In-laws ruining my postpartum experience

[NewMum1989]

FYI this is a long one and if you stick with it I want to thank you for listening. My LO is 5 weeks old and I’m mourning the newborn bubble I should have had. This is more than likely going to be my only child, and even if they aren’t I feel like my in-laws have totally ruined my experience and I feel really tearful and depressed when I think about it. Since my LO was born they have been overbearing and had next to no boundaries and I’ve started to resent my partner because of them. My LO was born around 4am and because I had to have an emergency forceps delivery I had to go to a recovery unit post surgery. At 8am that same morning my in laws were pestering my partner to come and visit in hospital. I was still in recovery at this point where no visiting was allowed but they kept insisting we ask the midwives to make an exception. I was probably feeling the most vulnerable I have ever felt in my life. My LO was fresh out the womb, I was numb from the boobs down, bleeding onto an incontinence sheet and I had a catheter in. Plus I was exhausted from a long labour. The in-laws messaged my partner telling him we were being malicious by not letting them visit.
I had to stay in hospital for 24 hour monitoring and that evening my partner gave in and allowed them to visit which I was not happy with. The next day I was discharged around 6pm. My partner had asked my in-laws to go to the house and put our heating on so we weren’t going home to a cold house. What I didn’t expect was for them to stay there until we arrived home. I was really quite overwhelmed at this point and went in the shower and just cried and cried.
My partner had 3 weeks paternity and I can honestly say his in-laws were over our house every single day apart from maybe 4/5 days. One of those days being Christmas Day which they wanted us to go over to them for but we said no. They then completely ignored my partner’s calls on Christmas Day because we kept it just the 3 of us in our own home.
My mother in law has zero boundaries, she keeps kissing my LO on the face even though I’ve asked people not to. One day as my MIL was leaving, my LO was on the breast feeding, she only went to kiss their head while they were attached to my boob! Thankfully I think she saw my face and decided against it!
She wears extremely powerful perfume and when I take my LO back off her I can smell it on them. I then bath my LO as soon as possible because I just think that can’t be good for their little lungs.
My sister gave me the pram my mum had bought her for my nephews and I’d planned on using that. My family are not very well off financially and my mum had saved along time to buy that pram for my sister so it was sentimental for me to have it and use it. But the MIL (who is well off financially and likes to show it) had to go out and buy this ridiculously expensive pram for us as a surprise. This also really upset me because now I’m stuck with this big bulky, impractical pram that doesn’t fit in my car properly instead of the pram that actually meant something to me.
They also ruined the naming our LO. We had two names we loved but we couldn’t decide which one we liked better, so we took our time. My in-laws kept on and on asking what they were until eventually my partner told them. Again, a decision I wasn’t happy with. The in-laws then decided to take it upon themselves to start calling my LO the name they preferred of the two. My partner then didn’t want to use that name because he didn’t want his parents thinking they had named our child for us. At this point all the joy had been taken out of the process and after we registered our LO my partner said he wasn’t sure we’d made the right decision. Again I was in floods of tears.
I thought my partner would have been a little stricter with his parents and I’m really quite angry at him as I feel this chapter of my life has been ruined. He also says to me that he thinks his mother loves our LO more than us which really upsets me.
If you’ve made it this far then thank you for reading. This is just the tip of the iceberg and I’m not really sure what I wanted to achieve by posting this. I guess I just needed to vent and get it off my chest.

You don’t have to use her pram. You have to start sticking up for yourself of your partner won’t. Your in laws are not respecting you so you don’t have to worry about ‘hurting their feelings’. You and your baby come first. Tell your DH he better step up.

OP, right now you will be feeling very vulnerable. Hormones, lack of sleep, breastfeeding, situations such as the one you are in will affect you.
I think your DH needs to step in here and start saying NO to his parents. I absolutely loved my DC newborn smell so would not want my baby covered in strong perfume so that is the first no. It’s a perfectly reasonable request.
Asking to give back a pram that won’t fit in a car is a reasonable request too. My car was tiny so we researched on a lightweight travel system that would fit and bought a second hand one as we didn’t have money for brand new.
It’s normal for grandparents to want time with a new grandchild but they need boundaries.
Visiting almost daily puts pressure on new parents who just want sleep and bonding time. When does your own Mum get to see her grandchild?
You need a united front here so can you and DH put a text message together to let PIL know that you are grateful for their time but feel you aren’t getting enough time for your own little family and that they need to consider that in the future. It doesn’t mean they won’t get to be in DC’s life but there needs to be limits.
MIL won’t possibly be able to love DC as much as you and DH. It’s not a competition!
Big hug OP, ask your Health Visitor for advice too.

If OP feels that her in laws have been responsible for ruining her newborn experience then that’s how she feels. There’s more than enough evidence in her OP to support that. Who are you to eyeroll and question it ?

This is perfect advice.

I’m by afraid your DH is going to have to tell his parents to back off somewhat as it’s all too much for you - I wouldn’t have liked this either - I can appreciate they are excited but clearly are somewhat ‘full on ‘

There really is no substitute for setting your own boundaries OP.

Your partner clearly won’t.

I'd be getting my baseball bat out if I was in your shoes OP.
(metaphorically of course)

My love... I'm sorry you're feeling like this. Your in-laws sound very difficult, and your husband sounds a bit weak and wet.

You can use whichever pram you want. Just tell your in-laws that you have a pram that you're happy with, but thank you. Or don't tell them anything at all - just put it in the shed or garage, and use your pram. If they ask why, say this pram's lighter.

Your husband really does need to be better at maintaining boundaries.

This.

Just sell the one you don't want on eBay (or wherever) and use the one you want to.

Try to look for straightforward solutions and stop making "mountains" out of relatively minor things.

all the joy had been taken out of the process

this chapter of my life has been ruined

Hyperbole. You need to lose this attitude because it won't help you. What you say when you talk to yourself matters. Stop wallowing, turn that sadness into anger, and concentrate on the positives, your joy in your new baby, etc. Tell yourself how strong you are, and that you are in control of your life.

Well I think it’s better to have realistic expectations and this whole newborn bubble thing and hiding away for weeks on end is unhealthy. I don’t understand what the fear is honestly, it’s your baby, you’re in charge, your MIL can’t actually steal it. Just use your voice. If someone is holding your baby and you want it back, which is understandable sometimes, just take it back. If you don’t want kissing and your relatives are stupid enough to kiss a newborn just say there are loads of viruses about so we aren’t allowing kissing. If you don’t need a pram just say I don’t need a pram thank you, and this one doesn’t fit in my car actually. Please can you take it back because we don’t have space. There’s no point in ruminating and festering, it’s unhealthy to go down the rabbit hole and a potential risk to postpartum mental health. The OP already has it in her head that something has been ruined and she’s been deprived of something so she either needs some help reframing her negative thoughts or if she’s broadly ok she needs to set her stall out and get on with it.

WTF? it's not her mother's problem, though your choice of words implies it is.

Maybe her partner is thrilled to see his mum cuddling his baby and being so welcoming to the new member of the family - it's his baby too? Bet OP's mum gets a free pass to hold and cuddle baby.

So often on these situations the mum's mum gets allowed all sorts while the 'mil' is not allowed, it's terrible. Id be devastated when my lovely son has a child if my daughter in law won't let me kiss my grandchild head 😒

I think you should be straight with in laws and husband. As for the pram, use the one you want.

I am sorry to read this. It's hard to stand up to family. My mother had no respect for boundaries, indeed saw no need for them so you have my sympathy.

All I can say is it doesn't last, they will calm down.

Surely to god you wouldn't do everything the OP has described in her post?

Afraid I disagree with this PP too, I don't think you're being precious at all. Of course grandparents want to see their grandchild, but it's really unfair to badger OP to find out the names and, assuming OP told them she had a pram sorted, to completely ignore her wishes.

It's completely unreasonable to impose on anyone in hospital in any circumstance, including after birth. I made it very clear to my family before my babies came that the only person who would be coming to the hospital was my partner and everyone else would meet the baby at home when we said we were ready for visitors (which did turn out to be the next day after returning home for me, but I warned them it could be a few days depending on how I felt) and that the visits would be short (around an hour). We live close to lots of family members and didn't want a revolving door situation that didn't support our bonding/recovery period.

Are your in laws making themselves useful on their visits, or just there for cuddles? I hope they're bringing you meals, making you a cup of tea etc whilst there and not expecting to be waited on.

The perfume thing really gets me too, hate it when my kids come back to me smelling of someone else!

And I can't even stand it when my partner kisses the baby on the head whilst I'm breast feeding, let alone anyone else! Genuinely puts me in fight or flight mode and makes me feel a bit tingly/nauseous, hard to describe! She would have been massively overstepping if she'd kissed them then!

I'm so sorry that precious time has been tainted for you, but hopefully laying down some future boundaries will make things better going forward. Easier said than done though, good luck!

Tell me you're a nightmare MIL without telling me.

Agree. I think it’s better to have a disinterested grandparent than one who’s constantly causing stress and upset

Could you start off by saying you and DH have a week where you have no visitors? Just some time to rest and regroup, and hopefully time to feel a little stronger and more able to stand up for yourself. Once you're feeling up to it, you need to have a very honest conversation with your DH about what you need from him, in relation to holding down boundaries with his family.

I know you feel like your in laws have ruined things, but you have more time while baby is tiny now, it's time to spend it how you would prefer, and your DH needs to get on board with making that happen for you. Congratulations on the new baby @NewMum1989!

Id be devastated when my lovely son has a child if my daughter in law won't let me kiss my grandchild head

While she was breastfeeding??

Similar experience with my first baby. My in laws are divorced. I'm about to have my second. It's destroyed the relationship I had with my father in law. I told him to back off which led to a big row with auntie in law. In marks and Spencer on first visit out, 8 days old, 2s day out of hospital. How embarrassing. Husband thankfully has been better this time around, but he still invades our space own. They've been on this earth for 60 plus years. They aren't going to change honestly. They don't care how you feel. When they turn up, go upstairs. Or lock the door and close the curtains. You're husband should be more supportive surely he can see how much their behaviour is upsetting you.

Nope that's just weird they are not any old friend they are babies grandparents! It's normal for grandparents to want to visit within a day or two of a babies birth.
I find it really odd these days that people have become obsessed with nobody being allowed to see a baby for weeks on end.

Once upon a time the birth of a baby was a joyful occasion all the family shared in, and new mums were proud to show off new baby to friends and family! I'd never have said to no to my parents or in laws coming to see baby almost right away it was so lovely to see how overjoyed they were.

Your mil sounds like hard work. But you have a DH problem.
Your DH needs to step up and stand up to her. You're feeling vulnerable and you need some space. Your DH needs to make that happen for you.
Your MIL is not your problem, she's his. Make it clear to him that he needs to deal with this now.
Also, I'd use the pram from your sister if it's the one you want to use. Just because she bought you a more expensive one doesn't mean you have to use it.
You could always sell it on fb marketplace and spend the money on yourself.
People can try to push you around but you don't have to let them. If your DH doesn't make it clear to her that she needs to stick to your boundaries - and he needs to enforce this if necessary - then stop seeing her altogether.
If she comes round go to another room and shut the door or go out and visit your family or just for a walk.
She can learn the hard way that she doesn't get to tell you what to do.

No obviously not while breastfeeding but so many now apparently ban anyone from kissing babies. No wonder half the world is anxious it's madness!

So you do appreciate that this would make the OP feel wary of her MIL?