My husband has told me he is unhappy...is this the beginning of the end?

[dune2003]

My husband and I have been together for 8 years, married 2.5 and have 1.5yr DD. We got together when we were both deeply unhappy in our previous relationships and were so happy and in love. We were ‘that’ happy couple.

Things started to change a couple of months ago, my husband’s mood changed and he became miserable and not nice to be around. Affectionate and sex completely stopped. We talked about it and he said he was unhappy, with a constant feeling of sadness and just ‘felt nothing’. He said we were no longer affectionate - I then started to make more effort with affection and sex but I feel he was making no effort to improve things.

Looking back, the warning signs have been there as we’ve slipped into the 'friends zone' after having a child. I WFH full time and look after our DD all week (who doesn't go to daycare), so I have just been too preoccupied to notice us changing.

I suggested he may be depressed and he somewhat agreed, however, he said he doesn’t feel the way he does when I’m not there, which makes me think he’s not depressed. I’ve asked him numerous times if he’s met someone else, which he’s denied and I believe him.

He says he wants to get back to how we were and feels immense guilt that his feelings are what’s preventing us. The GP gave him the anti depressant Sertraline to take. It can take weeks to take affect. I’m just so worried that he’s not depressed and has just fallen out of love with me and no longer wants to be together.

He trained for over a year to complete Ironman competition and his feelings coincide to when he stopped training completely - maybe that has had an impact?
In hindsight, WFH full time and looking after a baby, coupled with his constant training regime, had taken a toll and I was often stressed and worn out. I was often quite difficult to be with, but I think i've definitely changed, for the better.

I refuse to give up on us - we have a child and a new house together, we used to be so happy.

Has anyone saved their relationship from similar problems? Is there hope?!

Do you think he’s missing the initial high of the relationship? He may think that’s “love” and not realise that love is actually choosing each other over and over again. Especially if you were both unfaithful to be together (no judgement, I’ve done it myself).

That’s because you’re currently satisfied.

Both of you became unhappy and instead of leaving your partners, staying single, healing and then finding someone - you both got with someone else before you left your partners.

Did he get with his previous partner through cheating?

I honestly don’t know of any relationship that has lasted under these circumstances because it’s either a pattern of behaviour or it leads to paranoia.

I can’t help thinking this is a pattern for him - starting to become unhappy and giving himself the green light to find someone else.

I would ask that he does couples counselling but also be smart and get your ducks in a row.

I’m confused how you can work FT but have no childcare.
Does he do 50/50 childcare?

Would you say this relationship and parenting is 50/50?

Tbh it sounds as though her suffers from recurrent fairly severe depression - both when you first met him and now. Part of that may be connected to an inability to cope with family life, but he needs to speak to a GP, explore medication and start therapy. He can’t keep walking away from partners/children whenever he feels low, as the common denominator is HIM. He needs to get to the root of why he feels sad and why it keeps happening.

But yes, if he is not willing to do the work to resolve this, your marriage will be over.

Sorry OP but I think you’re being naive. He was unhappy in his last relationship and left to be with you. Now he’s unhappy in your relationship and will probably leave to be with someone new. Maybe he already has that someone or maybe he soon will. Nice conclusion he can’t settle. Alternative conclusion he’s a serial cheat.

I would have thought meeting someone new would have the opposite effect on what OP is seeing. You’d be having a bit of a skip in your walk and a bit of a glow and a smile you can barely wipe off your face. Women normally suspect another woman when their husband has a seemingly new lease of life, not walking around like Eeyore the donkey.

I think the end of Ironman training has a lot to do with it, coupled with the domesticity he has repeated from his first marriage. It could possibly be redeemed with some changes and resetting, if it’s what you both want though. Him saying he basically feels better when you’re not around would be the end for me though.

I don't think I'd jump straight to affair, I think the only obvious fact here is that your husband is really struggling and depressed. Everything in life can feel off when you are in a dark place. Is he having therapy? Keep an eye on him because sertraline can have some very extreme side effects. It sounds like you have your hands full, but I would be looking to work together to come up with a plan to help him climb out of this (therapy, exercise, diet, positive daily rituals etc). Tell him you are going to help him and work together as a team.

A marriage needs two people to make it work, and you can’t fix this by yourself.

Sometimes the best way to approach this kind of crisis is to take a cold, hard look at the options. What is your financial situation if you split? What’s the situation with your home? Is he a good dad to his teenage dd, and does he co-parent well with his ex. What would you need to get in place if you split with him, in order to be ok.

Think that through, and get your ducks in a row, mentally at least. It puts you in a much less vulnerable frame of mind, because if the worst is true, you know in your heart that, eventually, you will be ok.

If you can picture that, you might find that you’re not ok now. You’re bewildered, confused, suspicious, uncertain and it’s a pretty shitty way to be. You deserve better than that.

Now on that note I’m going to gently point out that your boundaries are very porous. I suspect your exh did a number on you because you’re accepting things that most of us would have considered red flags. I don’t want to be hard on you, because I think you’re actually far more vulnerable than you realise.

It’s really important to approach situations like this from a position of strength because dancing the pick me dance with a man like this can destroy you. He needs to shape up and be the partner you deserve, if the marriage will survive because there is no amount of contortions you can do to make him love you if he doesn’t.

Another selfish man who (while his partner spends her time and effort caring for their child and facilitating family life) takes the opportunity to indulge himself with hobbies that make him feel like he's an Olympian
I think this is just another person who is only happy if they are the star of the show/highest ranking person and is therefore unable to function in a way which allows for an equal partnership.

It's normally a bit of a roller coaster of the two or leaning more towards eeyore.
Cheating is exhausted and full of guilt and shame. It also requires the betrayer to construct a narrative whereby their spouse / committed partner is problematic which can make the betrayer frustrated and and angry with them.
It would take a particular type of nasty person to be able to be all sunbeams and rainbows around the spouse they are cheating on. What op describes is much more common and comes from feeling sorry for themselves more than anything.

Just wanted to pick up on this deeply unpleasant comment.

I cheated on my ex partner.

Since in the preceding years before the affair started he had raped me, smashed my head into the ground, done lasting damage to my nose, tried to strangle me (on several occasions), shut me into the house and taken away the keys, verbally abused me in terrifying fits of rage, used drugs heavily, driven our child while drunk, & taken our child (repeatedly) to buy drugs in unsafe houses, & much much more, I have ZERO feelings of guilt for cheating. Nada, nil, nothing.

This idea that women suffering from domestic violence must be pure and holy, without sexual needs, & that any woman who admits to sexual activity outside her relationship cannot have been abused - it is VILE. Shame, shame, shame.

Good for you OP, not letting yourself be guilt tripped by the ignorant. Mind you, your OH sounds self indulgent & childish & in need of a bit of emotional discipline. I suspect you could do better

Not sure whats he's got to be unhappy about! He's got a cushty set up with you working and caring for your child -not sure why you agreed to do that especially as you won't be giving either your full attention. Plus he has lots of time to indulge his hobby. He needs to do more stuff with your child so he's more busy, less wrapped up in himself and remembering what parenting is actually like

But yeah you got with a cheater so lm not sure what you expected? Old habits die hard

Sorry I have little sympathy for you or him, your relationship started based on cheating and lies. It may well be happening or about to happen again if that is how your DH deals with issues.

You are. He's a selfish immature man who, rather than being thrilled and grateful that you are working incredibly hard to look after his child while holding down a full time fricking job, is angry that your attention is no longer entirely on him.

What an absolute prick. TBH the Ironman thing was a key indicator - such a type.

Please don't kill yourself to save what is not worth saving - it will destroy you.

Not always the case.

He's a bored man child who can't stand not being the center of attention.Life with a 1 year old is boring and relentless.

The fact you're making an effort and he isn't, tells you everything.

Get him back on the ADs and back on the training and re-evaluate in a few weeks. My DH has been taking them for a month and the fog is starting to lift, however sex is off the table. If im honest, when he told me he was unhappy I threw my toys out of the pram - together 20 years, house, 2 kids well out of the baby phase, own house, dog, relatives that live across the road that help with childcare, he has, although stressful, the job he has always wanted. I work ft but do the majority of admin/kids stuff/housework. He said he has a feeling of 'is this it' - yes! What more do you bloody want???? Am hoping its gets better in the next few months, but am mentally preparing myself in case it doesn't. I'm sorry OP, a lot of men seem to get this mid life doubt and will throw their entire lives away because life got a bit mundane. Its taken us 20 years to get where we are - its jaw dropping tbh. But if he would rather rent a bedsit away from his wife and kids, that's his decision.

Sorry to say it, but it sounds like a classic case of 'what he'll do WITH you, he'll do TO you'.

Sounds like he's bored of the monotony and hard work of having a young child (or rather, he's bored now that you don't have much time to be 'that' fun happy couple any more given you're working AND looking after a child at the same time). So he's off doing his own thing - and looking elsewhere given he has form for it.

Bored of family life and probably having an affair.

She said "most" abused women and that makes sense to me. Abuse has such a terrible psychological impact that many of us couldn't even contemplate being with another man, and certainly not while enduring the abuse. Some of us were completely focused on how to get out of the abusive situation with our lives intact.

There you go then. You reap what you sow.

The drop in exercise would cause a massive hit. Can you do any exercise together/as a family?

Love isn't a feeling like in the movies. It's a choice. Love is to wake up and, in spite of all else, to choose to be a team. It requires patience, perseverance, kindness and teamwork. He may not have loving feelings towards you, but he can still love you by showing up and taking action in your relationship.

Can he take a day or half day from work and find out what parenting a preschool child is like? It does sound like he is unable to deal with normal family life and is probably planning his escape to the next ‘carefree’ relationship unfortunately.

Ask him to hand his phone over (although obviously this could mean nothing as most men will have a burner phone for an affair).

From my own experience- men who cheat (which he’s already proven he’s willing to do) will often use the “depressed” story - and go to extreme lengths to mask what they’re doing.

I had a relationship with a married man (didn’t know he was married) and the lengths he went to and the lies he told to hide his true behaviour from both myself and his wife were pathological.

Obviously he could just be telling the truth but the fact he says he’s ok when you’re not around is pretty horrible isn’t it?

Could be he’s looking to get out without being the bad guy and getting his excuses in now.

Just keep an open mind and do some snooping is my opinion. And don’t be surprised if he ends the relationship and then a few weeks down the line an OW pops out of the woodwork.

Sorry OP, must be hard all this whilst looking after the baby. He’s selfish.