My husband has told me he is unhappy...is this the beginning of the end?

[dune2003]

My husband and I have been together for 8 years, married 2.5 and have 1.5yr DD. We got together when we were both deeply unhappy in our previous relationships and were so happy and in love. We were ‘that’ happy couple.

Things started to change a couple of months ago, my husband’s mood changed and he became miserable and not nice to be around. Affectionate and sex completely stopped. We talked about it and he said he was unhappy, with a constant feeling of sadness and just ‘felt nothing’. He said we were no longer affectionate - I then started to make more effort with affection and sex but I feel he was making no effort to improve things.

Looking back, the warning signs have been there as we’ve slipped into the 'friends zone' after having a child. I WFH full time and look after our DD all week (who doesn't go to daycare), so I have just been too preoccupied to notice us changing.

I suggested he may be depressed and he somewhat agreed, however, he said he doesn’t feel the way he does when I’m not there, which makes me think he’s not depressed. I’ve asked him numerous times if he’s met someone else, which he’s denied and I believe him.

He says he wants to get back to how we were and feels immense guilt that his feelings are what’s preventing us. The GP gave him the anti depressant Sertraline to take. It can take weeks to take affect. I’m just so worried that he’s not depressed and has just fallen out of love with me and no longer wants to be together.

He trained for over a year to complete Ironman competition and his feelings coincide to when he stopped training completely - maybe that has had an impact?
In hindsight, WFH full time and looking after a baby, coupled with his constant training regime, had taken a toll and I was often stressed and worn out. I was often quite difficult to be with, but I think i've definitely changed, for the better.

I refuse to give up on us - we have a child and a new house together, we used to be so happy.

Has anyone saved their relationship from similar problems? Is there hope?!

This occurred to me too.
Now the ex wife has a teenager who is likely fairly independent therefore has independence herself vs op who is in the toddler stage and doesn't even get a break during work..
Not to say ex wife would touch him with a barge pole but her life probably looks a lot more appealing to him at this point than op's

I’m on sertraline and don’t feel like that at all. I feel miles better than I do when I’m not on it. And still have plenty of feelings!

You married a guy who needs a new big challenge or shakeup every so often. It's been an affair, then it was Ironman, and this big attitude change started right when he completely stopped training. He's looking for a new challenge.

He's in the same place he was on his previous marriage when he was so unhappy, from the sound of it. He says he's not unhappy when you're not around, so this is not generalized depression. He is specifically unhappy in your marriage. He's focused his unhappiness or lack of validation on you. You're his scapegoat, like his ex was. He's not getting the endorphin high he was getting from his training, you said your marriage had slipped into the friend zone with little to no sex and you say you were difficult too, by that do you mean a lot of arguing? That's a lot of tension building up with no real good parts to mitigate that.

I'd say this is him ✅ ng out. You know he's a guy who has already checked out on one marriage so you should suggest marriage counseling. And get some childcare, at least part time.

I think you mean ‘you lose them how you get them’.

The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour.

Hi OP.

I've been in the same boat. I got with a guy who had cheated on the mother of his kids and it never sat well with me. He was adamant he'd never do it again, after seeing what he put her through. We were together 6 years and the last 6 months of that, he became distant and kept saying he wasn't happy. He was adamant there was no one else, but I didn't believe him. I went through his phone and found screenshots of messages with a lady at his work. I confronted him and he lied through his teeth for weeks, drip feeding me truths as he felt I could cope with them. It was an awful time. He'd been promising her a life with him for 2 years, kept her stringing along while seeing how things went with me.

I was with a man I never really knew. Some people are just like this and get itchy feet. Just be careful, OP. X

But OP also cheated too so it is 100% on her as well. They both consciously decided to be deceitful and cheat on their partners. It wasn't true love and the romance of all time. It was the same dirty, grubby affair as all the others that is inexcusable. There is no excuse to cheat.

"The trying to cheat is enough for me. Raise your bar."

They were both trying to cheat and actively cheating in the end. Neither have a bar at all to raise. There is always blaming of the man on here, but the woman is not a victim. If she is knowingly pursuing a relationship with a married man she is just as bad and deserves just as much blame. She could say no too. He may still be a dog, but she could have had some self respect and not done it.

Your husband/partner may have committed to you, but other people can also have common human decency and not fuck other people's partners/spouses. Raise your bar and expect better of people in general.

What a prince.

And the OP is apparently in a high earning high level job which she is doing from home while looking after a one and a half year old full time (which her employer doesn't know about, presumably). Just to save on childcare fees? I don't think there's much high ground in this relationship.

My ex was cheating and went to the doctor for depression. They gave him antidepressants. It happens. I feel there is another woman.

Given the backstory, I’d say I felt a bit that way while you were off training for your personal goals and I carried us in parenting a baby, so now I’m going to do some things for me and you can pull your weight parenting while you find yourself, I’m out training /hobbying whatever 14 hours a week now so I hope some precious bonding time with your toddler is just what you need, and I’m going to be just as supportive as you were of our family with a baby.

an Ironman. The things men will do to avoid housework and being around or responsible for their baby.

Sounds like you did the he picked me dance.
If he cheats with you he will cheat on you.

Sorry to hear this, liars go to great lengths....

Thank you 💐 They absolutely do.
I don't know how they do it. There's a lot to be said for having a clear conscience, knowing you can sleep soundly at night because you haven't fucked anyone over.

But how do we explain what he said about the depression lifting when he wasn’t around the Op.

He's sounding out a separation, time by himself to find himself 🙄

Well either the relationship is making him depressed or he's pinning all his woes on OP and imagining she's the cause. Either way, I can't see what's in it for her.

@dune2003 did your husband stop taking any multi vits or other pills when he stopped his training? Asking as my husband found he kind of crashed when he stopped taking multi vits and would feel down/out of sorts/a bit moody. Could be something, or could be nothing.