My husband has told me he is unhappy...is this the beginning of the end?

[dune2003]

My husband and I have been together for 8 years, married 2.5 and have 1.5yr DD. We got together when we were both deeply unhappy in our previous relationships and were so happy and in love. We were ‘that’ happy couple.

Things started to change a couple of months ago, my husband’s mood changed and he became miserable and not nice to be around. Affectionate and sex completely stopped. We talked about it and he said he was unhappy, with a constant feeling of sadness and just ‘felt nothing’. He said we were no longer affectionate - I then started to make more effort with affection and sex but I feel he was making no effort to improve things.

Looking back, the warning signs have been there as we’ve slipped into the 'friends zone' after having a child. I WFH full time and look after our DD all week (who doesn't go to daycare), so I have just been too preoccupied to notice us changing.

I suggested he may be depressed and he somewhat agreed, however, he said he doesn’t feel the way he does when I’m not there, which makes me think he’s not depressed. I’ve asked him numerous times if he’s met someone else, which he’s denied and I believe him.

He says he wants to get back to how we were and feels immense guilt that his feelings are what’s preventing us. The GP gave him the anti depressant Sertraline to take. It can take weeks to take affect. I’m just so worried that he’s not depressed and has just fallen out of love with me and no longer wants to be together.

He trained for over a year to complete Ironman competition and his feelings coincide to when he stopped training completely - maybe that has had an impact?
In hindsight, WFH full time and looking after a baby, coupled with his constant training regime, had taken a toll and I was often stressed and worn out. I was often quite difficult to be with, but I think i've definitely changed, for the better.

I refuse to give up on us - we have a child and a new house together, we used to be so happy.

Has anyone saved their relationship from similar problems? Is there hope?!

I was thinking more along the lines that if he finished training he might also have finished seeing this person. Him having his eyes on someone new doesn’t automatically make it reciprocal, most women won’t entertain married men.

I get what you’re saying though.

> He trained for over a year to complete Ironman competition and his feelings coincide to when he stopped training completely

Suddenly stopping training after intensive exercise can have a serious affect on testosterone in men

Low testosterone could result in some of the mood a behaviour changes you've both noticed

He could get that tested at his GPs

This. Huge lack of drive when I was on them.

It sounds to me like now he has nothing 'personal' to work towards, he feels depleted however he chose to have a child and has responsibilities and while 'normal' life isn't probably doing it for him the way training did..... welcome to the real world matey!
Can you get out together?
Look back on the good times courtesy of the photos on your phones?

Depression is really shit.

He needs to say whatever is on his mind, nothing can be fixed by not being honest and true

The cheating messages are annoying. Just because someone cheated once doesn't mean they will again and have form for it. However, I think men are more likely to have their heads more easily turned when they are unhappy and not getting the attention they need so if it isn't happening now then it could in future if things don't change.
If he is depressed then it will take time for things to change and he probably could benefit from individual counselling as well as you both having couples counselling.

Yet he only feels depressed when he's with her ...

Sorry, but it sounds like he's building a narrative.

Hi, I've not read all the comments but have read yours. I am so sorry you are in this situation.

I just want to say a bit about Ironman. My husband does these (to date he has done 13 full distance and countless halves and other distances over the last 13 years). He says that the daily training and race day give such a buzz, they are like nothing else. After he has done a big race, he has a real down turn. He becomes tired, withdrawn and I would say a bit depressed and grumpy. All the energy and training leading up to the race, and then... nothing. So then he books another race and starts training again, back to his usual self. It really is a drug! And not to say that's the right way to live, but it might explain how your husband is feeling?

Did your husband finish the Ironman? If he took a year of training almost every day, completed the race and has now totally stopped training, this could be a big factor. Perhaps he needs to start light training again - even if not for another race. Or if he didn't finish the race, perhaps he is feeling that the year of training was a waste of time and is depressed about that.

He MIGHT not love you any more. He MIGHT be having an affair. He MIGHT just be feeling down about training, sport, Ironman. Obviously none of us know, so maybe marriage counselling would help you both.

I really do hope that you get to the bottom of it all and are all in a happier place soon...

I have to admit, my first thought was that he's cheating, emotionally or otherwise. It's pretty textbook.

I know you question why he'd bother with the pills, why he wouldn't just leave etc. but you didn't just leave your ex, and he didn't just leave his when he was having an affair with you. That's not me being snarky I'm just saying you know from experience that people don't always just leave when someone else catches their eye.

The abrupt change in exercise and all the chemicals that come with it could definitely explain it, too, though.

Regardless, if he is unhappy or looking elsewhere, there's actually not a whole lot you can do about it.

I would just suggest giving the pills time to take effect, but make sure you're in a good, stable situation for if things go sideways.

Its either due to not attending the training thing. Or maybe he met someone there and had an emotional / physical connection and they put a stop to it so hes feeling down as he still wants that person and not you ?

Have you looked at his phone etc to see any communication with someone else?

Re: taking meds maybe this will help to sort out what really is going on with his feelings. Therapy may help if he agrees.

Alternately maybe call his bluff and say you cant be with someone that isn't happy with you so suggest he leaves and finds his happiness.
His responce may help you figure out what's going on.

He’s in midlife crisis territory and clearly a man who needs something to distract him from the monotony of domestic life with a child (first his affair with you, then the iron man).

Ask him to step up as a father and get his dopamine hit that way; do a hobby with his teenager, go running with your baby in a buggy. He needs to start looking for “highs” within his personal life, not outside of it.

If he gets some exercise, vitamin D and becomes a more hands-on, better father, he’ll feel better about himself and be too knackered for navel gazing.

Couldn't let this pass without adding - how you work (the return to your employer) and what you do for childcare is no one else's business. No explanation needed. (No need for some cutting comments imo)

People leave relationships for many reasons and not everyone is a serial cheater, although they definitely exist. You are not cheating or looking elsewhere.
If it was me I would try counselling, if it’s something you are open to, and then make the call on what way it goes next. More info need on where you are both at and if he is actually cheating/ looking elsewhere. A really frank conversation.

Please don’t exhaust yourself trying to fix it all though. You’re kids won’t hate you if you walk away for your own sake and theirs (if it comes to that).

Feel for you OP. Good luck

yet here he is again unhappily married with a child.

He sounds pretty self centred. He’s happy when he’s doing what he wants and getting lots of attention and sex.

It doesn’t sound like he’s very interested in family life at all and the reality of that has noow hit home.

What’s he like with his children? What are his other contributions in the home? What’s the financial situation like?

@dune2003 would you believe that it is a phenomenon and is not at all unusual?

How long ago was the race?

Ofc, it may not be as simple as that but it would help immensely if he could just articulate his feelings, at least that would give you something to go on.

Good luck lovely 🌸

We had similar after my second was born, my DH had a rough time and was talking about divorce but in hindsight he was depressed- sertraline helped and things are much happier and more settled for us now. Give him some time and space for the sertraline time to work, its so hard and rough at the start as it seems to almost get worse before it gets better but I would bet money things are brighter in a couple of months, when his mood has stabilised a bit you'll be in a better position to see things clearly

How do you do it lol! A relationship built on two deceitful people. I’d never sleep at night!

This...

I also read your post and thought this

So he doesnt fuck off for hours training for the ironman anymore, leaving you alone with child, and now he's sad about, what a fanny.

Maybe if he put the effort in to you and family he might be a bit less down in the dumps.

What date nights / family outings/ trips is he planning and childcare is he researching finding and arranging for the 2 of you to "get back to how you were" now he has hours of free time???
This might help his depression if it is real....

Also...
When was the last time he cleaned the toilet? Or stayed up all night with the baby?
Or did the weekly shop?

What a load of fucking nonsense.
Hes checked out of the marriage.
You sound like you earn well....i'd get childcare sorted and then tell him to step up and lean in to family life or fuck off. Because you will thrive whether he is here or not...

He's by your own description been a useless partner to date... is he even able to look after the baby solo?

As usual mumsnetters say he's having an affair and leave him he will never change,you knew what he was like,you deserve this,usual sort of crap as they're all saints on here sure,but no i think it's the thrill now he's missing,settling in to having a child not having his training tiredness,life generally..you need to be spontaneous..get time away if yous can date nights all that sort of thing,get your spark back..hope everything does work out xx

It sounds bad OP and you must be having a tough time. I reckon he has either got someone else or has his eye on someone . My husband left me for someone else when our child was a young baby saying he found me boring and had only married me because he felt sorry for me!!, Had three more kids with the other woman and then left her for another woman. I think that they get fed up with the day to day life stuff and continue to s seek the intial thrill of a new relationship, oh and they are selfiish immature gits too

Op i've been on those meds and they don't always cure the problem they can have opposite affect and also depends on dosage

While it could be many of the bad things pps are suggesting, it could simply be post-race blues combined with the reality of life with a small child. Sounds like He's been training for/ competing in the ironman for most of DC life?

I did a similarly 'big' race (that I trained for for a similar amount of time), coinciding with me completing an absolutely massive professional goal (think of a big qualification, or similar). I cannot begin to tell you the funk I went into after the race. It lasted ages too (months, if not a year). And I wasn't contending with the big life change of becoming a parent (again, for him).

It sounds like he wants to work things out. I'd give couples counselling a shot. And maybe too try to carve out some time together each week.

Agree with others even if he doesn't have his eye on anyone yet you know his character. When boredom and complacency sets in he's had enough and probably thrives on the chase to boost his esteem.

You can only wait it out, see if the meds do anything but I would bet it's his personality and lack of staying lower. Long term relationships with small kids aren't exciting and if you have the sort who struggles with that then it's a worry for you.

Be on alert, keep an eye on his phone would be my advice.

Fair enough. Rather glad I’ve never cheated.

Cherchez la femme. Classic sign. Suddenly going all moody and 'depressed' and going completely off sex. It'll be all your fault next, you mark my words.

I can't help thinking that you're in a sense cheating on your employer as well. Do they realise that you have your young child with you all day? That and the having an affair thing and I'm finding I don't care, sorry.

Yes this.

He doesn’t sound like a great partner honestly, and he’s being an absolute shit telling you all this when you’ve been doing all the parenting and still have a very young child - to say he only feels depressed around you is cruel and very much sounds like he’s building a narrative. What was the excuse reason for him being so unhappy with his ex wife then? Was that all her fault too?

What’s your iron man equivalent? Where are your needs being met?

It’s all very well to say you refuse to give up, but the effort needs to come equally - if not more so - from him.