My husband has told me he is unhappy...is this the beginning of the end?

[dune2003]

My husband and I have been together for 8 years, married 2.5 and have 1.5yr DD. We got together when we were both deeply unhappy in our previous relationships and were so happy and in love. We were ‘that’ happy couple.

Things started to change a couple of months ago, my husband’s mood changed and he became miserable and not nice to be around. Affectionate and sex completely stopped. We talked about it and he said he was unhappy, with a constant feeling of sadness and just ‘felt nothing’. He said we were no longer affectionate - I then started to make more effort with affection and sex but I feel he was making no effort to improve things.

Looking back, the warning signs have been there as we’ve slipped into the 'friends zone' after having a child. I WFH full time and look after our DD all week (who doesn't go to daycare), so I have just been too preoccupied to notice us changing.

I suggested he may be depressed and he somewhat agreed, however, he said he doesn’t feel the way he does when I’m not there, which makes me think he’s not depressed. I’ve asked him numerous times if he’s met someone else, which he’s denied and I believe him.

He says he wants to get back to how we were and feels immense guilt that his feelings are what’s preventing us. The GP gave him the anti depressant Sertraline to take. It can take weeks to take affect. I’m just so worried that he’s not depressed and has just fallen out of love with me and no longer wants to be together.

He trained for over a year to complete Ironman competition and his feelings coincide to when he stopped training completely - maybe that has had an impact?
In hindsight, WFH full time and looking after a baby, coupled with his constant training regime, had taken a toll and I was often stressed and worn out. I was often quite difficult to be with, but I think i've definitely changed, for the better.

I refuse to give up on us - we have a child and a new house together, we used to be so happy.

Has anyone saved their relationship from similar problems? Is there hope?!

I don’t think necessarily it is an affair, I do think however that there’s a big chance he formed ‘a connection’ of some kind that is now missing from his life and gave him the extra buzz -

To me this sounds pretty fixable, if you both want to fix it. I’m not even sure about counselling (my usual go to), it just sounds as if you need to have some more fun together and remember why you got together.

Are you outside the UK? (just asking because of the use of ‘daycare’ which is unusual here). Do you have any childcare options, even if not regular? Can you both take a day off and just play truant together to do something you used to enjoy? Make a ‘rule’ that the first thing you say to each other every day is positive? That you smile at each other and make eye contact?

It sounds like family life isn’t for him. He’s tried it twice, probably your current relationship is going the same way that his first did when a child came along.

this is what I’ve been thinking. I genuinely don’t think he would physically cheat on me, which I know people think I’m naive to think given his history.
I do suspect he is maybe “talking” to someone else which has diverted all his feelings and energy to.

Assuming this is not depression. I've noticed that when I'm unhappy with my life or my relationship it is when I haven't made an effort. Sounds like he is bored of family life but not really doing anythjng to make it more enjoyable.

Meh I’m sorry, but by the time they disengage and articulate it, it’s over and it’s physical. He clearly leaves when it becomes to mundane for him and goes where he’s a warm landing and lots of sex.

I don't mean to be hard at a difficult time op, but there's some difficult truths to face here.
He was married with a Child when you got together. Most men choose affairs when they need an escape. You came with all the freedoms of being childless.
Now, 8 years later he's back where he started with all the responsibilities of a wife and child plus (presumably) he's still paying for and spending time with his other Child so he's ended up with even more of what he wanted to escape from in the first place.
You've past the newborn buzz and mat leave, then he's thrown himself into the iron-man and now he's faced with the reality of his life.
As much as he might love you both, at some time he felt similarly if not the same for his last wife and still reached the point he had to run from that to you.
My feeling is that at best he's faced with handling the fact he's back where he started but with even more responsibility before and at worst he's had his head turned.
Given how he's demonstrated he copes with a relationship not working for him in the past my money I'm afraid would be on the latter.

Sounds like he’s bored of mundane family life and misses training. Could he work out an hour each day before work? Might lift his mood again. Perhaps you could both do with finding an interest/ hobby. He can look after the child while you go to a hobby group/ work out over the weekend/evenings.

'He says he wants to get back to how we were and feels immense guilt that his feelings are what’s preventing us.'

I was going to write 'someone else/OW' until I read this. Usually when someone else is involved, the person having an affair says the relationship is over definitively (been there, done a lot of research!).

Although I do wonder about the 'immense guilt' wording slightly.

Could you take some time together or a afford family holiday perhaps? Just putting that into the mix of suggestions.

I think if you both were in RL ,and are together as a result of an affair .then this puts more pressure on your life together.He may feel guilty as he left his wife and child for you .Kindly ,your life together at first was probably exciting and fun. this has now been drilled down to being just another family .I think he just may be bored and disillusioned .

Why does the mistress always say, “but he’d never actually cheat on me” 🙄.

And most abused women don’t cheat. They’re terrified enough about how to get out safely and get away from their abusive partner. I worked for years with victims of domestic abuse, never had to help anyone who had also cheated.

He trained for over a year to complete Ironman competition and his feelings coincide to when he stopped training completely - maybe that has had an impact?

Yes, training for an ironman takes a lot of training, which produces a great deal of dopamine. This will have had an impact on his brain and thus the feeling of sadness.

Added to that prior to this he had the excitement of an illicit affair, rightly or wrongly that will have also given him a high and great feelings

now he has the mundane life

How he sorts that out is not for you to arrange

You are now the wife and kid, boring domestic life. You’re not the exciting young woman he uses to escape from his boring life.
That’s why he is depressed. He’s looking for that fun again, “that happy couple” feeling without kids and responsibilities.

Are you sure he has gone to the doctor and is taking meds? If so then he has taken a positive step. However it could be possible that he is bored and is looking for the rush he had when having an affair. Ordinary life can be not very exciting. Why did he stop training? He's not getting his endorphins. Sadly the way you find them is often the way you lose them.

The way they come is the way they go !

I read this a bit differently.
He blew up his existing family to be with op. However much me might love her, he still had to face the absolute devastation his wife would have experienced as well as blowing up his daughters world.
There's a lot of shame to carry after that and one way to handle it is to be sure the new relationship is worth it.
He's now back to where he started and isn't happy.
I don't think he's just wishing that he could rekindle his relationship with op, I think he's having to face that all the hurt he caused wasn't worth it and now he's contemplating doing it all again to family number 2.
It's quite self indulgent on his part to vlbe feeling guilty. If he wanted to make things better with op he could just put in the effort rather than mope about feeling sorry for himself

There is a lot on the Internet about the post ironman race dopamine drop, how it affects mental health.

So, you chose a man who demonstrably runs away from his reponsibilities when he gets bored, and you are now surprised that this is what he is doing.

A normal adult, with healthy self respect and consideration for others, will always leave a relationship that isn't working long before starting another one. And they would have tried everything beforehand to make it work if a child was involved, as barring abuse all relationships usually just require some effort to maintain.

This relationship between two people running away from boredom was never going to end well.

Sounds like your replacement has arrived then.

Probably wherever he was training.

Feelings in relationships change all the time. Life becomes mundane and a little boring. In stronger relationships, you fall back in love over and over.
Especially with small children.
I wouldn't be worrying about separation yet, just work it out between you both.
Edit to add, he may just be the slippery unreliable type.

Did he have children in the previous unhappy relationship? Seems to be one of those men who cannot and will not be fulfilled with normal family life. You cannot continually chase the high of an early relationship.

I’m not putting the boot in @dune2003 but there’s a saying: lose them how you found them. I would not be at all surprised if he’s cheating again.

Yes, he was married with a child when OP went after him.

This. Post race blues are a definite thing. And triathlon training, especially Ironman, is completely all consuming. I imagine the change from this that thing took over his life to it no longer being there has caused depression in him. That’s not surprising.
He still sounds like a selfish pig though I’m sorry; you work full time AND look after small child, while he had so much free time he could train for a bloody Ironman. It should be you complaining OP!
He needs to grow the hell up.

Oh hang on, he equally or even more went after her. And he had freedom of choice. Bit of a shitty statement blaming her solely.