've got a perfectly competent husband for that sort of thing if I'm incapable.

If I'm going over to a friend's with a newborn baby, I'll take some cake or maybe a box of biscuits to share, if they look knackered I'd ask if they want me to put the kettle on. If they were a single parent and have no other support around, then I'd ask if there's anything practical I could do, but that's about it.

I've also averaged somewhere between 4 and 5 hours sleep a night over the last 20 years (some periods very broken and much less), some because of work, some because of children, so I'm usually the sleep deprived one. My newborns didn't even make the top five periods of sleep deprivation in my life.

Sorry. As your partner doesnt seem to care what is best for you.
You need to say to PIL.
“I know this is coming from a good place, but really, I need some peace at home.
I dont want constant visitors, particularly as you are not listening to my requests.
So from today this visiting euphoria is over.
P will call at some point, when I am feel I am ready for “pass the baby”

Your baby is your baby and your DH's but he's also his grandparents' baby. You need time to breastfeed and spend quiet time getting into that rhythm and resting and dosing while he feeds. I think you have to talk to your partner and agree some boundaries for visits from in-laws. They have as much 'right' to visit as your own family but it's not fair or helpful for them to come in all the time if you are not comfortable with this. The first few weeks of a baby's life are often really tough for mothers. Learning to feed, not sleeping, getting woken up, worrying, learning to bath and change etc etc all the while recovering from stitches, c-sections. It's hard being a mum! I would talk to your DH and say you are finding it exhausting having so many visits from his family and while they are welcome x times a week - 2? 3? 1? - you need time to settle in to being a mum, rest and just get used to your new life. I hope your DH can understand this. It's a reasonable request. I think you have to understand that your P-i-L are super excited about this grandchild. They are probably over the moon. I have a couple of friends who have become grandparents and they were amazed at how much love they feel for the new child. You will be happy for this later on. It's going to be great for your baby to grow up in a loving family. Just try to navigate some space and boundaries. I do remember feeling overwhelmed by all the visitors when my first son was born after an emergency c-section and a 36hour labour as I staggered around barely able to walk, trying to keep my maternity pad in my knickers, sore boobs wearing a horrible maternity nighty :-) Wishing you all the best xxx

I do get the in law issue though, mine was extremely difficult. I couldn't tell them when the section was planned because with another relative, they literally waited on chairs they brought, outside theatre then pushed their way into recovery! Some of their behaviour is too outing, but one of the milder examples was complaining to me 3 days postpartum that the bathroom bin (where obviously my pads were going) was too smelly and I needed to go and sort it.

As others have said, your husband needs to be gatekeeping properly. Visitors can be great, but only if you are upto it, and on your terms. I think a lot of their behaviour could be explained by over excitement, and hopefully that will calm down, but they also don't seem to be respecting your boundaries either. I don't think waiting a few weeks, or visiting just once a week (if they're local), which has been suggested, is reasonable, personally, but they should certainly be sending a message and asking, not all of the time, and not nagging. Certainly not just turning up unannounced.

I couldn't tell them when the section was planned because with another relative, they literally waited on chairs they brought, outside theatre then pushed their way into recovery!

In the UK? In recent times? Hospitals here have access controls for that sort of area, so it’s not even possible for it to happen.

Thankfully this could not happen in the UK. Used to work in operating theatres. So sad that this could happen anywhere.