My husband has told me he is unhappy...is this the beginning of the end?

[dune2003]

My husband and I have been together for 8 years, married 2.5 and have 1.5yr DD. We got together when we were both deeply unhappy in our previous relationships and were so happy and in love. We were ‘that’ happy couple.

Things started to change a couple of months ago, my husband’s mood changed and he became miserable and not nice to be around. Affectionate and sex completely stopped. We talked about it and he said he was unhappy, with a constant feeling of sadness and just ‘felt nothing’. He said we were no longer affectionate - I then started to make more effort with affection and sex but I feel he was making no effort to improve things.

Looking back, the warning signs have been there as we’ve slipped into the 'friends zone' after having a child. I WFH full time and look after our DD all week (who doesn't go to daycare), so I have just been too preoccupied to notice us changing.

I suggested he may be depressed and he somewhat agreed, however, he said he doesn’t feel the way he does when I’m not there, which makes me think he’s not depressed. I’ve asked him numerous times if he’s met someone else, which he’s denied and I believe him.

He says he wants to get back to how we were and feels immense guilt that his feelings are what’s preventing us. The GP gave him the anti depressant Sertraline to take. It can take weeks to take affect. I’m just so worried that he’s not depressed and has just fallen out of love with me and no longer wants to be together.

He trained for over a year to complete Ironman competition and his feelings coincide to when he stopped training completely - maybe that has had an impact?
In hindsight, WFH full time and looking after a baby, coupled with his constant training regime, had taken a toll and I was often stressed and worn out. I was often quite difficult to be with, but I think i've definitely changed, for the better.

I refuse to give up on us - we have a child and a new house together, we used to be so happy.

Has anyone saved their relationship from similar problems? Is there hope?!

Hear hear.

Sorry for your situation, OP. How is your communication with him generally? Do you feel able to ask if he's feeling a bit Groundhog Day starting a new family, if perhaps young children are not his favourite phase in life? I think you really need to talk this through in more depth than you have so far.

Did you miss the part where OP said he did this training for over a year.
This behaviour started a couple months ago.
And they’ve got a 1.5yo.

So basically the time he started doing this training coincided with OP having a baby.

OP says she’s working FT and caring for a young child FT.

Shes said she’s worn out and stressed.

She said he’s miserable, stopped any sort of affection and is not nice to be around.

Diddums to him ‘missing the thrill of training’ when OP has been struggling with a baby and now he’s making her life even harder.

Not just unfaithful with his feelings: his actions too - both of you should be doing the childcare. He doesn't get to mooch around having the vapours.

We got together when we were both deeply unhappy in our previous relationships

Cheating. He did it with you so he can easily do it to you. It’s call getting what you deserve.

I'm so sorry OP, but the likeliest explanation is that this is his MO and history is repeating itself. You can pursue all of the perfectly valid lines of support that you've identified, and perhaps really skilled marriage counselling might be of help. However, the bottom line is that the last time he found his relationship difficult he jumped ship to be with you. He doesn't know how to fight for a marriage and you can't make him.

The exercise thing is real. Trainers have said it's a natural antidepressant (obviously not saying that it can solve all problems) and it has massive effects on your body, especially if he was training at this level. He might also have had friends he trained with that he no longer sees. Loneliness is a problem too.
You can't force him to go for counselling, or to see his GP for further checks, but as his wife, you have the right to encourage him. Try to get family to support you both as a couple, to have counselling and time together.

Post-training depression is a thing, I know lots of people who have had this after a marathon etc. It's a real sudden change to your life style.

What's your gut instinct telling you?

He sounds primed to go looking for that honeymoon feeling with an OW.

Is he one of those that gets bored when that feeling wears off?

If he’s training for Ironman, are you sure he’s not taking/been taking anabolic steroids?

They have a huge effect on mood.

It's all started from a place of drama and high stakes..and then you've settled into a normal family life together.. sounds like he's looking for excitement again ?

Well sexual dysfunction is a common side effect of sertraline, so if he is being unfaithful that should put a temporary halt to his gallop.

OP... Marriage, babies, full time work - basically grown up life is not a rom com. It's team work, mutual respect and commitment to shared goals. It sounds to me like you husband is just really immature in thinking his life should look like a Hollywood movie (that couple) or he's had his head turned. Either way the anti Ds will help.

Do you want to stay with him?

Maybe call his bluff and say you can divorce and split custody 50/50 - I think his response would tell you everything.

Honestly, he just sounds like he has entirely unrealistic views on what a long term relationship is and struggles with domestic drudgery.
so, once the honeymoon period wears off and the day to day commences he opts out. Babies speed up the process because there is a larger domestic burden and the woman is often exhausted so sex (often) becomes more infrequent.
Don’t spend your life being run ragged trying to please this man child. He needs to share the burden so when you find time together one of you (you!) isn’t exhausted and resentful.

Well I can well understand why you had an affair to escape, and I’m not going to be the judge of anyone. I hope you can sort it out together.

He strikes me as someone who needs something exciting on the go to keep him happy. I hope he can find something and not try to blame you for his boredom.

That’s just family life, it’s tough and a built hard and he is going to have to accept it.

Can you plan a big holiday together maybe?
Just keep talking and communicating. I hope you can work it out x

Judgemental much? Think they were both 'after' each other

He had a wife and a child. No decent woman gets involved with a man when a child is going to be put in the middle and hurt.

The problem is OP. Men like your husband cannot settle in for the normal domesticity of life. The fact he is describing how your relationship isn’t like it what in the beginning rings alarm bells. Chasing the high of a new relationship feeling begets any normalcy of family life - children do bring with them routine, stability. He already left one family unit; I doubt he would think twice about doing it again. It always shocks me that women who begin relationships with men who have already broken up a family somehow feel that they’re on to a winner. In my view, that is rarely, if ever the case. Perhaps if they’re aging and playing the field is no more but generally me who can walk out on my family unit, can do it to another.

Oh but he is ok then is he? You have been nothing but judgemental throughout this whole thread. Ignorant about dv abuse victims aswell. Give your head a wobble!

I suspect OP is much younger than him.

I’m not sure how being a victim of DV somehow absolves you of having an affair with a married man with a child. The man is equally to blame but it takes a certain type of person to begin a relationship with another when they know a family is at home, completely oblivious, DV or no DV.

Yeh I think so. He probably took advantage of that aswell.

My money is on a OW.

Is he still working out? He could do with a form of exercise that doesn’t impact family life and enjoyable. You need some you time.

do you have date nights?

1/ He's on a comedown after Ironman
2/ He's doing to you what you both did to his ex
3/ He's fallen out of love
4/ He's bored by family life

You'll likely get through 1/ over time particularly if he takes up another challenge but any of the other 3 and you've got a (could see it from a mile off) serious problem.

This is just really nasty...