Emotional affair and trying to reconcile going wrong

[Hogglehedge]

Need to offload, just so fed up

I really need some support and a space to offload. Please be kind as my mental health has taken a battering with this as im neurodivergent and ive been dealing with a very poorly daughter. I have been liking and following similar threads and comments recently.
In july I found out my H was having an emotional affair and exchanging sexual photos with a work colleague, a really flirty desperate woman I warned him about, this was after seeing her behaviour on a work social - she was all over married colleagues and ignored me.

My husband was part of whatsapp group chats with her attention seeking in which i didnt like , sexual banter and way crossing lines for a work chat -and eventually I just knew they were chatting separately, my intuition was screaming at me for weeks something was going on between them, there was mentiontis constantly and he also gaslighted me and made it all about me, my paranoia and hormones and him "not having any female friends " and all the usual crap they spout. Typical script shit.

I ultimately found out about the affair by things on his phone. He admitted messaging, offloading to each other and sharing of photos on one occasion. So it was an Emotional affair. He downplayed it saying it wasn't and that he didn't know there was such a thing. More bs.

hes promised hes told me everything and that it was just him being stupid and lines were crossed by him because we were going through stress - ive still not known whether hes told me the full truth. I'll never know. We decided to try and work things out- this was after some time apart and me nearly ending things. He promised he would block her on all angles and ive seen this. He also told her i knew and showed me proof of her seeing a message he sent telling her. However, they still work at the same place neither of them have left. Yes, I know he should of left his job. At the time I was so devastated and we are struggling financially. But now I really wish id made him leave.

Looking back now ive not been harsh enough. Which leads us to now. Things had been going OK, reconciling and he had been making an effort and I had no suspicions.....up until November time when his demeanour changed again, I noticed a weird vibe about him. I think hes been missing her chats and his ego boosting off her and they've got back in touch again and hes just unblocking her when hes away from me. recently ive found out that hes still doing things for her at work. Hes posted in a group chat that shes not in about doing a favour for her at xmas. Why is he bothered about her??? No contact means no contact!!!!! He's white lied a few times things to do with her which he dosent realise I know about as ive seen stuff on his phone again and ive been testing the waters to see what he comes out with. I can't face bringing it up again just yet, its my birthday soon, I just can't face another argument over that vile woman and his behaviour. I shouldn't be having to explain to a 45 year old man what respect is and the right way to try to reconcile after what hes done. im devastated that hes still in contact with this woman at work, he still sees her in the canteen at times, not every day but he says he can't walk away if shes there when hes with other collegues. Shes also married too - on and off apparently- i think he knows things but im too scared to message him. Its making me so angry that she knows my husband has "blocked" her for me, yet he still continues to carry on as normal with her, someone who has caused me so much pain and anger. I just needed to vent in here. I know what I need to do, im just so angry he just dosent care and how he could do this. am I right to be worried that there was far more to this in summer. I just dont know. Im worried they have been physical but hes sworn and promised its just been a few offloading messages and only one where he sent a photo after a few drinks. I know many of you will say LTB but I just love him so much despite what hes done. Deep down I know he will likely do it again. Its hard not to be angry towards her but ultimately it was my husbands choice to engage with her and its his entirely his fault. Its so hard, please be kind, im also amazed at how my intuition was so spot on with this, and how I was right all along. Sadly its still telling me he hasnt cut her off. Im just heartbroken really after what hes done and the damage its caused, I dont think I can get past it 💔

I've been thinking about you. As horrible as this is right now, I promise you will come out the other side and be happier and have peace.

I’m sorry you had to do this but after everything he has put you through I think you have made the right decision. It must have been torture not knowing what was really going on. I hope you can start to heal now💐

So sorry @Hogglehedge , that’s just awful. Easy for me to say but hard to do, but stay off her social media, it wil do you more harm
than good. Steel yourself and decide that what he does or she does isn’t your problem any more, turn your focus inwards towards caring for yourself and your children. Strengthen that unit and put your concentration there.
And leave yourself alone! No harmful inner chatter, no self-blame, no taking responsibility for either his happiness, or him as a grown adult man. A grown adult man with responsibilities he has shirked and promises that he has reneged on. You are so, so much better than that.
Think for a minute about all your achievements as a mum and as a decent woman, list every good point you have and say to yourself “That’s who I am. That’s what I achieved and brought to the family table. I am bloody marvellous and more to the point: I am enough.”
Be your own cheerleader. Women are rubbish at that, we really are. But now you need that cheerleader version of yourself leaping about in your corner, shaking her Pom Poms and yelling that @Hogglehedge is the best thing since sliced bread, because to your kids and your family and your friends and to yourself, you bloody are.
Detach from this selfish, self-serving man who loves himself more than anyone else, OW will find that out eventually.
He doesn’t deserve air time in your head, play a different station and listen to positives about yourself instead.
This too shall pass. Yes, it’s a shit sandwich on a shit stick with shit sauce at the moment, it really is, so it’s ok to not feel ok, it’s ok to cry or rage or feel at rock bottom, it’s not weak or failing, it’s human.
Grieve what was, deal with what has to
happen right now and don’t look into your future yet, it unfolds as each day passes and each day will lead you to healing, a better perspective and more strength to cope.
Sending you love and support, have lost count now on Mumsnet just how many stupid and selfish men who can’t hack responsibility, family life and just plain getting older keep popping up. X

I am struggling with getting closure myself. It's so hard when they can't give an honest reason and refuse to discuss why they want divorce. Just came out of a false reconciliation myself is an utterly painful process, where I got blamed for not treating the WS nice after finding out a multi-year emotional infidelity.

Thank you so much, this made me cry (in a good way) xxxx