My husband has told me he is unhappy...is this the beginning of the end?

[dune2003]

My husband and I have been together for 8 years, married 2.5 and have 1.5yr DD. We got together when we were both deeply unhappy in our previous relationships and were so happy and in love. We were ‘that’ happy couple.

Things started to change a couple of months ago, my husband’s mood changed and he became miserable and not nice to be around. Affectionate and sex completely stopped. We talked about it and he said he was unhappy, with a constant feeling of sadness and just ‘felt nothing’. He said we were no longer affectionate - I then started to make more effort with affection and sex but I feel he was making no effort to improve things.

Looking back, the warning signs have been there as we’ve slipped into the 'friends zone' after having a child. I WFH full time and look after our DD all week (who doesn't go to daycare), so I have just been too preoccupied to notice us changing.

I suggested he may be depressed and he somewhat agreed, however, he said he doesn’t feel the way he does when I’m not there, which makes me think he’s not depressed. I’ve asked him numerous times if he’s met someone else, which he’s denied and I believe him.

He says he wants to get back to how we were and feels immense guilt that his feelings are what’s preventing us. The GP gave him the anti depressant Sertraline to take. It can take weeks to take affect. I’m just so worried that he’s not depressed and has just fallen out of love with me and no longer wants to be together.

He trained for over a year to complete Ironman competition and his feelings coincide to when he stopped training completely - maybe that has had an impact?
In hindsight, WFH full time and looking after a baby, coupled with his constant training regime, had taken a toll and I was often stressed and worn out. I was often quite difficult to be with, but I think i've definitely changed, for the better.

I refuse to give up on us - we have a child and a new house together, we used to be so happy.

Has anyone saved their relationship from similar problems? Is there hope?!

Of course she's not solely responsible. But I think it's relevant. It speaks to someone's general character.

My thoughts precisely!

And I am still struggling to see how you work FT and don’t have childcare? Surely that means you are working evenings/weekends to get the work done because the “normal” working week hours are going to be mostly focused on childcare??

So even putting aside your poor sad “only depressed around you” DH [what a shitty thing to tell you 🤨] YOU need a life that is not just work or children and that means proper childcare

How does he support you at home? As what I'm reading is the usual dynamic of a worn out and stressed out woman coming under pressure from a petulant husband because he's not the number one priority in the home. So how does he support you when you are working full time and doing the majority of the childcare? Does he contribute domestically? Does he take any of the load off you? Does he just want an endless procession of women to keep him from being bored?

oh please, are you the abuse police?

ofc I knew I was going to get judgment - why would I lie to prevent getting judgement from anonymous strangers on a forum?!

@Crushed23 you got it.

It could be as simple as missing the highs he gets from training for the iron man. Can he not get those endorphins by going jogging/training for a marathon?

He’ll get them the same way he got them 8 years ago when he was bored with his last wife and kid.

What age was the teenager when he left?

Bit sad it sounds like he has form for this.

Tbh I don’t think I would be going out of my way to paper the cracks. That could just prop things up and not resolve the issue and just delay things. Sometimes people need to hit rock bottom and have a bit of a come to Jesus moment. Only he can change/ and or resolve his mental health.

So I do think I would take a hardline ‘you have identified the issue - now it’s up to you to work to resolve that’. Your choice.

He found the time to train for an Ironman while you had a very, very, very young child, OP? Wow, you are self-sacrificing!

I'm sorry but he sounds like an immature and selfish thrillseeker. And possibly a serial monogamist too.

(Also, to add, only someone describing themselves as "that" couple thinks there is such a thing as "that" couple.)

Trying not to be skeptic - perhaps he feels like failure because he found the training too difficult.

But I just find it too convenient that you were fine and then had a baby and now he’s unhappy.

Sounds too familiar from his old situation.

I 100% think his head has been turned and he’s either think about cheating or he already has. He’s giving you the heads up that he know longer is interested in you sexually and there is someone he is interested in or he thinks he could do ‘better’ in his mind.

Antidepressants can supress the ability to reach orgasm so whilst they may help his mental health (very important) it might not put things in the bedroom back as they were. He's low and bored but unfortunately that's how it can be with little kids. Hopefully if he addresses his mental health in the first instance the rest can follow in time.

I think he’s either having an affair or has developed feelings for someone else.

Honestly if this is the case you should suggest a trial separation. Anything you do by way of your own behaviour, medication, counselling will be a waste of time as his heart is not in it. He will also lose respect for you.

I’d have a serious heart to heart and suggest you spend some time apart. If he runs straight into them arms of someone else you will know what has happened, but it might just be enough for him to see sense and sort himself out.

And this says it all about him doesn’t it.

Whilst OP was raising a baby he was focusing on something else.

You both married cheats 😂
it’s probably that he feels that he right back
whree he was years ago when he was with his first partner which led him to cheat with you

Im not really sure what you should expect
cheaters are gonna cheat when life gets boring or hard

Jesus, who are these weird women on this thread talking about taking claims of abuse ‘with a pinch of salt’ unless the woman in question is sexually pure? About ‘trotting out the abuse line’? Have they crept out of the enforcement wing of a Magdalen laundry?

Frankly I think it’s disgusting. Accusing abused women of ‘trotting out the abuse line’ is basically saying that women can be believed when they complain of abuse only if they are sexually pure. This vile attitude - shared by religious figures, police, and male authority generally for so long - has enabled abuse for centuries. It’s repulsive and I am shocked that despite so many campaigns about the reality of domestic violence such misogyny is still being paraded so utterly shamelessly.

‘Trotting out the abuse line’ 🤢. That’s what enabling and perpetuating male violence, & belittling female suffering, looks like. Just like that. Those 5 words. That’s the culture victims of domestic violence have to struggle against.

Hear hear. When is this shit going to stop?

OP he sounds like someone who is never satisfied with what he has and who can't settle with family life.

He cheated before which is not a good sign and it sounds like he is doing very little in term of childcare.

It feels like you picked another selfish and immature man.

He’s got form then. He’s probably got someone else

Op I think the problem is that people who have affairs don’t know how to improve the relationship they’re in. They want the fun of the connection with a new person more than the drudgery of working on the old relationship. Relationships can be hard, especially with young children, and if your husband has never communicated in an adult way to a partner to resolve problems then it’s not a skill he’s going to have now.

I would insist he also goes to marriage guidance or some kind of counselling to learn how to communicate and if you honestly think your behaviour hasn’t always been the best you can apologise and work at it and hopefully he can do the same. (Although I do suspect his head has been turned).

Has anything changed with his workplace, new starters, new projects? Has he started to name drop new people?

I think there's still hope. And I don't think just because you got together in the way you did that must mean it'll repeat itself and bite you on the arse.
You either need to try counselling, or find some time to sit down undisturbed and hash it out to find the root cause of the problem. Alot of men and women use the gym and the routine that comes with it as a way to keep their mental health stable. Loosing the routine with his training could have had a bigger knock on him than either of you realise. If hes saying he wants to get back to how you were though that has to be a good sign.

FYI, erectile dysfunction is a very very common side effect of sertraline for men. If he is cheating, that'll likely go tosm shit now he's on those meds. If his mood starts to get even worse I'd then start wondering if cheating is an option, and hes now more pissed off because he cant actually function to cheat

Perhaps he has been able to hide from the realities of being a parent through his Ironman training (can you imagine if you had decided you wanted to do this with a small child? I'm pretty sure he would not have been as facilitating).

I think couples counselling will help, getting the opinion of a neutral person who can maybe give his head the wobble it needs. Parenting is not all a giggle fest. it is hard work and you are meant to be in it together. What realistically is his plan, to continue to live the life of a single man while you do all the hard work of running the house and raising his family.

I am team grow the fuck up

I think he's cheating from you've said plus he has form. I wouldnt let the fact hes gone on antidepressants sway anything regarding the cheating possibility as people will do anything to cover their tracks plus he could think he is depressed so he might want to take them regardless of other things hes doing. People always blame everything/one else, before they look at themselves.

How old was his child when he started having an affair with you?

Does he only have 1 other child?