In-laws ruining my postpartum experience

[NewMum1989]

FYI this is a long one and if you stick with it I want to thank you for listening. My LO is 5 weeks old and I’m mourning the newborn bubble I should have had. This is more than likely going to be my only child, and even if they aren’t I feel like my in-laws have totally ruined my experience and I feel really tearful and depressed when I think about it. Since my LO was born they have been overbearing and had next to no boundaries and I’ve started to resent my partner because of them. My LO was born around 4am and because I had to have an emergency forceps delivery I had to go to a recovery unit post surgery. At 8am that same morning my in laws were pestering my partner to come and visit in hospital. I was still in recovery at this point where no visiting was allowed but they kept insisting we ask the midwives to make an exception. I was probably feeling the most vulnerable I have ever felt in my life. My LO was fresh out the womb, I was numb from the boobs down, bleeding onto an incontinence sheet and I had a catheter in. Plus I was exhausted from a long labour. The in-laws messaged my partner telling him we were being malicious by not letting them visit.
I had to stay in hospital for 24 hour monitoring and that evening my partner gave in and allowed them to visit which I was not happy with. The next day I was discharged around 6pm. My partner had asked my in-laws to go to the house and put our heating on so we weren’t going home to a cold house. What I didn’t expect was for them to stay there until we arrived home. I was really quite overwhelmed at this point and went in the shower and just cried and cried.
My partner had 3 weeks paternity and I can honestly say his in-laws were over our house every single day apart from maybe 4/5 days. One of those days being Christmas Day which they wanted us to go over to them for but we said no. They then completely ignored my partner’s calls on Christmas Day because we kept it just the 3 of us in our own home.
My mother in law has zero boundaries, she keeps kissing my LO on the face even though I’ve asked people not to. One day as my MIL was leaving, my LO was on the breast feeding, she only went to kiss their head while they were attached to my boob! Thankfully I think she saw my face and decided against it!
She wears extremely powerful perfume and when I take my LO back off her I can smell it on them. I then bath my LO as soon as possible because I just think that can’t be good for their little lungs.
My sister gave me the pram my mum had bought her for my nephews and I’d planned on using that. My family are not very well off financially and my mum had saved along time to buy that pram for my sister so it was sentimental for me to have it and use it. But the MIL (who is well off financially and likes to show it) had to go out and buy this ridiculously expensive pram for us as a surprise. This also really upset me because now I’m stuck with this big bulky, impractical pram that doesn’t fit in my car properly instead of the pram that actually meant something to me.
They also ruined the naming our LO. We had two names we loved but we couldn’t decide which one we liked better, so we took our time. My in-laws kept on and on asking what they were until eventually my partner told them. Again, a decision I wasn’t happy with. The in-laws then decided to take it upon themselves to start calling my LO the name they preferred of the two. My partner then didn’t want to use that name because he didn’t want his parents thinking they had named our child for us. At this point all the joy had been taken out of the process and after we registered our LO my partner said he wasn’t sure we’d made the right decision. Again I was in floods of tears.
I thought my partner would have been a little stricter with his parents and I’m really quite angry at him as I feel this chapter of my life has been ruined. He also says to me that he thinks his mother loves our LO more than us which really upsets me.
If you’ve made it this far then thank you for reading. This is just the tip of the iceberg and I’m not really sure what I wanted to achieve by posting this. I guess I just needed to vent and get it off my chest.

Did you read the full post? They're clearly massively overstepping! Who wants their in-laws (or anyone!) visiting every single bloody day when you're newly postpartum!? I would've lost my mind, I just wanted to flop about on the sofa with my boobs out and my massive postpartum pads on and occasionally have a little weep. That's even less fun with an audience.

OP, your partner needs to stop being such a wet fish and put some sensible boundaries in place. He is protecting their feelings over yours and your relationship with him. This will only get worse (ask me how I know!).

I hope you're ok. I well remember how intensely vulnerable the first few weeks PP can feel. With things like the pram, you honestly don't have to keep and use things that you don't want. I promise. You are an adult and you get to decide what comes into your home. My MIL bought, among masses of other stuff, a very expensive piece of baby equipment (one which might be considered slightly controversial) which I absolutely did not want to use. We said we were grateful, but we wouldn't be using it, and could she return it? She said no, so it was quietly sold. I felt no guilt! She also bought loads of newborn clothes with the insistence that they had to be the ones I packed in my (already carefully packed) hospital bag. Incidentally, they smelt of her perfume. Did I pack them? Nope! A lot of them didn't even get used as they grow so fast when they're tiny.

Remember, you can't control other people's behaviour, but you can control your response to it.

You have a DH problem here. These are his parents and he needs to be the one putting his foot down.

People can’t enter your house if you don’t let them, so make him set clear boundaries.

He can clearly see how much this is upsetting you and isn’t doing enough to protect you.

I was expecting to say you were ridiculous because “mourning the newborn bubble” seems to be invoked if a MIL dares to want to clap eyes on her grandchild at all in the first 3 months

HOWEVER

your MIL is totally out of line and is walking all over you. I am not surprised you are so upset. Your DH needs to step up here and assert some boundaries.

I think ruined your experience is a bit strong

So you wouldn't kiss a baby while it's being breastfed and you (presumably) wouldn't do any of the other things that the OP has described.

That's great you have more sense than the MIL - but what a shame for the OP that she's had to go through this, isn't it.

Theres Just no need to be so vociferous and nasty? Many on this thread telling OP to tell her mil to fuck off and acting as though she's a right nasty piece of work for daring to love her grandchild and be excited and want to see them.
Be interested to see these mums reap what they sow when they have grandchildren and their daughter in law treats them like the wicked witch for wanting to visit and buying a fancy pram.

Have either of you actually spoken to them and told her it’s too much. Have you asked MIL to stop wearing perfume?

She’s massively overstepping but it doesn’t read as though you’ve tried to stop it.

Wasn't aware it was a crime to buy a pram? Loads of parents buy a pram for their grand baby? And they want to visit, since when is that terrible?

And people are so nasty about MIL's perfume, yes women of a certain age sometimes wear heavier scents surely a more tactful way can be found to discourage it around baby instead of the vicious comments on here. Jeez.

for daring to love her grandchild

No, for ignoring the OP's boundaries and attempting to kiss the baby's head when the OP is breastfeeding.

You have a DP problem

Purchasing baby equipment is a personal choice.

Fine to buy it, but if you don't consult the parents, you need to keep the receipt.

Within a day or two, yes.

Not within hours when the poor OP is still recovering from a pretty horrendous experience.

Baffled by some of the responses on here.

Eh? Have you read the post? Her in laws have been over the top and awful. Are you her mother in law by any chance?! 😅

Can you not pack the baby up and go to your mother's for a bit OP? Just for a bit of peace.

A lot of things down to your DH not being a buffer. Why was he even telling you about all the requests and messages post-op??

i could’ve guessed they’d stick around due to all the messaging and he should’ve obviously gone and put the heating on then come back to get you.

he absolutely should be stricter and frankly just stop letting them in. What a horrible time for you. You are right to be fuming.

but your baby is here and still new. Get firm and boundaries. Say no and enforce it, tell DH to stop being a dolt.

don’t let them occupy more of your time and energy with annoyance, there’s so many new things and experiences to have with baby. The bubble is intact I promise.

Another spineless, wet blanket man baby who can't support his wife and put healthy boundaries in place with his family.

I'm so so SO angry on your behalf OP. Your DP is actively sabotaging your mental health, your recovery, your wellbeing.

I suspect he doesn't have a clue how to assert himself. I don't know what to suggest because I dumped a man like this and refuse to date wimpy mama's boys anymore.

You are going to need boundaries of steel and be prepared to put your foot down everytime your partner waivers and wants to cave in to his parents' demands. Basically, you have to make caving in so unpleasant, he chooses not to.

Don't be nice!!!!! Also f his family they sound awful.

Hope you feel better soon.

Actually I'm not baffled, it's just very clear where the grandparents are 😂

It was the ignoring of your DH's Christmas call that I found the worst. They might have been construed as trying to be kind/excited GPs up to that point. That was just nasty, and tells you all you need to know.

You have a DP problem, you need to find your voice to either tell him to get them to back off a alittl or tell them directly.
It’s fine to be excited about a baby, it’s not ok to do what your in laws are doing which is take control, overstep and over stay.
Congratulations on your new arrival!

Your husband needs to step up and help you put into place some clear boundaries. Before my children even arrived I said I did not want any visitors in hospital, not even my own family, it was our time with our new baby and thankfully my husband got it.

My in-laws are quite similar to yours they are also quite wealthy so tried to shower us with unnecessary stuff, they also found it hard to respect boundaries and somehow saw our child as their baby, their behaviour the first 12 months of our first child's life resulted in us going low contact. They didn't like this and reacted by writing me a letter (they have my number to message me) and then coming around to our house and shouting at me (I was 7 months pregnant with our second child by this point), my husband did throw them out and we saw them only every 6 months or so. I lied about the due dates of our second and third child to stop the batshit behaviour we experienced with the first, we moved the due dates by a month and just announced the birth after they were born. With our first they were driving around looking for our car at our house and then in the hospital carpark because my husband wasnt replying to messages!! They came over to visit when our first was a week old and ended up shouting at us and calling us selfish for waiting 4 hours after our daughter was born to tell them she'd arrived. We didnt tell anyone because there was no signal in the room and we had just had our first baby, so we had these lovely 4 hours where only we knew she'd arrived. It made no difference as no one knew I had gone to give birth (well, batshit in-laws probably did finding our car at the hospital). I'm now a decade on from all this and would love to say they got better, it's still a struggle, they will still piss me off often. I could write a book about the stuff they have done the past decade, a lot of it is hilarious now looking back, but omg they have tested me.

My advise is to get some boundaries in place now and make sure your husband is on your side, of course it is hard for him, it's his parents but you are his wife and child and your wishes should always come first. I'd reduce contact too, you don't need to cut them off but just decline invites and ignore the door. My in-laws once came around to our house and I instructed everyone to "hide" and pretend we aren't in 🤣. It was during lockdown so they shouldnt have even been coming over, of course they were ringing my husband and messaging is everything ok... yep fine, we just don't want to see you!

Absolutely, that was pure punishment for not doing exactly what they wanted. Petty and mean.

Your husband is truly a pathetic partner.

Both you and your partner need to grow a pair - him more than you, but you need to speak up for yourself

A combination here of them being massively overbearing and you very understandably being hormonal, feeling vulnerable and a first time mum.

Your OH really really needs to step up here or there will be an emotional blow up that will make things even worse for all concerned.

Sit him down and tell him to gatekeep effectively before all hell breaks loose.

Your MIL is using emotional blackmail on her own DS to try and get her own way- refusing to speak to him on Christmas Day because you wouldn't go and visit them, and saying you were being malicious because you didn't want to see them straight after giving birth - it's all about what they want. Your DH needs to see that his job is to protect you, you're vulnerable to post natal depression right now and he should be putting you and the baby first and if his parents don't like that, well, that's tough biccies.
Your ILs are being foolish, if they push and push you now they'll find themselves at the back of the queue later on.