In-laws ruining my postpartum experience

[NewMum1989]

FYI this is a long one and if you stick with it I want to thank you for listening. My LO is 5 weeks old and I’m mourning the newborn bubble I should have had. This is more than likely going to be my only child, and even if they aren’t I feel like my in-laws have totally ruined my experience and I feel really tearful and depressed when I think about it. Since my LO was born they have been overbearing and had next to no boundaries and I’ve started to resent my partner because of them. My LO was born around 4am and because I had to have an emergency forceps delivery I had to go to a recovery unit post surgery. At 8am that same morning my in laws were pestering my partner to come and visit in hospital. I was still in recovery at this point where no visiting was allowed but they kept insisting we ask the midwives to make an exception. I was probably feeling the most vulnerable I have ever felt in my life. My LO was fresh out the womb, I was numb from the boobs down, bleeding onto an incontinence sheet and I had a catheter in. Plus I was exhausted from a long labour. The in-laws messaged my partner telling him we were being malicious by not letting them visit.
I had to stay in hospital for 24 hour monitoring and that evening my partner gave in and allowed them to visit which I was not happy with. The next day I was discharged around 6pm. My partner had asked my in-laws to go to the house and put our heating on so we weren’t going home to a cold house. What I didn’t expect was for them to stay there until we arrived home. I was really quite overwhelmed at this point and went in the shower and just cried and cried.
My partner had 3 weeks paternity and I can honestly say his in-laws were over our house every single day apart from maybe 4/5 days. One of those days being Christmas Day which they wanted us to go over to them for but we said no. They then completely ignored my partner’s calls on Christmas Day because we kept it just the 3 of us in our own home.
My mother in law has zero boundaries, she keeps kissing my LO on the face even though I’ve asked people not to. One day as my MIL was leaving, my LO was on the breast feeding, she only went to kiss their head while they were attached to my boob! Thankfully I think she saw my face and decided against it!
She wears extremely powerful perfume and when I take my LO back off her I can smell it on them. I then bath my LO as soon as possible because I just think that can’t be good for their little lungs.
My sister gave me the pram my mum had bought her for my nephews and I’d planned on using that. My family are not very well off financially and my mum had saved along time to buy that pram for my sister so it was sentimental for me to have it and use it. But the MIL (who is well off financially and likes to show it) had to go out and buy this ridiculously expensive pram for us as a surprise. This also really upset me because now I’m stuck with this big bulky, impractical pram that doesn’t fit in my car properly instead of the pram that actually meant something to me.
They also ruined the naming our LO. We had two names we loved but we couldn’t decide which one we liked better, so we took our time. My in-laws kept on and on asking what they were until eventually my partner told them. Again, a decision I wasn’t happy with. The in-laws then decided to take it upon themselves to start calling my LO the name they preferred of the two. My partner then didn’t want to use that name because he didn’t want his parents thinking they had named our child for us. At this point all the joy had been taken out of the process and after we registered our LO my partner said he wasn’t sure we’d made the right decision. Again I was in floods of tears.
I thought my partner would have been a little stricter with his parents and I’m really quite angry at him as I feel this chapter of my life has been ruined. He also says to me that he thinks his mother loves our LO more than us which really upsets me.
If you’ve made it this far then thank you for reading. This is just the tip of the iceberg and I’m not really sure what I wanted to achieve by posting this. I guess I just needed to vent and get it off my chest.

Paternity leave is now over. What's going on now - are they plaguing you daily?

Couple of things to bear in mind. Not to remotely suggest they haven't been a nightmare but with a 5 week old, a serious birth injury and the general lack of sleep plus pain plus stress of keeping a new human alive, it is worth bearing in mind that your tolerance levels for general batshittery will be at an epic low.

It does mean that you can completely lose your shit with all of them and chalk it up later to hormones ..... who gives a f*ck if it means they all mend their ways.

Your baby is about to start its vaccinations and you are still recovering plus it's January and everyone has colds and flu so if you need some downtime from everyone with a box set, some skin to skin and a Cook subscription I'd start by telling your in-laws and husband that for the next 8 weeks you are only having visitors who make a prior appointment and you will cancel if everyone has had a bad night and is out of sorts. That will take you up to 13 weeks, you will be more recovered, the baby will be fully vaxxed and in a stable feeding pattern, the weather will be getting better and you can get out and about a bit more.

There is excited and there is overbearing. It may well be the case that OPs partner's mother wants to play at being mummy again.

OPs in-laws bought the pram her partner's mother wanted to use for OPs child rather than consult OP or their son on practicality of said item. Indeed it is not kindness at all but yet another example of overbearing and overarching behaviour from them. They will continue to be like this going forward as well because they have no empathy nor insight.

I would not want either of OPs inlaws to be any form of childminder primarily because they are not emotionally safe enough to be around. We women surely would not put up with this behaviour from friends, why should it be at all tolerated because they are relatives and thus family?.

I'm guessing your in-laws have been like this all the way through your relationship? If so, it was never going to get any better once you had a baby. In essence, you have a husband problem. Your husband needs to grow a back bone and stand up to his parents. Clearly, your MIL has a very strong personality, and is overbearing - and what is even more clear, is the fact your husband has never done anything about setting boundaries with his parents. His priority is you and your child, and your well-being and happiness should be paramount to him. He's allowing his Mum to dictate what happens in his own family unit!!!! Absolutely not!!

You need to sit down and have a calm conversation with your husband and tell him how you feel. Be 100% honest with him. If he doesn't set boundaries with his parents, it will cause nothing but resentment in your relationship and eventually could destroy it. No one is saying he can't see his parents or they can't visit, but it must be on your terms as a family, not your in-laws!!

Id have told them to fuck off by now and Iim no fish wife. Tell them to fuck of out of your house then blame post partum depression or something. Where the hell is your husband? Why isnt he protecting you.
Also tell your Mil under no circumstances will you even allow her in the house if she has heavy perfume on. You must lay down the law because nobody else is going to.
Protect your baby from this ghastly woman. She has no right to your baby.

I'm so sorry you've had to go through this OP. No new mum should have to endure this sort of nonsense from in-laws and I'm sorry you've been so upset by it all.

Those posters telling you to "use your voice" (an unpleasant and patronising expression) are being harsh in my view. A new mum can feel extremely vulnerable, tearful and overwhelmed - I know I did - and it's very difficult to raise these issues with people who aren't your own family.

I'd suggest you have a heart to heart with your partner and say everything you've said here. His priority needs to be you and your child now, not his parents.

If he doesn't respond positively and continues to enable them, you may need to reconsider your relationship.

You are your baby's mum and nobody can ever take that away from you - least of all.yoir MIL, who has had her turn.

Sending you good wishes and solidarity OP. As you get stronger and braver you'll be able to put boundaries in place, both with your partner and his parents.

All the best, and congratulations! 💐

I appreciate that you feel vulnerable at this time OP but you have to be assertive. Tell them no and if they go in a sulk that’s their problem and it’ll actually do you a favour as they’ll leave you alone!

People only get away with this behaviour because nobody challenges them. If your dh won’t do it then you must. Use the pram you want and fuck what your mil thinks. Them trying to access the hospital while you were in recovery was horrendous and your dh should have let the midwives tell them how ridiculous and entitled they were being.

If you don’t stand up for yourself this will continue and you will feel more and more upset and resentful.

Don’t feel like this precious time is ruined. This is all quite common normal parts of having a baby. You’ll find the mumma bear inside tell them they are going to be giving you space and thanks but no thanks to the pram and you’ll be back in the driving seat of your family and everything will be fine, promise x

"Your husband needs to grow a back bone and stand up to his parents. Clearly, your MIL has a very strong personality, and is overbearing - and what is even more clear, is the fact your husband has never done anything about setting boundaries with his parents. His priority is you and your child, and your well-being and happiness should be paramount to him. He's allowing his Mum to dictate what happens in his own family unit!!!!"

Precisely but men like the OPs partner who grow up with weak fathers and overbearing mothers become emasculated themselves. His own inertia when it comes to his parents particularly his mother hurts him as well as the OP. He may well find it impossible to stand up to her precisely because he has been conditioned from childhood to believe the sky will fall in on him if she gets upset. Upsetting his Mother is Not Allowed in The Family. She merely sees the OP as some sort of brood mare and is basically tolerated and not liked. He needs therapy re his parents. It is not unknown for relationships to actually end because of such overbearing behaviour from the man's parents too.

Hi there MIL 👋

This type of attitude disgusts me. She literally was in recovery on a drip and bleeding into an incontinence sheet being called malicious for not letting her see the baby.

For all you know her mum could be dead! Mine is! Christ

I think your husband is the main problem . He doesn't have your back. Is he scared of his parents?

Return the pram, tell them you already have one.

To reply to you OP, I think this is a very common teething problem. It's horrible and shit and people should be more caring and patient.

To be perfectly honest, you are the easier one to disappoint. You need to give your husband a harder time so he doesn't give in just to 'keep the peace' OR say it yourself.

Oh and please use your mums pram. You didn't ask for the other one so just say you use it sometimes but just...dont.

Your partner needs to enforce the boundaries. You both have to be strong and put yourself first, not giving in to your in-laws when they throw their toys out the pram when they don't get what they want. They'll soon get the message. Sometimes you have to upset people and that's ok. You can't please everyone all the time.

I think people need to stop imagining this fantasy life that theyre supposedly going to have post partum, because this magical newborn bubble just doesn’t exist! You need all the help and support you can get in those first weeks, granted your in laws are out of order but all the crying and hysterics is a little OTT from your side. You just need to stick up for yourself and your husband sounds like a people pleaser! Your newborn experience has not been ruined 🙄

Hi OP. I'm so sorry that your MIL has ruined your first few weeks with your baby. I agree with other posters that you should use the pram that your sister has given you as it has sentimental value for you. Either sell the other pram or give it to charity.

Hopefully, once your DH goes back to work, you can massively reduce the time you spend with your MIL.

Can I just check what you meant when you said:

'He also says to me that he thinks his mother loves our LO more than us which really upsets me.'

Is your DH saying that he thinks his mother loves your baby more than she loves him, or is he saying that his mum loves your baby more than you and your DH do? If he is saying that his mum loves your baby more than you do, that is an awful and upsetting thing for him to say and he is the biggest part of the problem with your MIL.

This also really upset me because now I’m stuck with this big bulky, impractical pram that doesn’t fit in my car properly

Oh dear. You will just have to sell it and use the one your mum bought.

I think you need to practice the art of smiling and saying no.

They then completely ignored my partner’s calls on Christmas Day because we kept it just the 3 of us in our own home.

How pathetic.

Why does you OH give in?

Because he agrees with them?

Scared of them?

That's what he is used to?

He would rather upset you than his mum?

this is a husband issue not an inlaws one. he should have stood up for you at the get go and told them no. you need to toughen up now and tell him and then them that this is not what you want and not how things are going to go in future.

you have to stop looking at this as if they have ruined your new baby experience. they havent. you are over reacting. there are a 101 things that can ruin having a new baby all far far worse and fortunately you have a healthy child with no issues so just be happy for that and get a grip on your husband first then the outlaws.

diddl

Men like the OPs partner who grow up with weak fathers and overbearing mothers become emasculated themselves. His own inertia when it comes to his parents particularly his mother hurts him as well as the OP. He may well find it impossible to stand up to her precisely because he has been conditioned from childhood to believe the sky will fall in on him if she gets upset. Upsetting his Mother is Not Allowed in The Family. She merely sees the OP as some sort of brood mare and is basically tolerated and not liked. He needs therapy re his parents. It is not unknown for relationships to actually end because of such overbearing behaviour from the man's parents too.

I think 99% of mums would feel sad about this constant intrusion in the first few weeks of having a new born, especially from
a heavily perfumed, baby kissing, manipulating mil.

Wow, @NewMum1989 I'm sorry you have this to deal with just at an important and vulnerable time in your life.

How long have you been with your DH? Had you had problems with his parents overstepping previously?

1. I agree with others that you need to grow a pair.

2. I’m mourning the newborn bubble I should have had

I'm sorry, but you need to lose this attitude. Life isn't an Instagram feed. You need to woman up, stop feeling sorry for yourself (yes I know you are feeling hormonal and it isn't easy to manage your emotions, but please try) and start to protect yourself and your baby.

3.Now the difficult bit.

I agree with others that the key here is your DH, but it's probably very difficult for him. I imagine he has been indoctrinated from early childhood to accept and accommodate his parents domineering behaviour.
Maybe you could sit down with him, agree between you which specific behaviours annoy/upset you the most, and discuss strategies for addressing them.

It will be a journey, you won't be able to get control of everything all at once, and some of the strategies won't work, but keep plugging away at it, and always work with your DH towards your goals

Or father

Some do need to be pushed far far away!

Are you reading the same op ?