My husband has told me he is unhappy...is this the beginning of the end?

[dune2003]

My husband and I have been together for 8 years, married 2.5 and have 1.5yr DD. We got together when we were both deeply unhappy in our previous relationships and were so happy and in love. We were ‘that’ happy couple.

Things started to change a couple of months ago, my husband’s mood changed and he became miserable and not nice to be around. Affectionate and sex completely stopped. We talked about it and he said he was unhappy, with a constant feeling of sadness and just ‘felt nothing’. He said we were no longer affectionate - I then started to make more effort with affection and sex but I feel he was making no effort to improve things.

Looking back, the warning signs have been there as we’ve slipped into the 'friends zone' after having a child. I WFH full time and look after our DD all week (who doesn't go to daycare), so I have just been too preoccupied to notice us changing.

I suggested he may be depressed and he somewhat agreed, however, he said he doesn’t feel the way he does when I’m not there, which makes me think he’s not depressed. I’ve asked him numerous times if he’s met someone else, which he’s denied and I believe him.

He says he wants to get back to how we were and feels immense guilt that his feelings are what’s preventing us. The GP gave him the anti depressant Sertraline to take. It can take weeks to take affect. I’m just so worried that he’s not depressed and has just fallen out of love with me and no longer wants to be together.

He trained for over a year to complete Ironman competition and his feelings coincide to when he stopped training completely - maybe that has had an impact?
In hindsight, WFH full time and looking after a baby, coupled with his constant training regime, had taken a toll and I was often stressed and worn out. I was often quite difficult to be with, but I think i've definitely changed, for the better.

I refuse to give up on us - we have a child and a new house together, we used to be so happy.

Has anyone saved their relationship from similar problems? Is there hope?!

There is a saying, "you get them how you lose them"

This
I hope you can both work through this and please don't put the lion's share of the responsibility re effort on you.
Your mind must be jumbled. Not sure how you can wfh ft with a baby and no child care, all very stressful.
Yes, your husband may well be depressed which is a horrible place to be in.
Small steps, one day at a time. You all have too much to lose.
Take care OP

"I genuinely don’t think he would physically cheat on me"

But he did just that with you so history does indeed have a say here

BIIIIIINGO

Marriages don't survive because the people in them are totally happy and besotted all the time. They survive because people care for each other, respect each other, want to share a home with each other and their children, despite the ups and downs (or they are so financially tied down they can't leave). It won't get back to how you were before but it won't stay the same as it is now. It could evolve into something different that you are both happy with. Or one of you might decide to leave. What you can't do, is tread on eggshells trying to keep him. If you would definitely stay with him despite the depression and lack of sex life, then tell him that you are in it for the long haul and then at least the pressure is off while he tries to recover his mental health.

thank you, this is spot on, this site seems to just blame one person especially when both parties know the status of the other.

Hi OP
Firstly, I’m sorry you are going through this.
secondly, try to ignore the inevitable in-fighting about “moral compasses” that arises whenever anyone looks even vaguely interested in another person outside their primary relationship- because it’s a common (and not actually ill-advised) trope on MN to say leave your relationship and be single etc. before getting involved.. that’s wise enough because it avoids one moving into any old situation to avoid a bad/boring relationship.

But what’s done is done (in your pasts) and it’s sometimes incredibly difficult to avoid interest developing elsewhere when things are boring or unpleasant- that’s just nature (what we do about it etc, but no-one is winning awards for living unhappy lives!).

I met my husband (he’s a few years younger than me) when he was young - 23- living with his partner. I was in a relationship that was like you describe- I’d been choked and mentally controlled (that was a weirdly non-sexual relationship too) with suicide as a threat etc). I wasn’t interested in a relationship with my now husband- he split with his ex and then I split with mine and we got together fairly soon afterwards, so my interest developed more slowly (so both single but the situation is somewhat similar to yours, albeit no children).

I don’t want to bang the “he must be having an affair” drum SOLELY because he did it before.. I think the most worrying things that DO indicate an affair is lack of sex or intimacy and his lack of interest in even trying to resolve things with you. Plus, the VERY telling thing re not feeling depressed when you aren’t around- because these behaviours combined suggest he feels guilty around you and this puts him in “depression”.

He may well be taking antidepressants but for a relatively young person, they may make orgasm more difficult to achieve but don’t regularly switch off libido (different for menopausal age women for various biological reasons). Him taking antidepressants doesn’t mean he passed some objective “depression test” other than a conversation with a GP and while I don’t know the guy and maybe he’s JUST bored and low after Ironman.. I’d be thinking it’s time for a deeper conversation with him.

See if you can get him to describe what he feels are the issues (rather than just assuming depression set in - it does (!) sometimes even when things are going well (some people have episodes of depression throughout their lives). Go from there - rather than rushing to “fix” things for him - meet him where he is (and be prepared for him to say actually I don’t want this marriage- you haven’t said much about what your life together is like, outside the work:child situation and this current situation).

I don't think he's cheating because he cheated with you. I think he cheated as the sex has stopped. If he's not getting it from you, he's getting it elsewhere. Combine that with essentially him admitting YOU make him unhappy, strong indication someone else is indeed making him happy.

He'll be giving the OW the talk about being deeply unhappy in his marriage but madly in love with OW.
If I've read it right, he doesn't feel unhappy when he's not with you. That tells you all you need to know, he is happy elsewhere. Sounds like something new and shiny has come along and he's completely checked out of your marriage.

But ow always think they are soooo much more special/ attractive/ desirable / clever / funny etc etc than the wife that he wouldn't possibly do the same to her.
And I don't say that to be specifically mean to op. It's just the belief they hold that makes them think it won't happen to them along the line.
In the vast majority of cases it does and its a really hard lesson to learn. It doesn't just shatter trust and self belief, it also shatters the sense that they were different and should force them to face what they did to the wife in the first place.
It's easy to feel its karmic justice but must also be really hard. Especially for women that were only young when they got involved and didn't necessarily have the life experience to predict the outcome.

This has nothing to do with my comment?

Yes. He's not very good at driving his life...

You said op should be aware that cheating could very well happen in her relationship because its how they got together.
I'm just pointing out that she won't think that way because she thinks she was better than his wife so why would he cheat on her?

The rest is just my empathetic brain waffling trying to understand what she's going through lol

In my experience, women cheat when their needs aren't being met. Men cheat because they see a woman they want to have sex with.
You weren't married with a child when you cheated, his betrayal to his ex was much bigger than yours, you wouldn't cheat now and want to work on it because you have a family. He already had the family when he cheated on his ex.
You're not the same, you feeling that you wouldn't cheat on him does not mean that he will not cheat on you.

I seem to be in the minority but I don't think this sounds like cheating, or like his head has been turned. However I do think it could veer into 'my wife doesn't understand me' territory very easily. I also think you have to very careful of trying to 'fix' him at the expense of yourself because it sounds like that's the path your conversations are taking - it's all about him when you're saying you're burnt out.

I agree with couple's therapy.

The counselling-directory.org.uk
I'd a good place to look for a counsellor/therapist.

Karma is a b^*%

he has form for moving onto a new shiny toy when bored in marriages with young children sounds like history repeating itself

I agree she likely isn't thinking that way ... but pointing out she definitely needs to. Shame as I don't think she's now coming back, but could probably do with some support as she has a baby and is in a horrible situation.

The cheating comments aren't pleasant to read, but it would be better for her to keep her eyes open on all fronts.

Maybe he want's back with the first wife and child, I've known it happen whereby a man just kept yoyoing back and forth between families, or he may be ready for his third.

Whatever he does I wouldn't place bets on it being the right thing.

How long was he in his last relationship for?

If you two have been together for 8 years and he has a teenager from the last realationship it seems likely that this is the time scale in a relationship where he starts getting bored and takes the easy option - to find fun elsewhere enjoying that heady new romance rather than working at the relationship and trying to keep and regain that spark

Every relationship goes through the doldrums at times, you can come out of it - as long as you BOTH want to and work at it

@dune2003 Have you ever spoken to his ex and established that what he said was true — they had a miserable marriage? Did you independently verify she was also cheating on him? Or was all of this information based on his own narrative?

Whilst it is possible to cheat once and then not again, the way you describe him he sounds very self centred. He is starting the narrative that your relationship is bad and you are making him unhappy. Does this not have red flags all over it considering that is the same narrative he gave you? I’m sure a conversation with his ex would be very enlightening. Unfortunately this seems like a pattern of behaviour he is unable to break. He needs others to make him feel happy and validated. He needs the excitement of new love which in turn makes his existing life seem boring and unfulfilling. Then to maintain his good guy image to himself and others he flips the situation and makes his wife the bad one.

Sorry OP but I would be getting angry and removing those rose tinted glasses.

My XH did just that. Took anti-depressants claiming to be depressed while having an affair with his colleague.
And he was cheating from before my pregnancy, all the way through and for four months after.
He wasn't depressed.

Hello, OP. I would say that your husband‘s honesty has given you both the opportunity that many couples do not have, which is to grow together in greater intimacy. By that I do not mean your sexual relationship but your closeness to each other. You now have the opportunity to learn about yourselves and about each other.

I noticed that some PP‘s have said that they are sorry for what you are going through. There is nothing wrong with what is happening. Going to therapy is an opportunity for growth, because there are things that need working out and growing through. It does not mean that there is anything wrong with your relationship: most marriages, where there is all but the most superficial relationship, do grow through periods of difficulty. You won’t necessarily each go through difficulties and restlessness at the same time and it won’t be like this forever. But what you have, now, is a perfectly natural stage in a relationship. Sometimes things will go easily and at other times it will be difficult and you will grow through that. What your DH is doing is being honest and telling you, rather than keeping quiet and looking for somebody else on the side, as many men do. Use this opportunity.

So, yes, go to couples therapy, and also talk honestly with each other about your childhoods, about your expectations and hopes for yourselves personally and your future together and, frankly, about what you do not like about yourselves and about each other. Your reward will be a closeness that many couples do not have.

There is nothing wrong with your relationship just because one or other review is feeling restless and unfulfilled. That is what happens in life.

This. He’s a selfish man-child.

It already is - he’s saying he’s only
down and depressed when OPs around.