In-laws ruining my postpartum experience

[NewMum1989]

FYI this is a long one and if you stick with it I want to thank you for listening. My LO is 5 weeks old and I’m mourning the newborn bubble I should have had. This is more than likely going to be my only child, and even if they aren’t I feel like my in-laws have totally ruined my experience and I feel really tearful and depressed when I think about it. Since my LO was born they have been overbearing and had next to no boundaries and I’ve started to resent my partner because of them. My LO was born around 4am and because I had to have an emergency forceps delivery I had to go to a recovery unit post surgery. At 8am that same morning my in laws were pestering my partner to come and visit in hospital. I was still in recovery at this point where no visiting was allowed but they kept insisting we ask the midwives to make an exception. I was probably feeling the most vulnerable I have ever felt in my life. My LO was fresh out the womb, I was numb from the boobs down, bleeding onto an incontinence sheet and I had a catheter in. Plus I was exhausted from a long labour. The in-laws messaged my partner telling him we were being malicious by not letting them visit.
I had to stay in hospital for 24 hour monitoring and that evening my partner gave in and allowed them to visit which I was not happy with. The next day I was discharged around 6pm. My partner had asked my in-laws to go to the house and put our heating on so we weren’t going home to a cold house. What I didn’t expect was for them to stay there until we arrived home. I was really quite overwhelmed at this point and went in the shower and just cried and cried.
My partner had 3 weeks paternity and I can honestly say his in-laws were over our house every single day apart from maybe 4/5 days. One of those days being Christmas Day which they wanted us to go over to them for but we said no. They then completely ignored my partner’s calls on Christmas Day because we kept it just the 3 of us in our own home.
My mother in law has zero boundaries, she keeps kissing my LO on the face even though I’ve asked people not to. One day as my MIL was leaving, my LO was on the breast feeding, she only went to kiss their head while they were attached to my boob! Thankfully I think she saw my face and decided against it!
She wears extremely powerful perfume and when I take my LO back off her I can smell it on them. I then bath my LO as soon as possible because I just think that can’t be good for their little lungs.
My sister gave me the pram my mum had bought her for my nephews and I’d planned on using that. My family are not very well off financially and my mum had saved along time to buy that pram for my sister so it was sentimental for me to have it and use it. But the MIL (who is well off financially and likes to show it) had to go out and buy this ridiculously expensive pram for us as a surprise. This also really upset me because now I’m stuck with this big bulky, impractical pram that doesn’t fit in my car properly instead of the pram that actually meant something to me.
They also ruined the naming our LO. We had two names we loved but we couldn’t decide which one we liked better, so we took our time. My in-laws kept on and on asking what they were until eventually my partner told them. Again, a decision I wasn’t happy with. The in-laws then decided to take it upon themselves to start calling my LO the name they preferred of the two. My partner then didn’t want to use that name because he didn’t want his parents thinking they had named our child for us. At this point all the joy had been taken out of the process and after we registered our LO my partner said he wasn’t sure we’d made the right decision. Again I was in floods of tears.
I thought my partner would have been a little stricter with his parents and I’m really quite angry at him as I feel this chapter of my life has been ruined. He also says to me that he thinks his mother loves our LO more than us which really upsets me.
If you’ve made it this far then thank you for reading. This is just the tip of the iceberg and I’m not really sure what I wanted to achieve by posting this. I guess I just needed to vent and get it off my chest.

What, even grandparents? How strange

Yes, even grandparents should ask if can visit and wait a little while. Respect/communication is never strange is it?

You poor love @NewMum1989 that all sounds dreadful, and I get completely why you feel your precious newborn bubble has been deflated. As others have said, your DP needs to stand up to his parents and tell them that the two of you need some time with the baby ON YOUR OWN...and that the pram doesn't fit in your car so he's going to exchange it for something else. If you want to, you could also change LO's name so you can free it of all that baggage, is there another name you liked?

I get you, I really do - my XH invited his mum to stay for a fortnight after DC was born without telling me (and then after a few days I had to be the one who said I just wanted to be with the baby), and then a week later his daughter decided she was moving in...my dreams of my baby bubble were well and truly flattened, and I still resent it years later.

Take charge of the bits you can take charge of love, and tell DP that he needs to stand up to the IL's or you will. Or possibly you have a friend or a family member that could do it whilst you are understandably feeling so fragile. Hugs xxxx

I really don't understand the problem over the name - just choose the one you wanted.
I must admit I have never been 'in a bubble' or wanted to just be 'our own little family'. I have children, and they and now their children are all part of our ever growing family. Your OH should have been firmer with his parents, but don't push them away too far. They certainly don't sound the worst in laws to have, just overexcited.

Dry your tears now lovely and realise you are the parent..you get to decide who does what and when. You mummy get to choose. So say yes we will meet you for sunday lunch at x place, no sorry we are not free any other time as we need to bond with our new little one and get ourselves into a routine. Be unavailable and be firm. You can do this.It will get easier.If they want to come another day as well as planned day then say sorry we are having so many visitors we need to ration everyone just for now I am sure you understand PIL..polite but firm..no need to fall out just put boundaries in place and stick to them.

Why do you think it's strange for the grandparents to come and visit when the new mum/parents are ready, and not beforehand?

Rather than jumping on the DH and IL bashing bandwagon, I’d like to say that it’s a bit concerning that you are feeling sad and focusing on this rather than enjoying your baby. Have you talked to your HV about how you’re feeling?

My DD has a baby who is 5 weeks and 3 days old and who was delivered at 35 weeks by c section and spent 3 weeks in NICU. I know everyone is different but the early couple of weeks was challenging so it’s not been plain sailing for them, however when they got out of hospital on Christmas morning they went home, got ready and came to Christmas Day with the family as planned, albeit of course they didn’t stay partying for hours. She’s now out and about to a fairly normal degree, we’ve had a Sunday lunch out which she organised for instance. Her MIL can also be a bit overbearing if you want to think of it like that, e.g. tried to foist an unwanted pram on them, but she just said no thank you I’m sorted. The problem is it’s often easier to say those things to your own mum and you can overthink it when it’s his. That’s a mistake imo, you have to speak up, politely but clearly. As long as you aren’t excluding them in favour of your own parents, and you are polite, it’s up to them if they take offence. They’ll soon come round when there’s a baby in the mix.

If you’re feeling sad and teary a lot I hope you’ll speak to someone and get some help as this time is so special and precious it’s a great pity to let it go by in sadness and resentment.

I’m kind of on the fence so the main message is congratulations 💐

They do sound awful. But if you were feeling at all ok about your new role as the matriarch, I think they might feel hilariously awful. Certainly you and your h need to get a LOT more comfortable with checking in with each other first, then bursting out laughing at their batshit ideas and saying things like ‘No of course not! But how about Saturday teatime?’ Basically, when they come out with something that doesn’t suit you, laugh, say no, and suggest something that suits you better. And the first time they kiss the baby when you don’t want them to, ‘oh dear it’s hard for you isn’t it? I’ll take him upstairs then’. Be rock hard in your boundaries, but treat them like a bit of a joke rather than enemies or people with the power to disturb you. They’ll either flounce off (win) or fall into line.

The names thing sounds very upsetting. I’m sorry, I’ve lost track slightly on where you are with that. But it’s not too late to change - I e known more than one family change names a few weeks in, and they just made another announcement. Sit down with your h and work out the name you really want, take your time.

I get the perfume thing 100%. Your baby smelling weird is awful. I’d say quite a lot about that when they want to hold the baby. I have a lovely friend who is very good at the polite friendly ‘absolutely not’. Practice it.

My partner had asked my in-laws to go to the house and put our heating on so we weren’t going home to a cold house. What I didn’t expect was for them to stay there until we arrived home.

In fairness, of course they were going to stay. Your DH presented them with the perfect reason to go to your house and obviously they are going to wait for their newborn grandchild to arrive. They are massively excited and in love with their new grandchild.
Hell, I don't think my mum waited more than 10 minutes after the news I'd given birth before she drove across the Pennines, stopping only at the Trafford Centre to buy their entire stock of baby clothes.

Your problem here is not your in-laws. They aren't being managed effectively by your wet lettuce of a husband. If you need more space, tell him. He can gate-keep access to you and the baby. That's his job.

They tried to do a nice thing with the pram. You don't want it so don't use it - give it to them for use when you're visiting in the future.

The perfume won't do any harm. Yes, if you were wearing strong perfume it could have an adverse effect because of the amount of time the baby would be exposed to it. However, there's no indication a couple of minutes exposure every few days while grandma has a cuddle will be a problem. Use common sense and it will be ok.

The name thing was entirely on your DH. He was a twerp. Go change it on the birth certificate if you want. You've got plenty of time to do so.

Sell the pram and use your own.

Spray air freshener around MIL when she comes near you.

I have to say - whilst your PILs are very overbearing and annoying, you’re also being a little OTT. Washing your baby because perfume is too bad for their lungs? Smell transfers on to babies sooo easily, I think bathing your baby so frequently is probably worse for them than the perfume itself (and bathing a baby isn’t harmful). The pram situation? Ok thanks for the pram - in to storage it goes.

I don’t think your partner is necessarily not backing you here - he’s obviously sharing your feelings about it all but it just sounds like he’s eventually giving in to get them off his / your backs. I’d probably do this as well in the end.

I’m not completely diminishing your experience here, they are A LOT but the quicker you let go of some stuff, the better you will feel. At the moment it feels like you’ve built up this resentment and hatred, they could uber eats you a costa and you’d find a fault with it.

You have a tongue in your head, lay down some boundaries. If you don’t like the pram tell them you have one and they can return theirs. It will only continue and get worse if you don’t nip it in the bud now.

At 5 weeks it's not too late to reclaim some of the newborn experience. Talk to your husband and decide on some boundaries that you're happy with.

My MIL was and is a pain in the arse too but we didn't let her ruin our experience as we had boundaries and we both enforced them. We caused upset by her not getting to meet the baby until he was about 8 days old (feeding issues, hospital stay, a&e visit, tongue tie all within the first 10 days took priority). She only saw him 2 or 3 times in the first 4 weeks though which is crazy compared to your experience!

I'd suggest you agree to a weekly visit when your husband is around so you don't have to deal with her alone. Let your husband tell her, it's not your job to deal with her.

@Redrosesposies- well I don't ' know it's I've seen the points in the OP and based my opinion on that as have you. Yesl tell your MIL to fuck off. What a wonderful way to start off with someone who's support and involvement with.your child could be really valuable.
If you don't like some of the things she does then talk to her, tell her how you feel.

Your partner is being an absolute shitter in all of this and he can speak up but you're not defenseless you know?

You are allowed to have boundaries, and assert those boundaries and have consequences for those boundaries being broken.

You don't need a man or a knight in shining armour to protect you.

You can get up, pick your baby up, and leave the room/house/street or even county if you wanted to.

Frankly I don't think men like this ever really change without first acknowledging their weakness towards their parents and having some sort of therapy or intervention that allows them to work on their assertiveness and it really sets the tone for early years fatherhood for them.

Your in-laws are not interested so much as overbearing and wanting/expecting their own way. She likely wants to play at being mummy again. Her H is also a wet lettuce because he has failed to stop his wife's excesses of behaviour. This is what they are really like and going forward I would limit all future interactions with them to being as low as possible.

Their son I.e your partner here is also a wet blanket and has been to date unable to stand up for either himself or his own family unit consisting of your child and you. He is likely in a fear, obligation and guilt state when it comes to his parents. Your partner's inertia when it comes to his parents, particularly his mother, hurts him as well as you. He could probably do with therapy re his parents.

Lay down the law now with both he and his parents and find your voice. Use it or lose it here. Where are your boundaries at here re them too because they are way too low. They will determine your silence and or passivity here as weakness or tacit permission to be exploited.

Do not further allow yourself to be railroaded by these people. Sell on their pram if it is unsuitable and keep the money from the sale. The name on the birth certificate can be changed if the child is less than 12 months old.

I don't have advice for everything but re the pram. Just start using the one you want. If your in laws say anything, just say we actually already had one.
My in laws wanted me to use a "family" moses basket and 1st baby I did (with fresh mattress). It was in a right sorry mess. 2nd baby I bought my own. As you will only have one baby, don't let the mess with the pram continue.
You have to sort of plan ahead with these types of people. Rehearse what you will say if they say X and what you will do if they do Y type of thing.

I would seriously reconsider this relationship in the long term if your p can't stand up and speak up for you. It won't get any better ime, they move on through each stage making it all about them and trying to drive wedges and taking over.
My m used visit then to try encourage my kids with bribery to go home with her to stay at hers with money, sweets etc then would turn on the water works when I said no, that's not how it worked.
One day I was so fed up I told her to stop crying because she was making herself look stupid in front of the kids, if she couldn't behave she'd have to leave. Cue more water works, I showed her the door and she left.
Needless to say when she visited a couple of weeks later she behaved herself, and two of the kids asked me if they could stay over at hers which I was fine with.

What's the point of buying a pram that is really difficult to use?

That's not kindness

Not kindness - just a pita as it's something else to deal with.

Dear God

Why do so many women want to roll over and be grateful for being walked all over?

Your problem here is not your in-laws. They aren't being managed effectively by your wet lettuce of a husband. If you need more space, tell him. He can gate-keep access to you and the baby. That's his job

@HeadyLamarr is right here. Of course your ILs are excited about their new grandchild. Your partner should have managed comms with his parents better, managed their expectations and shielded you from the batshit stuff while you recover. Literally his job at this point to look after you so you can look after the baby.

Exactly this. Sending you well wishes OP. Try and take on the advice here and enjoy your baby.

Congratulations.

Your PiL do sounds like entitled pricks, how utterly unreasonable of them to stamp their feet about visiting when you were still in recovery. A slightly bigger issues is your dh had no boundaries against them.

Firstly sit down with him. Tell him that you've reflected on how his parents have behaved but also how he has reacted. He needs to step out of the obedient child role and stand up to them for this to work.

He can take back the pram and say that you already have one so best leave this one at theirs as you don't have room to store it. If they kick off with them he needs to be firm that this was an unsolicited gift and that you already had a pram you wanted to use.

He can also deal with any future communication and must check with you before allowing them to visit or letting them in if they just turn up. He is clearly trapped in the FOG (fear and guilt) with them.

Secondly, take a week of just staying home with just you and your baby. Tell dh no visitors (unless you want them) and certainly not his parents. Do some bonding and healing.

1. Sell the pram
2. Tell your partner they can come one pre arranged day a week / month whatever works for you both, and MIL is not to wear perfume - if she wants to hold baby that is..
3. NO is a complete sentence

5 weeks is so short a time really, you have time to not allow this to ruin the remainder of your Mat leave!