My husband has told me he is unhappy...is this the beginning of the end?

[dune2003]

My husband and I have been together for 8 years, married 2.5 and have 1.5yr DD. We got together when we were both deeply unhappy in our previous relationships and were so happy and in love. We were ‘that’ happy couple.

Things started to change a couple of months ago, my husband’s mood changed and he became miserable and not nice to be around. Affectionate and sex completely stopped. We talked about it and he said he was unhappy, with a constant feeling of sadness and just ‘felt nothing’. He said we were no longer affectionate - I then started to make more effort with affection and sex but I feel he was making no effort to improve things.

Looking back, the warning signs have been there as we’ve slipped into the 'friends zone' after having a child. I WFH full time and look after our DD all week (who doesn't go to daycare), so I have just been too preoccupied to notice us changing.

I suggested he may be depressed and he somewhat agreed, however, he said he doesn’t feel the way he does when I’m not there, which makes me think he’s not depressed. I’ve asked him numerous times if he’s met someone else, which he’s denied and I believe him.

He says he wants to get back to how we were and feels immense guilt that his feelings are what’s preventing us. The GP gave him the anti depressant Sertraline to take. It can take weeks to take affect. I’m just so worried that he’s not depressed and has just fallen out of love with me and no longer wants to be together.

He trained for over a year to complete Ironman competition and his feelings coincide to when he stopped training completely - maybe that has had an impact?
In hindsight, WFH full time and looking after a baby, coupled with his constant training regime, had taken a toll and I was often stressed and worn out. I was often quite difficult to be with, but I think i've definitely changed, for the better.

I refuse to give up on us - we have a child and a new house together, we used to be so happy.

Has anyone saved their relationship from similar problems? Is there hope?!

If you were both unhappy in your previous relationships, why did neither of you end it?

Honestly this is a massive red flag and it sounds like neither of you can be single - you become unhappy in your relationships and then line someone else up before you even separate.

It sounds like this may be what’s happening here.
He may not have found someone yet but it’s likely someone’s caught his eye and he’s getting fed up of family life like he did last time.

You say you’ve been quite difficult to be with - how do you mean?
There’s being a bit snappy if you’ve been up with a newborn baby all night and then there’s being disrespectful or controlling.

Correct - thank you.

my ex was a mentally abusive pig. I’m not here stating I’m a DV victim.

I’ve been there lovely - for me it was when he stopped doing ‘tour’ stuff. Not an affair as such but a certain kind of nice little buzz for escapism - obviously you can’t rule out an affair but I suspect hes missing that ‘extra ego buzz’ that he may well have been getting - some men I feel simply can’t cope with domesticity and Groundhog Day - they need a little frisson somewhere in the background even if it’s nothing more than a ‘possibility’ - I think some women too are similar, but it’s not always about other men, can be ‘another baby’ or moving house or weddings - I know a fair few women who regeretted getting married within a year after they realised for them it was less about the relationship, more about the wedding. I would really have a lay it all on the table discussion but would prepare for the fact it’s not you, it’s him- it’s nothing you are doing:haven’t done

He may not even be taking the sertraline OP and if he is cheating, then he might find it easier to take the sertraline than to leave you. I'm often amazed at what people will do to avoid responsibility TBH, wouldn't surprise me if a cheater was taking anti-depressants as a cover, as mad as that sounds to most people.

There is no point in torturing yourself, you'll find out soon enough. He could be depressed as he is taking medication.
Don't keep pushing for affection, fuck that, you've already put him on a pedestal.I suppose you were doing the heavy lifting while he was training.
You have a good job, a baby who you adore, he isn't in the same place as you.
You should bin him.

Honestly, I would tell him to grow the fuck up. He’s already broken up one child’s home and now he wants to do the same to another baby? He is a father, which means putting the needs of his children first. No one owes him happiness and fulfilment, it’s up to him to make his life and choices work for him.

I tried to end it with my ex many times but he always used the “I’m going to kill my self” line. So would always go back.

plus I leant him money which he used to control me - so in the end I ended it when we met and lost the money.

I’ve spent most of my 20s single, my ex was my first relationship.

I think we all thought he was having an affair, didn't we? It all adds up. He has more or less told you that he is bored of you and that he is involved in another exciting love affair (with the thrill of the secrecy, of hiding from the boring old wife in hotel rooms in the afternoon after getting all sweaty and masculine from the Ironman training. Ironman my foot. He's fake as fuck. Get your ducks in a row.

To give an alternative perspective, I massively threw myself into a hobby when I started to realise my marriage was crumbling. It was a way of distracting myself and not having to think about things I didn't want to think about, as well as getting a dopamine hit. In the end, I stopped doing the hobby and faced up to reality though.

Could be that something similar was going on with the Iron Man. As other posters have said, it sounds quite likely that he has realised that you can't escape the mundanity of family life by swapping one family for another. It sounds like he is one of those people who needs 'highs' which the affair then the Iron Man provided, but which pottering around the home doing the odd jobs that need doing and chatting to your wife and doing childcare probably don't.

I wouldn’t jump to the conclusion he’s having an affair. I know plenty of people who have got together through an affair and haven’t cheated again (I don’t know any that have cheated again!).

It must be tough on both of you. You’re caring for your child during the day, then having to do a full time job in the evenings when your husband is there to take over/or the child is asleep. When can you spend any time together, it doesn’t sound sustainable.

Have you thought about getting childcare during the day, you’ll get free hours soon and tax free childcare. It would remove some of the stress, you can get your work done uninterrupted at a regular time and have quality time with your husband to reconnect.

Cheating never ‘just happens’. Nobody finds themselves accidentally cheating on their partners. You can’t help finding somebody attractive, but you can help what you do about it.
Bearing on mind that he’s already had an affair with you, and seen that although it was horrible, nobody died, I doubt he’d shrunk from doing it again, however I wonder if his depression is due to possibly having his head turned and feeling unhappy again, plus feeling ashamed because he feels trapped and doesn’t want to be ‘that guy’ who abandoned a wife and child all over again.
How long was your affair? If he can sustain a double life for a good while, please don’t think he couldn’t do this to you, remember that his wife probably thought that too. You’ve taken her place now with exactly the same guy. If all he learned from his affair was that he’s a good liar and got what he wanted, if he’s not appalled at the way he left his marriage and doesn’t hate the dishonest man he was at the time, if he hasn’t learned or changed his views about honesty, you could be in the position she was now.
None of this points necessarily to him cheating now though, extreme exercise gives you a high and boosts self-esteem, so it could be a hangover from losing that, or maybe he feels that the shine has worn off life and he’s ended up where he was with his first wife now, who knows? The alarm bell for me is that he says he’s depressed when he’s with you and the bad feelings go away when he’s not.
Depression doesn’t switch on and off. It’s often caused by a loss of some kind, (relationship/ job/ suddenly feeling old and losing youth, a loss of any kind) or feeling trapped in a situation you can’t (or don’t think you should) change.
He needs to talk more to you about these feelings and explore why he thinks the feelings are dependent on when he’s with you or not.
It wouldn’t be surprising if he’s cheating, he’s got form for it and only learned that it was a way of getting what he wanted at the time. Doesn’t mean he is though and might genuinely be depressed. Until he starts talking properly to you and his doctor this will continue. In general doctors have very little time to diagnose mental health problems and anti depressants are given far too readily. I’m not Doctor-blaming here, they’re pushed for time and erring on the side of caution.

Thank you. I was also unfaithful, but I would never cheat on him. Can that not be the same for him?

Im thinking of putting DD into nursery part time to ease the burden. I live in wales so dont get funded hours till she’s 3, unfortunately.

He wasn't taking steroids for his iron man training, steroids or stopping taking steroids can cause depression and other physical and mental problems

OP, you're with someone that is willing to be unfaithful to their wife and child. That's just who he is. That's his character. No woman on earth is dazzling and special enough to change that. Sounds like he just can't abide by being a decent family man – it depresses him.

I was also unfaithful, but I would never cheat on him. Can that not be the same for him?

Were you married with a child? Also, what's your age difference?

Well, you know he's a cheater - as are you! I'm surprised that you trust him when he says he's not seeing someone else, he is obviously not the type to stay and work at the relationship, he's the type to move on to pastures new. I don't know if you can save the relationship but I hope you can, for your little one's sake.

It sounds as though your DH doesn't need to take the antidepressant because he reckons his depression lifts when you are not around. What an absolute cunt.

Would he have gone on anti depressants for that though? Meeting someone new would re-ignite the dopamine surely?

Ouch! That’s 🤨 of him.

Especially sertraline, which is well known for killing the sex drive.

I imagine that op tries to do it all and give him his freedom to do the things he's passionate about because her relationship started with a comparison to his last wife.
She'll have heard all about how his wife is never happy, always complaining he's not there or doesn't do enough so he can never just get out and do all the things that make him happy.
Having no kids and not requiring anything of her now dh she was easily sparkling in comparison and enjoyed that. Now she's painted herself into a corner of having to smile and not complain to avoid being the very thing that made him pick her over his wife in the first place.
It's a hard lesson op, but you have been doing way to much here. Pull it back so he actually has to appreciate you and everything you've been doing. And if he doesn't its his loss not yours.

So he doesnt fuck off for hours training for the ironman anymore, leaving you alone with child, and now he's sad about, what a fanny.

Maybe if he put the effort in to you and family he might be a bit less down in the dumps.

Thanks for everyone’s replies.

few points:
i wasn’t married nor had kids previously

he wasn’t on steroids and stopped training after it finished as it was such hard work.

I do feel like telling him to just grow the fuck up and snap out of this mood, it is a bit pathetic at times.

Hes definitely got the meds, I’ve seen them and seen him taking them.

@dune2003 how do you get on with his teenage DD?

I am going to assume he is a lot older than you, OP. Since he has a teenager already. You met at work ... he paints the picture of an unhappy marriage, when really his ex wife was just in your position now – young child at home, husband had gone off her.

You say she cheated on him too – did he tell you that?