In-laws ruining my postpartum experience

[NewMum1989]

FYI this is a long one and if you stick with it I want to thank you for listening. My LO is 5 weeks old and I’m mourning the newborn bubble I should have had. This is more than likely going to be my only child, and even if they aren’t I feel like my in-laws have totally ruined my experience and I feel really tearful and depressed when I think about it. Since my LO was born they have been overbearing and had next to no boundaries and I’ve started to resent my partner because of them. My LO was born around 4am and because I had to have an emergency forceps delivery I had to go to a recovery unit post surgery. At 8am that same morning my in laws were pestering my partner to come and visit in hospital. I was still in recovery at this point where no visiting was allowed but they kept insisting we ask the midwives to make an exception. I was probably feeling the most vulnerable I have ever felt in my life. My LO was fresh out the womb, I was numb from the boobs down, bleeding onto an incontinence sheet and I had a catheter in. Plus I was exhausted from a long labour. The in-laws messaged my partner telling him we were being malicious by not letting them visit.
I had to stay in hospital for 24 hour monitoring and that evening my partner gave in and allowed them to visit which I was not happy with. The next day I was discharged around 6pm. My partner had asked my in-laws to go to the house and put our heating on so we weren’t going home to a cold house. What I didn’t expect was for them to stay there until we arrived home. I was really quite overwhelmed at this point and went in the shower and just cried and cried.
My partner had 3 weeks paternity and I can honestly say his in-laws were over our house every single day apart from maybe 4/5 days. One of those days being Christmas Day which they wanted us to go over to them for but we said no. They then completely ignored my partner’s calls on Christmas Day because we kept it just the 3 of us in our own home.
My mother in law has zero boundaries, she keeps kissing my LO on the face even though I’ve asked people not to. One day as my MIL was leaving, my LO was on the breast feeding, she only went to kiss their head while they were attached to my boob! Thankfully I think she saw my face and decided against it!
She wears extremely powerful perfume and when I take my LO back off her I can smell it on them. I then bath my LO as soon as possible because I just think that can’t be good for their little lungs.
My sister gave me the pram my mum had bought her for my nephews and I’d planned on using that. My family are not very well off financially and my mum had saved along time to buy that pram for my sister so it was sentimental for me to have it and use it. But the MIL (who is well off financially and likes to show it) had to go out and buy this ridiculously expensive pram for us as a surprise. This also really upset me because now I’m stuck with this big bulky, impractical pram that doesn’t fit in my car properly instead of the pram that actually meant something to me.
They also ruined the naming our LO. We had two names we loved but we couldn’t decide which one we liked better, so we took our time. My in-laws kept on and on asking what they were until eventually my partner told them. Again, a decision I wasn’t happy with. The in-laws then decided to take it upon themselves to start calling my LO the name they preferred of the two. My partner then didn’t want to use that name because he didn’t want his parents thinking they had named our child for us. At this point all the joy had been taken out of the process and after we registered our LO my partner said he wasn’t sure we’d made the right decision. Again I was in floods of tears.
I thought my partner would have been a little stricter with his parents and I’m really quite angry at him as I feel this chapter of my life has been ruined. He also says to me that he thinks his mother loves our LO more than us which really upsets me.
If you’ve made it this far then thank you for reading. This is just the tip of the iceberg and I’m not really sure what I wanted to achieve by posting this. I guess I just needed to vent and get it off my chest.

You probably have post-partum depression, having a traumatic birth will trigger this without in-laws being over excited.
Realistically, your MiL is just over-excited. Is DH an only DC? This may be her only GDC in that case but did he explain how ill you were?
She bought you a pram, which was very kind. You already have one which you want to use. Say thank you but could she change the pram for something else, please. She means well...it's difficult. But they are family, too. And an invite for Christmas Day was a way of making sure you were not stressed and feeling you had to cook etc., which was also kind.

You feel ill and that DH is not supportive - which tbh he doesn't sound. A secret though: first few weeks with a newborn are not lovely anyway. You feel sore, have stitches, are tired out of your mind and weepy and the baby cries and you don't know why, breastfeeding hurts sometimes...it gets better, they grow up and become fun.

Read the OP more carefully and try to take it all in before you post. This isn't about buying a pram or visiting.

Fine to ask if you can buy them a pram. Not ok to go ahead and choose and purchase one without any input from them. OP already had a pram she wanted to use.
And visiting. I always ask before I turn up at someone's house, including my kids' homes. They would always do the same. They know they are always welcome but they'd still message first in case we had plans.
It's the respectful thing to do. In this case the OP's mil seems to have no respect for OP or her, perfectly reasonable, boundaries.

This

Your partner needs to strap on a pair.

Tell them you need a couple of weeks to yourselves to recover physically and then invite them over for dinner on x date 2 weeks from now. The dinner starts at 7, you go to bed at 9:30 so that’s 2.5 hours you have to deal with them.

Keep your boundaries in place and get your husband on side for goodness sake.

She’s obviously over excited and doing way too much. DH needs to be pushing back, he can still be kind.

mum please ask before any big purchases or for what we need. The pram doesn’t work for us and the other one has sentimental value. And maybe he can offer to go a small walk with them once a month for 30 mins and she can push the new pram around the park. And you can have a nap. They don’t even need to come in the house

I can't see that I said anything about the mum's mum at all. OP has hardly mentioned her.

When I had just given birth I really remember wanting my own mum. DH's mum wasn't excluded and did come down for a few days when my mum had to go home. It was fine, but in my post partum baby blues state I was just sad about anything and everything at that point.

I'm just glad neither of them just took it upon themselves to turn up having bought huge, unwanted prams, or any of the other big ticket items either. Instead, each of them individually asked me what was wanted for the baby and went with my choices. To be honest, feeling as weepy and bluesey as I did, anything else would probably just about have tipped me over the edge.

Of course the OP's partner wants to see his mother holding the baby, but he still needs to stop her imposing herself constantly. It's clearly too much at the moment and OP has said that it has been almost daily for the last 5 weeks.

OP has PPD, I think - and has unrealistic expectations of how life with a newborn goes. She seems to think it would be floating on a sea of joy and happiness. In reality it is shitty nappies, painfully full breasts, feeling weepy, stitches, not knowing why the baby is crying, being hyper-vigilant because baby is so fragile. Result of expecting unalloyed joy with LO and getting MiL trying to help and DH not being helpful and fielding MiL is depression. She needs to see her GP.
Anyway, she is managing to breastfeed, so something is going very well.

Some of these replies are bizarre.

These PIL called their son and DIL malicious on DAY ONE, because OP dared to need time to recover from a non standard delivery.

They bought an impractical pram that nobody asked for or had any input in choosing.

They snubbed them on Christmas Day because they didn’t get their own way.

They badgered about the two names and decided which one they they thought was best and started using it.

They insist on kissing the baby when asked not to, including attempting to invade OP’s space to do so while breastfeeding.

They went to OP’s home 16/21 days, presumably without being invited.

One or two of the above would be questionable on their own, but done all together they are absolutely out of order.

The first two points especially indicate two people I wouldn’t want having much influence over my child growing up.

OP, you need to shut them down asap, no matter how awkward it is. They are going to steamroll right over the top of you if you don’t.

Raise hell, OP. I let my mum ruin my postpartum experience and she made my life a living hell for months until I had the strength to stand up for myself. Do it now! Congrats on your newborn, wishing you the very best!

OP my heart absolutely goes out to you in what sounds like an absolute nightmare.

I could be hear all day typing about how absolutely unacceptable your in-laws have been, but I think the priority is making sure you have a system in place where this stops NOW going forwards.

Firstly you need to have a very frank conversation with your DH. He should be protecting you in this situation. I would think about framing it in these terms:

• Explain that since the birth, you’ve been struggling much more than you’ve been able to say. The trauma your body has been through trauma, hormones, bleeding, hormones and you are incredibly vulnerable. In that state, you needed to feel protected, prioritised and safe. Instead, you feel like you’ve lost control over your own recovery, your home and access to our baby, and - KEY!!! - why his parents’ needs seem to keep coming before yours? It has really hurt you at a point where you were uniquely vulnerable and needed care and protection.
• Say that if this continues it’s going to be hard not to resent him for not acting when you needed him the most you ever have; which is why you are speaking up now (OP as others have mentioned I’m not sure what you’ve said so far). You need him to shield you from and manage his parents, even if that feels uncomfortable for him
• I would call out the comment he said about his mum loving the baby more than you both do (!!!). I would say that comment makes you feel undermined as a mother at a time when you’re already fragile. You need him to stop saying that and to reassure you that YOU are the baby’s mother and that you are the priority.
• going forwards he needs to manage all communication with the in laws and take responsibility for enforcing the boundaries you need. Visits need to be reduced, planned in advance, and only happen when you BOTH agree. If a boundary is crossed (like kissing the baby, overstaying, or not handing the baby back) he needs to back you up immediately. You can’t be expected to manage their feelings anymore; you need him to be the buffer.
• explain it’s not a choice of you or his parents, but a case of prioritising your relationship, baby and your mental health in this uniquely vulnerable time. You want to come through this stronger together
• think about whether you need a proper break from your in laws for a bit for your nervous system to settle, and if you think that would help do not be afraid to ask that from your DH. It’s not being unkind, it’s protecting your mental health and your overall wellbeing (which as we all know is also in your baby’s best interests too)

Secondly, OP whilst what’s happened so far has been terrible, I just want to reassure you that this newborn period is not the only chance to bond. What’s happened has hurt deeply, but it doesn’t mean everything is ruined forever. There is room for repair with the appropriate space, boundaries and support. Your feelings are valid. And it’s okay to put yourself and your baby first now, even if others don’t like it. And act your next GP appointment don’t be afraid to talk about how you are feeling, they may really help. I’m sure you won’t be alone in having raised these feelings.

As for your DH, in my experience men just cannot understand what we go through as women and you have to spell it out for them countless times before over they start to wake up to it.

As for your in-laws… I could really go to town here but I want to prioritise what will help you most!

Sending you love and support, you will get through this xxx

Not first two points, first and third.

This…and all the other comments!

Something similar happened when I had our DD, one of the things we did was drive to my Inlaws with the baby (a total disaster) but on the way home DD had a complete meltdown and this was partly because we left when it suited FIL and not the baby/the time I had said - DH still quotes me “its no longer about FIL/MIL it’s about what suits DD/Me/Him/Us. DH has spent his Life running around after FIL and that then changed. It can change he just needs to acknowledge his changed role

Please ignore the horrible condescending replies @NewMum1989

I think a bit of this attitude is helpful op.

They do sound very full-on, but equally it can be hard to get the balance of being interested and supportive on the one hand and not there when needed on the other. I'm not saying they have got it right, just that a little of what they are demonstrating isn't necessarily a terrible thing - and your guidance can be helpful in addressing that.

I also think it does sound as though you are emotional and overreacting a little. That is very understandable post partum, (most of us get a bit like that), but I do think is relevant to acknowledge that when assessing the situation. There are lots of floods of tears going on in your op, where sometimes you could just say something like "Thank you for coming to turn the heat on. Please make yourself a cup of tea and meet the baby for ten minutes but I'm afraid then I am going to need to take baby and myself up to bed as I am feeling weak and exhausted."

I know and do understand it can be hard when you are tired and emotional. But it's no point us all saying it's one hundred percent on them and them alone.

Another thing I am going to say is that I think it can be a mistake to over-sentimentalise the journey with a baby or child. Looking back, the great memories are often situations that happened spontaneously and can't be over-engineered. Many, many mums spend the post partum period sore, exhausted, bewildered or depressed - or even at neo-natal ICU. I don't think it is helpful to imagine that every other mum except you has some instagrammable bubble that you are missing out on because they are visiting. Children will get vomiting bugs on their first Christmas or chicken pox on their first birthday etc etc. Motherhood isn't the kind of immaculate parade of specially co-ordinated moments that I think lots of social media and marketing leads many to believe. having family who take an interest can be very valuable, for you and baby.

Just try to find your voice and calmly explain where things are getting a bit much. You don't need to use her pram either btw! If she asks, tell her you find the other more convenient; next time she might consult you a bit more.

They then completely ignored my partner’s calls on Christmas Day because we kept it just the 3 of us in our own home
Figure out exactly what triggered this and do it at least twice a week. Each time they ignore you do it back to them, for 10 x as long.
In short do whatever you can to make them fuck off and stay fucked off.
Job done!

They are being very unreasonable but you have a DP problem. If he had fielded their requests properly you wouldn’t be posting this. This may be hard to realise because you are in the trenches with a new baby and need to blame someone but it’s your DP you need to be looking at. You have a baby, you’re a family, you need to be a team.

Yup I agree with this.

She's over-excited but can be respectfully asked to dial it down. All the "tell them to FO" advice is so OTT - and likely to set up a dynamic you regret at some point in your baby's childhood.

OK OP I just wanted to add that the behaviour of your mother in law is very similar to my mother vis a vis her first grandchild…

For certain grandparents, a grandchild becomes a way to feel needed and important again, and that shows up as this insane entitlement to access and crossing boundaries but blurring it as just being an enthusiastic grandparent. Honestly my mum’s first grandchild was like an emotional object to her, she didn’t really see her as a separate being when she interacted with her (crucially a separate being with her own parents who asked her to respect boundaries she never did). This is in relation to my brother’s child and my mother was extremely enmeshed with him before the birth, she never stopped calling him and wanting to butt into his life all the time even after he got married.

The OTT pram is a way of marking territory in my opinion, which is why it felt heavy rather than kind and of course completely disregarded your opinion on which pram you wanted. But that’s the thing your opinions don’t exist to them in this. And that’s really the problem. It’s all about THEM, what emotional fix they get from the baby themselves (my mum was like an addict honestly). Getting that emotional fix from the baby becomes the priority and they can’t see your needs.

Use the pram you were initially going to use. If your MIL has a problem with that then tell your husband to deal with her.

He also needs to tell your parents that visits are restricted to times that you feel comfortable with. They can't just 'drop in'.

He has to put the foot down with the constant kissing. You're a new mother and you're uncomfortable with it.

Please make him aware that's his primary responsibility atm is the well being of you and your LO. His parents 'feelings' should be way down his list of priorities. He's a father and a husband first. He'll have to man-up. Post haste.

I hope you get peace to enjoy your new baby. Take care. 💐

No it isn't insensitive. She mentions using the pram her mum bought for her sister.
I too wonder if her parents are behaving sensitivity and are annoyed at in laws.Is your baby their first grandchild?They are obviously excited and thrilled to be grandparents. You shouldn't get upset. Just convince your DH that you need more space and he must establish boundaries. They are being thoughtless not malicious.

Are you very young that you are tolerating this?
You have chosen a weak mummys boy and this will be your future if you do not lay down strict boundaries.
Can you pack a bag and go and stay with your parents?
You need a break.
Weak men are so unattractive.
Men that allow their parents to bully them make the worst partners and fathers.
Its all about their feelings.
An extended break with your family might give you time to reflect and the strength to not allow his parents walk all over you.
His priority should be looking after you and the baby, not humouring his parents after you have had such a tough time.

You MIL is totally out of order but you need to stand up to her. Your partner sounds totally useless so I would be telling him in no uncertain terms his parents cannot come over everyday and if your mil keeps kissing the baby all visits stop until she can respect your boundary’s. He needs to be a united front with you and tell them to back off but if he won’t (and by the sounds of the OP he won’t) then you will have to do it yourself.

“MIL please don’t kiss the baby” next time it happens “MIL if that happens again it will be the last visit”
“We need some family time so we will see you next weekend/whatever day works for you”

Otherwise this will only get worse!

My in-laws were quite pushy initially, I had a sick baby in NICU and they kept pestering to visit and bring the other grandchildren who weren’t allowed into the NICU anyway. We had PIL visit once a day or two in, then when we finally went home a week later and they started calling to bring the grandkids my DH absolutely read them the riot act that they were to wait until we felt ready for visitors. I have actually never heard him be so angry but I felt SO supported by him and they have fully respected every parenting decision we have made since and DC now 2 has a lovely relationship with them

Is OP, not being a little wet herself?

”PIL, I had a hard time with the birth of LO, please I just need a little time
to rest, adjust and bond with LO.
As soon as I am feeling stronger,
we will let you know.”

As for the pram, “oh thank you but we have one already and this doesn’t fit in the car.” They can quiet easily return it. Who goes out and buys a pram for their DGC, without speaking to DPs. That’s a new one!

I know you are feeling overwhelmed,
OP, but speak up for yourself and
your LO. Have you lost your voices.

They are your in laws, not your enemies.

You set the boundaries.