My husband has told me he is unhappy...is this the beginning of the end?

[dune2003]

My husband and I have been together for 8 years, married 2.5 and have 1.5yr DD. We got together when we were both deeply unhappy in our previous relationships and were so happy and in love. We were ‘that’ happy couple.

Things started to change a couple of months ago, my husband’s mood changed and he became miserable and not nice to be around. Affectionate and sex completely stopped. We talked about it and he said he was unhappy, with a constant feeling of sadness and just ‘felt nothing’. He said we were no longer affectionate - I then started to make more effort with affection and sex but I feel he was making no effort to improve things.

Looking back, the warning signs have been there as we’ve slipped into the 'friends zone' after having a child. I WFH full time and look after our DD all week (who doesn't go to daycare), so I have just been too preoccupied to notice us changing.

I suggested he may be depressed and he somewhat agreed, however, he said he doesn’t feel the way he does when I’m not there, which makes me think he’s not depressed. I’ve asked him numerous times if he’s met someone else, which he’s denied and I believe him.

He says he wants to get back to how we were and feels immense guilt that his feelings are what’s preventing us. The GP gave him the anti depressant Sertraline to take. It can take weeks to take affect. I’m just so worried that he’s not depressed and has just fallen out of love with me and no longer wants to be together.

He trained for over a year to complete Ironman competition and his feelings coincide to when he stopped training completely - maybe that has had an impact?
In hindsight, WFH full time and looking after a baby, coupled with his constant training regime, had taken a toll and I was often stressed and worn out. I was often quite difficult to be with, but I think i've definitely changed, for the better.

I refuse to give up on us - we have a child and a new house together, we used to be so happy.

Has anyone saved their relationship from similar problems? Is there hope?!

He’s not the one on here wondering why his wife is bored and unhappy when the answer would be obvious.

OP has come on the complain about her lot, when she got the guy through cheating on both sides, they broke up a family involving a child and now that she is the wife with the child, she is shocked that the same show about to play out. That’s why I’m judging her.

It was ok for her to do this and break up a family but now that it is potentially being done to her, she comes looking for support from mumsnet… a place full of women with kids who don’t really have much time for mistresses.

I’ve never been a victim to infidelity but I’ve seen it ruin two marriages of very close friends, and both the other women ended up being left in the same manner because the men cheated on them too… and they’re shocked that it could happen.

Pick better men. If you pick a man who cheats (and you’re the actual mistress) then don’t be surprised when your relationship falls apart once real life and kids start, and don’t come asking for support like you’re the innocent party.

It’s hard to say. When a relationship starts as an affair it doesn’t often last because one or both parties get bored and stray again. Affairs are often exciting and a bit of an escape, when they become your every day relationship and get serious it isn’t the same and you seek that intensity elsewhere. The fact you had a child together will have reinforced that, every day inevitably becomes about the child when they’re so small.

I honestly think he’s just bored. It could also be the fact he doesn’t have the training to focus on as an escapism.

Unfortunately OP you showed him that there's a really nice and easy way to move on from your boring, unhappy relationship - start up a new exciting one.

Fair enough. If you have been cheated on then I get it. Sorry that happened to you.

As opposed to cheating with a married man with a young child at home.

DH is responsible for his own happiness.
He is missing the exercise componant.
Suggest that he takes a jog or run in nature every day. Make him responsible for taking DC out to the park. You join them regularly.
Also make a date night each week. Take turns to surprise each other with where you will be off to.
Don't settle for hum drum.

Literally said “I’ve never been a victim to infidelity” but watched two marriages if very close friends end because of it, including some serious hurt to the children involved.

OP knew this man had a child. Did it anyway. Now she is the wife with the kid and the drudgery of everyday life and he doesn’t want her anymore. Who could have seen that coming?

the problem with something like sertraline is that it dampens down all feelings - so yes you dont get whatever was m,aking you depressed, but equally you dont get the good feelings either. They wont make him feel happier, he just will care less about stuff.
He would probably do better to go and have some therapy, especially if he has a bit of spare time work wise.
Sertraline can be a bugger to come off too

I think when you married him you created a vacancy. Some men just aren’t meant to be faithful. I’d keep a close eye on the evolution of The Script - you’ve had stage one - he’s not happy - perhaps depressed - this is caused by the cognitive dissonance of believing you’re a good guy with the reality that your behaviour is not that of a good guy. In Stage 2 he’ll tell you that he loves you but he’s not in love with you. Then he’ll start sleeping in the spare room - and well, you know the rest. May not even be another woman - when this happened to me my ex was messing around with other men.

I really dislike these posts blaming the op for the affair, hee husband is the one responsible for cheating on his wife and leaving her. If you need to rely on other women saying no to keep your husband faithful then your marriage is fucked anyway.

Ridiculous point. I had a married man come onto me and it took a mere two seconds to say no thanks, you’re a creep. All women should do the same.

im not with you. The fact my husband was cracking on to other women would be enough for me to be out I don’t give a shit if the woman says yes or no. The trying to cheat is enough for me. Raise your bar.

I have met quite a few men who have done ironman type events and they've all had issues! It sounds like he goes all in when he wants something that seems new and exciting and goes off it just as quickly too. He needs to work out why he's always chasing the next big thing and why he can't be content.

My husband would also be out but all
women should not entertain these men

Not married. Never have been. Very happy with partner and never had any reason to suspect anything going on. Never had that with any man.

But I wouldn’t choose a man that I know for a fact is a cheater, which is who OP chose.

When a married man with a child tried it on with her, she should have used the word no. If she went after him then she’s even worse.

But she doesn’t get to play victim now that he might have had his head turned from her.

I don’t disagree, but that’s very different to making it the ops fault that he cheated and left his last wife. It’s not. It’s his fault and I’m pig sick of everything being women’s fault, inc men’s shitty behaviour.

It's just a form of addiction isn't it. Anything done to excess is an indicator of a problem and excessively exercising is no different.

Right ok. I read it wrong. Calm down.

You lose him how you got him, I'm afraid.

My XH was like him in some ways - he admitted he only really felt alive when he had a fling going on. I think that's what's going on with this man - the grass is always greener and he likes the adrenaline rush. My XH was similar in that he ended up on ADs because he knew he was fucking up his life.

"when OP went after him"

Where did you read that SHE went after him?

Sounds like he just hates the humdrum of family life with kids. Hence why he was unhappy with his last family - so he left for the exciting, sexy new woman. But now you’re the wife with a child who is his humdrum family. He tried to liven life up by doing extreme competitions but now that’s over… he is bored again.

Seems like he is a man who cannot live with routine and pottering around and a relaxed life. Always after the next dopamine hit.

They aren't blaming her for her husband's past marriage break up, they are pointing out that OP should very well be aware that the same is more likely to happen to her since it formed the foundation of their relationship.

Two things that jump out at me...

He TOOK the time to train for an iron man, with a newborn. He must of trained for many hours a week... in comparison how much time did you get for yourself daily / weekly whilst he was training. Yet you seem to think you are in the wrong because you might not have been super happy at his training regime etc etc...

I will say that I am a much happier, more regulated person with regular physcical activity although u dont train at the expense of family life, I don't underestimate the impact of this on his moods but quite frankly think its ridiculous he had such a time consuming hobby with a baby

Just a warning, i was put on Sertraline , my 1 day a week urge for sex with the wife was completely zero and I became sui(idal even more (i mean, it tells you on the box)